A scene from the Lars von Trier film "Nymphomaniac II" echoes in my mind for the past hour. In it, the main character Joe recalls a coversation with a prostitute. The submissives, with whomst she worked with, are characterised by her words as extremely selfish individuals, whose needs are so great they usually are taxing to the dominant partner.
Right now our lives might be so upside down that engaging in such play might seem reckless and dangerous, but I believe that such relationship is right now of great importance to me.
You see, dear reader, the blog of my Master[1] does not reflect my own desire, at least not in one crucial aspect. The women in His posts are nothing of what I want to become in life. And still, the dynamic is something that I don't want to, but need to.
When I saw my Master some time ago, I mentioned the great need of self-development in my life. To admit shamefully, I was stuck in prolonged adolescence for too long. The disruption is here to change that, to make me into an adult woman, but You need to know, my beloved Master, that I'm so terrified of this Great Leap Forward. I need guidance and the subspace is my lighthouse.
You know I cannot fail, as my ambitions (especially those in regards to my work) are extreme and extravagant. I need to feel safe to let myself jump into the deep end. I need to let You into my head enough for You to scold me into the right direction. I don't need much, just enough for me to gain every single life goal I want.
Make me smart. Make me beautiful. Make me charming, connected. Make me respected and appreciated. Make me good and gentle, make me solid and reliable. Just wanting to become all those things makes me such an avaricious person.
And not only I'm greedy of my life, to push You, my Master, to beg for Your attention like that, that's the real gluttony. I want to embody my best self and for that I need You to order me to be better. Teach me. Let me be Your apprentice, my Master. Show me the ropes of life and do it in a way that will shape me into a better person for You.
[1] Did You noticed, how I always say "my" Master?
