ALBACORE: SEARCH FOR THE PHANTOM 'WICHCRAFT @hardcorealbacore - Tumblr Blog

3PSD (3rd Party SKIP JACK Deprecation) and the new horizon of "TI" or Tuna Intelligence.

Well my Tuna Crew, looks like the media gods have smiled upon us. A longstanding and trusted albacore informant, told me that some small media company named GOOGLE is going to start phasing out Skipjack. They will start with 1% as a test in 2024, with full deprecation planned by 2025.

Obviously, this is GREAT news for us. I was able to catch up with Sundar, CEO of this small start up, and was able to get the inside-scoop:

"We are a tuna-centric company".

SUNDAR: "We believe a users tuna, is their tuna. They should be able to eat tuna around the world without the worry of skipjack following them around. We also believe in ethical tuna, meaning we cannot risk skipjack breaches and the integrity of a someones personal tuna".

ABOUT. DAMN. TIME. AmIright?!

I am not entirely sure what this company does, but I know they work with "electricity". I asked how they plan to do this, so it may get a bit in the kelp-weeds for those not familiar with "electricity":

SUNDAR: "First, every Tuna Boat out there needs to ensure a 1st Party Tuna strategy. This includes getting the tuna, a place to store their tuna, and move their tuna to their mouth without the risk of skipjack entering the mix. Next, they have to get their Tuna working for them. Meaning, they need to enrich the tuna with something they recognize to so they can consume it. In this case, we developed the "tID" or TUNA ID. Every shred of tuna can be joined to this ID so that we know, there is no 3rd Party Skip Jack in it. Once this "enriched tuna" is available - we can consume it in a scaleable, tuna-centric way."

ALPHA DEMO BELOW:

MY MIND IS F'ING BLOWN.

As if that was not enough, he goes on to tell me about some crazy back-to-the-future robot things. Check this out:

SUNDAR: "We have also opened up TI to the world. TI, or Tuna Intelligence (nothing artificial about it), allows consumers to create their perfect tuna mixes without having to do it themselves. TI will simply generate the perfect mix, custom to that persons taste, instantly. That way, we speed up the tuna-to-value ratio. We want consumers spending their time EATING tuna, not slaving over mental anguish trying to figure out what to put in their mix. And, that is just the beginning. We expect TI to one day do everything a tuna captain can do.

PRODUCTION DEMO BELOW:

HO-LEE-TUNA-SNACKS. AM I IN THE DELOREAN RIDING A HOVER BOARD?

I got offended at this point. To think that me, a CREATIVE TUNA CAPTAIN could be overtaken by an "electric" robot, pissed me right off. So I wanted to know if he REALLY thought this robot could be better than me, a professional of over 143 years (NO CHANCE FOOL).

SUNDAR: "Well, TI is learning constantly, 24 hours a day, from EVERY tuna captain in the world - its called LTM, or Large Tuna Model. Basically, if you are in the sea or at land, our LTM is learning from you since everyone opted into breathing air when they were born. This large corpus and speed of learning is unprecedented. If it is not better than you yet, it will be one day. But DON'T WORRY. TI is not going to replace sea captains, it is going to allow you to focus on making bigger impact that only humans can do - Like curating Tuna Juice Cocktails (TJC's).

WHAT IS THIS HORSE SHIT!

Look. I am all for 3PTD. That shit needed to happen like, yester-year. But now we are going a bit far with this TI. Like, do you REALLY think I can bring more "value" by automating out my sea captain duties? Well, the answer is NO. I cannot bring more value to the world. I am entirely un-valuable if you take away my sea captain duties that took 143 years, a ouiji board, and a sacred heiroglphyic portal to ACQUIRE. I don't care how people "optimize" getting their tuna - I CARE FOR THE ART OF THE TUNA...... AND MONEY. You see, I live in the REAL WORLD. Not Freaky-Deaky electric land. Tuna and Sea Captains are ONE. There is kinmanship between man-and-beast. It is this sacred respect, that "enriches the tuna" as these fools, like to call it.

Well my crew. Today was an amazing day in the advancement of Tuna. I salute this "electric" company for FINALLY DEPRECATING ALL SKIPJACK

"TI"... I am cautiously optimistic. But if it ever gets remotely close to stepping on my grizzled sea captain wallet, I will IMMEDIATELY take out the batteries of this "robot" and use its head to make tuna cans. HOW WOULD THAT BE FOR "ENRICHMENT", FOOLS.

See you on the seas my friends.

FOUND: COVID-19 “Patient Zero”Source Host Turns Out To Be That ASSHOLE SKIP JACK.

It has been a wild year on the sea my friends. We know that we have been a bit quiet to our crew over the past year - but for GOOD REASON. As you know, the “LAND LOVERS” have had a bit of a problem on their hands called COVID-19. Thankfully, your hardened yet dharma powered sea captains do not GIVE A SHIT (GAS) about LAND LIVING issues out here on the open sea, and have had zero experience of it out here on ship. THANKFULLY FO Y’ALL, we took it upon ourself to FIND THE SOURCE of this Land Loving Scourge, and fulfill our compassionate humane duty to the land lovers, where they have obviously have FAILED.

SO, how did we accomplish this when so many have failed? FIRST, you have to power up on TUNA. We ensured our ship was stocked up on the most powerful shit you can imagine: Pure Uncut China White Albacore (PUCCWA). Second, we CREATED a special MASK, just incase. THIRD, we shot ourselves up with the “GOOD SHIT” (Tuna Juice - “TJ”) which is STILL the only known cure and and true vaccine for all things, including Covid-19. Before we tell you who the source host is - please complete our 5 STEP VACCINATION PROTOCOL:

CREW: Go do the following NOW:

Step 1: Get 3-4 cans of PUCCWA (Pure Uncut China White Albacore)

Step 2: Squeeze the Tuna Juice (TJ) out of the can, and place into a medical grade container.

Step 3: Fill a Syringe to the TOP with the TJ (Do not share syringe with friends).

Step 4: Expose a Vein in your arm. IF you cannot find a vein, we found that you can also enter through the EYE BALL with great effect, and is our preferred method.

Step 5: SHOOT THAT SHIT UP (ST-SUP!)

Within about 5-10 minutes, the TJ will work itself throughout the body, and you will not only be COVID-19 FREE, but you will also rid your body of any other land loving disease.

Step 6: Put on your GD CUSTOM CAN MASKS. Take the can you just got your TJ from, put a string through the sides, and tie it around your little tuna head (LTH). Use a nautical knot to secure.

You Wanna Hit this Albacore Kush? We Take on “SMOKED TUNA”. Grab this Dime Sack of Tuna, and Lets get BLAZED!

https://chebahut.com/

Denver, CO.

Cheba Hut is a small sandwich chain, specializing in toasted subs. This place. THIS MF’ing PLACE! Lemme tell you. From the minute you walk in, you are immediately transported into a hippy-den of (NSFW) MARIJUANA. Now, we do not condone drug use here on the HardCore Albacore ship. BUT, today friends, we GET HIGH AF.

Cheba Hut uses all the lingo for these toasty subs: “The Chronic”, “Panama Red”, blah, blah. But, the real question is, are you real? Or are you a NARC! You see, although this now ruggedly, handsome, chiseled, suave, and well-kept sea captain before you is the farthest thing from “street”. I did serve my time on the hard seas of what we called Skip Jack Row. Before being gentrified, Skip Jack Row is where everyone went to get the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean Pure Un-cut China White. Albacore. This stuff was so good, that when you smoked it, the albacore would actually appear and and transport you into a magical sea of fluorescent pleasure (MSOFP). I was smoking so much albacore back then, that I ended up totally broke, always chasing the next can.

SO, Cheba Hut. I THINK I know a little something about Tuna Kush! Which is why I rate you a 2.5.

(actual footage of my then girlfriend, tripping)

First, TOASTED. I get it, you gotta use the “lingo”, but you are treading into the Tuna Melt category, which I cannot just get down with. Second, you used SKIP JACK! NOT PURE UN-CUT CHINA WHITE. ALBACOR (PUCCWA)

Bread 4: Best part of the sandwich! This was really good stuff. Thick, soft in the middle, but a bit of crunch on the outside. This is what saved this BLUNT.

Tuna Mix 2: I. JUST. CANT! WTF is up with the skip jack everywhere? I cant even talk about this anymore.

Ambience 4: OKAY, it was kinda fun! AND, they have a BAR : ) The bar picked this rating up quite a bit.

OVERALL SCORE: 3.0

This is your brain. This is your brain on TUNA. Any questions?

-Captain B.

Catch o’ The Day: Mail Bag! Answered in a HAIKU!

Every so often, we get a few rays of light that come through on the ol’ Captains desk that warm my cold, black, tuna heart. This one in particular fancied an opportunity to declare an important PSA due do do a growing trend in “society”: “CHIPPING”.

There is growing trend of sandwich fanciers that take bags of CHIPS, proceed to open it, and then PLACES THEM WITHIN THE SANDWICH. The result offers a crunchy, salty texture, which can be a nice addition. So naturally, we are asked -- DOES THIS TECHNIQUE APPLY TO TUNA SANDWICHES?

To answer this, I turn to a famous HAIKU sea-faring sage: SUN TÜN circa 722-481 BC, WHO WAS THE FIRST TO ATTEMP THIS ON A TUNA SANDWICH:

***

Salty. Basic Me.

Albacore. Love. Glorious.

Dignity Raped. Gone.

***

LESSON: Although SUN TÜN was a practitioner of CHIPPING. When he attempted this on the Albacore Sandwich - he clearly felt a wash of shame, in which he referred to so eloquently as a DIGNITY RAPING. You see friends, the mighty Albacore is not just an ornamental sandwich. It is a holy experience between man & beast. It is a reflection of ourselves, and a genuine respect of the divine cosmos in which the albacore sandwich connects and inspires... To CHIP a Tuna, is a frowned-upon act of desecration.

To simply CHIP a TUNA SANDWICH, is the most incredibly civilian act you can do. Sure, you can do it - but do you really want to SLUM IT SO LOW? I mean, if you can do that without pause, what is next? A LOONY TUNES “TAZ” TATTOO?! Out of respect for your ancestors, the earth, cosmos, and the almighty ALBACORE - it is highly suggested that you...

LEAVE THE CHIPS ON THE SIDE, WITH YOUR GD DIGNITY!

Now, if you happen to receive a surprise “SKIP JACK” sandwich, posing as a Tuna... CHIP THAT MOFO UP, YO!

Until next time crew, watch the dignity rapings, and I will see you at the next stop!

-Captain B.

Parsley Review: MTGA! Tuna Requires Dissent You Plebeian Scum!

http://parsleyandbailey.com/index.html

Denver, CO

Score: 4.8

Parsley is a small deli & casual eatery located near the Denver Art Museum area. Now, let it be known. THE ONLY thing that governs US, is the wind, stars, tides, and sea by the MF’n TRIDENT of POSEIDEN HIM/HER SELF! We don’t know what in J.H Christ your land-loving politics consist of?! And we laugh - HAR, YEE DEE, YAR, YAR (HYDYY)!!! At your what you candy-ass land dwellers think is “politics”.

YOU WANT POLITICS? Try walking into the cove of NEPTUNE himself, with a sea-cucumber under one arm, and Ariel (yes, THE ARIEL) under the other, with 1.5MM DOUBLOONS in your pocket, all while being 3-sheets to the wind after drinking a liter of TUNATO (more on this libation later) - And somehow convincing the GOD, that SKIP JACK, does not belong in the upper caste of sea-depth society, saving the world a huge, heap of trouble. YOU’RE WELCOME - VIVA MTGA! (MAKE TUNA GREAT AGAIN!)

NOW. THAT. IS POLITICS. YOU SIMPLETONS!

ANYWAYYYYYY! This place has a GAWD DAMN good Tuna Sandwich that scored a 4.8 - if you can get past the weird politics. It is called the TEXTURE TUNA, and is a unique, tasty, and well-made sandwich.

YES: You will be greeted with signs saying AMEX is a greedy, and expected NOT to pay with American Express (Visa/MC/Disco accepted though?), instead opting to help you cut it up right there on the spot. SURE: You will dine with signs stating things like: No Fracking! Tax the Corporations, and No Comcast! (I am in the process of a change.org campaign to have them also add “DESTROY ALL THE BLOOD SUCKING SKIP JACK” - Stay ‘TUN’ed).

You can tell, their angry little balled-up fists channeled some damn fine sandwich making. Luckily my AMEX was made of ADAMANTIUM SEA STEEL, and survived the revolution - checkout the TUNA BREAKDOWN:

Bread Choice: 5

Home made Ciabatta. Served tepid and firm. It was not THICK, like most Ciabatta, taking on a thin, almost wrap-like appearance, which indicates a unique homemade bread approach - and quite good!

Tuna Quality: 5

HARD CORE ALBACORE! White Chunk MOFOS.

Mix: 5

BRAH - this is where it gets interesting: MISO. Thats’ right folks. The salty-Japanese inspired soup base - found its way to a Tuna Sandwich Mix. It is not a topical dressing! But, appears to be mixed in with the actual “mix”. This right here is unique and yummy. But there is more... NO MAYO. This bad-boy is held together with RICE OIL and CANOLA OIL (alongside the Miso). I LOVE THIS. Not inherently a fan of mayo - it is a staple in most sandwiches. Few are successful with replacing it, and this weirdo place NAILED IT!

Originality: 5

BLACK SESAME SEEDS (giving it the texture) & GINGER + ALL THE ABOVE MENTIONS! None of this was a GIMMICK. Trust me folks, I have seen some stupid shit. This....This was well done, not over-done. If ya know... YA KNOW.

Ambience: 3

WTF: Everything in here cost some pretty steep Doubloons if ya know what I’m sayin. To the TUN’ of $11 per sandwich alone, if you get the chips, or drink (or juice), it adds up to near $15 per person+. It caters to the boot-strapped progressive, yet sets a price for the much wealthier sandwich goer: Its clearly not for everyone despite the conflicting messaging around you. Its in a nice cute building, neighborhood - yet when you walk-in, it feels like they try to bring back my crust-punk train hopping dreams pulled from a suburban teenage boy who listens to Fall Out Boy and took his first Community College Poli Sci Course. I DUNNO! Feels passively...just... weird.

Overall: 4.5

GREAT SANDWICH! Best I have had in a LONG time. Fantastic, and probably sustainably sourced ingredients from the TEET OF MOTHER EARTH HERSELF, it is in a nice, clean, casual space - just a bit, weird? YAR!

SCORE: 4.8

WHAT EV! Back to the ship Matey’s!

MTGA! (MAKE TUNA GREAT AGAIN!)

ROCKY MT. MF’N ALBACORE!

Ahoy, Crew! We have TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNED! Yes. We have been quiet for a year. BUT, for good reason my friends. We have since moved from our beloved San Francisco, Bay Area. And have landed in the heart of the ROCKY MOUNTAINS of DENVER, COLORADO!

WTF! You say? What about ALBACORE?! Well... Get your marijuana kiddos, and gather around the campfire for we have a tale to tell.

You see, unlike all you lunch-time albacore hobbyists out there - we are HARDCORE. And have been chasing what many claim to be a MYTH. That myth, my friends, is the infamous ROCKY MT. MF’N ALBACORE.

Many scientists like to make UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIMS, that Tuna species can only live in saltwater & ocean environments. This is pure Western Science BULLSHIT. If these old-archaic idiots had half-a-brain, they would realize they did NOT use a few techniques (whoops?!), in which we did that are proven to separate FACT FROM FICTION. Here are just a few things they DIDN’T DO:

Speaking in Extinct Languages Using Ancient Glyphs Uncovered From Navajo Code Talkers

Mixing Living Tommy Knocker Beard Hair & Mineral Water To Perfection Using Rocky Mountain Pick Axes

Summoning Demonic Literature Hidden Beneath The Floor Panels Of Prairie Haunted Homes Using A Ouija Board

Using Algorithm-Driven Stock Market Signals, Machine-Learned To Open Doors That Lead Through Hundreds of Doors That Lead To No Doors

Interpreting Alpha Numeric Codes Changing Minute-By-Minute Driven By Global Mahjong Game Win Rates

Navigating Terrain and Sea Using Hawaiian Cosmic & Star Guided Sailing Techniques With No Modern Instruments or Engines...And No Wind

PROOF? HA HA! I knew you simpletons would ask for that, as if our ability to be captains should EVER be questioned. Well, you are in luck, mateys. I was fortunate enough to grab this HI-DEF shot below right before the great beast dove back into the icy river. This ROCKY MT. MF’N ALBACORE does not F around. It is stronger, faster, and has adapted fins to go on land for short periods of time (45-60 minutes). Did I mention the adaptation of claws for climbing/defense, a feathered mohawk, and a BAD ASS GRIZZLY ADAMS BEARD (BAGAB) to stay warm in this climate?!

This is the ONLY living picture in existence. Feel free to hang it in your respective ships or bunks for inspiration. (ROCKY MT. MF’N ALBACORE PIC BELOW IS ™️. ALL ROYALTY PAYMENTS MADE VIA CHECK TO US).

BUT HOW DID IT GET HERE?

PACIFIC OCEAN --> SEA OF CORTEZ --> COLORADO RIVER --> YO MOM.

GOOD LUCK FINDING IT. Sad to say, WE are the only ones on this earth that have honed the decades of skill (using above techniques) to actually summon this fine beast. But-- we are thrilled the venture has landed us in our new home state.

We are SUPER HAPPY TO BE BACK UP ON THIS BEOTCH and to be bringing you THE BEST TUNA SANDWICH REVIEWS COLORADO HAS TO OFFER. Fret not. We will continue Bay Area and Beyond reviews as well - just not quite as much.

-Captains Brent & Barbara

P.S. Our previous tumblr account is now inactive due to us losing our memories of all passwords associated with our previous voyages. (F that noise anyway where on to some next level S).

albacorehero-blog

Rudy’s Cant Fail Cafe - Raise your fist, raise your tuna!

Rudy’s Cant Fail Cafe

http://www.iamrudy.com/

Oakland, CA (Also Emervyille,CA)

Score: 5

Rudy’s Can Fail Cafe is a San Francisco East Bay diner, with only 2 locations - and co-owned by GREEN DAY! Or, Mike Dirnt to be exact (bassist). I will admit. I am a self-proclaimed punk rock enthusiast. Since I was 14. YES. How is that for HELLA STREET CRED, YOU POSERS! Although, I was never into Green Day because they are FAR too mainstream and “pop” for my hard-core taste. In fact, I totally snubbed my punk rock nose at those POSERS for decades in highschool…. Okay, okay. I cannot lie. I secretly sang along to Dookie at the top of my lungs, driving around in my 1997 Subaru covered in Fat Records and Epitaph band stickers; but rest assured, when I pulled up to the venues, I promptly changed it to the REAL shit like CRASS and GRIMPLE. Whatever! Green Day’s Tuna Sandwich is AMAZING.

These luke-warm MTV punk’s helped to build out the legacy of Gilman, and that entire generation of music that has inspired millions. They have “KEPT IT REAL” in sorts. There is always a common thread - and in this case, let it be THY SANDWICH THAT UNITES THE KIDS!

I first went to Rudy’s back in 2010, simply because I thought it was a great tip-of-the-hat to the song Rudie Cant Fail by the Clash, I had no idea Mike Dirnt co-owned it, and it had legions of fans. I enjoyed the punk-diner decor, prices were decent, there was pictures of some of my favorite artists eating there hung on the wall, and the song’s were better than most places you usually have to eat at. But, I NEVER had the tuna sandwich. They also cater to all vegan, vegetarian, and meat eating crowds exceptionally well. The menu is perfectly balanced to accommodate all of these diets. The service and decor is good, but not TOOOOOO good. It is a step above the usual diner, young punk inspired servers, unique decor with modified barbies adorning the wall, punk rock playing, and song-inspired dishes like: KERPLUNK, GOD SAVE SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN, etc. (If I have to explain the references here, cough - ahem… you my friend are simply NOT PUNK ENOUGH!)

ANNNYYYWAYYYY, today, was the defining moment. I was expecting a totally safe mediocre sandwich. Like a mid-tempo, teenage angst song, but totally melodic with no curse words or direct political persuasion being played on MTV. I ordered The sandwich as is, on an Italian roll. I was expecting a huge gimick add-on, like “Sex Pistols Secret Sauce”, or “Clash Capers” - but alas, NOTHING!?

Sometimes, a simple classic should just not be messed with, and Rudy understands this. A simple LTO Tuna sandwich on an Italian roll may be best served as-is. No crazy marinated toppings, or out-of-the-box things like falafel to be added, capers, artichoke hearts, fruits, nuts, secret sauces… I have seen my share of crazies.

Rudy kept it simple, and SOLID. Leaving me fired-up, inspired, and proud of the albacore from which it came from. It was a hard judgment, but RUDY HAS EARNED THE FIRST 5 STAR REVIEW!

Here is the disco before the breakdown on this HARDCORE-ALBACORE!

Bread Choice: 5

French roll. Served warm and slightly toasted, yet soft in and firm in the center. It was not pressed, the inside of the bread did not cook… It was just enough to get warm with an outside crunch. PERFECT!

Tuna Quality: 5

HARD CORE ALBACORE! White Chunk. The presentation included nice large chunks (not completely shredded to oblivian)

Mix: 5

Not to much mayo, and not dripping wet. Kept it SIMPLE! I love this… The lettuce provided a crisp crunch (not soft and wilted like most places), the tomato was fresh. A very nice ratio of onion and celery to give it a little more spice and crunch. What I loved most about all of this, were the RATIOS. Nothing was in excess or to overpowering - this is a science folks.

Originality: 5

OOOH. This is where I throw you a curve ball. The sandwich was kept strictly traditional in a diner where it was damn sure to have a gimmick. You see… EVERY place we have been so far, has had a gimick add on. Whether it is lemon tuna, avocado, marinated things, capers, falafel…. They went balls out here and kept all that shit off the sandwich when they easily could have. So in essence, this IS original!

Ambience: 5

Although the sandwich kept to traditional, you cannot ignore the decor, music, army of barbies on the wall, crowd/customers, servers, throwback to the old 50′s esque diner and punk vibe. In the Tuna Fish world, you are usually stuck with the same ol’ diner or sandwich shop. Big props for actually creating such a great sandwich with an actually enjoyable vibe. If I could give more points here, I would.

Overall: 5

Fun, trendy diner that picks up off the throwback to the 50′s with a punk rock vibe. Fun decor, good service, and a surprisingly simple and awesome tuna fish sandwich.

SCORE: 5

OI!

-Brent

albacorehero-blog

Cafe Madeline: Monica From Friends

CAFE MADELINE: 3.6

SAN FRANCISCO, FINANCIAL DISTRICT

WWW.CAFEMADELINESF.COM

We are going to keep this review short-and-sweet. Much like the decor of this cutesy SF eatery. Cafe Madeline is an exclusively SF thing, with about 3 locations catering to the busy SF work-crowd. Walking in, the decor reminds me of something that Monica, from the 90′s sitcom “FRIENDS” would run. A cutesy, catering-centered, soccer mom type of feel. They have a nice pastry case, and the whole shop feels like a french-american inspired cafe - with a touch of suburban mom - Ya HURRD!

Let’s get to the TUNA!

I tried a new entrance chant today: I approach the desk with a cheery, middle aged woman in a CHEFS COAT (WHOA, SEE ABOVE), asking me what I would like to have: I reply, Hi! I am just looking for the BEST TUNA FISH SANDWICH I HAVE EVER HAD!

She smiles, and said Tuna? Okay! And reaches into the far side of the glass case (where the pastries, and other deli stuff is showcased), and pulls out… A… PRE-MADE SANDWICH! WTF.

Best Tuna Sandwich Of My Life (BTSOML), usually does not include pre-made, it MUST be made-to-order. WHATEV. I will roll with the punches on this one. I pay, and take a seat - watching her from afar… YEP. I watched the whole process. You little Monica from Friends inspired sandwich artist, you just put the pre-made sandwich into a panini press and RE HEATED IT! IT’S A PRE-MADE REHEAT YOU MF’S!

OK. There are some problems here: First, it’s pre-made. Second, once you re-heat, or heat it up - the sandwich becomes a TUNA MELT. That is something entirely different, and the taste changes entirely. But, I patiently wait for the taste test anyway:

BREAD CHOICE: 3

Standard Italian roll style - not the best, seems like a standard, but not bad. Average rating for this.

TUNA QUALITY: 5

Albacore Chunk - Tasted fresh, despite being a pre-made. Nicely done.

MIX: 3

Interesting choice with the addition of balsamic vinegar marinated onions. It was a nice touch, but over-powering. This seems to be a common thread, where delis throw in a feature, and then totally over-do it. Still, a nice touch. They mention capers on the menu, but there were few, if any, within the actual mix, and this would have helped it out quite a bit. Jack Cheese… Not my preference, but appreciate the effort - it was melted, which is not a good thing for this analysis. This mix seemed like it was trying to be unique, and provide something a bit edgy- but in the end, it was all misplaced. I must keep it at an average score.

Originality: 3

I LOVE YOU FOR TRYING! I like the balsamic marinated onions - that is different. With the jack cheese, you have enough to say “original”. But, you totally overpowered with the onions, and due to the shitty pre-made-reheat, I feel like the whole sandwich could have been great, but fell to a totally average score.

AMBIANCE: 4

Cute place! Free water station, cute pastries all over, surrounded by white and pink, girly type of feels. The chef’s coat that they wear keeps it professional looking. Clean, nice sitting area, and they had the recycling, compostable bins. I like it, but I refrain from giving it a 5 because it is a bit TOO much on the whole girly, french, american, cafe vibe. Just a bit much, GIRRRRL!

OVERALL:

Cute deli eatery, but clearly focused on catering, and pumping out pre-made shiz to the worker bees of San Francisco. Great potential for originality, but the execution fell flat.

SCORE: 3.6

TIL NEXT TIME CREW!

-BRENT

albacorehero-blog

Gambino’s: A Reunited Love

GAMBINOS: 4.7

LOCATION: SF FINANCAL DISTRICT

WWW.GAMBINOSNYSUBS.COM

Captain Babs on the bridge.

On our maiden voyage, we came across the small Financial District shop known as Gambino’s New York Subs. This mom and pop spot caters to the mainly 9-5 worker bees in San Francisco’s downtown heart. The place is simple and offers a variety of your classic deli sandwiches and salads with simple, yet high quality taste on its side. I walked in expecting standard deli fare and was blown away by a flavor explosion so delicious, I feel bad for any sandwiches that come after this. It left an indelible mark on my soul. One that whispers softly against the waters of the deep, “TUNA…”

I had been to Gambino’s many a morning as it is one of the few places in the area where you can get a tasty bagel sandwich and coffee for under $5. I had always noted with a slight nod of appreciation their variety of vegetarian and pescatarian friendly sandwich options sharing space with the same love as the beloved MBS of many a sandwich afficionado. One day after we had embarked on the quest for the elusive tuna sandwich, my stomach growled in turmoil. It was only a matter of time before the hanger set in. Time was running out. As luck would have it, Gambino’s had no line and offered respite for the weary traveler. I entered seeking in earnest, would they have the tuna salad I so desired?

They did. Called Montauk, which I assume is a reference to the quaint sea village located at the end of Long Island. Within about five to ten minutes, my sandwich, along with a cup of tomato soup, was called and handed to me in a white paper bag, containing the paper-wrapped sandwich, the cup of soup, a spoon, and two napkins.

I thanked the tuna gods for smiling upon me and went along my merry way.

BREAD: 5

Gambino’s offers the option of a soft roll, an Italian roll, or a wheat roll for their sandwiches. Mine was on a fresh Italian roll. It was a delightful balance of a slight crunch on the outside, with fluffy goodness within. With rolls, the tendency can be that the ratio of bread to sandwich is dissapointingly overpowering. However, Giambino’s clearly knows what they are doing. The roll offered a way to hold onto the sandwich and caught all the goodness inside, without containing too much bread.

TUNA QUALITY: 5

I couldn’t tell what kind of tuna it was, but nothing about it stood out in a bad way. The tuna was fresh and I get the feeling it came from an oil-packed can or glass as opposed to water-packed. IMO, this is vastly superior to water-packed cans. It manages to preserve the essence of the tuna and bring out its flavors.

MIX: 5

The deli’s own tuna salad was composed of tuna, olive oil, fresh herbs, artichokes, and capers. A very Italian version of the classic tuna salad we hold so near and dear. This salad is also offered by the half pint, which is a wonderful option for those avoiding bread. The capers and artichokes were a welcome touch and provided something a bit different than your standard pickle relish or celery which most places do when they add in ingredients to the tuna salad. The mix itself was well-balanced and though it used olive oil instead of mayo as its binding agent, I found it to be lighter and more refreshing and SUBSTANTIALLY less mushy than most mayo-based mixes.

Now at Gambino’s, you have the choice between an East Coast or West Coast styled sub. East Coast provides your shredded LTO along with olive oil, vinegar, salt and pepper, and herbs. With West Coast, you get your LTO with mayo, mustard, and pickles. Given that the place was called NEW YORK subs, I opted for East Coast and was pleasantly surprised by how the combo of vinegar and olive oil highlight the flavors of the sandwich and soaked into the bread. It also came with provolone cheese. One subtle aspect that I would be remiss if I did not highlight, was the fact that the sandwich was evenly composed so that from start to finish you received a bit that gave you a bit of the bread, the condiments, and the tuna. It was clear I was dealing with an EXPERT SANDWICH ARTIST

AMBIANCE: 3.5

Giambino’s is in the SF Financial District, so there’s not much in terms of space and casual eating experiences that they can really offer, however, I believe their charm comes from recognizing that and keeping it simple and the prices reasonable. In SF, you can walk into some places who will charge you $15 for an “artisanal sandwich”. This is pretentious crap. Artistry comes in all forms, my friends, and simply because they are standard or classic, doesn’t mean you can overlook the details. And here’s what I liked:

A) My to-go bag had exactly what I needed - no more, no less. Now, they didn’t use compostable materials for their utensils, which I would have prefered, but I appreciate that they didn’t give you a small book’s worth of napkins with your order. There’s no need for that.

B) the condiment station - should you choose to adulterate your sandwich - was neatly organized and well stocked.

C) For a quality sandwich, I was in and out of there in no time. They know what they’re doing.

D) Kind and no fuss service. The people who work at Giambino’s are straight forward, but always kind and get you exactly what you need without a lot of fuss. It’s all about the sandwich.

BONUS: They are across the street from a POPOS (Privately Owned Public Open Space), which provides a quiet spot to enjoy your sandwich when the weather is nice.

Still, at the end of the day, Giambino’s is an average hole in the wall deli. I appreciate its simplicity, but would need to leave room for places that offer a nice eat-in experience.

ORIGINALITY: 5

You don’t need to make huge waves in order to impress me. The salad mix with artichokes, capers and olive oil base was delightful and I appreciate all the subtle extras from the to-go bag with no more and no less than what was needed and the option to go East or West Coast. This place meets the mark.

OVERALL:

I would be hard-pressed to find a better classic sandwich place that makes a good tuna sandwich - remember, not all delis can do this. Great mix without loading you down with mayo and cheese. Well done, Giambino’s, you’ve left a mark to beat. Thank you for such a wonderful tuna sandwich and I will be back to try it West Coast Style!

SCORE: 4.7

albacorehero-blog

Mr. Pickles: A.I.F

MR. PICKLES: 2

LOCATION: DUBLIN, CA

WWW.MRPICKLES.COM

First review! OKAY. I have been to this shop before… We are re-visiting shops to give a fresh review for the crew. A lot of these initial reviews are kind of like backlogging past experiences simply to get caught up. We MUST knock out some of these bigger, franchise players on our search. For you non bay area foodies, Mr. Pickles is a California small sandwich shop franchise, based primarily in the San Francisco bay area. I was extremely HOPEFUL of this shop, being a Bay Area champion, but I found it to be like a NEGLECTED Subway on its last leg.

Like most Mr. Pickles, this particular shop was located in an older, suffering, strip mall. The franchise get’s decent reviews, but we have to assume that much of this is based on the other meat based sandwiches (MBS) - as crew of the albacore, we do not CARE. We are seeking only one thing: TUNA.

It is important to note, we will ALWAYS order from the menu as-is. We want to experience THEIR suggested sandwich or recipe. So, as much as possible, we will not add in our personal likes for condiments, toppings, etc. In most cases, if given the option, we will always defer to the standard lettuce, tomato, onion (LTO). Otherwise, off-menu only.

Lets start the analysis!

BREAD: 4

This is an incredibly important part of the sandwich - and possibly the redeeming factor for Mr. Pickles! Many shops will give you an option, so to try and establish a base criteria to judge from - we will always defer to french (bread or roll), dutch crunch, or the standard white bread option. In this case, I went with dutch crunch.

The bread was the best part of this meal! Soft, fluffy, FIRM, and with a nice crunch on top. Offering dutch crunch alone, is a nice touch that some shops just do not offer - this bread tasted fresh, with a great texture and nice fluff. It did not taste generic like Subway breads often do. Not the best Dutch Crunch I have had, but I damn well respect you for providing what you did.

TUNA QUALITY: 2

The tuna itself should be solid or chunk white albacore, IMO. Sometimes, the tuna is “light tuna”, which is cheaper, and usually a mix of tuna, skipjack, big-eye, yellowfin, and bunch of other small-tuna variety. WHAT. There is a taste and texture difference - do not play games with me!

THIS WAS LIGHT TUNA!!!

“YOU ARE NOT HARD-CORE, UNLESS YOU ARE ALBA-CORE!”

MIX: 2

Okay, now we are getting into the depths of the deep! Nothing special here, but right away there was some major NO NO’s. First, way too much pepper - are you trying to mask something, Mr. Pickle? The tuna salad itself was laced with way too much pepper. Not to mention, the salad was RUNNY. C’mon folks, you know this scenario - when the tuna salad sits for way to long, and the mayo becomes watery, YUCK. No one likes a tuna salad that sits in a watery mayo base, AMIRIGHT! Now for the toppings (again, went standard LTO here). The shredded lettuce, onion, and tomato were clearly once frozen - it has that… DE-THAWED taste to it, much like Subway. However, the Cheese slice was nice and thick (cheddar), and the avocado was a nice touch.

BONUS: You get a FREE cookie with your sandwich - My daughter, will write upon this in her CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE blog (yep, you heard that right) soon enough. This is was a nice touch.

AMBIANCE: 1

Mr. Pickle. I REALLY wanted to love you. A Bay Area native, who dreamed of one day, not just becoming a pickle to be discarded - but pulling yourself up from your own pickle-boot straps to create a local sandwich chain… Love it. But, the sandwich was losing me, and the ambiance was not great. The shop operates like a TOGOS (another Cali sandwich chain) - where you have “stations” of sandwich makers to help people in line, yet you cannot see any ingredients, you are at the mercy of being called to the bench (so to speak)…there is a lot of sandwich making trust-talk that occurs as the artist nervously looks down and scrambles around with their hands (as the customer, you cannot see this! You just see someone with their head down, fiddling around with their hands. Then, you are sent to the cashier with no sandwich, nervously hoping they got everything right as you yelled your specifics over the high counter to someone who truly could not care. It kinda feels like pleading your case to a judge or something? I DUNNO! The result at both shops is always a bit disorganized and chaotic, especially when busy. Call me crazy, but I am just not a fan of this kind of ordering process - more on this later when we review TOGOS.

HERE WAS MY SANDWICH ARTIST:

The tables were aligned parallel, with only about a half-foot distance from the ordering line. Which means, you get to eat with the line of people hovering right above you - thats right. Ass in face style. Since you are seated - and the line is standing, it is just a fact of science - and not the best way to dine - GROSS.

It feels and looks like a Subway - but without the mega franchise bucks to make it comfortable. There is no real character to the place.

The cashier had to fulfill a catering order at NOON, that took up so much damn time, people in line were leaving - and pissed! Otherwise, everyone was nice enough, and the staff seemed genuine.

ORIGINALITY: 3

MR. PICKLE: You get some PROPS for the FREE COOKIE!

OVERALL:

Great bread choice. Free cookie - everything else was sub-par. Do not fret, Mr. Pickle - we WILL return and know that you will step up your tuna fish game by focusing on the tuna salad, the mix, and fixing the horrendous ambiance.

SCORE: 2.0

albacorehero-blog

Own The Albacore Game

Hello!

This is the FIRST post of what we anticipate to be a long and arduous, yet fun, journey into the underground world of the TUNA FISH SANDWICH GAME. My name is Brent Kekoa Ramos, and alongside me is co-captain Barbara M. Jwanouskos. Together, we have committed to finding the BEST tuna fish sandwich that the world has to offer - what we consider the “Phantom ‘Wichcraft”. The tuna fish sandwich space is something that all of the world participates within, yet no one has really owned it. Fear not, crew, we will own the albacore game and bring you to the light!

Why would someone take on such a serious, dangerous, and incredibly massive task? The answer is simple: at some point in a person’s life, one must look deep within the eye of the albacore, and ask themselves, “WHO AM I?” One afternoon, after receiving a blasphemous tuna fish sandwich, we immediately found our life calling, and knew that we had to give back to the world by finding the phantom ‘wich. You see, once we find this great, holy-grail of a sandwich (if it actually exists), and expose it to the world for all to enjoy, the days of mediocre and downright neglectful practices of most sandwich shops in the art of tuna fish, will have NO CHOICE but to raise their standards, and change their tuna game, so that no one will ever suffer from a shitty tuna fish sandwich EVER AGAIN!

We have established guidelines and a grading system for our journey, if you are part of the albacore crew, please review and get familiar with these:

CRITERIA:

Restaurants and Delis ONLY. No “home” or “DIY” sandwiches are eligible. Tuna salad (deli style/shredded) ONLY.

No Ahi, or tuna steak types of sandwiches allowed.

CATEGORES FOR JUDGEMENT:

Bread Choice

Tuna Quality

Mix (tuna salad and condiments)

Ambiance

Originality

POINT SYSTEM:

5 points eligible for each section. Total points will be averaged for a final score.

ANNUAL WINNERS:

The tuna game is forever changing, and we like to see new up-and-comers. So, we will have a “BEST OF” at the end of every year as a way to keep the spotlight on the top tier.

We will give special considerations to a “wild card” feature. When you have as much experience as us with tuna fish sandwiches, you see some CRAZY things. Some good, some bad, some ugly… For these occasional, adventurous culinary leaps we are bound to stumble upon, we may give a special lean to the grading. The same will be given to any special findings we come across with ambiance.

ABOUT US:

OKAY. I am sure you want to know a bit about your captains before you embark on this adventure. First off - We do NOT eat other types of meat. We subscribe to the “pescatarian” diet. We say this casually because it is actually the AI PONO diet, which is a deeper personal thang, and we just do not want to get into it right now with y’all. We only bring this up to point out that:

A) we have no interest, and will not review any other types of sandwich.

B) because of our limited sandwich choices due to diet, we have an EXTENSIVE experience purely in the tuna game.

C) the tuna sandwich is treat for us, so the appreciation level is HIGH.

Other than that, we currently live in the San Francisco Bay Area. We are martial artists, love cats, collect tiki mugs, like punk rock - and that’s about all the surface information this crew needs to know. The captains need to remain mysterious, glorified figures in order to keep any mutiny at bay.

Alright! Everyone ready?! HERE WE GO!

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ALBACORE: SEARCH FOR THE PHANTOM 'WICHCRAFT