Some time last month, I rediscovered this Tumblr I’d been using so faithfully for such a long time. It sat here all these months, waiting patiently, for me to come back and find it. That little spark of nostalgia that would again lead me back to a place I’d visit day-in and day-out, dutifully reblogging images or videos, text posts I thought were interesting. I did this for a mixture of reasons.
Simple reasons like wanting to provide myself a sort of time capsule of things I was into at the time. If I dig back through the archive of this blog, I can watch the trajectory of my interests and map their changes. It’s interesting, and even more so because I actually recognize and remember these moments in my life. Here, look at this month where I was getting super into 80s art and over here when I had seen Rust & Bone and so had a tremendous crush on Marion Cotillard or Melanie Laurent from Beginners (that I saw alone in London and cried). This stretch where I’d gotten back into reading comic books for a time. Even then, in those moments where it was present day and not past yet, I was still more inclined to focus on the nostalgic; childhood superhero fantasies, times I didn’t live through but somehow yearned for, or video game culture I’d been a part of since I’d inherited my cousin’s NES.
Other reasons were more subtle, at the time. Or maybe not, really, when I actually go back through. I can see the posts I’d reblogged specifically for her. Things I’d responded to that she’d posted originally, Question/Answer exchanges between us. These were the more painful; sharper pangs instead of the dull ache of nostalgia. It doesn’t necessarily feel very good but in a way, it does kind of make me smile.
In many ways, this blog was the before. I spent time on it, enjoyed it, certainly derived lots of hours of entertainment from it. After we got together, finally, its purpose seemed to vanish. I’d finally figured it out, I thought, woke up from literal years of stupidity. Realized what I was missing. Now though? It’s an after. Maybe, probably forever.
It could be just that the timing wasn’t quite right. Always seemed to be the theme, just slightly out of sync, and then when things finally aligned it was good. Time fell out again, naturally, I guess as things do. I’m incapable of going back, even though I want to more than basically anything, so I have instead live with it. I have to. And write vague, overly-dramatic Tumblr posts about it.
So, here it’ll sit. Like the photos, the cards, the little notes that I have in a box I can’t look at it but don’t want to get rid of. Stupidly hopeful that maybe one day I can take them out again.