I guess I lost my motivation when I lost the love of my life. I'm in my 30s now. Bigger and more depressed than I have ever been in my life. I know how short life is + I feel like I lost myself beyond fixing. I might lose weight again eventually but it got me the wrong attention. The only good thing about it is the health. I hated everything that came with weightloss. Iv become so jaded + harbor so much self resentment for my impulsive brain + things I should have controlled better from the get go. In the end we all become dust. I'm just glad I got to see the world. I'm glad I got to feel love. Self conscious as ever even though I know in my heart my outter she'll never mattered as much as I let it. I got small and was unhappy thinking my accomplishments meant success & that I was invincible, I am big and unhappy, realizing I should have been focused on what really mattered in my life, not my selfish desires to fit in. I ended up losing myself, losing my love + hitting rock bottom with drugs, wrecking my brain & damaged my body & mind after taking years to train them to live as a skinny person. I forgot what to eat, I lost the desire to eat completely. After coming out of addiction I was so used to starving myself and living on a diet of my drug of choice that chewing and consuming food made me sick to my stomach.
I got pregnant with my second child during my drug relapse + forced myself to eat whatever my stomach would keep down. It's 4 years later + I'm still having trouble eating or giving a shit about myself. Between separations + deaths in my family the last few years have been insanely hard for me to function. Now that I am sober again I am so regretful of the way I spent much of my life + it kills me I can't make things right on my own no matter how hard I try.
Dreams do come true and they have.. I know more good things will come but it's so hard to escape the feeling that this is all a bad nightmare I'll wake up from + I'll just be happy... The ones I lost will be alive + my mistakes will be forgiven.
Living with guilt & sadness weighs on my heart & its impossible to ignore. I don't want to die with regrets. I just want peace within my soul. My appearance is secondary.
