gender: hacked

mickey/24/he, it or fae pronouns. transitioning blog. sideblog; follows from lesbianb. currently: waiting for initial doctor's appointment. again.

[hackinggender]

i’m sorry, i feel like a failure. i keep thinking things will be better and nothing changes. i just want some basic autonomy i want to be free of this pain but i don’t see a way out.

[hackinggender]

it hurts not only to have dysphoria but to have it so hard to get treatment. it hurts that i have to face that i might not be allowed to adopt bc of ableist/homophobic/transphobic stigma. and have to take that into consideration when thinking about when and how i can transition. i hate that i’m in this financial situation. i wish i wasn’t dysphoric. i wish people didn’t despise me for being who i am. i wish i wasn’t financially dependent on people who don’t allow me much autonomy in the way of appearance or medical decisions. it hurts so much.

[hackinggender]

they day is here!! i hope everything goes well!! 💕

thank you!! i actually probably need to wait a few months for an endocrinologist referral; the doctor wants to check my hormone levels first.

[hackinggender]

okay so my appointment is thursday at seven forty

[hackinggender]

okay so i had yet another big fight with my mother about gender stuff and she says she’s not going to give me permission but implied she wouldn’t kick me out if i did start hrt so... tomorrow i’m going to call to try to get an initial appointment scheduled... im nervous but i cant do this anymore i have to change things

also my parents said that apparently over the summer they might allow me to get a chest reduction... they don’t want my to have a completely flat chest but maybe i’ll find a way to make things work (ask for a flat chest and wear inserts around them?)

i have some money saved from earlier so... i should be able to afford it for a while at least

[hackinggender]

i’m really just blown away by everyone’s generosity, truly. i feel more hopeful already. maybe this could actually work, maybe i can start hrt.

i don’t dare dream of top surgery yet, that seems still so far out of reach. for now, though, i have a binder.

[hackinggender]

okay so i found out that to take testosterone without insurance would be about $60 a month. calling to find out the price was... embarrassing. i felt like there was a big flashing sign above my head saying “I’M TRANS AND A FOOL” haha... but this is good to know.

[hackinggender]

hey i haven’t posted here in a while but i want to say i haven’t given up. i had a big fight with my parents explaining how much pain they’re causing me by misgendering me and keeping me from transitioning. they wouldn’t listen. since they won’t help me, i’m trying to raise money through donations so i can transition without using their insurance. maybe they’ll let me do it if i pay for it myself. honestly... this feels like my last chance. i’m scared... but i want this to work. i have to try.

[hackinggender]

actually never mind! never mind any of this! my referrals from two doctors, my recommendation to be allowed at least a reduction, was turned down! so i can’t medically transition at all until who knows when! don’t expect any updates for a long time, if ever!

[hackinggender]

my parents told me they won’t allow me to take hormones even if i get a psychologist’s approval

[hackinggender]

i have my top surgery consultation on the 24th.. i need to talk with my parents again about how much i’ll able to have done. i’m still really upset that they’re trying to stop me from transitioning as much as i want to.

[hackinggender]

well! i got a referral but it seems like my parents are going to stop me from getting full top surgery! i’m not okay!

[hackinggender]

i’ve been having trouble getting my insurance to cover top surgery. i spoke to a surgeon and he said it would be $12,000-$14,000. i have nowhere near that kind of money. i’m going to try talking to my doctor about getting a referral for this tomorrow. i hope it will work out, because these obstacles i’m facing are devastating. i don’t know what i’ll do if i can’t get this coverage. i can’t imagine being able to get that much with donations + my own income. i’m really upset.

[hackinggender]

this morning, i had my endocrinologist consultation. the doctor was very helpful and friendly. she said once i have a note of approval from my psychologist, i can start t in gel form! i opted against injections for now at least because of my discomfort with needles.

top surgery is a more complicated process; the hospital doesn’t perform the procedure. i have found someone who does do it, but i am not sure if my insurance will be accepted/how to pay for it if he doesn’t. i will contact him later.

[hackinggender]

first video, pre-everything!

[hackinggender]

i came out as gay to my mother today. it could’ve gone worse, could’ve gone better. i also scheduled my endocrinologist appointment! it’s going to be on the 20th.

[hackinggender]

my doctor gave me a referral to an endocrinologist! they should get back to me to schedule a transition consultation by tuesday! i’m super excited!