I've been gone from this--the world of social network wording. The world has kept going, the seasons have changed. The year has passed and I have remained. What a year... Oh, what a year. Somewhere in the last year, I realized that the years have passed and I am surviving. I may not be thriving all the time, but I have a community growing around me, reinforcing my weak spots and protecting my vulnerabilities. For so very long, I thought I needed to have my shit together, to earn salvation and to save those whom I loved. I had to be the strong one for my folks, I thought. My brother's death and my sister's diagnosis with MS meant that it fell to me to take care of my folks when the time came. My anxiety was rooted in that, which is probably why I have essentially crumbled and broken, because I couldn't save myself--let alone my family. My folks deserved at least one normal kid, considering everything they've dealt with. Instead, they have me--who overworks, over stresses, overthinks, over freaks. I've been distancing myself from them again, pushing those who love me further and further away. If I can just hold up the facade that I'm normal enough to fool them, maybe it'll begin to fill myself as well? I began to see things in cold metallic colors after a while. I held my family at a distance, I pushed my friends outside my barriers. I said goodbye to people who meant a lot to me, and I listened closely for identity from people who didn't mean a thing to me. I came close to self destructing again. So close. Have you ever found yourself awake right before dawn? Bundled up in a blanket, perching in a chair, listening to the birds begin to wake up in the distance. The sky, which has been so dark for so long--with rich rolling hues of night and emptiness, begins to gradually lighten. Somewhere amidst the early tweeting and song, the sky has turned to a muted dark, gradually lighting and at times still lessened from being too bright or great. For the last year, my life wasn't that deep rolling dark anymore. The darkest has passed for me, but I've been in this greyed out, muted period before the dawn. The sky is becoming brighter and brighter, and I know that at any time, I'll be in the full light of day & soon the morning sun will break. The vibrancy of the colors will streak the sky, and once again, I'll be in the light. My life isn't meant to be viewed in cold, metallic colors but in vibrant, rich hues. Fifteen years ago this week, I sat on a hill, watching a sun rise. I saw Orion peek his head along the horizon in a hemisphere he shouldn't have been. I heard a voice that I needed to hear, and received grace that I still have no way of deserving. The colors of my sky are brightening, with the vigorous shades of the community around me coming alive. I need this community, I've discovered over the last year. I'm not a robot, meant to pass through life without feeling. Being real, being vulnerable, being genuine--the colors of my sky are gaining life... and to think, all of this was reintroduced because of grace. So I'm back to this social media world for a while again. Real life beckons, but if someone else can gain perspective that life is more than just a gray scale--I'll keep posting.
