meaning - in abundance, a big amount
for as long as you can remember, you’ve had a crush for xiaoting.
and, well, for as long as you can remember, xiaoting has been…trying to avoiding you.
considering the fact that you’ve been professing your love to her as long as you can remember— i guess it’s understandable. you had always been pretty clingy with her, something that you knew she had always noticed.
it was a thursday afternoon. classes had already ended, everyone was just hanging out at school.
as you turned the corner of the school library hallway, you saw xiaoting, peacefully sitting on one of the tables, reading a book.
xiaoting had always loved reading. it had been one of her favorite hobbies ever since she was a child. it was one of the things that made you fall for her.
“xiaoting!” you call her, whisper-shouting.
the second she sees you, her eyes roll and she gets up from her seat.
“ting! wait for me!” you smile.
“…what is it?” she sighs.
“i got some tickets to a movie last night. you wanna go with me?”
“oh, come on! just for tomorrow night! then i won’t bother you for a couple of days, okay?“
“fine. but after that, leave me alone okay?”
“yeah, of course! see you later, ting, love you!”
she instantly returns to her book, with a small frown on her face.
you left the library with a smile on your face.
when talking to shen xiaoting (or asking her out on a ‘date’), there was always a few things you kept in mind.
1. always keep a little bit of distance. xiaoting isn’t exactly too fond of you, so you keep a little bit of distance.
2. when making plans with her, make sure to pull the “i won’t bother you for a couple of days if you do this with me.”
3. always say “i love you” to end the sentence off, in hopes that, one day, she’ll say the words you’ve always wanted to hear:
“ya, xiaoting. why don’t you just give him a chance?” yujin told her best friend.
“you’re kidding, right? have you seen the things he does? last year he gave me a whole big bouquet of flowers and expensive chocolate in front of the whole class. it took me so long to convince everyone we weren’t dating,” xiaoting retorts.
“but you know he likes you, right? a lot, actually. he messages me about you, sometimes.”
“of course i do. how could i not? he’s really annoying about it.”
“yeah, but maybe just give him a chance. he’s really nice, actually. maybe he can make you happy.”
“just…. stop. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore. i have enough worries as is,” xiaoting sighs.
“what do you mean?” yujin asks, confused.
xiaoting recalls back to earlier, when you had talked to her in the library while she was reading.
“earlier at the library, he asked me to go out for a movie again. i only said yes because he said he’d stop bothering me for a bit. we’re going on saturday.”
“that’s great! bonding time,” yujin smiles.
“shut up.” xiaoting replies, annoyed.
“i mean, it’s good that you’re hanging out with him,”
“i might just make up an excuse to not go with him. he’s nice and all, but he’s… way too annoying,”
“well, ‘types’ are just your ideal types. you could end up with someone totally different from your type.”
“i don’t know. i don’t know if i’ll go.”
“well, if you’re not interested in him, you have me still,” yujin gave her a teasing smile.
“shut up.” xiaoting replied with a smirk.
the school bells ring, signaling that class is starting. xiaoting and yujin go back to class, both of them being in the same class as you.
xiaoting looks to her table, to find paper hearts on it. xiaoting saw you smiling at her, making her sigh. she then took the paper hearts and put them inside her table drawer.
as the teacher starts class, xiaoting looks behind her seat, seeing you stealing glances at her the whole time. you were noticeably curious about something.
“…what time are you gonna go? the movie starts at 6 tomorrow,” you ask with a small smile on your face.
“i’ll arrive before then. just stop bothering me.” she replies, deadpanned.
“o-oh.. okay, then! i’ll wear a cute outfit i just bought. i think you’ll like it,” you reply, with a bit of excitement.
xiaoting ignores you, turning back to face the teacher.
you sigh. yujin looks to her right, looking at you and giving you a sad look. you look back at her and give her a thumbs up and a smile, signaling that you’re okay.
school has ended for the day.
earlier in class, you had written another one of your love letters to xiaoting. but this time, you really wanted to show her how much you love her.
you found xiaoting sitting alone at the busstop, staring into the afternoon sky. the orange sun getting ready to set.
you open your phone to check the time. 4:36 P.M.
“ting!” you greet her with a smile plastered onto your pink cheeks.
she looks up and sees you.
“i.. wanna give you something!” you reply.
you took out an envelope from your bag, decorated with stickers in xiaoting’s favorite colors. you gave it to her with a grin.
she took the letter and started to open it. you sat beside her.
“read it!” you say excitedly.
she nods slowly and started reading.
“dear xiaoting: this is my love letter to you.
the day we first met when we were 7 years old is a day i’ll never forget. the way you held my hand after i fell in the playground, comforting me is… a memory that’s always in the back of my mind, even now, 10 years later.
i know you don’t think about me much, but i just want you to know that i love you. i have for the past 10 years.”
she looks up to me, and i smile.
she closes her eyes and frowns.
“you wanna know what i think?”
she crumples up the letter and throws it to the side.
xiaoting stands up and leaves you, sitting in the busstop alone.
you don't have to see xiaoting's face to see whether she likes your letter or not— because by the time you do, the piece of paper you've written for whoever knows how long… it’s all crumpled and laying pathetically on the ground.
you pick up the crumpled letter and stare at it with a sad smile.
“ting, i’m sorry if you-“
it doesn't take a single word from xiaoting to know that she doesn't even bother dealing with you. cause by the time you try to apologize, she's already by your peripheral vision, walking away.
“..don’t like my… letter..”
it was the next day. you had arrived at around 4 o’clock. you spent the entire day figuring out what to wear for the movie with her. you bought some snacks in the convenience store close by to the mall, for you and xiaoting to eat while waiting for the movie.
despite what happened yesterday, you were still trying to be happy with what you have with xiaoting. being able to be close with her should be enough for you.
5:30. xiaoting hasn’t showed up yet.
you’re starting to worry. you’ve called her a couple of times already, with no answer.
6:15. the movie has started. but you didn’t go into the theatre. you kept waiting for xiaoting.
at this point— you had forgotten about the movie. xiaoting usually isn’t the type to just leave someone for no reason; even if she wasn’t fond of them.
“xiaoting…. where are you..?” you thought to yourself.
you waited, and waited. you sat in front of the mall, waiting for her.
7:00. she’s still not here. you called yujin earlier, saying xiaoting had went out of their shared apartment. she ended off the call with ‘are you okay? maybe something happened to her.’
8:30. you went looking for her, near her house, in her favorite café, in her favorite library near her apartment, in her favorite book store.
9:00. you found xiaoting. she was in a restaurant, eating food with someone else. she looked happy with them. she was smiling ear to ear— unlike when she’s with you. you realized that every second with you, she’s spent with a frown. she’s never looked at you with a smile.
you don't know why your heart bothers plummeting further, but it does anyway, against your wishes.
with tears on your face, it was at that moment that you decided something.
to not bother her anymore. to leave her alone. to let her just smile a bit more.
the weekend came and went with you drowning in self pity. it’s now monday.
you had been trying to avoid xiaoting the whole day.
considering the fact that she’s the love of your life, the task was just as difficult as you expected it to be.
maybe even more so. your day felt a bit empty without saying your usual pick up lines every morning with a smile, or buying her chocolate bars when recess starts.
you also decided to move to a different seat in class, one that’s a bit farther away from your beloved.
it’s a bit hard trying not to sneak glances every once in a while… but you try your best to do so.
after the first few classes, recess begins. as everyone had left the class, you went out of your seat a bit slower than everyone else, so as to avoid xiaoting.
as you were going out of the class, you felt your arm being pulled, taking you back into the class.
“what’s going on with you today?”
it was yujin. you sigh a breath of relief.
“you’re… not usually like this. usually you’d be all up in ting’s face, maybe buying her lunch or… i don’t know. tell me what’s up,” yujin replies.
“well… i decided not to bother her anymore. i’m going to try and move on from her.”
“it… was because of saturday. she didn’t show up back then,” you reply, sadness evident in your eyes.
“then.. what happened after..?”
“well.. after looking for her, i found her with another person in a restaurant. she looked happy, so i decided not to bother her.”
“what..? what about that letter you wrote her..?”
you just looked at her with another sad smile.
yujin felt bad for you. she knew xiaoting didn’t exactly like you. but she didn’t think xiaoting would’ve done something like that.
“well, what time did you go back home?”
“i’m sorry.. do you want me to talk to her about this?”
“no, it’s okay. i think she’ll be happier without me clinging on to her all the time,”
she gives you a sad smile.
“i’m hungry now. let’s get some lunch!” you say to lighten the mood.
you and yujin went to the cafeteria together, chatting along the way. just shy of it being awkward but you suppose the atmosphere wasn’t too bad. yujin was a fun person to be around.
xiaoting felt as if something was missing today.
early in the morning, xiaoting saw you walking to class. she thought you’d sit behind her just like normal, and probably bother her with the things you’d usually do.
you took a different seat and ignored her.
did she, perhaps, go too far on saturday?
but she brushed it off. she thought, ‘you’ll be back to normal by tomorrow. that’s just how you are.’
xiaoting saw yujin passing by the school corridor after picking up her things from her locker.
“yujin! what do you wanna eat when you we get home?”
yujin stares at xiaoting; with a blank, unpleasant stare, worrying xiaoting just a bit.
yujin refused to talk to her while on the bus home, despite xiaoting initiating a conversation with her.
at home, yujin went straight into her bedroom to change, coming out of her room with sweatpants, a big shirt and her hair tied.
yujin had wanted to talk to xiaoting about you. about how you feel about her. but, for now, she had decided to respect your wishes. you didn’t want anything to do with xiaoting, for the time being.
xiaoting was just a bit more worried than yesterday.
yujin had stopped talking to her. and worse, you, who had always head over heels for her for as long as she could remember, suddenly stopped talking to her.
when class started, she had realized that yujin wasn’t sitting next to her. she looked back to see that she had taken a seat closer to you.
when class ended and everyone (including you) had left, yujin approached xiaoting.
yujin had been thinking about this situation the whole day. she couldn’t take it anymore. she felt that needed to talk to xiaoting. about you.
“xiaoting. we need to talk,” yujin told her bestfriend.
xiaoting, confused, looks at yujin with a curious face.
“i’m so confused. what the actual hell happened on saturday?”
xiaoting gulped. it felt as if her words were stuck in her throat.
“tell me your side of the story,” yujin commanded.
“i, uh.. i didn’t go. i.. went out with another friend,” xiaoting nervously replied.
she was speechless. she didn’t think her friend could ever even think to do such a thing.
and yet; here they are. yujin saw red in her eyes.
“how could you?! did you know that he didn’t go home until 9 waiting for you?! he went to all of your favorite spots, only to see that you went to a restaurant with somebody else without even telling him!”
yujin took a breath to calm herself.
“xiaoting… you’re the type of person to apologize for being 5 seconds late. you’d say sorry to a book for writing on it with a newly sharpened pencil. why in the hell did you do that?!”
not a word came out of xiaoting’s mouth. she was scared of her bestfriend, in that moment.
yujin looked at her bestfriend, with tears starting to pour out of xiaoting’s eyes.
“i’m sorry,” xiaoting said.
“xiaoting, i’m not the one you should apologize to.”
xiaoting realized what her bestfriend meant.
“what you did was out of character. the fact that you promised that you’d go with him, and then you don’t show up, without telling him why?! and who the hell knows what you did with the letter he wrote for you?!”
xiaoting had started full blown crying.
“i- i.. i’m sorry. i know.. it was out of character… i was just annoyed. he wasn’t doing anything wrong.. i was just tired of him doing his usual things.. and on friday, i just… exploded because of his letter, and… didn’t feel like dealing with him anymore..”
yujin looked at her friend with sad eyes.
“that still doesn’t justify what you did,” yujin says.
xiaoting cries even harder, thinking of how sad you must’ve been, knowing you’re a delicate-hearted person.
“it’s okay… but i don’t think you should talk to him right now, it’s for the best,” yujin tells xiaoting.
“okay… i’ll apologize to him someday,” xiaoting replies sadly.
yujin and xiaoting walked to the busstop together. somehow, feeling as if their friendship had crossed a new frontier, now closer than they ever were.
surprisingly, you’ve been holding up pretty well. it hasn’t been too long since you started trying to move on from her.
xiaoting, on the other hand, felt guilty. every second that you spent ignoring her made her feel just a tiny bit guiltier than she was the second before.
xiaoting recalled something that happened just yesterday. your pen fell down near her table.
she picked up your pen, slowly walked to your desk and handed it back to you (albeit with a slight tremble to her fingers).
she mentally slapped herself for stuttering in front of him.
although she expected you to ignore her, what she didn’t expect was that you took the pen from her hands with a smile on your face, mouthing the word ‘thanks’.
it took her off guard, taking her a second to snap back to reality. by the time that happened, though, you had swiftly gone back to continuing your assignment, leaving her standing there. she went back to her seat, seeing yujin smiling at her. she returned yujin’s smile with one of her own, albeit, way more awkward.
though xiaoting thinks you didn’t realize how she was acting, the reality was that you— her long time admirer, had noticed everything. the way she was walking to you slower than usual, the way she stood closer to you, closer than ever before, the way her fingers trembled in a way that you had never seen before. the way that single simple word was getting stuck in her throat.
the trip home for xiaoting was hell. getting teased for that moment earlier had to have been one of the worst experiences in her life. she had started to hope that the next day, you would just ignore her again.
“no way he just did that to you, ting,” yujin teased.
“it’s okay, that was a nice start. work up your way to earning his forgiveness.”
xiaoting started putting on her earphones, to which yujin replied with a nudge nudge wink wink.
"he was... alright. a bit cute, I guess."
there was a gasp and a clap beside xiaoting. eyes almost bulging out of her head, a hand over her mouth while the other one shook xiaoting fervently.
xiaoting blinked, wondering what was up with that reaction?
but it had taken a while for it to finally sink in.
"wait…. no! no no no no, you've.. i.. that’s not what i meant, obviously!"
“you know exactly what you just said,” yujin replied with a huge grin.
at night in bed, xiaoting caught herself thinking of you a little, giving her a bit of a reality check.
‘did i just think of him?!’
she tried falling asleep to no avail.
a month had passed since tuesday.
in that month, xiaoting had started paying lot more attention to you. she had stolen glances at you while in class. she started to notice things about you that she had never noticed before.
things like your little habits and details.
the way you would purse your lips when writing down your notes. the way your eyebrows would furrow when confused. the way your bangs fall down just a bit under your eyes.
the way you’ve been driving her crazy this entire month.
she recalls when you would always do everything for her. she begins to miss your letters, the snacks you used to buy for her, the big bouquet, everything. she had always taken them for granted.
she checks her locker, her table drawer, her bag…
well, only for the past month, that is.
xiaoting has been thinking of ways to apologize to you for a while, now.
earlier in class though, she had been brainstorming, writing a couple of things that she could do to potentially make up with you.
1. just straight up ask for your forgiveness, maybe at school. simple, no-nonsense. the most obvious one. yet also, probably the hardest one.
2. ask yujin to help you apologize to you. though, knowing yujin, she’d probably just say ‘this is your issue. i’ve meddled enough, i’m not doing anything else.’
3. …maybe ask you to go out somewhere with her..? potentially making up for that time she stood you up, and also ask for forgiveness. to xiaoting, this one made the most sense.
the school bell rang. xiaoting turned her head about 45 degrees, seeing you packing your bag.
she had found out the exact angle of your seat from hers during one of her brainstorming sessions. at this point, your seating position had already engraved been in her mind.
‘maybe right now would be perfect?’ xiaoting thought to herself. she started mentally preparing herself.
though, as she started standing up from her seat, her legs started trembling uncontrollably.
scared that you would reject her, just as she did to you, countless times before.
in the end, she couldn’t do it. you had left the class already.
xiaoting went on the bus with yujin, feeling a bit… distressed.
“what’s wrong?” yujin asked her bestfriend, looking a bit worried.
“well.. i was thinking of finally apologizing to him earlier. in class. but.. i just… froze,” xiaoting told her friend.
“i think i might need your help.”
yujin put her head in her hand, thinking for a moment before she started to speak again.
“xiaoting,” yujin begins.
xiaoting looked confused.
“this is between you and him. i don’t think it’s fair if i meddle in his business, either. you need to find out how you can apologize to him. you first need to sort out your feelings for him, because it’s obvious he’s all you think about. and then, finally, you can apologize.” yujin explained to xiaoting.
xiaoting thought for a second.
“okay. i understand. you’ve helped me a lot already. i’ll deal with the rest myself.”
the rest of the ride home was quiet, but not at all awkward.
…though, yujin was awfully quiet.
the next day, you had just finished gym class. all sweaty, you were just about to take a short shower at the school bathroom. you were going to pick up your extra clothes in class.
as you were about to go into your classroom though, you saw xiaoting. she was reading a book.
‘good to see she hasn’t changed,’ you thought. in that moment to you, she looked as beautiful as ever.
but you weren’t going to bother her anymore. you decided you were probably going to borrow a classmate’s shirt after the shower.
trying to walk away was not possible though, because, as you were trying to walk away, a hand grabbed your wrist. you turn your head to see her.
your eyes popped out of their sockets.
she pulled you inside the classroom, locking the door and closing the window blinds.
you were frozen in place.
xiaoting walked towards you, standing right infront of you.
she looked at you with sad eyes.
“i know you probably hate me now. i’m sorry for crumpling up that letter you wrote for me.. i’m sorry for leaving you alone in the mall for hours even though i promise i’d come.. i’m sorry,” xiaoting’s eyes started to get wet.
“i know you’ll probably never forgive me. and i know that what i did was unforgivable, but i’m sorry. please.. don’t lea-“
“xiaoting, listen to me,” you cut off her sentence.
“i was never mad at you,” it was her turn to be shocked now.
“i’ve always forgiven you for everything. how could i get mad at you? besides, i realized i was really annoying back then. if anything, i should the one that’s sorry, for annoying you all the time,” you smiled.
“xiaoting, i forgive you. always have, and always will.”
tears started falling from xiaoting’s eyes.
“xiaoting, why are you cryi-“
“i really… missed you, you know,” she said in between her tears.
“i miss everything you did for me.. and it was all my fault that everything happened the way it did… i’m sorry. i don’t deserve it, but would you take me back..?” xiaoting asked with sincerity in her eyes.
“of course, how could i ever say no to a question like that?”
she smiled while tears unleashed from her eyes.
you hated seeing her cry like this.
you gave her a hug, to which she happily accepted.
you had an idea to tease her, though.
“well.. if you’re that sorry, maybe you can make it up to me tomorrow,” you looked at her, while smiling.
“go on a real date with me. let’s go to the amusement park and ditch school.”
it took a second for your words to finally sink in for xiaoting. she then smiled, her face showing how happy she really is.
“…okay.” she replied, blushing hard. she could only hope her hair was covering her cheeks right now, to save her from just a bit of embarassment. of course, you noticed. how could you not?
after a couple seconds though, you realized something.
“…xiaoting, could you stop hugging me for a second though? i need.. to take a shower first,” you teasingly smile.
she replies with a small laugh, eyes still red from all the crying.
she was glad that everything went well, though. tomorrow’s her chance to prove that she really wants him.
at the bus home, xiaoting enthusiastically retold everything that happened earlier to yujin.
“that’s fantastic! finally,” yujin grinned.
“i knew it would happen one day. tomorrow, i’ll help you find the best outfit so you can look as pretty as you can. you’re already pretty though, so i don’t think it’ll take too much effort. afterall, he likes you that much.” yujin complimented.
“you- shut up!” xiaoting blushed, nudging her friend in the elbow.
yujin laughed. she’s glad that you finally broke down her walls.
‘i hope things go well for them… i’m letting go of my love for xiaoting, just for the person she really loves.’
yujin looked outside the bus window, with a melancholic smile.
this time, xiaoting was the one who arrived first.
she was the one who spent the whole day figuring out what to wear for you. she was the one who bought snacks in the convenience store close to the park, just for you and her to eat while on the date.
you arrived a bit later than xiaoting, surprised that she was first.
“xiaoting? you’re here already?” you asked.
“to make up for last time,” she replied happily.
you and xiaoting played an uncountable amount of games and, well, had so much fun. and you were happy. because you’re finally with your beloved.
you played wack-a-mole with her, to which she accidentally hit your hand, making you groan. she ran to the store to get some bandages for you.
you rode on a merry-go-round with her. you took a video on your phone while on it. looking back, you were staring at her all throughout the ride.
‘she’s happy, too.’ you thought to yourself.
after, you rode on a rollercoaster with her. you held her hand all throughout the slopes and ups-and-downs of the track. she was screaming the whole ride. you were praying to god that you didn’t die. not before you made it official with her.
before long (or, atleast it felt like it, spending time with her), it was 9 P.M.
xiaoting was walking while holding your hand, happily eating her cotton candy that you bought her earlier.
“xiaoting, are you tired?” you asked her. truthfully, you were a bit exhausted after a whole day of walking around the place.
“no, but i am getting bored here. do you wanna go somewhere else?”
you thought of places to go to. something romantic, maybe?
while brainstorming for a few minutes, you finally figured something out.
“xiaoting, you remember the place where i fell when we were 7?”
“i do! that old playground! you were crying while holding my hand. eventually i helped you tell your mom because you were scared she’d get angry at you,” she replied.
“….do you wanna go there? it’s not too long of a walk,” you asked.
“…actually, that’s not a bad idea! we carved the tree in the middle of the park with our names, right? it should still be there!” she excitedly said.
the walk to the park where you two first met so long ago made you nervous. you’re finally on a real date with the love of your life, and now you’re going back to the place where it all started.
you had arrived. the playground was not as clean as it was 10 years ago. clearly, it’s not used as much as it used to. time had caught up to it.
xiaoting was right, though. the carving you made with her was still there, with all the memories with it.
you and xiaoting happily recalled what happened there, years ago.
you and xiaoting sat on the swing, the exact place where you fell in front of her, prompting her to help you.
the moon was shining bright, perfectly illuminating her pale skin. to you, she’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.
though, being in this place has reminded you of some regrets in the past, regarding her.
“xiaoting, can i tell you something?” you nervously ask her.
“of course,” she replied, a bit confused.
“i was never confident. everytime i told you i loved you, or gave you gifts… i was trying hard to be someone i wasn’t. i was just trying to be someone you’d like… i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have made your life hell like that. i should have tried to get your attention like a normal person,” you confess to her.
“but one thing’s for sure. it’s that i really do love you.”
for some reason though, xiaoting giggled.
“it’s funny though. i will admit… it was annoying. but when you stopped.. it felt as if something, a part of me, was missing. and i think… that’s when i started realizing that i loved you too.”
when she said that, you felt as if the world had frozen. like there was a lump in your throat. you were speechless.
she held your hand, and intertwined her fingers with yours.
“and i know.. that i don’t deserve you at all. but i’m happy that we’re here and now i know that… you really have always loved me. but i was too dumb to realize.”
words could not describe how you felt at that moment.
her breath was heavy. her eyes were glowing like pearls. her pink blush, her hand, in yours… it all felt perfect. no— she’s perfect. you and your beloved, the one you love, underneath the moonlight.
she smiles, with tears starting to fall from her cheeks.
