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Engage yourself in the present

The theme of today's session with my psychiatrist is to engage myself in the present. "The past is done. We don't have to carry it all the time, it gets heavy," she said. I keep thinking about my future, and keep being bothered by my past that they distract me from my present. The only time we can take action is in the present. With that being said, acting incongruence with our goals without carrying the weight of the pass all the fricking time, brings us less dissatisfaction with our lives. The past has happened already, and the future has yet to happen. We tend to dwell on our past mistakes and let the future make us feel anxious. We are not obligated to follow our thoughts and emotions all the time. It is in the present that we can actually do things. Having goals is not a bad thing, it gives us direction. However, it's not the only important thing that matters. When the feelings and emotions get too overwhelming and cause change in function, we should ask ourselves: are we working towards our goal or against it? Instead of distracting ourselves, investigating what our brain is telling us will help up engage.

I genuinely liked my 2 sessions with my therapist! The past few years have really been difficult, and I'm glad to be genuinely doing well now. She recommended trying out meditation. I'm looking forward to getting to know myself more (or maybe re-getting to know myself) through that.

On another non-therapy topic, I had the most vivid dream last night. It was scarily vivid– the dialogues and the actual scenes felt and looked so real. It really felt like it could happen. I think unconsciously, I'm not opposed to the idea. My ego says otherwise though– HAHA it says it was ridiculous. Maybe meditation will help me figure this out, too.

#word vomit

I officially have a therapist

After 2 years of putting it off, I finally sought a psych consult today. Why now? I finally found an avenue, which wouldn't damage my or my parents' back account (see also: a medical student who seeks to seek consult because of the cost). In my second year of med school, we have Psychiatry classes throughout the school year. One of our lecturers gave out details for those who were interested. I went to that first but found it to be too expensive (PHP3000 for initial consult; PHP2500 for following sessions). I understand why consultants charge that much– it takes years to be good at your craft. But, it just wasn't affordable to me. So, I signed up through our institution's OPD-charity teleconsult. I was originally scheduled for January 2022 but was bumped to today. I think it was because I was a student! That was great (hehe).

I didn't really set expectations about the session. My primary goal was really just to finally seek consult, and go from there. I liked the resident assigned to me. I'm seeing her again!

Sharing some thoughts here so I can process them better. Just a quick recap of today's session. I lost self-confidence and grew self-doubt after being asked to leave my dream institution in 2019. Apart from that, I gained weight and lost even more self-confidence. My therapist asked me if I was always in the honor roll, and if this was my first "big failure" to which I replied, yes. It was then that I realized that I kept valuing myself through numbers & accolades. I have yet to discover how to refocus or redirect this way of thinking. To be honest though, I really never saw myself as "THAT" person who was stellar or "smart". I kept saying I was in the honor roll from kindergarten to college, but "not so high naman" to which my therapist said, getting honors in college was high or a big deal. I realized now, maybe I undervalue myself sometimes. She also pointed out that some somatic manifestations (back pain, neck pain) I was feeling were because of the anxiety, sadness, and stress. They were not singly all postural problems! She said my PCOS also contributed a lot (hormones, grrr), and it was good that I was getting treated for that (yay). After everything I've been through though, there's not doubt I still love myself. After all the questions about self-harm and comparing myself to others, I still think to myself, I love myself too much to do that. She also gave me a diagnosis of my 2019 post-eagle self: Adjustment Disorder or Persistent Depressive Disorder. I have yet to read into them more.

For my next session, my goals are to learn how to process things mentally better, and learn some coping techniques. I look forward to it! My therapist told me there was no indications for medication, which made me really happy. I don't want to drink meds that would make me gain more weight.

Everything I have been learning in Psychiatry was put into practice today. To me. As a patient. I really do admire psychiatrists because of their high emotional intelligence and patience to deal with every human emotion or lack thereof. I'm still not ruling it in though, HAHA! If you've made it this far and if you need reminding, don't let your thoughts bully you.

#raw #med school #therapy #genryfeels

Accountability

This post is to remind myself to stop joining orgs and taking on a lot of things. Year 2 is getting harder, and the time I'm spending with my parents here in Abu Dhabi is getting shorter. Is it worth losing sleep over? Definitely not. Will it help with character-building? Not so much. In the end, I don't really gain much from it anymore compared to when I was in college. The reality that I don't want to admit is that I don't enjoy it anymore.

Just keep one. Two at most. They'll probably, most likely, look at my grades more when I apply for internship anyway. I need to remind myself that I don't have to always do a lot of things. More so, it's great to do things outside of school, too. Doing things that don't necessarily make it to your CV is absolutely fine. You'll be okay.

Set your priorities straight, woman.

be melodramatic

I really enjoyed the show I reference on the title. It really made me excited about my thirties. Realistically speaking, as someone in medicine, I will spend most of my twenties being a student: literally in school, and a constant learner. With that being said, my middle to late twenties won't really be that much fun (or at least as fun as college). I will be broke most of the time, and keep asking financial support from my parents. I will also probably feel tired most of the time, but never really regret any of the choices I've made. One of the things that discourages me from pursuing residency training in the Philippines is the state of life and financial instability that comes with it. From stories I hear, being a resident physician in the country really comes with a poor state of living. Because of that, I have really been thinking of training elsewhere. If I am going to struggle either way, I'd rather struggle abroad and earn a lot of money than struggle in the Philippines and earn so little. To be able to train abroad and earn more, I'd first have to spend a lot. Coming from a middle class family with no generational wealth, I have to prepare most of the money I'll need (I won't kid myself, I know my parents will still help hehe). This is why at this point in medicine, applying to be a DTTB is still my number one option after boards. One, it has been my dream since college. Two, it comes with an MPH degree (also another dream of mine!). Third, it pays well so I will be able to save for training abroad. Fourth, I think the experience would prepare me for anything I'll ever face in medicine if i stay in the Philippines or when I really decide to leave the country. I'm currently at the quarter of life. I still have so much I want to do, achieve, try, and experience. Onward to thirties! I really look forward to the time when I get to earn my own money, live my own life, and become stable in every aspect of life. At times, I still get a bit jealous with my friends already earning and supporting themselves. My time will come. I CANNOT WAIT. However, if I do die early, I don't want to be remembered as someone who has her whole life ahead of her, brimming with potential. I want to be remembered as someone who lived the hell out of life.

the effects of vaccination

It's a friday night, and I am currently studying in anticipation of the side effects of my re-vaccination. I have been told there might be fever, malaise, and chills, among others. Because of that, I'm studying in advance, in case I do feel sick during the weekend.

Then it hit, a wave of sadness that keeps coming back from time to time. Yet again, I feel lonely at this point in my life. I don't think it's part of the quarter life crisis (HAHA). But, on a lot of days in medical school, I really feel alone. Among the worst things the pandemic took away from us, social support and building relationships with new potential close friends are high up my list. Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I didn't really have a point. I just want to fast forward with my life, finish med school, achieve my post-med school PH goals, and then move away somewhere far enough to start anew but near enough to go back to the Philippines for the big things. Lastly, can the sadness just subside permanently so life can get better?

Follow me to the sea

Scene 1. Beach. I was at the beach with this person I knew, and we were about to hop off a plane to go to another beach– Bali I think? We were having a great time, and we were excited. Of course, it was for more dagat!

Scene 2. We were planning to change the flight because we were running late for our scheduled flight. There were so many logistical problems. I didn't have a laptop so he had to find his. We didn't have wifi in out hostel/rented house so we had to go to the nearby cafe/restaurant to be wifi parasites. I didn't know my email/Cebu Pacific password so that took so much time too. It was really a hot, humid day, I put my head on his shoulder because he just came out of an air conditioned room and it felt nice???

Scene 3. We couldn't reschedule the flight so he got a bit mad? Also, Cyra and one high school classmate was also there? Then he said he'll just stay behind (I think we were in LU?), and stay with a buddy because I had to go back to Manila to take my final exams???

Then I woke up. My dreams are always playing with my head. Just make it happen in real life already, universe. Seriously.

to stay or to leave

I don't understand myself. I had a full 8-hour sleep last night, yet spent the entire day sleepy and even had the gall to take 2 long naps. Before dozing off on my second nap, I saw the futures I envision flash before my eyes. Not like a flash forward of some sort, but more of a wake up call. I'm not sure if it's indecisiveness or practicality, but I just have no clear plans yet. It has just been about finishing this post-graduate degree, and then deciding after. I think deep down, I really want to stay. It's just the bad circumstances at present, future responsibilities, clear want/need for financial stability, and fright for residency that makes me want to leave. But really, these are big things. Some days I'm really eager to leave, some days I really don't want to. Anyway, I have a quiz to study for tomorrow since I slept the entire day. I look forward to see how this pans out.

allostatic overload

Been taking care of my physical health for the past year saying I'll take my body back not realizing how my mental health slipped away slowly, gradually, then little by little (kind of) all at once. I have been in such a depressed mood lately, there I'm finally identifying and labeling it, a huge step! I have been getting crippling anxiety and falling into a dark hole. The days have been longer. They have been dragging. I feel like I am no longer in control, so I just give up doing anything altogether even before starting a task. I feel a huge weight on my shoulder, and no one else can carry it besides me. Fuck, I have to help myself dig myself out of this hole. I want this to end. Not my life. Just the month, and the school year, and med school. For now, I'll give myself this last night. Tomorrow, I'll start crawling out of this hole I dug for myself. Maybe writing this all out of my system would help, maybe it wouldn't. Anyway, here's to the days we fail to help ourselves. May we surmount them, may we not stay for too long, may we finally free ourselves of the dark thoughts that hold us back, may we regain control of our mental health.

3 weeks is too long

Less than a month of synchronous classes left for the school year. 3 weeks left of this one subject who really gives the batch a hard time– so much tasks and synchronous sessions that could have been given asynchronously. As I type this, I am breaking down and crying a little. I don't know if it's just my EQ diminishing or if it's the pandemic, but I've been having a hard time processing my emotions and thoughts lately, especially my anxiety. 3 weeks is too long for my increasing anxiety. It's not even the upcoming finals worth a huge part of our grade that stresses me out the most– it's the synchronous sessions for this subject. Generational differences is really felt between the faculty and the students. To add to the dismay of lack of empathy, they include some doctors who I don't want to become– doctors who are so out-of-touch with the plight of the students and the ordinary Filipino. "Keep your political opinions to yourself," they say. No wonder doctors are often branded as out-of-touch and condescending. Anyway, so much for this rant. I just want to add, just to not completely antagonize them, they do have good, high-yield lecturers in their slate. I do hope online school gets better next AY.

death and dying

Our lecture on death and dying really made me think deep. In med school, we are taught as much as we can about life– from the pre, during, post, and everything in between, from womb to tomb they say. We are so busy studying about life–how to make it better for our future patients; how to prolong it for the sick; how to teach patients to prepare for lives they have created–that we forget how to prepare for dealing with death. A classmate asked how to prepare for encountering death when we are already in the clinics. The lecturer’s advice was to expect it as early as now. Thinking about duty and clinics, and even community work, I never really thought about the deaths I would encounter. I just always think about the lives I would help make better. I mean, I’ve always known there would be mortalities but never thought I would have to handle them first hand, like in my care. I just always associated the dead with cadavers and morgues that I forgot it was also a process.

I have never had to deal with death personally. The closest person I ever had that died was my mom’s mom. We weren’t exactly close throughout my life, but I did get to spend time with her in her last years, which made mom very happy. Quoting from my reflection paper, “...sometimes think about my own death. I always hope it would be peaceful, sudden, and free of pain. However, I could never imagine the people around me dying. I could never, for the life of me, entertain those kinds of thoughts.” And now I’m thinking about deaths of people I have yet to meet, how to prepare to process them, and how to comfort those they left behind. So much for advance thinking.

How do I comfort someone who just lost a loved one? Frankly, I don’t even think I’m any good at comforting my friends. I sure do hope I develop this skill if it does not come naturally.

LE 1: human life development

oh to be a young adult (20-30) and financially independent, what a dream. since watching thirteen going on thirty, i’ve been really excited for middle adulthood (30-40). oh to be thirty, flirty, and thriving. i feel like (well right now) early adulthood is for hustling and setting the stage for the fun, i-can-finally-afford-things thirties. sometimes i think i’m wasting away my early twenties, but really i don’t want to do anything else apart from what i’m doing now anyway. when i get anxious, i ask myself if i fucking wasted the last 3 years. i worked for one year, went to my fucking childhood dream school for a year, and took a year to myself– it doesn’t sound like a waste. BUT sometimes it really does. i feel like i should have achieved more at this point. fuck, all these feelings because of studying HLC (lol). it just occurred to me that i’m almost mid-early adulthood. how did that happen? anyway. here’s a short letter to myself (i’m about to cry now).

dear gen, i know you were disappointed in us when we couldn’t pass that one module back in our previous institution. you’ve worked hard to get there, and you feel you failed us because you were asked to leave. at some point you felt you were not enough for them. during your time there, you doubted yourself a lot and gradually lost your confidence, self-belief, whilst letting self-doubt grow. i’m sorry. not for the lack of trying, effort, or hard work, we both know how we fucking did all of that. i’m sorry because we didn’t get to finish med school there. screw them. we rose above that failure and are doing better now. still, i’m sorry i failed us. though we still don’t fucking understand why because we’re clearly more fucking capable than some people there, it just wasn’t meant to be. let’s just suck it up for the next 3.5 years (+1), then we can move on to our next chapter– dttb (hopefully) and then that other rough draft plan we have. i’m sorry. babawi ako sa thirties natin.

respiratory alkalosis

It’s been a while since I last had an anxiety attack. My first of the year (of both the academic year and actual 2021 year) came creeping on me last night. I was in bed, waiting for drowsiness while reading a renal lab trans. I was thinking of a conversation I had with a friend, then my mind went to how unprepared I felt I was, then to the number of transes I have yet to read, then to the great heartbreak of 2019, then to the future I have been looking forward to, next thing I knew, I was hyperventilating. I was on the verge of crying when all I things that had to be done ran through my mind. What triggered my hyperventilation to stop was the physiologic mechanism behind it. My H+, HCO3, PCO2, and pH all slapped me back to reality. It went full circle. Renal stressed me to the point of an anxiety attack, and calmed me back to reality. If in the future I end up becoming a nephrologist, I will fricking go back to this day and write a reaction.

delaying tactics: LE 4

Scene 1. The other day, I had a dream involving one of my good friends HC. In my dream, it was her wedding day, and she was happy. She was loved the way she deserved to be. Of course, I got to wear a gown (HAHA!). I immediately messaged her the next day and told her about it. She was ecstatic! I look forward to her real-life wedding day, and her future husband of course. She deserves so much more than what she experienced previously.

Scene 2. I’ve been following this this one instagram-famous MD for a bit. I am so happy for her (without personally knowing her), and her life right now. I dream of having the life she has now (tweaked a bit to my own version), that general mold of what she has. I look forward to the future where I get to have that kind of life too– simple, comfortable, and seemingly filled with boundless opportunities.

Scene 3. Recently, I’ve been scared of my own dreams. I give credit to the great heartbreak of 2019 for awakening the scared side of me. Little by little, I’ve been gaining courage, thanks to my new institution(!!!), and I think I’ll be okay. My institution is preparing me for my dreams. I work hard and think my intentions are not corrupt. So why the hell should I be scared of a future I don’t even have yet? This ends now!

Scene 4. I’ve revived my high school dream of being a citizen of the world. More information on this in the future.

dreams of the asleep and the awake

As you already know, I get vivid dreams a lot. Guiltily, mostly about guys I liked, had/have a crush on/those I didn’t know I did. Stop the dream analysis now! I don’t think much of them, they’re just a source of kilig most times and bitter sometimes (HAHA). Anyway I had another dream a few minutes ago. I took a nap that turned into a full sleep. I dreamt about this guy I had a tiny, secret crush on (hehe), and yet again it was so vivid. And then I woke up to reality where my other dreams are. Since coming back to Manila for college 7 years ago (CRAZY!!!), my other foot has always been out of it (most times the country, too). One foot steady, the other foot always hoping to be somewhere else– most times to travel, recently to uproot. I look forward to post-COVID times, and new places to see, love, and fall back in love with.

the roughest of drafts

The great heartbreak of 2019 was truly the darkest of days. Today, one semester into my freshman year in another blue (this time and yellow) institution, I have started to feel excited for the future again. I’m at a point of my comeback wherein I can imagine a future for myself again. I try not to dwell on the specifics anymore, but I have something to work toward again. I have something to look forward to. I am in between going with the flow and planning, and it’s a pretty good place to be. I am excited for the opportunities that I may find or those that wait for me. More than that, I am beginning to hope again. These plans I have are no longer specific. I’ve learned from (and quite frankly a bit traumatized) my mistakes of making highly specific, detailed plans. Now all I have are the rough drafts, and it keeps me going. 4-6 years from now, I hope I’m getting somewhere farther than here. I look forward to the future.

Exam week

Sometimes I feel a heavy amount of sadness thinking about having to work twice as much, or putting more effort than most, or having to worry about the practical things such as money, stability, and having to constantly worry about getting somewhere. Often times, I equate success with financial stability and not having to worry about emergencies or debt or going over the budget. I often think, maybe life would be easier (maybe even better) if I were rich af. I am typing this as I panic-study for my summative exams worth 25% of my grade for the year. As I type this, I think of the bigger picture of why the things have happened like the delays in my studies happened. I cannot wait to see the bigger picture. I have been thinking a lot about leaving for good. I’m still undecided. Anyway, I’m alive. As long as we’re alive, I guess anything is possible. Also, I have been thinking about money a lot lately. Is this because of adulthood and growing up? Is this normal (I hope so)?

It's my mom's birthday today, and mine in a week. I suddenly felt a huge wave of sadness in my chest. I was looking forward to my birthday this year because I was going back home the weekend before it. Our flight got pushed back, so now I'm back to loathing it. I'm just so sad tonight. I don't want to turn a year older. I don't want to be 24, and unemployed (fine in med school), and alone. It's just a reminder of the things I failed to achieve and the things I have yet to do. I still don't like my birthday.

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