i don't know if the person i'm writing about is out there. i don't know if they'll read this post, and even if they doβ i don't know if it'll be with the same eyes i used to love. but for some reason, the urge to reach out has been nagging at my gut. i never will, of course. i told him never to contact me again, and i meant that. i don't think there's a world where i can face him without crying.
god, it feels so pathetic to talk this way about an ex from years ago. it sounds like i'm clinging on, like i'm begging for him to come back. i'm happier now than ever, though. comfortable and happy in a relationship with a man that values me. i love my boyfriend with all of my heart.
but fuck man, i can't erase this ache in my chest when i think about that person. i still listen to our songs. think about how we met and different projects we shared. i hate myself for missing that childish comfort. i hate myself for longing for that simpler time.
and i bet if he read this, he'd laugh. send it mockingly to whatever mutual he's made this month and put a quote about it in his discord status. turn it into a copypasta, call me pathetic, a loser, a "spoiled, selfish, rotten little bitch."
and i'd still miss him. that's the worst part. i'd still drop everything to reply if he texted me. suffer through panic to focus on every word. if he suddenly lost his mind and needed a shoulder to cry on, and for some reason, reached out to me? i'd do everything i could to help.
maybe it's because i felt needed? i got so caught up in being needed by someone that i didn't realize it was draining me. didn't realize it was pushing me over the edge, even when i woke up after an attempt and he scolded me for scaring him.
i miss him. there's no way around it... i miss him. and it's not that i miss what we had. i don't hope to befriend him again or even be cordial. but i guess something about me sees myself in his struggles. he's sickβ mentally ill and lashing out. and while he was certainly old enough to understand what he was doing, i simply can't resent him for it. because he just needs help. and i hope someday he gets it. i wish i could've given it.
i tried my best. i tried so hard to be everything i could for him. even when it hurt me, when it drained my bank account, when it cost me so much sleep.
i just want to know he's okay. really, genuinely, and truly. i need to know he's still out there, still alive. safe and healthy. and i don't know if he is. i worry about him all the time.
if you're out there. if you're reading this. i never meant to hurt you. i know that i did. but it was never all or nothing. you never acknowledged that you hurt me, too. i will always wish the best for you. i hope you've grown into your own some more.
i'm slowly relearning to love with a sweet brazilian man you might be familiar with. i suppose i have you to thank for introducing me to him. guess we should've figured he wasn't straight, huh?
i promise i won't call. i promise i'll answer.
baratheonpilled
gummygunk
