Just a Weird Gal

Well, fuck.

[hady-violet]

Okay, since there’s actually people here now, I feel like I need to clarify:

I don’t have a problem with being a guy. I’d just prefer being a girl. I don’t have a problem with my name, both my legal one and “Hady”. In fact, I quite like them both. I don’t have a problem with people assuming I’m male, or having to hide this from people in real life. The only dysphoria I get is when my hair is short, which it thankfully isn’t currently, because I stopped listening to people when they told me to cut it a few months ago (and maybe when facial hair is too visible, but that’s easily dealt with). So, I am pretty lucky with all that. And I really don’t need to be pitied, because I am literally fine with pretty much everything.

[mysillycomics]

tumblr user FOOLISHLY reblogs to the WRONG BLOG and is EXECUTED IMMEDIATELY

[hady-violet]

I know I don’t really use this blog anymore because it’s neither a question nor a secret anymore, but I still decided to change up the profile picture a bit. For one, I missed the purple, so I brought it back. Had to sacrifice the trans flag, but whatever. I also changed the hair a bit, and had a startling realisation that it’s not too far from how my hair actually looks now.

[hady-violet]

Oh, now my mind decided to let me feel I’m trans. After I figured it out already. Thanks a lot for that.

[hady-violet]

Okay brain, stop making stuff up. We didn’t have dysphoria before yesterday, you don’t need to pretend that we do now. I know already that I’m trans, so stop it.

[sarah-ankh]

A fish has been in watts whole life, bit doesn't know it's wet until it's taken out of the lake at least once.

I never realised what I was feeling was dysphoria until after I dressed femme for the first time and *wasn't dysphoric* for the first time in memory.

Could be what you're experiencing?

[hady-violet]

I don’t think so, no. It’s literally a feeling I didn’t have before, without really changing anything. Then again, me and feeling things is not a great match. I barely feel my emotions, and don’t feel my body really well, so, who the hell knows?

[sarah-ankh]

Disassociation?

I tend to shove all my emotions away until they feel like overheating someone talking in the next room. (Whether I want to or not, learning to let them in is an ongoing process)

When I do thst, I don't realise I'm dysphoric. I just feel tired and kinda grumpy, and a little gross. Then I suddenly realise "oh, I'm feeling dysphoric because I forgot to shave" .

It hits very differently when I'm more present.

Not that I want to tell you what you're feeling, I'm just trying to describe my experiences in case it can help you at all.

[hady-violet]

Don’t worry, I know you’re just trying to help.

And I don’t know, it’s normal for me. I’ve been like that for as long as I remember. According to my therapist it’s trauma, but it’s not like I had a properly traumatic experience, apparently small me was really easily traumatised.

[hady-violet]

Oh, now my mind decided to let me feel I’m trans. After I figured it out already. Thanks a lot for that.

[hady-violet]

Okay brain, stop making stuff up. We didn’t have dysphoria before yesterday, you don’t need to pretend that we do now. I know already that I’m trans, so stop it.

[sarah-ankh]

A fish has been in watts whole life, bit doesn't know it's wet until it's taken out of the lake at least once.

I never realised what I was feeling was dysphoria until after I dressed femme for the first time and *wasn't dysphoric* for the first time in memory.

Could be what you're experiencing?

[hady-violet]

I don’t think so, no. It’s literally a feeling I didn’t have before, without really changing anything. Then again, me and feeling things is not a great match. I barely feel my emotions, and don’t feel my body really well, so, who the hell knows?

[spitblaze]

If you are a girl who is feeling very upset and guilty that you relate to male characters more than female characters: you are not inherently a misogynist for feeling this way, and you don't have to self-flagellate for not being a good enough feminist. Misogyny is a lot more complex than 'has more favorite boy characters than girl characters' and fandom feminism tends to do a pretty bad job on explaining not just what constitutes misogyny but why. Maybe do some introspection on why it's so much easier for you to imagine yourself in the role of someone who doesn't share your agab, though.

[spitblaze]

Similarly.

If you are a boy that feels weird and predatory about gravitating towards girl characters over boy characters: your interest and desire is not shameful or dangerous. A lifetime of being told that you’re inherently a threat to women is hard to shake off, but I need you to trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with preferring women over men. There's a lot of weird regressive ideas poising themselves as 'feminism' in fandom spaces and the idea that a non-woman being 'too into women' or 'too feminine' makes you a weird pervert or a predator is complete nonsense. Maybe do some introspection on why you feel such a strong connection to characters who don't share your agab, though.

[hady-violet]

.… well damn.

[mersinia]

You okay vio?

[hady-violet]

Yeah, I’m fine. Just seeing some overlap between the second reblog and my own experience.

Funnily enough, if I saw this a week ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

[sarah-ankh]

Hits like a fucking brick, doesn't it?

[hady-violet]

Yep. Really fun.

[hady-violet]

Fun fact, the first “person” who predicted this is my Russian autocorrect. It’s been trying to make me use feminine verbs for myself for years.

[hady-violet]

Damn. People found the blog.

Come to think of it, I should change the pinned post. I mean, I’m not really questioning anymore.

[spitblaze]

If you are a girl who is feeling very upset and guilty that you relate to male characters more than female characters: you are not inherently a misogynist for feeling this way, and you don't have to self-flagellate for not being a good enough feminist. Misogyny is a lot more complex than 'has more favorite boy characters than girl characters' and fandom feminism tends to do a pretty bad job on explaining not just what constitutes misogyny but why. Maybe do some introspection on why it's so much easier for you to imagine yourself in the role of someone who doesn't share your agab, though.

[spitblaze]

Similarly.

If you are a boy that feels weird and predatory about gravitating towards girl characters over boy characters: your interest and desire is not shameful or dangerous. A lifetime of being told that you’re inherently a threat to women is hard to shake off, but I need you to trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with preferring women over men. There's a lot of weird regressive ideas poising themselves as 'feminism' in fandom spaces and the idea that a non-woman being 'too into women' or 'too feminine' makes you a weird pervert or a predator is complete nonsense. Maybe do some introspection on why you feel such a strong connection to characters who don't share your agab, though.

[hady-violet]

.… well damn.

[mersinia]

You okay vio?

[hady-violet]

Yeah, I’m fine. Just seeing some overlap between the second reblog and my own experience.

Funnily enough, if I saw this a week ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

[spitblaze]

If you are a girl who is feeling very upset and guilty that you relate to male characters more than female characters: you are not inherently a misogynist for feeling this way, and you don't have to self-flagellate for not being a good enough feminist. Misogyny is a lot more complex than 'has more favorite boy characters than girl characters' and fandom feminism tends to do a pretty bad job on explaining not just what constitutes misogyny but why. Maybe do some introspection on why it's so much easier for you to imagine yourself in the role of someone who doesn't share your agab, though.

[spitblaze]

Similarly.

If you are a boy that feels weird and predatory about gravitating towards girl characters over boy characters: your interest and desire is not shameful or dangerous. A lifetime of being told that you’re inherently a threat to women is hard to shake off, but I need you to trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with preferring women over men. There's a lot of weird regressive ideas poising themselves as 'feminism' in fandom spaces and the idea that a non-woman being 'too into women' or 'too feminine' makes you a weird pervert or a predator is complete nonsense. Maybe do some introspection on why you feel such a strong connection to characters who don't share your agab, though.

[hady-violet]

.… well damn.

[hady-violet]

Gender is a game, like Pokemon. And just like in Pokemon, I am not motivated enough to bother with finding out how to play it professionally. I’m just staying with the basics, going from one end of the binary to the other. I’m leaving specific niche genders to other people, I personally value other things more than getting really good at gender.

[hady-violet]

Oh, now my mind decided to let me feel I’m trans. After I figured it out already. Thanks a lot for that.

[hady-violet]

Okay brain, stop making stuff up. We didn’t have dysphoria before yesterday, you don’t need to pretend that we do now. I know already that I’m trans, so stop it.

[hady-violet]

Oh, now my mind decided to let me feel I’m trans. After I figured it out already. Thanks a lot for that.

[hady-violet]

Update, apparently I really love being called Violet. Yeah, no, no. I think that’s pretty much confirmation at this point.

Now I have to keep that secret from… literally everyone outside of tumblr. yay

[hady-violet]

I’ve been clinging to my Blåhaj a lot lately, so there’s that.

[hady-violet]

They should make a 2m Blåhaj, so that I can comfortably cling to one.

[hady-violet]

I’ve been clinging to my Blåhaj a lot lately, so there’s that.

[hady-violet]

It really is not helpful for this whole thing that I am extremely detached from my body. Like, I barely feel that thing. Like, on a physical level, I have a high resistance to pain and cold, I barely feel hunger, and I rarely know what’s going on with it in general. On a less physical level, I don’t really… feel connected to it? Not in a “it doesn’t feel like this body is mine” way or anything like that. Like, I know it’s my body. It’s always been there when I looked in the mirror, and it moves when I move, whose else would it be? But, like, I don’t see it as me? Does that make sense? I recently noticed that whenever I think about how I look, I think exclusively about my hair. Which is pretty weird, I know, no idea what to do about that. But I do plan on having it be longer, and I absolutely love the idea.

Also, my connection to my emotions is even worse than that to my body. I’ve blamed it on autism before, because I know I have them, I sometimes figure my emotions out via their physical responses (which, as mentioned above, is not something I’m good at noticing), and I sometimes do feel that there is an emotion, but I have no idea what it is. So, like, I can’t work with that either.

[hady-violet]

Technically, if my perception of my body is limited to my hair, then me absolutely loathing having short hair and absolutely loving having longer hair could be gender dysphoria and euphoria. But I don’t know, that doesn’t really feel like it counts.

[hady-violet]

Wait, that makes too much sense to dismiss outright. I absolutely loathed seeing myself with shorter hair, actively avoided mirrors and other reflective surfaces, and avoided every possible opportunity to be in photos.

Meanwhile now, with somewhat longer hair (even if it’s still a while until it’s as long as I’d like) I probably spend around 5-10% of my free time in front of a mirror playing with my hair and feeling happier about the length it’s at currently than I should.

I don’t like this.

[hady-violet]

I did catch myself thinking that I want to have long hair in a girl way, not in a “guy with long hair” way, so there’s that.