Running at the Mouth @hangramon - Tumblr Blog

What is your quarantine routine? Let me know whether or not you are working. What is getting through your day? Absolutes must do’s and don’t. Do you have special days to make life more exciting? What take out are you currently craving?

Lately, main has a very vague flexible schedule. My schedule usually resembles something like this.

I wake up pretty early. I always have been a really early morning person. I blame my dad for this. He has instill in my that if I sleep past five am, I am a terribly lazy person. When I am working, I do have to get up early anyways. I am trying to keep that habit, but it seems like I wake up a little bit later each day. I wake up between three to six am. Do any bodily functions aka toilet, brushing teeth, washing face, etc. Now I lounge in bed until I am ready to make breakfast.

This is the time I look at my phone. I read the news. I go through all my game apps. (Another topic for some time, but does anyone have a routine to play all their game apps and play them for years? Just me? Okay then.) Go through Instagram. (Also, another topic I want to write about in the future. Well, general social media. One more other future topic. I always seem to get sidetracked while writing and want to write ten different things.)

Okay, moving on. At some point between browsing my phone and waiting for the breakfast hunger hits, I will make my coffee. That is the one thing I miss most about during this quarantine is coffee. My usual coffee routine is making my coffee at work because I am a barista. I never thought I would be a coffee snob even though I am from Seattle where coffee (Starbucks) is such a big deal here. I don’t have crazy high coffee standards, but now I refuse to drink Starbucks. It always taste burnt, some barista is always burning the milk, and the biggest no no of all is that they let my espresso shots sit. Now my coffee routine is 2 spoonfuls of instant coffee, a squeeze of honey (just to get rid of the burnt instant coffee taste), 16-20 oz of water (depending how big my cup is), put coffee in fridge to cool down cup, put cup in freezer after it has cooled down. Once my coffee is nice and cold, I add creamer. Currently, I am using a almond milk caramel creamer. Not a big fan. My typical is an almond milk vanilla creamer.

Once I have gathered enough energy to get out of bed and make breakfast, sometimes with or without my husband, I make some sort of noms. At first we had a variety of items such as avocado toast (a lot of avocado toast), eggs in every which way, toast with butter and jam. Some days I will make pancakes. The other morning we decided to splurge and make lox bagels. Or we just do leftovers. Whatever breakfast items I decide to munch on, I have that with my oh so fancy coffee.

I proceed to watch something with my husband. Lately, our show has been Criminal Minds on Netflix. 100% recommend it. Or we browse through Youtube. Our favorite channels to watch together are The Try Guys, Unus Annus, Magic Journeys, TheOdds1Out, and Jaiden Animation.

That is basically my day. I browse through my phone, make food, watch something. I go on a walk everyday. I take trips to the store if necessary. I day dream about all the take out I wish to buy. My current cravings is fried chicken and pizza.

The introvert and depression side of me is having a battle with my sanity side. This week I got word that I could potentially be going back to work in May. That is when the stay at home order ends for me currently and there are a few other items that need to be in place before I go back to work.

My first reaction was, “I could stay at home for another month.” That is the introvert and depression side of me talking.

The sanity side is saying how grateful I should be for getting my job back. Applying for unemployment and grants are a hassle. At least if I was working, I would know I have a steady stream of income. In this reality, it should be that having my job is less stressful than not having a job.

But it is not.

Not having to stress out everyday to be my extroverted self has been really freeing. I now always have an excuse to not go to work because I can’t. I don’t have to go to any social events nor respond to anyone. Corona virus has been the perfect excuse for everything. A big part of me is not ready to give that up. Maybe it means I need a job where I am able to work from home. That in itself is another can of worms. I think there needs to be a change where I am excited to go to work.

Also, there is potential I could lose my job again. If everything the health officials say is true, then we have another year and a half before life really goes back to normal. So yes, maybe we reopen again in May. Life sort of goes back to normal and then it gets worse.

Can we take another side track of what is normal? I work in the restaurant industry. For me that means wearing gloves and a mask constantly. Being full service. Having to constantly wear a mask, fills me with dread. It is really hard to be personable when half of your face is covered. My job rely on tips and that means being friendly, talking to guests. Trying to talk through a mask for me is difficult. Maybe I just have weak lungs, but it is difficult to breath through a mask. Oh and my glasses fog up quite a bit. I have been putting a piece of tissue behind my mask to combat the fog, but once the tissue is wet, it doesn’t work as well. If these are the steps we need to take to be safe, of course I will take them. But going to a restaurant won’t be the same anymore. In my mind, it almost seems like it will be a robotic transaction.

Overall, I don’t want to seem like I am complaining or coming off as ungrateful. If I can get my job back, yes I am going back to work. I won’t refuse. If I have to wear a mask and gloves, yes I am going to because that is my job. I am just sad to have the part of my job that I really enjoy, be taken away from me which is connecting with people.

I am also afraid of getting sick. Even though I am not the demographic that is high risk, I don’t want to be passing it along. Also, just don’t want to get sick. Getting the corona virus doesn’t sound like all that fun to me. I feel like I shouldn’t have to choose work or my health, but I do.

Quarantine, at least for me, is a lot harder when the days are gloomy. There is barely any physical evidence that the day has gone by except for when i look at a clock. At least when the days are nice and warm, I feel more normal. It is almost like the world saying, “Hey, everything is going to be okay.” There is one thing to know that there is gloom and doom and it is another when the weather matches that gloom and doom. Makes everything just a tad bit more gray, slower, unsure, worrisome.

Tips for Quarantine.

I never thought I would write tips on how to survive being stuck inside, but here I am. My number one tip for quarantining is...

1. Get an air purifier! Originally, I got it because I recently got guinea pigs and having all the hay and bedding in the air really made me sneeze. Plus, where I am it is spring/summer time so, we are in full bloom allergy season. Now that I am stuck inside all day everyday, it is really nice to know that I can turn on my air purifier and be able to breath in fresh, clean air without having to go outside. Being able to breath clean air inside, makes a difference to my day mentally and physically. My allergies are more under control and I might be able to trick my mind for a bit that I went outside even though I never left my bed.

2. Save your pasta jars! Especially if they are the glass ones with the oz labeled on the sides. Ever since I moved out, I have always saved my pasta jars and used them as cups. I love how big they are and having the oz on the side has been super useful. I just moved into a new apartment and then corona happened so, I am not fully set up meaning I don’t have any measuring devices. Being able to use the pasta jars has been super helpful. One cup = eight oz. Also, I love these using to make drinks. It helps with the ratio of alcohol to whatever mixer you want. They are also great for making iced coffee. Lately, I have been making instant coffee/cold brew and putting it in the fridge or freezer if I am impatient. Pasta jars have multiple uses. Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle.

3. Take time to bake cookies! I have a big sweet tooth. I would say a lot of my outings are revolved around that. I love getting an iced, sweet beverage or a croissant at the local bakery. There is always something that is so sweet and simple always taste better when I didn’t have to make it. But those places are closed right now. The next best thing is to bake them yourselves. I don’t mean you need to be the next star baker, but instead of buying Oreos or Chips Ahoy, get some raw cookie dough. Take the two minutes to portion out the cookie dough in a sheet pan, throw that pan in the oven between 12-15 minutes depending on how you like your cookies, and let those cookies cool down for ten minutes. Being able to eat a cookie still warm from the oven, even though I didn’t work in the kitchen all day, gave me the same feeling that I would get when I went out and got a sweet treat. It doesn’t have to be cookies. Can be anything you desire sweet or savory. There are an assorted mixes for cakes, biscuits, cookies, pies, etc. Just gotta pick your poision.

TBC.

I have always had an interest in writing. One of my dream jobs was being a journalist or a blogger, but I felt like I had nothing to say. Or if I did have something to say no one would listen. Plus, I thought I was horrible at writing. I remember a teacher telling me so. Probably not phrased that way, but that was the point of the message. When you are in school, they teach you how to write a certain way. By certain way, I mean tests. These academic tests that followed rules and outlines. They want you to say giant words, have perfect grammar, but also realize that the message is something bigger than just the text on the page.

I was never one to understand what these tests want. I always did poorly in all sections writing and math. Reading I was actually good at. Because I had to write in this format, I feel like my interest in writing really deter me from pursuing it further until now.

There are other factors why I didn’t pursue it more such as my crippling anxiety of caring what others thought, knowing my writing wasn’t the best, getting rejected on something I knew I was already bad at, but didn’t want it confirmed by others.

After over a year and a half of therapy, I finally feel like I am on the path of who I want to be. Hopefully in another year and a half, I can say that I am that person.

People are disgusting.

I read an article yesterday of this 51 year old Asian woman being attacked and harassed by four teenage girls. They assaulted her with an umbrella and blamed her for the corona virus. She had to go to the hospital to get stitches on her head due to the assault. Now these girls have been arrested and are going to be charged with a hate crime.

This disgusts me on several different levels.

The most disgusting thing about this story is how young these girls are. They are teenagers. I am just so disappointed at whatever or whoever let them think that being racist is okay. That attacking someone is okay. To blame someone that they don’t have anything to do with is okay. I hope these girls pay for what they did because it is not okay. I just can’t imagine what kind of thinking that it takes to get to that level. Honestly, I am such at a loss for words to even describe how I feel. I hope that they pay to what they did to this woman. I hope that everyone pays for their hate crime during this time of crisis.

It disgusts me that these girls thinks it is okay to attack this woman when hospitals are already overrun with patients, low on supplies, and putting their lives at risks everyday to combat this virus. Not only are our limited resources are being used for something that shouldn’t have happened, it is also putting this woman more at risk for the virus. So not only did she have to deal with a hate crime, she also has to expose her self even more.

I just can’t believe how selfish people are.

I was just thinking that could have been my mom. My mom is roughly around that age and I would use every resource I have to make sure she got justice. I hope that woman gets her justice. That she won’t let this get her down.

Now I am all worked up.

But at the same time, this also makes me scared to go outside. Lately, I have been wearing a baseball cap for two reasons. 1. To keep my hair back so, I don’t touch my face. 2. So, I can cover my face. At first, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Every single time we walked by someone, I would immediately put my head down to cover my face. When I recognize what I was doing, I realized that I am scared. I have this little rock in the pit of my stomach whenever I go out making sure to be aware of my surroundings. Never going anywhere without my husband. Just in case someone tries anything.

I hear the snide comments. I see people walking more than the six feet apart from me. I see them giving me the side glances. I wish I could say I was being paranoid and people are just following the CDC guidelines, but I am not. I have dealt with racism my whole life. I know when it is happening. I know when someone is judging me by how I look. I know when someone looks at me with disgust in their face and why they are disgusted.

Stress Dreams

One thing I would change about myself is having stress dreams. Well, I would actually change all of my sleeping problems. Actually, I am not so sure now. I would have to think about it.

Anyways...I have stress dreams. Tonight was the first one in a while. I had a lot of stress dreams when I was in limbo with my job. Today was suppose to be the first day back to my job, but with the stay at home order being extended to May 4, it did not happen. As far as I know, I am not working for another month.

It has been a little stressful of not knowing when I am going back to work. I need to keep reminding myself that I am not jobless. I still have my job. I have to think of it like a break. If necessary, I know I can get a job. There are still some places out there hiring for a barista. Grocery stores are hiring immediately. There are options. I just got to keep reminding myself of that.

It is okay.

Day 4 of quarantine.

I feel like I am behind everyone else on this quarantine. I was quarantining as much as I could before while I was still working, but it wasn’t much different from my day to day life. I went to work, went home, went to the grocery store to stock up. I don’t have a car so, it did take quite a few trips to the grocery store to stock up on what we needed. Now my husband and I are good on food so, now we only need to go out only when we need to.

My body, physically and mentally, have been slow to adjusting to this new life style. I am trying to get out of my work schedule mode. My work schedule is just a tad bit out of the norm, but different enough that it is effecting me. Usually, I wake up at 4:30, be at work by 6, have my “lunch” at 9, leave work around 1-2.

The biggest adjustment physically for my body is eating. For the past couple of weeks, due to stress, I wasn’t eating on my lunch break. I was hungry, but it was hard to eat especially by myself. So, I would only really eat one meal when I got home. Now that I am at home and have nowhere to go, I can take the time to make myself food. I have noticed that I have been hungry more often thus eating more frequently. Not sure if it is a good or bad thing, but I wish I wasn’t hungry every few hours. And I don’t mean like, “Oh, I am hungry for a snack.” I mean, “I am hungry for a 3 course meal.” Maybe my body wants me to catch up for missing all of those meals or maybe it is out of boredom.

The biggest adjustment for me mentally is not being able to go outside. I feel like everyone is struggling with this. I have been trying to go on a walk everyday since that is still allowed where I am and I have a little patio I can go out to. But it just doesn’t seem like enough. Plus, I always feel pressured to get home as fast as possible. Typically, I don’t care what people think of me, but every single time I am out I feel like everyone is judging. When I am at the grocery store, I feel like everyone is staring at me, thinking that I am not doing my part. And because I am Asian, I wonder if someone will say something to me. So far no one has said anything, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen. Maybe my six foot tall husband scares everyone off.

The social aspect isn’t that difficult for me. I am naturally introverted and have told my husband many times that the only company I need in the world is him and now my two guinea pigs, Maya and Pebbles. My family seems to contact me enough. My mom and dad call me and I text my sisters pretty much everyday. I have been making an effort to contact my friends. You just never know when someone is lonely and need someone. I feel sorry for anyone who is going through this alone. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel annoyed having my husband around constantly. I love him obviously, but sometimes I just need a little bit of space and he doesn’t get that. He is very much an extrovert. I try to explain it to him that I just need some things for myself. Mainly anytime I am in the bathroom. Doesn’t matter if I am just washing my hands, brushing my teeth, or taking a shower. That just needs to be my me time.

I am still going to my therapy appointments via online. It is strange doing it that way, but I feel like I need to keep these appointments. I just never know when this quarantine is really going to get to me. Lately, I have been looking forward to my appointments, but haven’t been able to go because of the whole corona virus. I am holding on to it just in case I go down a dark hole, I know that there is help on the horizon. I want to help myself while I am still mentally stable vs when i am not because it is way harder to do it then.

Nothing is really free.

Yesterday was the last day I worked at my job for now. Since it was the last day, my bosses decided we were going to give away free food that way we are not wasting food. Also to show our appreciation to our customers that have supported us always, but especially through these hard times. The word spread throughout the building that we were doing so which in theory was great...until a human sin came along. Greed. People got greedy. We were happy to give away a free breakfast sandwich and a coffee, but the situation got out of control very quickly when people wanted to order several breakfast sandwich, a lunch sandwich, five bottled drinks (which weren’t part of our free deal), and six bags of chips (again not part of the deal).

The word “free food” really covered up how grim the whole situation is. We were giving away this free food because we were getting laid off. People didn’t tip for the first hour we were opened. (Yes, people aren’t obligated to tip, but especially during these hard times if people have the means to, you should. I can keep going, but that isn’t the point of this post.) We were all working extra hard to keep up with the demand. The whole thing was frustrating mostly because it brings out the ugly side. Multiple people were complaining about free food. Food is free. There is no reason to complain.

And then on the other side was a little beauty. It did bring out a lot of kindness in people. People did tip and quite a lot. One of our regular customers tipped us $100. I am not only appreciating the money. Honestly, I am appreciating all the kind words more. I been in a rut because I thought I didn’t impact anyone day anymore while working in food industry. I really love working in the food industry, but as time goes on the bad people tend to win. They wore me down, but hearing people saying thank you and hoping that we all come back soon was really nice. I haven’t felt motivated to work in a long time.

I am finally motivated to work, but yet I am laid off. Funny how that works, doesn’t it?

Let’s stop calling COVID-19 the “Chinese” virus.

I have read articles for it and against calling COVID-19 by that name. The reasons for it, doesn’t really justify any negativity and backlash. Asian people around the world are already facing racism because this virus came from China. I use the term Asian because not everyone that has been attacked is from China or Chinese descent. People are already stereotyping and have been stereotyping Asian people in one clump.

There is a reason why we use medical terms for diseases and illness. This virus is not being racist. It is not only attacking Asians. This virus is attacking everyone and anyone. By putting the term, “Chinese” virus divides us. We don’t call small pox the “Old World Disease.” We use the those terms because in the end it doesn’t matter where it came from. Lets stop putting our energy into this passive aggressive name blaming game and just figure out how to cure it.

I have also seen people using this term for political reasons. They have justify using this term by saying they are referring to the Chinese government and not the Chinese people. You know what is weird? There is already a term we can use when speaking about the Chinese government and it is called the Chinese government.

No one is handling this virus perfectly. It is easier to look back at something that has already happen and say, “This is what you could have done better.” United States has been slow to respond by each state and even as a whole nation. We can’t seem to get our shit together because people are still going to beaches, parks, gathering in groups of more than 10. So, if other countries are going to put blame on China, why haven’t they learned from China’s mistakes and done better?

Let’s focus on getting better and get through this tough time and figure out the rest later. But lets never call this virus the “Chinese” virus ever again.

My thoughts on coronavirus...

I am so done with coronavirus. I’m tired of there being no toilet paper at the store. I am tired of wondering if I need to stock up for two weeks because everything is going to shut down. I am tired of people treating like everything is going to give them this virus. It is driving me crazy because the same people who are so paranoid are the same people who aren’t washing their hands properly, wearing masks when it isn’t beneficial to them, buying all the toilet paper in the store, having two carts full of canned foods.

I have worked in food industry for a long time. I grew up in a restaurant. The safety measures that the CDC and WHO have been telling everyone is something that is part of my every day job. I wash my hands constantly. I do not touch my face. These are practices that I HAVE to do for my job and not for the corona virus.

Yes, we are taking extra safety precautions such as using gloves while handling money because we all know money is filthy. I have had several customers today go, “Oh, finally you guys are using gloves.”

There are several things wrong with this statement. 1. There have been many studies showing that it is better to not use gloves because it encourages people to wash their hands more. Using gloves gives us this false security that our hands are clean. Those gloves are only as clean as the hands that they are on. So if someone doesn’t wash their hands, but puts on gloves does not make that person’s hands clean. I hope that made sense. 2. Like I pointed out before, washing our hands PROPERLY and not touching our faces is part of our every day job. Where I work, we have a health rating of excellence. That is the highest rating you can get. It doesn’t look like we are taking extra precautions is because we already have to do that on a daily basis. 3. The reason I am wearing gloves is more for my safety than yours. I know that I wash my hands properly with warm water and soap for 20 seconds about five times an hour if not more. I don’t know how dirty my customers hands are. So, they may feel safe, but it really isn’t for their benefit.

Everybody please just wash your damn hands properly and stop buying all the toilet paper.

Oh, and how could I fucking forget the racism and prejudice towards Asians during this time. My sister was told that she was full of diseases. A friend of my was told to go back to China and stop being so dirty. Online I have seen so many racists comments saying that Asians should stop eating everything, Asian people getting beat up just for being Asian. It isn’t even necessarily people of Chinese descent. I am so sad to hear that Asian businesses aren’t thriving because people cannot dissociate the virus from Asia. I furious to hear and read these acts of racism towards people who didn’t contribute in any way towards the virus.

We are not a virus.

Go fuck yourselves.

rob-pattinson

ANA DE ARMAS Vanity Fair / 2020 › ph. Cass Bird

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