#genryfeels

[gwritesagain]

Sometimes when I'm in the middle of an emotion, I just look at myself and realize I'm not feeling anything. I just like acting like someone who feels something.

Will Gardner, The Good Wife

[gwritesagain]

I officially have a therapist

After 2 years of putting it off, I finally sought a psych consult today. Why now? I finally found an avenue, which wouldn't damage my or my parents' back account (see also: a medical student who seeks to seek consult because of the cost). In my second year of med school, we have Psychiatry classes throughout the school year. One of our lecturers gave out details for those who were interested. I went to that first but found it to be too expensive (PHP3000 for initial consult; PHP2500 for following sessions). I understand why consultants charge that much– it takes years to be good at your craft. But, it just wasn't affordable to me. So, I signed up through our institution's OPD-charity teleconsult. I was originally scheduled for January 2022 but was bumped to today. I think it was because I was a student! That was great (hehe).

I didn't really set expectations about the session. My primary goal was really just to finally seek consult, and go from there. I liked the resident assigned to me. I'm seeing her again!

Sharing some thoughts here so I can process them better. Just a quick recap of today's session. I lost self-confidence and grew self-doubt after being asked to leave my dream institution in 2019. Apart from that, I gained weight and lost even more self-confidence. My therapist asked me if I was always in the honor roll, and if this was my first "big failure" to which I replied, yes. It was then that I realized that I kept valuing myself through numbers & accolades. I have yet to discover how to refocus or redirect this way of thinking. To be honest though, I really never saw myself as "THAT" person who was stellar or "smart". I kept saying I was in the honor roll from kindergarten to college, but "not so high naman" to which my therapist said, getting honors in college was high or a big deal. I realized now, maybe I undervalue myself sometimes. She also pointed out that some somatic manifestations (back pain, neck pain) I was feeling were because of the anxiety, sadness, and stress. They were not singly all postural problems! She said my PCOS also contributed a lot (hormones, grrr), and it was good that I was getting treated for that (yay). After everything I've been through though, there's not doubt I still love myself. After all the questions about self-harm and comparing myself to others, I still think to myself, I love myself too much to do that. She also gave me a diagnosis of my 2019 post-eagle self: Adjustment Disorder or Persistent Depressive Disorder. I have yet to read into them more.

For my next session, my goals are to learn how to process things mentally better, and learn some coping techniques. I look forward to it! My therapist told me there was no indications for medication, which made me really happy. I don't want to drink meds that would make me gain more weight.

Everything I have been learning in Psychiatry was put into practice today. To me. As a patient. I really do admire psychiatrists because of their high emotional intelligence and patience to deal with every human emotion or lack thereof. I'm still not ruling it in though, HAHA! If you've made it this far and if you need reminding, don't let your thoughts bully you.

[gwritesagain]

i want to bridge the BA and MD, political science and medicine, and be a public health professional, and of course to stitch them all together through research. but, for now, I pray I get allowed to prerog chem 16.

[gwritesagain]

I dug my own grave. Damn it, I love playlists but not this time. I don't know what to make out of this. Sorry for the word but fuck you.

[gwritesagain]

soon is a lie

hang soon? when will i see you? soon make me a playlist!! soon when will i move on? soon when will you love me? soon what's up with you? you'll know soon enough when will i reach my dreams? soon when will i find someone? soon inom soon!! kwento soon!! coffee soon!! catch up soon!! see you soon

[gwritesagain]

potential

I’ve never thought about it until today but potentiality is such a powerful thing. Sometimes, well maybe sometimes more, we hold on to the things that might evolve. Sometimes we hold on to what could be rather than what is. Sometimes we hold on to a possibility or a feasibility, rather than what we have at the palm of our hands. I don’t think it’s all bad though. Sometimes it’s what gets us through– through the struggle to making the dream or goal happen; through the overflow of feelings to the peace of mind; through being unmotivated and uninspired to reaching what we aim for. Potentiality is so powerful in a sense that it motivates us to do things, or simply feel things. It makes us hold on or move on. It makes us miss or forget. It makes us jealous or indifferent. It makes us think of the ‘right’ time– now or not now. Sometimes it’s enough to hold unto, or it might even be the best thing to hold unto– dreams, goals, the best version of yourself. However, I don’t think it’s enough on the topic of love and relationships. But hey, who am I to talk about love. And of course, I’m writing because I’ve had a rush of feelings tonight. 

[gwritesagain]

I think I need to be saved from myself

[gwritesagain]

Note to self

Keep your distance. Guard your heart.