Woman Being

[happymentalmajo]

I can’t avoid looking at it,

Looking the void in your eyes.

It used to be sunshine,

Now it’s all empty skies.

Frightened to see there are tears that are yet to be cried.

It’s your voice I’m still following, though courage should lead me otherwise.

In my voice I hear every promise you’ve made,

Every hope that this time things would finally change.

Your heart pumping nothing while mine is all rage.

I stare at the sorrow wondering if it’s just a phase.

Your smell that once made me give up everything I am, now makes me feel like it was all a scam.

Everyday that goes by, pain seems further away than where it was,

Was I just an escape? An excuse for you to jump ahead from what life brought your way?

Maria Ureña

[happymentalmajo]

A month ago I decided it was time to get help, I couldn’t handle life anymore it kept growing and felt like I just couldn’t keep on going, I knew I was becoming dangerous to myself and had to tell someone about everything that was going on, I didn’t even know what was happening, I just knew I was so sad and I really didn’t care about anything anymore. I knew I had to get help ASAP because I’m a mom and I couldn’t finish things the way I was thinking because I was going to hurt the only person I cared for at that moment. I thank god for my parents and my husband, they’ve been so supportive and they’ve been strong for me and have put up with so much, it’s been easier than I thought it would be, things are walking fast and I’m feeling so much better, for the first time in years I’m being honest to myself, my therapist and everyone around me, im being transparent and I’m doing things for the sole purpose of letting things off my chest, I’m learning to let go of my past, the people from my past and I’m amazed at how many names have come up in my sessions, people I didn’t even know had been so important to me and had really made an impact, surprisingly the things I thought were hurting me were the less important and weren’t so deeply carved in my heart as I thought they were. I thank god for myself too, for letting me realize it wasn’t too late and I could still get the help I needed to continue and enjoy life. Only he can decide when my time is right. And I don’t know if I’m doing wrong by revealing all this, this blog started out as a way for me to release the pressure and it wasn’t working cause what I really wanted was attention and someone to feel sorry for me and maybe that way people would talk to me. I’m not saying I don’t care for any of that anymore, I’m going against my own basic instincts but I’m really trying to prove to myself that none of that truly matters if I’m not well within. Maybe some day I’ll continue doing more nonesense but I think this is just enough for now.

[happymentalmajo]

Therapy 1

After 6 years of not going to therapy I decided it was time I went. My life has been “perfect” I have everything I need to be happy and I know that, tho I always seem to fall back into myself and start the depression session all over again and it’s just a matter of time before I become maniac again it al happens so fast and the periods are too short. I was once miss diagnosed and I know that made me not believe in therapists for a very long time.

But right now I feel drowned, like I just can’t go on anymore. And I can’t let that thoughts get in my head anymore because I need to be fine because I know someone out there loves me and would miss me.

For the first time in 10 years I was honest to my therapist I actually opened up in the first session and told the truth. That’s something I’ve never donde before

Still I’m going to tell her that I want medication. I can’t go on like this on my own, I need to blind myself in order to continue everyday, it’s getting harder and harder inside my head and I’m really drowning in a glass of water but I just can’t seem to change my thoughts.

The struggle is real, and I really want to continue ... I need to get these thoughts out my brains !!!!

I’m getting scared of myself.

[happymentalmajo]

Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into my childhood self ... and stay there forever. Although I know it’s because of my childhood that I’m like this. And that’s how contradictory my brain actually is.

[happymentalmajo]

Be B R A V E as F U C K

[happymentalmajo]

[happymentalmajo]

It really doesn’t matter if I say it or not. No one reads this, because no one cares. There’s only one thing in this world keeping me from leaving, because I know how much it depends on me !!! I can be anything they’ve said, the nuts, the weird, the one they say no one cares for. But the only think I’m sure I’m not... is selfish!!! I really could never do that to her, she loves me and I love her with all of my heart so I really need to get my shit straight and put myself together !!! I need to be strong .. be strong .. be strong .. be strong .. be strong .. be strong .. be strong .. be strong

[happymentalmajo]

[happymentalmajo]

#awareness

[happymentalmajo]

[happymentalmajo]

My soul is on fire.

I do not trust my own shadow, I know it betrays me.

She is my companion, in the lucid days and in the darkest ones.

She travels without continuity in this life. Treacherous shadow You are triumphant, you have won all my loneliness, all my dreams and all my nights.

You are mine, however I do not own you. You have made me fly to the ephemeral cemetery of my pain

I dream of changing this disturbed soul, violating my dark sky, my torment, my shadow.

I dream of breaking all the barriers of your falsehood.

I dream of living free from my memory. My shadow has friends, they all live in my head.

I want to scream until your name turns to lava and burns your vain memories.

I feel lonely although, here you are.

I know I'm crazy it’s madness Ican not understand.

You have the damn gift of not helping, of never leaving me alone.

They say that I am insane because the scars of life have been marked on my body.

But I am yet to find how to break the chains of myself.

I always want to see The Light of life, an independent, solitary and imaginary life. Where my shadow Maria, is no longer mine.

Ignorant reader, my words form dexterity in your head, if you knew what I'm talking about ...

María Ureña

[happymentalmajo]

[happymentalmajo]

[happymentalmajo]

Hey Acapulco, I hear you softly calling We're sailing around the horn of love To Acapulco . . . #acapulco #mexico_fotos #beach #vitaminsea🌊 #vscocam #beachesofinstagram #beachesofmexico #travelgram #sunset #sun_madness #visualambassadors (at Acapulco, Guerrero)

[happymentalmajo]

Golden Gate, San Francisco #california #Sanfrancisco #goldengatebridge #red #roadtrip #californiaadventure #rainydays #aroundtheworldpix #trip #travel #travelgram #rider #californian #sausalito #acrossthepond #acrossthebridge #throwback #vscofilter #vscocam #vsco #vsco_hub #bridgesofinstagram (at Golden Gate,San Francisco)

[happymentalmajo]

Fishermans Wharf, San Francisco. #california #Sanfrancisco #pierr #roadtrip #travelcalifornia #aroundtheworldpix #traveler #travelgram #usa #wharffishing #vscofilter #vsco #aroundtheworld #pleasure (at Fisherman's Wharf)

[happymentalmajo]

#Madrid #madridspain #Eurotrip #erasmuslife🌍 #throwbackthursday #españa #europe #europe_ig #friendshipgoals #oleole #travelphotography #travelgram #postal #throwbackfriday #aroundtheworldpix #tbhpost #tbfreaky #tbfriday #rememberwhen (at Madrid, Spain)