Efese.speaks

He/Him, Pan, Trans masc, tired ♧ 18 ♧ oops I growed ♧

[hatofwisdom]

Nancy.

Hail Mary, full of grace...

The most intimate experience of my life

Was when I was 11 years old

Saying the rosary with a girl I liked

Right before what we thought was an important test.

Blest are thou amongst women...

Fingering Beads

Wetting Lips

Mouth Dry

Hers from the proximity to God

Mine from the proximity to her

Close enough you could smell the power

And I could smell her cherry flavoured lip balm

I can no longer tell the difference

And blest is the fruit of thy womb...

Jesus

forgive me for my wandering mind

My roaming thoughts are

Brushing our hands together

Electric doesn't begin to describe

Holy Mary, mother of God...

And I'm praying

Fervently

For all the wrong things and

All the best reasons

Pray for me

A sinner

Now and at the hour of my death

Save me from myself

Amen.

[psychoticallytrans]

Hey. Large chest people that want it to be smaller and flatter. I have a tip for you.

I am a trans man. I have an h cup chest. That is not a typo, not a brag, and not an invitation to sexually harass me. This means I have about 4 pounds of breast. This means that binders do not work for me. There’s not enough structure in the compression to keep that much weight in place.

I wore a sports bra under my binder, for a time- it kept things in place, and the binder flattened. This isn’t really safe and I recommend against it. It also never actually got me looking masc- I tended to look like I had between a c or b cup. TransTape I discarded too- it’s just not sturdy enough.

Enter Enell. Specifically, the Enell Sport High Impact Bra.

I want you to look at the construction of that sports bra. It clasps in the front. This flattens the chest. And since it’s a sports bra designed for busty people, it LOCKS everything in place. When I wear my Enell sports bra, I do not bounce. It also gets me looking like I have an a cup at worst- and at best, when I layer, I actually look masc.

Admittedly, they’re not cheap. That one’s 66$. But I’ve tried even custom binders, and they don’t work as well as Enell. I was actually contemplating a custom built corset before I found Enell. Enell is also much, much safer than layering compression, since it is being used as intended (sort of). As a bonus, you can actually exercise in it- it’s a sports bra!

I will note that they use their own sizing system, so you will have to measure yourself.

Happy binding!

[psychoticallytrans]

I’d also like to note that you can ask for this even if you’re closeted and scared without raising a flag. Just say you want to take up running, or if you’re already sporty, that it’ll help with that. It’s technically not a lie- it’s a great sports bra.

[ruffboi-mags]

hell if you’re busty you don’t even need to be getting active, you can just say that you’re having back pain and want to try something new to keep them in place.

[todaysgenderispanda]

For the darlings that bind

[natequarter]

[ID: a photo of a person wearing an Enell sports bra, which flattens the chest. /end ID]

[hatofwisdom]

Cry for help

"Storms bare your soul"

Mine has been stripped back to reveal a dirty, bloody, blackened thing

Irredeemable

Unrecognisable

Unlovable

Unsaveable

I take my soul with my withered, shaking hands and I am

Strangling it

Slowly with my own terrible decisions.

There's not enough water, or healing salvation, living God or otherwise that can save me now.

And i sit in churches once a month and reach desperately for a lifeline i hold in my other hand and refuse to draw upon.

In my left I squeeze salvation,

In my right, undoing.

[hatofwisdom]

"What's harder, harder to say,

that you want me to stay, [or]

that you want me to stay unchanged for you,

chained to a lie,

we're the same,

you and I,

we're the same."

-Rainbow Kitten Surprise

[hatofwisdom]

Sike

Turns out

You can't be rejuvenated by

A thimbleful of bare bones affection every two months.

I continue to be stupid and alone,

The world continues to spin,

You continue to be unavailable

And uncomfortable with the idea of deliberate action.

I cannot

Continue to suffer in a relationship where I

Bare my soul to you

In exchange for a sweet nickname once in a while.

I am tired and now

Infinitely aware that I deserve better.

[hatofwisdom]

Rain

It's the weirdest thing. I'm back to not being able to wait to see you again.

I'm back to

Searching for you in dreams and

Mundane things I'm back

To looking for the silver in my lining.

It's comical how my love for you rebounds infinitely.

I realise now that I never truly hated you. I just didn't know what to do with it.

I loved you so much that I had nowhere to put it.

And now like a parched tongue I thrive in the vitality of attention.

I'm being rained on and it's refreshing.

[hatofwisdom]

The Mask

Shut the fuck up.

There is none, not a single aspect of my personality that I haven't

Carefully spoon fed you so that you can cope with the failure of your parenting.

A front,

A mask,

A precisely forged facade I

Have been Careful to keep the duct tape and gum away from your pride.

Do not.

Do not claim to know anything more than what I have shown you.

The child you raised is dead.

[hatofwisdom]

Help

Oh God I'm scared.

I could never have planned or anticipated this, it looks

Like not much has changed.

Sure when you do speak you're more affectionate but again

If

That was always the issue

I don't want to date you as an afterthought

As a fall back or an option

I want to shake the foundations of your psyche with the thought of me not just the idea of what I can do for you

I'm scared you will get bored of me very quickly

I like you too much for that not to devastate me.

Oh God please

I can't do the forgetting process again.

[al-the-great]

Picrew train!!

Do this picrew : and tag people!!

tunasalad character maker

!! personal / non-commercial use only !! ✅ profile pictures, icons, social media ❌ branding / business, advertising, promotion !! do not

(not my picrew credit to artist!!)

@megaroniandcheez @fish-nailed-to-a-cross @justobsessedwithvic @cheesesandwjch @milltheinfinity @illiteratesblog @le-dormeur-du-val @that-one-xachster @hermy-97 @ladyloss-blog and anyone else who wants to join!

[illiteratesblog]

Nice.

@prettypinkbubbless @sapphosdickandballs

[sapphosdickandballs]

Hell yea

@pulim-v @foxonrollerskates

[pulim-v]

Thanks for the tag @sapphosdickandballs and @prettypinkbubbless ^w^

Tagging: @fangirling-heart @oh-cramity-its-amity @m4tthxw and anyone else who wants to join!

[fangirling-heart]

First picrew of the year! Thanks for the tag! :)

Tagging (no pressure as always): @nostalgic-bee, @witch128chick, @flora-of-the-moon, @findmeinthefallair,

@helphowdoiusethis, @whatam1doinginthiswasteland, @charaunderwood, @mittenskittensslay,

@justarandomart, @blandandtasteless and whoever might want to join! :)

[findmeinthefallair]

Thanks for tagging me!

No-pressure tags: @childlikegoblinqueen @coffee-n-sleep @violet-prism-creatively and anybody who's interested

[coffee-n-sleep]

THANK YE FOR THE TAG!!!!

No pressure tags: @willowsz-plantsz @existencebringsonlypain @bloodied-dagger @rainbowangel110 @kyndyr-gardyn @temporary-temporal-temper @ranaeley @a-concert-just-for-me @for-those-who-wait @lucent-roase @justarandomart @zibiscusloon AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO JOIN!!!

[acetypeface-deactivated20260704]

Wasn’t tagged but this is cute!!

Tagging @lunar-jewels @severalmoremutants @somecrazypants @thevillagequeer @bubblesmuff and anyone else who would like to join!

[biteorflight]

Cute!!!!

@brakeneckspeeds @thequiver @rep-meow-tay-tion @kermit-coded

[thequiver]

@gawain-the-tax-evader @thrakaboom

[gawain-the-tax-evader]

@empressofthelibrary @lilyntlrs

[lilyntlrs]

@insertpoetryhere @bambamnesiac @firapolemos05 and whoever else wants to join

[firapolemos05]

@basuralindo , @ostensiblyfunctional , @pinkhairandpronouns , @giggly-squiggily Have fun!

[giggly-squiggily]

Ooo, thank you for the tag!

I tag YOU! (No pressure):

@gladdygirl18 @duckymcdoorknob @cupcake-spice13 @adorkablenerd @helloitsghost @lovelymessybubbly @whomever reads this and wants to play! 💖

[hatofwisdom]

Oooh fun fun!!

@frogglettes this looks cool no?

And anyone else that wants to play.

[hatofwisdom]

Nobody told me about the little worm that appears when I press and hold the cyan pencil icon in the bottom right corner NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE RAINBOW BUBBLE TRAIN

[hatofwisdom]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Here's to being more relevant this year. More consistent and more loveable.

Here's to being more focused and more humble.

Here's to living life in all it's abundance.

[hatofwisdom]

Phantom pain is curable, grief endures.

Ten months to the day and I

Cannot breathe

Oh God why can't

I breathe

In the scent of her safety and

Everything is fine

Everything should be fine but yet

I can't breathe

In the turmoil of her absence,

I wrote about phantom pain and how your body yearns for the presence of something even when it's there and painful because

At least

It was there and I

Can't breathe because

Phantom pain has remedies, mirrors, replacements, prosthetics and fakes but

Nothing

Can replace the feeling of being loved so

Wholly and completely

Void of expectations and invoices of kindness and have that salve

Dissolve

Turn to vapour and dissappear as though it never existed.

You almost wish it'd never existed.

Almost.

And yet...

[hatofwisdom]

Awkwardness

I'm awkward.

I never know what to do with my hands so I

Raise them

In attack,

Swift injury inflicted hides the pain of my own wounds

I choose

To focus on violent passion and amplified bravery

I choose

To focus on the savoury sweetness of blood on my lips

I choose

To fight a battle with myself instead of coming to terms with her

I'm awkward.

I never know what to do with my hands so I

Raise them

In defense,

Left and right hooks bubble up to my lips and I

choke them back down to live with the doubts

I choose

To hide in my own skin

I choose

To appear inconspicuous, blend amongst my kin

I choose

To leave my opinions tucked into a dirty pillowcase under my bed

Waiting for the day I leave

My shell, my home, my prison.

I'm awkward.

I never know what to do with my hands so I

Raise them

In prayer,

Yet this body stands a monument to all my sins

I choose

To kneel in supplication, take this body

broken

for you

I choose

To weep out a confession, an Oscar-worthy performance

I choose

To use my faith as an excuse for my self hatred

Hell is calling, it sounds like me.

I'm awkward.

I never know what to do with my hands

And sometimes

I wish someone would cut them off.

[hatofwisdom]

I MADE A ZINE.

The links are on my poetry insta, @efese.writes please read it, follow me, give me feedback, hate, anything at all I beg you

[hatofwisdom]

A Letter to My Dad that he'll never read(2)

I really hope you're right.

So one day you can look at my maimed,

Cold,

Dead and beaten,

Battered and bruised corpse and say

"I told you!!

I told you that no one would ever love you

And you shouldn't love or trust anyone,

Including yourself!!"

And finally get the power rush you so desperately need.

You didn't want kids,

You wanted people who would be forced to profess their "love" for you constantly.

What a shock

It will be to you when I choose to turn my back

On the very idea of your existence and walk this earth fatherless.

At least,

If I had no father,

Then I am this way by my own doing,

Not because some power-hungry, narcissistic asshole thought

he needed new worshippers.

[hatofwisdom]

Kid of the Cast

I am a strong, black, (insert gender here)

The best thing about being the

queer-coded melinated mess of this episode

Is

Everything

I'm the feminist,

anti-racist,

Robin Hood-esque morally grey one.

My dad was a

coca-hero-mphetamine addict,

obviously

And my mum was either a stripper,

Or worked two jobs,

obviously

And I joined my first gang when I was five and tried weed at seven,

obviously

And I am 15.

But I have multiple tattoos and say next to nothing this entire season.

Cuz my voice isn't as important as my background,

is it?

Cuz if the one black kid doesn't suffer then what's their use,

innit?

Cuz obviously my dad did speed and my mom was a....

Um...

Postwoman! Yes that's it right?

Sorry, I forget,

I'm not sure which sob story I'm telling today.

The day my best friend died in a

drug bust/gang fight/walked up to the door and said hello combo

Was the last day I prayed

Yes

My faith is so fragile that the shortcomings of a flawed system will break it

My beliefs

so brittle that it only takes a smidge of brutality to burn my bravery to the ground.

I refer to the police exclusively as the blue murderers from then on.

Season two comes to an end.

I've made

two

long monologues about something grandiose like

The importance of weed

In detail.

Cuz black opinions matter but only on "black issues".

And since my mother is... uh... dead!

And my dad is in prison, cuz you know

Obviously he was a gangbanger,

And my 17 siblings, that you'll never hear about again after today, all hate him!

Cuz I'm mysteeeeerioussss...

Oh hang on one second...yes...

Sorry, that was the directors, I messed up one of my lines

it's because I'm a plot device! An aid, a supplement,

I have no real need to exist except to make the cast look accepting enough to not get "cancelled".

I don't make it to the end of season 3.

I'm killed by the same gang that got my dad. Nobody can think of anything comforting to say to my last surviving family, my grandmother,

except that I was funny.

That is what I am reduced to.

A comedic device.

Return the monkeys to the zoo.

Either we're being laughed at or being killed in the name of science,

the science of the human spirit,

the question of equality not a

Should we? But a

Will we?

I am diminished to a betterment of the other characters.

Suddenly they also care about "black issues"

because only with a death will the subject of micro-turned-macro-agression be important.

The world overflows with black bodies murdered by ignorance.

[hatofwisdom]

And this

[hatofwisdom]

Please stop saying slurs I beg you.

Schrodinger's douchebag.

A phenomenon that occurs when a

Racist or

Sexist,

Homophobic or

Misogynistic,

Generally derogatory joke is made,

And then recanted

Only if the present audience

Produces a negative reaction to said joke.

People like this

Hide

In the pseudo comfort of a way out of

Being called out for their

Bigotry.

They are truly God's worst creatures,

an insult

to any divine beings unlucky enough to be paying attention,

a slap in the face of anyone

who has to filter through their sentences,

Desperate

for any respite from their stupidity,

A sigh of bitter defeat,

when they are still met with desolate idiocy.

Not a modicum, drop, iota of sense in their words. None.

If I was given the opportunity

To be a god

for one day

There would be cats without death-boxes,

And heads within bags.