Piece of Soul

I just want to express myself. I like reading and writing.

[hamline]

Day 1 - Healing Series

In January I had managed to not Scroll for a month.

That's the best I ever did, however I fell right back onto it as soon as I forgot my objective, which is to spot being heavily depressed and letting my grades be affected by it.

From today on, I am back on another 30 day challenge for myself, the goal is simple, no tiktok or instagram.

Rules maybe be added according to my behavior.

Today, was extremely hard as I slept only 3 hours (because of tiktok) and had to wake up early for school.

I managed to not scroll through the rest of the day but compensated by listening to songs and scrolling capcut 😞.

But well, it will pass.

Tomorrow is my last day to study for my exams. I'll keep y'all updated.

[hamline]

Heyooooo!

I saw you were active by interacting with one of my posts! I haven't heard from you in a while! How have you been??

Hiiii, well a lot happened

I don't even know where to start,

First, since I don't feel the need to post anything on here, I simply don't. I really like tumblr but I don't want to force myself or anything.

Also, I often interact with your posts and reblogs because oddly enough, they very often speak to me and I like them. Can't stop thinking that we must have similar likes and interests.

And about life, well, during my previous year of uni I was in such a predicament, I struggled so much with so many classes, I had to really give it my all or else I would fail my exams and have to retake the year (which would then make me lose my scholarship).

So I locked in like my life depended on it (and it kind of did), and I studied so much to understand the classes i was struggling in, I actually managed to pass after retaking my exams.

Which is very crazy to me. That's actually a thing I'm so proud of, seeing how I struggled.

Then Summer vacation started, and i was so busy, this time with having fun, that I completely forget about tumblr.

I'm also making Summer vlogs about everything i did this Summer (which is a lot), it's for my personal use, but it's so fun to edit vlogs. Since its about me, my friends and my family, i will show them once I'm done editing (I've done 10 episodes ouf of ~34, that's a really long process)

And now that I'm in my second year of uni (damn I'm so proud), school is making me busy again.

During my first day of 2nd year, they gave us so many homework to do for the day after, I'm becoming crazy.

Its been on repeat like this for the past 2 weeks, like theyre holding us by the neck and will beat us up if we dont do the homework. But I still very much enjoy my studies.

And sorry, i wrote such long paragraphs, it's because I'm too much of a talker.

But enough about me, what about you?

How are you doing? How's life, are you slaying?

[hamline]

Edited videos for the first time today, that's actually so fun

[hamline]

Old rant

I like writing about my life in journals, started when I was 15, was reorganising my journals today and found something that surprised me, didn't know I had that much repressed beef.

I'm not sure about the context but I think I had found my sister casually reading one of my journals like they're the news or smthg and it had provoked so many emotions in me.

So i wanted to share it, because i think what I felt then might resonate with someone else, so here's the rant:

"If someone ever reads this, I will die under the shame and judgement of others. (Talking about my journals)

I believe that everyone deserves a safe place and privacy. Those who cannot abstain from their curiosity and try to invade on the secrets of others are such cruel and disrespectful human beings. Who are they to invade and stomp on frail feelings nakedly exposed on white paper.

They don't have any notion of respect, they don't feel it, that's why it's hard to trust them, you don't know if they will respect your boundaries or crush them.

To follow, the type of person I'm talking about needs to know that if people write their secrets or feelings on paper, it's not for others to read, but rather because they need to let them out, they need to express themselves but at the same time they don't want anyone to know anything. They need to clean their heads, organise their thoughts and separate themselves from them.

For those who read others secrets: know that i won't forgive them, they don't need to know everything about a person's life, they don't need to spy on them, and if you wonder why they haven't talked to you instead, maybe it's because you're untrustworthy and the fact that you read others secrets rightly proves it."

That's it, was maybe 16 when I wrote that, and it's in my third language, but it's not so bad. I'm often surprised by what my old self could do. And because of those trusts issues, even if I was writing in my personal journals, I still stayed vague, just because I didn't want to be mocked by a few shallow people around me. I was so guarded.

[hamline]

Please people recommend me a good digital camera for my future incredible summer pictures so I can capture my happy memories. And please, make it so it doesn't cost a lot or can be found as second-hand.

[hamline]

Flip phone?

Do any of you have one?

If yes, do you recommend? What's your experience with it and if you're a student, how did you manage to implement it in your life?

[hamline]

Argh....

Disappeared off tumblr to take the time I needed to get my life together.

Trying to become better but it's hard, I keep failing and getting back up, but it's sooo hard.

Implemented multiple changes into my life, uninstalled instagram, blocked every form of scrolling (on youtube, snap, insta).

When I saw that I was using tumblr, pinterest and reddit as alternatives for this dopamine addiction I also deleted them.

But now it transitionned into music addiction and it's as bad for me than the rest, so I now need to put restrictions on that.

So that's the bad stuff.

They were some goods things that happened, but most were failures, howevern I definitely managed to reduce my scrolling, and I also eat healthier which I'm proud off.

But I have such a long day to go, I tracked my habits for the last two months and one day out of who I sleep ultra late, so that will be my next priority.

Such irony that as I am writing this it's almost 3am. Addictions literally ruin lives and I'm scared of ruining my school year and my mental health, I'm literally destroying my own soul with my own hands, glad I have God because my faith is the only thing I can truly rely on, everything else is just so frail, chaotic and unstable.

To conclude, maybe I'll update about the journey I've been on, those last 2 months I've been hyper-actively trying to become the better person I want to be, I've been acting like an obsessed person, even without much results (which is quite demoralizing but I keep going), but it only proves how much I wish for a better life.

So, I want to update, but as I'm trying not to use screens maybe I won't. Life is still out of hands so I won't put more pressure over myself.

Love you people, stay good, stay well, and happy new year.

To those I follow, even if I didn't interact much, I still read your posts from time to time, and I like to see how y'all are doing.

Love y'all from the deepest parts of my heart. May all the good be in your life.

[hamline]

Hope you have a lovely day! 🎉🎉🎉

Thank youuu! And yeah had such great time today.

Sometimes strangers can be very kind, I love those sweet moments with random people. ♡

[hamline]

Sunday, 24th of November 2024

1:49am

Just finished watching Dead Poets Society and I'm not the same anymore.

I cried, which I never do;

It touched the deepest parts of my soul, such beauty in a single movie, I was so deeply moved.

100% recommend.

[hamline]

Just wanted to live an easy life, be happy and study science, how did I end up in love with someone I shouldn't love and trying to push away an uninteresting second lead

[hamline]

just wanting to tell something important that happened to you to your loved ones but ending up getting a whole long freaking lesson about how you should be, how you should think, and how your life should be like <<<

And having your hopes and dreams crushed down at the same time.

[hamline]

Help, studied too much, need sleep.

[deathgasmic]

not naming names but some of you are genuinely really good people and i hope that you get everything your heart wants and needs

[kultklassic]

I just alternate between ‘maybe I’m smarter than I give myself credit for’ and ‘maybe I’m dumber than I realized’

[hamline]

Monday, 4th of November 2024

I've set myself some small goals, once they're amounted to one another, they're going to make a great result.

I won't share my goals yet.

I've set a time period, I have until the last day of November; everyday I have these small things to do, and these small things to not do. If I do a little everyday, it should allow me to do better in my everyday life.

Since I definitely believe in the evil eye, I won't share how it's going, neither what this it about, until I've actually accomplished it.

All I wanted to say is that I am trying and I will keep trying as much as I can to improve my life.

I'm not giving up, because I am so damn tired of not being able to accomplish the things that are important to me; Since I am of the root problem, the solution also lies within myself.

So I'm going to work on myself until I can be proud and strong and stop feeling miserable.

Anyway, have a great night y'all.

Je vous souhaite tout le bien du monde. ♡

[erbiumspectrum]

That my mental health has been acting up lately is obvious and everyone around me can see it; but I think it's a bit of a self-perpetuating process: I obsess over my academic performance which pokes my depression with a short stick which in turn smashes my self-esteem with its paw and makes me spiral further down my obsessive hole.

See, I used to be that brilliant child who had to do very little to always be on top without even aiming for it. Actually, I found school boring. I was bored. Everything was easy and obvious, c'mon, why are we spending so much time going over this? How come no one else has grasped this yet? But now I'm in uni and I have to work extremely hard to maintain a steady average grade - worse, sometimes I do my definite best, give something my 100% and still get a low grade. I need you to just believe me that it feels like a tragedy every single time.

So I get obsessive, in my head I go, okay so I'm still in the top 10% of my cohort. Is the top 10% even good? I genuinely don't know, maybe everybody thinks it's pathetic and nowhere near good enough. And what if I lose my spot? Look at X, look at Y, they've been doing great lately, I bet soon they're going to take me over, and what am I going to do then? God my professors have to think I'm so fucking stupid, why couldn't I get an A on that test?

One of my friends says I'm whining, she says she wishes she had my grades. She doesn't understand I've been trained like a dog to consider everything below the best, the first to be unacceptable and proof of my worthlessness. My other friend, who continuously ranks one spot above me, tries to call me smart and it feels like she's mocking me.

I can identify the root of the problem all right. That's easy. My whole sense of identity revolves around my academic achievements. I look at little Lena, point my finger, say, "that's a high achiever right there." It's what everybody in my life has been doing since always. Lena the High Achiever. Lena the Future Doctor, Lawyer, Scientist, Queen of the Morherfucking Universe. But if I look at my current self and can't call myself a high achiever then what even am I? I've only been one thing my whole life and if I'm not that thing anymore then I am nothing at all. I can only be brilliant or a piece of trash. Do you see where I'm coming from?

The difficult part is finding a remedy. Placing my sense of self elsewhere. Yes, I do wish people would appreciate me, that they'd compliment my intellect genuinely, but that wouldn't be enough to solve this issue. I need to coin a definition of me that doesn't include my current average grade, one that's something more helpful than "Lena, rank three in her cohort, terrified of falling behind."

But if I make up a definition of me from scratch, all by myself, then how do I know what I really am? What if I start to feel so good about myself I stop worrying about whether I'm "smart enough" or not, decide to pursue another degree for example, and painfully realize I've been stupid all along?

There's a piece missing in my reasoning. I don't have a conclusion (yet?).

[o2studies-deactivated20260308]

Not in uni yet but I feel like my high achiever-ness is already on the decline.. For me also, I know very little. Scary little. And I can be incredibly dumb and thoughtless, despite being one of the best in the year. It doesn't add up, and even my friends know that.

I also get extremely obsessive. Recently I looked a bit into an abroad university that one of my friends is going to and it's ranked better than the one I planned on going. Despite the planned uni being the best in my country and still an amazing university, it doesn't feel like enough, or just good enough anymore.

For the longest time I wanted to be an architect. I knew that it was a tough course, there was little reward in the career, yet I still loved the idea and knew that I could make myself happy in it (despite protests from my parents). I also knew that despite the struggled I could be great in it. I've been great in school for so long. Even some things outside of school. So how could I not be fine in the course? But when deciding on whether I wanted to pursue it or chemsitry (and deciding on chemistry), the decision was killing me and changing that goal felt like a failure.

Since last year, getting bad grades on mocks or class tests and having B's, C's and D's as individual and overall AS grades has really messed with my sense of academic validation. I cannot fail. I refuse to. I just wouldn't be able to deal with that. But I also can't bring myself to try better, to do more now. Especially as I never imagined getting any A*'s in my GCSE exams, but now because of having gotten a few of them, my grade standards have risen even higher than they were and it's really hurt me.

So as you can tell, I don't have a solution for you.

But what is a start (although still a tough one) is changing your attitude/mindset towards academic validation. Trying to focus more on the work you're putting in, how easily you're able to understand new concepts, and how well you can remember them, rather than the grades you're getting. You'd have you figure out the balance for this yourself of course, you do still need the good grades in uni.

And as for "But if I make up a definition of me from scratch, all by myself, then how do I know what I really am?", I think you've just gotta explore and experiment going down some avenues —focusing on enjoyment and how you feel about yourself rather than results, if that makes sense? Like starting a new hobby and not worrying about advancing or even really progressing. Only focusing on the enjoyment it gives you. And you'd know who you really were by doing that becaue at some point you would reflect that way towards others. They'd be able to see the change and help you see it too. And as a last thing: it is not something you have to do yourself. Or not entirely yourself anyway. You can reach out to good friends, ask for ideas or support or someone to do/find that new thing with. Even sharing it on here counts for something.

I kind of went into a rabbit hole myself here 😅 sorry for that, but I hope you figure this out for yourself soon. I can see you work extremely hard and face so many struggles. You deserve to find a way out of this. And I hope the journey and the remainder of your time at uni is good to you <3

[hamline]

Life's not so bad, but sometimes just everything feels overwhelming