Kitty🍄✨💋

kittybenzz on 0F 🔞

[berettabarbi]

It me

[berettabarbi]

I don't know why I still check this....thinking you're going to message my inbox. I miss you but I guess you haven't missed me back.

I guess it's been a decade. I guess it's time to move on. Why won't my soul let me? Why can't I stop dreaming about you? Why do I still cry because I can't see you or hear your voice?

I really loved you. I guess to love something is to truely let it go. I soul searched high and low, went to hell and back just to try to forget you. I don't think anything will ever make me forget but I bet I have spent twice the length of our relationship yearning for your touch again. Safe to say this was real, but I suppose it's time I close this chapter and finally move on.

One day one of us will die...and probably regret not expressing how we felt or having one last honorable goodbye to reflect on how beautiful our love / time together on this on planet really was. Thank you

I love you, to the moon & back my sexy white chocolate with blue eyes. We were hot af together. I still look at our photos & smile 😊 we really had FIRE that will stay unmatched. I hope you've found true happiness. I hope you found the level minded love you desired & enjoy the rest of your days on this planet. I'm sorry shit went to hell but in hindsight it was heaven when it was just me & you. Hope we can link up again and go for a cruise together again on the other side.

[minozza]

it's always been you

[devils-queen]

✞ 666 ✞

[berettabarbi]

Ah well I guess I should get real... If you missed me at all you would have showed it by now. I'm a stupid woman for loving you forever like I said I would

[berettabarbi]

It's been almost a year since I posted. Avoiding this app did not make me forget you. If anything my dreams have gotten more frequent. I took the kids to Costco a couple weeks back...when I returned your little red truck was parked 2 stalls past my car....a part of me just wanted to wait there so I could see you but I got scared that I would start crying the moment I seen you. I have so much regret & pain in my heart since your absence 😿 since I seen your truck I have been dreaming of you nearly every night 💫

I wish I could talk to you...know if you've been seeing visions of me too ✨ or if I'm just feeling guilt or just having unfinished business weighing heavy on my heart. Iv never had a heartbreak effect my soul like this..is it fucked up that me typing on here with the mere possibility that you might read it or think about me makes me happy & feel connected to you? Even if I can't in real life we have been in my dreams. I wake up so sad because it's not real and you're voice hasn't been heard by my ears in a decade but it seems like yesterday that we lay arm in arm in your little cozy bed. Zeus at our feet & my heart feeling complete.... It's insane how many details I can remember about your body....the way you kiss me ..the way you fucked me. It hurts that I'll never get to feel that way again. I'll never stop wondering what our fun journey together would have continued like had maybe I been properly medicated or in therapy earlier in my life...how our son together would have looked like...how happy we could have been growing old & silly together 🤓

I'm sorry losing you hit me so hard...so hard a decade later.. I'm still in tears. Dreaming & missing you....yeah the best sex of my life is yarned for but I miss the little things just as much like how excited I was when I'd finally get to see you after work, how much fun you used to have with the boys, how much I loved cruising with white chocolate with the bass booming, dying to get home to fuck you 😘

It's safe to say that Im always going to love you. Miss you & regret not holding on tighter 🔥 I wonder if you miss me too..when you visited me in my dream last night I re introduced you to our kitty boi & he rumbled head butted you like you never left his life. I bet he still remembers you like I do....With love in our hearts 💕 the son you helped me raise is a man now. Taller than mom & on his way out the nest.. so many things keep growing & changing...except for the fact that my heart hurts as much as the day I lost you & that you're the one that I love. Even if we're distant strangers now.....I hope that one day my luck brings you back into my life. If even for a moment 💫🔥😿 I don't wanna die missing you forever 🥀

I wish I was wiser then ..I wish I could turn back time just to feel you again....just to hear your cute laugh again. I just want to hug you, kiss you one last time & say thank you for helping me feel real love in this lifetime. What I wouldn't give just to be looking into those blue eyes w your arms around me...you were the love of my life. It's true what they say, you don't know what you got untill it is gone

[berettabarbi]

As a part of my healing and therapy I need to acknowledge and apologize for anything I may have said or posted that has offended anyone in the last decade I have had this blog I have gone though a lot of different phases of life...which some were under extreme intoxication. I'm not proud to admit I am an ex drug addict but I can't hide or run from my past anymore either. I am trying to be freed from my past pain and take accountability to move forward with confidence.

I didn't mean to harm anyone when acting erratic. I didn't mean to offend anyone with rash wording when under any influences or under medicated or in a bad headspace. People can take song lyrics out of context but there's no denying I was not at my best in these instances... I went from being on top of the world to rock bottom and I didn't mean to hurt anyone on my way down.

Iv been under medical examination for my mental health since a youth and have recently had more specialists understand my diagnosis and the fact my memory loss is not only due to substance but I also have been diagnosed with DID (dissociative identity disorder/formerly known as multiple personality disorder) as well as BPD (borderline personality disorder), PTSD + Chronic/manic depressive.... So there are big hunks of memory that aren't there for me but I remember certain things though photos. My mind only really remembers super traumatic events though all of my personalities + when one of my dissociative ones takes over I can literally end up in a manic spiral for months or years....

I searched back though my posts And cried because I don't even remember the person that posted them.

I am now almost 6 years sober. My youngest son was my saving grace...since he began his life I made it my mission to learn my own mind and try my best to control my moods and triggers. I'm forever striving to be better as a human being and trying to escape my guilt of the past. I have apologied + will continue to try to live my best life for my son's.

Thank you for reading. I plan this to be my last post and to move on from this platform and chapter of my life.

I wish you all the best.

And if HE is reading this. I love you & I'm sorry. I wish we could be friends but I understand our connection was meant for a reason and if you're not ever willing to have peace with me or accept my apology then I can't force you to. I just want you to know our time together truely meant the world to this young mama & her little boy. I hope one day you can look back on at least some of our moments & smile :) I will 💫🔥💕

[ohmyboytoy]

[omega3]

[berettabarbi]

See you in my dreams 💯😿

[cute-and-happy]

[xvisualtreasure09x]

[02void]

Divide Cemetery Gate

[berettabarbi]

Soon enough

[berettabarbi]

Its been a hard month. Realization of mortality and holding it in my arms has my perspective altered to the point I cannot sleep.

I go days it seems just thinking. Crying. Wishing i had the power to change things in my past. To make my time count to the fullest extent and leave a positive footprint on the earth before my time is due.

Somehow my vulnerable kitty heart always reverts back to you. I looked up to you for so much more than I realized at the time, you were my best friend, my inspiration, my perfect match. Here i am sleepless, high on shrooms, listening music. Closing my eyes listening to the bass n vibrations triggering tears rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. Picturing a young us cruising In that big ford Merc. It felt so amazing to be by your side. I felt like you brought me to life, for the first time in my life I left happiness. Ill never forget how much butterflies and excitement you helped me experience. I know now I will never feel that again. With anyone else. It was amazing then but its true what they say, you never really appriciate a moment untill its a memory.

I wonder sometimes if you have dreams of me as often as I do of you. I wonder if you are ever thinking about me at the same time I think of you.... If I had the chance now I'd do anything I could to make it up to you, I have learned by my mistakes the harder way to survive without you in my life. But I really woulda been a happier person without this dark cloud of sadness over this kitty mama. Our lives go by so fast, its too short to be living our days with pain. My heart just desires peace between me and the man I love, wether he's mine or not 😿

[europeanmanclassic]

[berettabarbi]

Please 🥺

[80sdaily]

ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK (1988) - dir. James Signorelli

[self-made-millionaire-blog]