Untitled

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

Can Some Things Ever Really Be Put Into Words?

This week's reading of Beloved was probably the hardest part of the book for me so far. There were a few times where I caught myself just staring at the page thinking... "How is anyone supposed to survive something like this?" Some of the things Sethe experienced are almost impossible for me to imagine. I think that is part of why this section hit me so hard.

The part that stood out the most was Beloved's monologue. At first, I was honestly confused. I kept asking myself... "Am I missing something here?" The thoughts jump around and do not follow a normal story. But then I started thinking maybe Morrison did that on purpose. If someone goes through something terrible, would they remember it in a neat, organized way? Probably not. Memories can be messy, especially painful ones.

I also found myself thinking a lot about Denver. She never experienced slavery herself, but it still affects her whole life. That made me stop and think, "How much of our family's past becomes part of our own story?" Even if we did not live through something ourselves, can it still shape who we are? I think it can.

Working in healthcare, I see this in a different way sometimes. I have met people who are still dealing with things that happened years or even decades ago. Sometimes it is trauma, loss, addiction, or difficult family situations. The event happened a long time ago, but the effects are still there. Reading Beloved made me think about that a lot.

As a parent, I kept coming back to Sethe. I found myself asking... "What would I do to protect my kids?" Then I would immediately think... "I honestly do not know." It is easy to judge someone's choices when you are sitting comfortably reading a book. It is a lot harder when you try to put yourself in their position and realize how impossible the situation really was.

One thing I keep talking myself through while reading this book is the idea that the past never really disappears. We all have things that stay with us. Maybe it is losing someone we love, making a mistake we regret, or going through a difficult time. We move forward, but those memories are still there. Isn't that kind of what Morrison is showing us throughout the whole book?

This week's reading left me with more questions than answers. Can people ever fully heal from trauma? How do we remember painful history without letting it completely take over our lives? And if stories like this are uncomfortable to read, does that mean they are actually the stories we most need to hear?

I do not know the answers, but I know this section of Beloved is one I will be thinking about long after I finish the book.

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

When the Past Refuses to Leave

Reading Beloved has honestly been different from any other book I have read. The very first line says, “124 was spiteful. Full of a baby’s venom.” Right away I was thinking, what does that even mean? The house is haunted, but everyone living there acts like it is just part of normal life. That made the story feel more real and sad instead of just scary.

As I kept reading, I started realizing the ghost is more than just a ghost. It feels like the past is haunting everyone in the house. Sethe escaped slavery, but she still carries all the pain and memories with her every day. It made me wonder if someone can ever truly move on after going through something that terrible.

One thing that stood out to me was how lonely Sethe and Denver seem. Nobody really wants to come around the house because of what happened there. It feels like the whole community knows there is pain connected to 124. Have you ever noticed how people sometimes avoid talking about hard things because it makes them uncomfortable? That is kind of what this feels like.

When Paul D comes to the house, things start to change a little. He tries to get rid of the ghost and bring some happiness back into the home. But even Paul D has painful memories he cannot escape from. That seems like one of the biggest messages in the book so far. The past follows all of them no matter how hard they try to forget it.

I also noticed Morrison writes the story in a confusing way sometimes. The story jumps around instead of going in order. At first I thought I missed something while reading, but now I think Morrison did that on purpose. Memories and trauma do not always come back in order. People remember things in pieces, especially painful things.

Something I keep thinking about is whether Beloved is really a ghost or if she represents guilt and memories that will not go away. Maybe Morrison wants readers to think about both ideas at the same time.

This book is not easy to read because of the topics it talks about, but I think that is the point. Morrison wants readers to understand that slavery did not just end and disappear for people. The pain stayed with them long after it was over, almost like a ghost that never leaves the house.

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

Broken by Big Brother. Ending of 1984 Still Feels So Disturbing

So I finally finished 1984 and honestly… the ending was way darker than I expected. I kept hoping Winston would somehow escape or at least stay himself deep down, but that never happened. By the end of the book, the Party completely breaks him. And honestly, that might be the scariest part of the whole story.

The Ministry of Love chapters were really hard to read. The torture was bad enough, but what really got to me was how calm O’Brien acted while explaining the Party’s ideas. When he says “power is not a means; it is an end,” it made me realize the Party does not care about helping people or making life better. They only care about having control. That idea honestly felt disturbing to me.

The “2 + 2 = 5” part also stuck with me. At first it sounds ridiculous, but then I started thinking… what if someone heard lies over and over their whole life? What if everyone around them believed it too? Would they eventually start believing it? That part made me think a lot about how important truth really is.

Room 101 was probably the hardest scene for me to read. Winston spends the whole book trying to hold onto something real, especially his relationship with Julia. But when the rats are used against him, he completely breaks and begs for Julia to be punished instead. I kept thinking… would I do the same thing if someone used my biggest fear against me? I honestly do not know.

Looking back now, the coral paperweight feels a lot more important than it first seemed. Earlier in the book, it felt like a small symbol of the past and of something real that the Party could not change. But once it gets smashed, it almost feels like Winston himself is breaking too. The same thing happened with the room above the antique shop. It seemed safe and normal at first, but deep down I kept feeling like it would not last.

What really stuck with me is that the Party does not only want people to obey. They want people to actually believe them. By the end, Winston is not just pretending anymore; he really loves Big Brother. Somehow that felt worse than death because it means the Party took away the last part of who he was.

This book also made me think about today. Not in the exact same way as the book, but it made me think about how easy it can be for people to believe things they hear all the time without questioning them. It made me wonder how much fear, media, and other people influence the way we think.

I think the biggest thing I took away from 1984 is how important truth, memory, and individuality are. Winston slowly loses all of those things, and once he does, there is almost nothing left of him. That ending honestly stayed in my head after I finished the book. It made me keep wondering… what would happen if nobody remembered what was actually true anymore?

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

This Feels Too Good to Be True…

So getting further into 1984, it honestly just keeps getting more uncomfortable for me. The part where Winston goes into the prole area stood out because it felt different, almost more normal. But then I started thinking… is it actually freedom, or do they just get ignored by the Party because they’re not seen as important?

The scene with the old man in the bar kind of frustrated me. Winston is trying to understand what life used to be like, and the guy cannot really give him a straight answer. It made me realize how scary it would be if no one really remembered the truth anymore. Like… if you cannot trust memory or history, how do you know what is real?

The antique shop and the coral paperweight really stuck with me too. It is such a small thing, but Winston treats it like it actually matters. I think I get why though; it is something from the past that has not been messed with. But at the same time, it feels really fragile, like it could be taken away at any moment. It made me think about how we do not really think twice about the little things we have now.

The room above the shop honestly gave me a weird feeling. Part of me was like, finally, they have a space where they can just be normal. But another part of me was thinking… this is not going to last. It almost felt like I should not trust it.

And then Winston and Julia… I did not see that coming at first. But the more I thought about it, the more it felt like their relationship was not just about them liking each other. It felt like one of the only ways they could push back. Even just being together is breaking the rules. It made me think… if everything is controlled, even your body and feelings, then something like that becomes a big deal.

At the same time, I kept thinking… would I really take that kind of risk? They both know what could happen, and they still do it. I do not know if that is being brave or just having nothing left to lose.

What really stuck with me in these chapters is how much they are trying to hold on to something real, even if it is small. But it all feels like it could disappear at any second. And it made me think… if I was in that situation, would I fight it like they are, or just go along with it to stay safe?

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

Big Brother Watching… or Just in My Head?

So I just started 1984 and honestly… it is kind of creepy. Like the whole “Big Brother is watching you” thing stuck with me the whole time. I kept thinking… what would that actually feel like? Could I handle knowing I am being watched all the time? Probably not. The fact that they have telescreens in their homes and cannot even turn them off is wild. Like… when do they ever get a break?

One part that really stood out to me was Winston writing in his diary. That seems so normal, right? But in his world, it is dangerous. Why is something so simple such a big risk? It made me realize how much we take for granted. We can write, post, say what we want… but what if we could not? There is that idea that even thinking the wrong thing is a crime, and I kept thinking… how do you even control your thoughts like that?

Another part that made me uncomfortable was the Parsons’ kids. Why are they so intense?? They are basically being trained to spy on people, even their own parents. That part honestly gave me chills. Could you imagine being scared of your own kids? Or kids being proud to turn someone in? It made me wonder… if you grow up in that kind of system, do you even realize it is wrong?

And then Winston’s job… rewriting history. That part really bothered me. He is literally changing the past so it matches whatever the Party says now. And nobody questions it. Why doesn’t anyone push back? Or do they just not know the difference anymore? It made me think… how much do we rely on information being true? And what happens if it is not?

The Two Minutes Hate was another part that felt uncomfortable. People just completely lose control and start yelling and getting emotional. I kept thinking… why are they reacting like that? But then I started thinking about today… do we do the same thing sometimes? Like when people get caught up online or in groups and just go along with it without thinking?

I think the biggest thing this made me realize is how much control the Party has… not just over what people do, but what they think. That is what makes it so intense. It is not just rules, it is control over reality. And I keep asking myself… would I notice if something like that was happening around me? Or would I just go along with it like everyone else?

What do you all think? And do you think people today are easier to control than we realize?

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

A Voice That Did Not Get to Finish

Finishing The Diary of a Young Girl was harder than I expected. The whole time I was reading, Anne felt like a real person, not just someone from history. But getting to the end made that feeling even stronger. Her story just… STOPS. There is no real ending from her side, and that makes it feel unfinished in a way that stays with you.

One part that really stuck with me is when Anne says she still believes people are good at heart. That honestly made me stop and think. After everything she went through... being stuck inside, scared all the time, not having enough food... she still believed that. Could you still believe that if you were in her place? I do not know if I could. It made me realize how easy it is for me to get upset over small things, while she was dealing with so much more.

At the same time, it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Not because I disagreed, but because it showed me how hard it is to stay positive like that. She was just a teenager, but in some ways she seemed stronger than a lot of adults. That makes it even sadder to think about. She understood so much, and she was still growing into who she was going to be.

I also kept thinking about how much she changed while being stuck in that small space. Earlier, I thought of her as just a normal teenager, but now it feels deeper than that. She was figuring out her feelings, her future, and who she wanted to be... all while her life was in pause. Think about that for a second… how would you grow as a person if your world suddenly got that small? It is kind of sad to think that while her world was shrinking, her mind and thoughts were growing.

As a parent, this hit me even harder. I kept thinking about my own kids and trying to picture them in that situation. It is honestly hard to even imagine. You want to protect your kids from everything, but Anne’s parents could only do so much. It made me realize how much we take for granted. Being able to go outside, speak freely, live without fear... those things feel normal to us, but they were not for her.

This book also changed how I look at history. Before, it felt distant... just some words on a paper. But this made it personal. Anne was not just part of history. She was a real girl with thoughts, feelings, and dreams. That is what makes it so hard. She had a future she was thinking about, and we never got to see it.

I think that is why her diary matters so much. It does not just tell us what happened... it makes us feel it. And it makes you ask yourself some hard questions. How would I handle something like that? Would I stay hopeful? Would I be strong enough?

In the end, this book leaves me with a heavy feeling. Not just because of what happened, but because of everything she did not get the chance to become. It really makes you stop and think… what do we take for granted every day that someone else never even got the chance to have?

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

A Teenager in an Unimaginable Situation

After reading more of The Diary of a Young Girl, it kept hitting me in ways I did not expect. Last week, I talked about how real Anne felt, especially how she still focused on normal teenage things. But this part made everything feel even more real and honestly a little harder to read.

One thing that really stood out to me this week was how Anne talks more about her body and growing up. You can tell she is changing, not just physically but mentally too. In some entries, like around March 1944, she talks about puberty in a very open way. She is not embarrassed… she is just trying to understand herself. That surprised me because even today people do not always talk that openly about it.

But then there is another side. She is always hungry, tired, and stuck in the same small space. She cannot go outside, cannot move around freely, and has to stay quiet for hours. I kept thinking… how do you grow up and figure yourself out when you cannot even be comfortable? It made me realize her body is not just changing; it is also being controlled by everything around her.

Her relationship with her mom also stood out more this time. Anne can be really hard on her, and at times I thought she was being a little too harsh. But later, she admits she might have been too hard on her mom. That felt real to me. I think we all do that sometimes, especially with family. We react in the moment and only later realize we might have been wrong.

What really stuck with me is how much Anne is still growing as a person, even while she is stuck. She talks about wanting to be a writer and believing her thoughts matter. That really stood out to me. Even with everything going on, she is still thinking about her future. I am not sure I would be able to do that in her situation.

It also made me think more about what I said last week about taking things for granted. I talked about simple things like going outside, but now I see it is more than that. It is about being able to live a normal life… eating when you are hungry, moving around, going outside, and speaking freely. Anne did not have those things, and you can tell it slowly wears on her.

This part made her feel even more real to me. Not just someone from history, but a kid growing up way too fast in a situation she should have never been in. Sometimes she sounds like a normal teenager, and other times she sounds much older.

I keep thinking about this… if I were in her situation, especially with my kids, would I be able to stay that strong? Or would I just be trying to get through each day?

It also makes me wonder… how much of who we become comes from what we go through, and how much comes from who we already are?

[halfpastmidnightthoughts]

A Normal Girl in an Unimaginable Situation

Reading The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank thus far has really surprised me. I did not think it would affect me as much as it did. At first, I thought it would just be another history assignment, but it started to feel real and personal as I kept reading. I kept catching myself thinking… why does this feel so different than other things I have read in the past, this book is pulling on my feelings, thoughts and heart?

One thing that really stood out to me so far is how normal Anne tried to be. Even though she was hiding and living in a scary situation, she still talked about everyday things like her feelings, arguments with her mom, and small things that bothered her. I found myself thinking… how is she still worried about normal teenage stuff while all of this is going on? But then again, is this not what makes her story so real? She was just a regular girl trying to live her life.

At times, her entries honestly made me feel like I was listening to my own daughter talk about school, her friends, and things going on in her life. That hit me in a different way. It made me stop and think… what if this was my daughter going through something like this? How would I handle it? That really puts things into perspective for me.

It also made me think about my own life. How often do I take simple things for granted, like being able to go outside whenever I want? Or just not having to live in fear every day? I do not really think about that stuff much… but maybe I should.

Working in healthcare, I see people go through hard times, but this made me think about a different kind of struggle. Anne and her family had to stay hidden and depend on others just to survive. I kept thinking about my kids too… what would I do if I had to keep them hidden just to keep them safe? Could I handle that? I honestly do not know, but I would do everything possible as well.

The videos helped me picture it more. Seeing the Annex made everything feel real. It was so small and cramped. I kept asking myself… how do you live like that every single day? No space, no freedom, always having to stay quiet? I do not think I could do it.

Another thing that stuck with me was how Anne still had hope. Even with everything going on, she believed things could get better. That really made me stop and think… why do we let everyday stress get to us so much when she was going through something way worse and still stayed hopeful?

This reading really made me slow down and think about what matters. It also leaves me wondering… if I were in her situation, would I be able to stay that strong?

I guess we will see what the next part of the book brings.