Since last night I wasn't able to find my peace. I was feeling doubtful, I was bothered about what I found out by checking out his old messages in his phone.
Having to live with it today, it was the only thing that was in my mind almost the whole day. And tonight, after having conversations with family members about the infidelities they experienced with their husbands in the past, and how ate Jo described a wife as a professional forgiver. As humans, we all do fall short of the glory of God. We are far from perfect.
And as I look back on how my husband has turned away the life that he lived before he met me, I'm pretty sure it was too difficult for him at first to let it go. There were bumpy roads along the way, I realized that it wasn't easy for him to just quit his old vices. But God did help him get back up.
God led him to me. As I look at it, God made his way to me. In my point of view, He gave me him so I can finally meet God, to know the real Him. And in the same way, God led him to me to get his life together. He lived in this world full of worldly things. He was living in sin. He was also living in uncertainty, his career is without a clear path, his life was a mess. And when God prepared his way to me, it was a slow and steady path towards fulfillment of his life. It was a complete turn around of his life, it was certain --career and relationship was clearly both blessed by God. He has redeemed himself from all the troubles he went through when he was younger. All the wrong turns and bad decisions disappeared into oblivion, and it's all because God fixed his life and he finally obeyed too.
I'm glad that God used my life to finally bring him a life of peace and joy. Just as i also found peace and joy when we got together. We were both God's gift to each other.
I will never trade a different life despite all the suffering and pain I had to go through. I saw how different he was with me. Nakita ko naman kung paano siya nagtino sa akin. Kung paano din niya nilabanan lahat ng stronghold ng kaaway sa buhay niya. Nakita ko kung papaano niya inayos ang buhay niya para sa aming dalawa. Para sana sa pamilyang bubuuin namin.
Natuwa lang din ako kanina na kami pala yung couple sa pamilya nila na nagdesisyong magpakasal, hindi dahil buntis ako, kundi dahil kaming dalawa ay nasa tamang edad na at na mahal na mahal namin ang isa't-isa. Na namanhikan pa sila, dahil karamihan, either nagpakasal dahil buntis na or secretly married na pala sila. Na para bang kami ay naiiba, na dumaan kami sa proseso ng pag-aasawa. Naging mag bf-gf, nagdesisyong magpakasal, nagpropose, namanhikan, pero ikinasal na nga lang sa civil wedding. Well, pandemic eh. Eh gigil na. Gusto na talaga naming bumuo ng pamilya. Kaso wala eh, hindi will ni Lord sa buhay naming mag-asawa.
Alam ng Diyos ang hiling ko noon, magkaroon kami ng anak at bumuo ng masayang pamilya. Alam kong magiging mabuti akong nanay. Alam ko rin na magiging mabuting tatay si Mon. Na lalo naming mamahalin ang isa't isa. Na pagsisilbihan namin ang isa't isa, ang relationship namin ay nabuo with mutual respect for each other. We lived a life where both are equally valued. Both are important, both have a say. Mutually agree upon decisions. What a perfect sight. Sayang Lord noh. Ang saya sana nun, may mga anak kami, palalakihin naming may banal na pagkatakot sa Diyos. Kasama naming maglilingkod sa Panginoon. Matalino, bibo, maraming talents.
Tapos masaya kami, puno ng adventures habang lumalaki sila. Travel, experiences, yan ang mga gusto naming iparanas sa mga magiging anak namin.
Tapos when we reach old age, we will retire, we will travel the world together. We will be healthy individuals, we will be enjoying retirement, we will be living the life people dream of. Sarap buhay. Tapos active parin sa church. Either pastor na nun si Mon at ako naman kasama niyang naglilingkod sa Panginoon.
Sayang Lord noh, hindi kasi yun yung will mo sa buhay namin. Pero sa isip ko, ito yung buhay na iniimagine kong tatahakin namin. Malungkot. Nanghihinayang na hindi pala yun ang dinesign ng Lord sa buhay namin. Na may iba pala siyang plano for us.
Sana Lord maunawaan ko. Sana ipaunawa mo din po sa akin kung okay lang naman po sa inyo. Speak to me Lord. Reveal to me your plans fot my life. Reveal to me the life we are to expect in heaven. I am excited to go home to the Father. Hindi sa gusto ko ng mamatay, pero dahil alam kong mas masaya naman ang buhay sa langit. Honestly, living a life without these people I truly love, it's hard to go on living. I'm living for myself, ang hirap kaya ng wala ka ng dahilan para lumaban, para mainspire magsumikap. Na para bang nabubuhay nalang ako para sa mga useless things in life. Kaya sana Lord mapaunawa mo sa akin ang mga plano mo sa buhay ko. Kung magiging maiksi man ito, nagtitiwala ako sa'yo. Iayos mo ang aking buhay sa disenyo na ginawa mo para sa akin. Lord, let your will be done.
