WARNINGS:
01. ) please understand this is a very over simplified headcanon for a very complex issue ! ( this is said for all my headcanons. )
02. ) unhealthy relationships are mentioned / discussed about.
03. ) delusional, controlling, and aggressive behavior are mentioned / discussed about.
SUMMARY:
01. ) i’d suggest reading this post and this post before reading this one, but it’s not required to understand this post !
02. ) to summarize this entire post best i can: joel cannot create / have healthy relationships properly ( especially not after the apocalypse started. ), without them turning unhealthy or turning polluted eventually. he’s a very unhealthy person, and sometimes takes it out on others.
i’m sure i know what you’re thinking: it’s the goddamn apocalypse, of course he’s going to lie, hurt, or even kill other people. it’s what you do when the world ends.
absolutely. good point. but, as we mentioned before in other posts, my joel is somewhat delusional ( mostly side effects from the medications / drugs & alcohol he use to mix together ), and will take things to the complete extreme for others he cares about, even if they do not want him to. an example of that is when ellie wanted to help the fireflies, she knew what the consequences of her actions were, and yet-- joel didn’t give her the choice. not only did joel take her choice away from her, he partly lied to her about it.
joel isn’t some evil mastermind, though. he isn’t completely aware of his actions and feelings. if you were to describe himself to him, but replace his name with somebody else’s, he would think, at the very least, very poorly of them.
well, we get it now. he doesn’t understand he’s doing it ( or at least doesn’t accept it ) and he’s delusional in terms of what’s right and wrong. how does this effect his relationships ?
well, buckaroo, i’ll tell ya’.
he can get aggressive* when angered or upset, and sometimes even controlling.** he does this to stay in control of situations.*** he gets so worried**** that it turns into paranoia and delusions, too. he has ended up living with the results of ruining his mental health from his previous addictions.
* = aggressive such as: he would punch walls or throw things. very rarely will he get physical, but he’s proven that he can and will if he feels like he must. example: when he shoved tommy into a wall after speaking to him about taking ellie to the fireflies.
** = controlling as in: not letting certain people be alone while traveling, not letting them socialize with certain people, etc. example: jesse mentions to ellie how involved joel gets in when ellie goes out on portals. while vague, we can assume joel is effecting the patrols one way or another.
*** = joel constantly feels as if he zero control over every aspect of his life. so what does he do ? try to control certain situations by showing he is the dominant one. he’ll fight tooth and nail to prove to himself and to others that he does have control-- even when he doesn’t.
**** = have you ever worried so much about something, that it ate at you until it becomes unbearable ? well, this is a normal for joel. if anything, it’s so normal that if he doesn’t feel this way, he’ll inflict ( mental ) pain onto himself until he goes back to being eaten alive by his thoughts.
why, though ? why does he hurt himself so much ? well, as mentioned in my previous posts, he believes he deserves it ( more details coming soon. ). that he isn’t worth being around unless he’s protecting the people he loves, and if he fails to do so, he’ll punish himself.
regardless, does any of this excuse his behavior ? no, it doesn’t. he’s a very toxic person who wants to change for the better but doesn’t quite know how. he’s self aware enough to know he’s doing something wrong, hence the constantly beating himself up thing, but he doesn’t know what he’s exactly doing wrong. and he’ll never know until somebody tries to tell him about it, because for all he knows, there’s nothing wrong with what his current routine. he hasn’t died, and he’s only saved the lives of everybody he cares about many times. so why change, if it’s not been proven to be inefficient ?
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2087
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