Interesting how you can form different personalities for different languages depending on how you've heard and interacted in them and how they end up affecting your future interactions
I tried unlearning my native language and relearning it from the ground up because the way I spoke in it always sounded aggressive, due to it always being spoken aggressively in our household. I started to associate the language with anger/violence as a child and avoided other media in it
On the other hand, English became an escape. It became the language of stories, movies, the language in which my role models spoke in and the language i used to escape the outside world. It became a home away from home.
And now what happens when I escape the angry household that developed my distaste for my native tongue, I start feeling ashamed of my inability to speak it properly, of not knowing the recent movies that came out in it or many of its songs. Hence the relearning it from the ground up. Kinda feel like an immigrant in my own country at this point.
For me, I've always faced difficulty with expressing my emotions in marathi. Any descriptive adjectives or words in general that convey emotions beyond the basic खुश, सुखी, वाईट, अस्वस्थ, विचित्र, नाराज, feels weird. Specifically because my family is so fucked up that they've gotten used to just burying everything deep and not addressing it ever and they just don't talk about it. Consequently, i grew up not knowing how to express myself in my own language. English helped fill in the gap because ofc i went to an english medium school and marathi was neglected and barely taught there. Even now, considering i don't read Marathi literature much, i don't have the vocabulary for it. As someone who grew up surrounded by my language everywhere, in school with my classmates, in my society, in my home, wherever I was pretty much for the most part, the fact that such a disconnect can persist is so weird. How does this happen???? Can anyone explain???
