Aloud I Pray for Calmer Seas || Self Para
I can’t see. I can’t breathe. I can’t feel my face. I can’t feel anything. No, that’s not true. I can feel the protests of my body, the screams trying to claw their way from my throat. I can feel every inch of me begging to take in a deep breath, but I can’t. The water’s too heavy, too much, all over, and it’s dragging me down
and not wanting to let me go. It’s almost comforting that something so wild, so crazy, so unpredictable, wants to keep me with it, and soon I let it, my body giving up because
Nothing but the desire to stop fighting, to let it take me and never let me go. I want it to. I want to be with it forever. It needs me; I need it. I let it take me.
I’m laying down. Despite the air all around me I still can’t
And part of me doesn’t want to.
"The Golden Gate Bridge," I tell Dr. Zania. "I’d jump off the Golden Gate Bridge."
"That’s a bold way to die," she comments, making a note on her pad. I bet she wrote Total psycho. ”Why there? That’s a bit far away.”
"I’ve always wanted to visit California," I reply. The answer seems too simple that it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable. "And we have no good bridges around here. None of the ones with water are high enough."
"You’ve given this a lot of thought."
"Okay," I reply. It’s automatic. Again, I’m silent. Finally: "I stopped taking the pills."
Her response is immediate. “You really shouldn’t do that.”
"If you need more, Hariet, never be afraid to ask. They’re supposed to be helping you. They only can if you let them."
"I wanted to not feel so empty all the time," I admit. "I can feel things. Nicky’s mad at me, I can feel that. I can feel like it’s good with Nash again. I like that feeling.”
Dr. Zania asks, “Do you trust Nash?”
"That’s not what I asked. Do you trust Nash?”
I don’t trust him I don’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t it’s too much he’ll hurt me I know he will if he can make up emotion before he can certain do it now and he will just wait Hariet just wait because it’ll happen one day maybe tomorrow maybe the next day but it’ll happen because that’s just what he does and—
I drive myself home with a promise to pick up my anit-depressants. I don’t.
The overpass isn’t too far from her office. Technically not a bridge. There’s no water beneath it, just hard, solid ground. It isn’t the Golden Gate Bridge by a long shot. It’ll have to do. That’s what my whole life is.
Come with me to the bridge.