August 3, 2021
I am laying here watching everyone’s lives go on, and I feel like I am frozen in time. I am saturated in a cloud of sadness. I miss my babies so much. I just want them here with me. I have never been so sad in my entire life. My heart feels like it shattered into a million pieces. I held each of my daughters in my womb for 5 months, and in my arms for only hours. It wasn’t enough. This is not how it is supposed to happen. They should be here with me, so I can help them grow and see who they become, learn their personalities, take them on adventures, watch them be loved by their father, brother, and family and friends. I should get to love them and hug them and kiss them. I counted each of their 10 fingers and 10 toes. I held each of their tiny little hands, and stared at their beautiful little faces. I couldn’t get over their teeny little fingernails or ears. Hazel has Jaxon’s crooked lips. They both had my face, and their dad’s long arms, legs, fingers and toes. Harper was 2 grams bigger- they were so identical. They held each other until their last moments. I am keeping them together, because they belong together. I want to scream though because they really belong with me. I am their mom, and I should be the one to take care of them. I know God has a plan and this was the plan, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t make the hole in my heart feel better or the emptiness that I will carry with me the rest of my life any better. I miss my babies and I wish they were here and home with me. The hardest moments are when I am left alone with my thoughts and feelings. I never thought I would be picking out urns, cremations rings or talking to mortuaries. Only a few more days and they could have had birth and death certificates. That makes me so mad. They counted. They were real. They were my babies. They were my little girls. My daughters. I can’t even share pictures of them because it’s not considered acceptable, which is also not okay. They’re not a secret, they’re not weird or strange. They’re beautiful and they’re mine. I go on because I have to. I am Jaxon’s mom and Harrison’s wife. But I am also Hazel Grey and Harper Sky’s mommy, and I am broken.