DID system. Bodily late 20s. Blanket TW for trauma, CSA, and ITBC abuse. (See pinned for explanation of ITBC) Stop DMing us about the system support server, it’s closed for new members. Follows from bone-marreaux
"We are many, you are but one!" -Ermac, Mortal Kombat
If you ever want to DM us to talk or ask questions, feel free to! Bodily adult, however, so keep that in mind. We go back and forth between part-speak and indiviualizing alters. Please respect this. Doing both has been good for our healing journey as a collective.
The Basics:
-Late 20s
-They/them or he/him pronouns collectively
-Very often go by "Many" in online spaces, it's a shortening of our system name, Many but One. If you see mutuals call us that, that's why😂
-Highly Complex DID. Polyfrag, alter number unknown. I don’t even care at this point. Diagnosed as DID, though our therapist has noted how complex our system presents.
-dx’d by a DID specialist with over 20 years in the field.
-formerly programmed system, now fully deprogrammed. Questions about the deprogramming process are always allowed, but any advice taken is not my responsibility. You know yourself best, don’t take my advice if it doesn’t fit your experiences or could possibly cause you harm
-blanket TW for RA/OA and Intentional Torture Based Conditioning (ITBC) related abuse, though we always tag our content with “[trigger] tw” if there is triggering content involved. If we miss a tag, feel free to respectfully point it out and we will fix the mistake.
-Syscourse unaligned. I support endos existing, but I do think endos and traumagenic systems have very different experiences and should have their own spaces. Not that we can’t also co-exist, but the fact we’ve been fighting over a proverbial “No Man’s Land” for well over a decade now and have gotten nowhere with it, I feel like it would be better if we all stopped fighting and just tried to exist apart in peace. Regardless, I try to stay the fuck out of syscourse because that is such a minefield these days. I'll just stick with my educational posts, silly memes, and vent art lol.
-some popular tags of ours include: #manybutone, #advice, #positivity, and #answered asks
-we block people without warning and likely won’t give a reason. We have a right to curate our online experience, and blocking is a “no-contact” boundary we are allowed to set at anytime.
-asks and DMs open anytime, but we aren’t looking to be anyone’s close friend. Nothing personal, we just have trust issues and aren’t good at making friends, especially online.
-if you wanna be moots and we haven’t followed you back you are free to DM or send an ask to mutual you. We will not be weirded out or offended by that! We love having mutuals. Just know if we aren’t into your blog we won’t follow you back, so don’t expect us to do so just because you ask.
I have two things on my DNI:
-Tumblr anons who want me to dx them. Here’s why. I am fine with DMs, but if you send an anon asking these things I will delete, period. This includes “does this count as ramcoa?” questions. You can ask about your experiences, but I will not dx said experiences. I’m not your therapist and I don’t know you.
-People trying to tell me sharing about Intentional Torture Based Conditioning (ITBC) or my traumas is bad or has “made” them take unsafe action in therapy and healing. My content is not a diagnostic tool and you are responsible for what you take in and what you do with that information. All of my content is properly trigger warned so you can avoid things that are not helpful to you or could be actively harmful to you. I, an internet stranger, am not responsible for the actions you take with my content in mind. I take very special precautions to make sure my content (aside from my poetry or trauma-talk, which is always TW’d extensively) is as safe as possible for systems trying to deprogram. If you notice that my content isn’t good for you or your healing journey, just block me. It’s really that simple. Don’t try to tell me how I should heal or how I should run my platform.
Some posts I've made that I think are good for newcomers to take a look at first.
Some basic info about our diagnosis journey and about DID: link
What fusion feels like from the perspective of two former hosts who fused: link
An informational post about the truth behind the origins of the False Memory Foundation and how False Memory Syndrome has been thoroughly debunked: link
My journey of learning about parts (from the beginning of this blog to July 2024): link (BTW this shit is heavy and really shows the ugly sides of DID. It shows the steady decline in thinking you "only" have 15 parts to realizing you were part of OEA/ITBC related abuse and have thousands of alters.)
A Q&A we did about what it's like to deprogram and what it's like to live as a deprogrammed system: link
Not a post that we made, but a post by someone else, explaining the new community term to replace “mind control” programming, Intentional Trauma Based Psychological Conditioning (ITBPC). I personally use an amended version, ITBC (Intentional Torture Based Conditioning)
Not mine, but a post by SAS that debunks the RAMCOA is Antisemitic Controversy.
SAS did another deeper dive on the same topic. Great read!
Information about some parts below the cut:
They enjoy drawing, knitting, playing videogames, reading, writing, practicing witchcraft, and spending time with their partners.
🌹Ember🔮 - they/them
Ember is the main fronter within our host subsystem, the Amaranthine subsystem. This is a recent development in our host team, who was formerly "just" Anya, then Percy & Magdaleyna, and now there are several host alters within this subsystem. Others include Leyna, Rook, Kaia, Delia, and Void.
They are part of the larger "Wilted Roses" side system.
Leyna is a host part that used to be an EP for Percy, but in the splitting and reshuffling of their subsystem (Amaranthine) those EP emotions and experiences were offloaded into other alters to help Leyna's functioning. Her and Ember are the main fronters of Amaranthine and are the most functional of all of them.
🌹Magdaleyna/Leyna🌷 - she/her
Leyna loves Animal Crossing: New Horizons, the color pink, knitting, and coquette aesthetics. She's a sweetheart and if you ever hurt her feelings you will answer for it, lol.
Aridam is our primary gatekeeper of our entire system. He is a bit distant from most except those he cares about very much. He has a sharp sense of humor, but typically remains very serious. He doesn’t mess around and very often says exactly what he feels about people or situations. His number one goal is our system’s safety and happiness and has been for his entire existence.
❄️Aridam/Ari🩸 - he/him
He was previously known by several different names and has experienced several fusions, both major and minor. The most major fusion was between James and Death, in which he became Aridam. Aridam means “destroyer of foes” and “one who has won over all his enemies” and it was chosen very specifically for this reason. Old posts of his have been tagged as both James and Aridam.
He usually appears as a very tall man wearing a suit, with black hair and piercing bright blue eyes. Sometimes he appears more wolf-like, and being our in-system "God" he can also appear as a gigantic Eldritch Godlike creature.
Aridam enjoys painting, reading, and writing in what little free time he has. He also enjoys spending time with his partner. Has a penchant for writing sappy love poetry as well as poetry that others have described as "utterly gut wrenching." Our #poetry tag is mostly his and a couple others' poetry.
He enjoys playing videogames, going on long drives, and listening to music. Also loves watching baseball and smoking weed. He doesn't make friends easily but when he does come around, he is ride or die.
🐅Deimos🌈 - he/him
Deimos is a fronting gatekeeper and co-host in our system. He is pretty private, and doesn’t trust most people. He is one of our oldest parts we’re aware of who is still an active system member.
Internally he looks like a short trans man in his 20s with orange hair and tiger stripe tattoos. He can also appear as a golden tiger with white stripes. Wears a lot of alt clothing and is very punk. Gay af.
Vardan enjoys religious studies, sociology, and puzzle games. He likes spending time with friends and is learning new hobbies and skills slowly but surely. He is one of the few Christian alters in our system and has found a way to practice his religion safely without causing harm to himself or other parts. We couldn’t be more proud of him.
🦌Vardan⚓️ - he/him
Vardan is a primary gatekeeper in our system, in charge of a side system of former High Priests. He was formerly called High Priest One and was once extremely persecutory. He has been the most outspoken about his growth and healing in our system and it has paid off. He has inspired so many other parts like him to work hard to heal and be better for their systems. His name means "in power" to signify him taking his power back from our abusers.
He appears as a tall, thin man who is a bit older than the body. He has dark red hair with a white streak and tiny black demon horns. He's extremely connected to deer imagery and thusly will often wear an antler headpiece.
He currently works as a gatekeeper and internal counselor for parts, and it works well for him. Had a fusion with his opposite counterpart, NYX, that really solidified his healing journey.
🐺Fenrir/Fen🔥 - he/him/dae/daem
Fenrir is a protector part in our system, who was previously a persecutor. He appears as a very large black wolf with piercing blue eyes. Fenrir originally went by the name G’mork, as he was an introject of him.
Fenrir is a goofy dude, and often doesn’t take things too seriously. He’s extremely good at handling stress and is extremely protective of our system and those he loves outside of the system. He loves spending time with his partners and being active when he can. He has the mental maturity of about a 16-18 year old and it shows.
🐉Jade🏰 - she/her
Jade is a primary gatekeeper in our system.
She is characterized as an extremely confident, hyper-independent woman who can come off a little scary. She has a Russian accent and a deeper voice than most of our ladies in here. She is a high femme lesbian who is very devoted to her butch lesbian partner.
Jade doesn’t often “”waste her time”” exploring hobbies, not that she has much time to do so anyway. She enjoys watching movies with her girlfriend, particularly zombie horror films. She loves blasphemous metal music, particularly Marilyn Manson.
Internally she appears as a dark-skinned demon with long curly hair and bright green eyes. Often wears green colored clothing. A semi-introject of Jade from Mortal Kombat. (She existed long before we knew of that game, but when we started playing it she took her name and partially her likeness). She has her own side system and several alters within that side system front regularly, but rarely sign off.
🎖Rainier🎙 - he/him
[This pic is not really all that accurate, as he fused with Dire and has a lot of bird/raven like themes in his appearance, as well as longer hair. But this is an approximation that works well enough]
Rainier is a secondary gatekeeper in our Battalion side system that sometimes does co-hosting stuff, especially when things NEED to be done. He is highly driven, serious, and can come off as a bit of a buzz kill when he is in "work mode." He also has a fun and sweet side, and loves reconnecting with our German heritage in a healthy way. His favorite food is späztle and he hopes to eventually learn the German language. Took his name from Mount Rainier, and it's his dream to visit there in person someday.
He is the most vocally and loudly anti-fascist out of all of us, which is saying something because basically all of us are loudly anti-fash, but he takes it to a different level. He does the most "political protecting" in our system and does a lot of irl activism stuff that he hopes will prompt real change someday.
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Red Cloud Divider Credit by @rpinkling (highly recommend looking into them, their dividers are very cool!)
You have to let people love you. You have to let people get to know you. You have to let people help you. Being so completely selfless that you try to erase yourself off the face of the planet and never ask for anything and reject everybody's offers of support makes you very hard to love! Unfortunately. Emptying yourself out of everything that makes you, you is not actually what your loved ones want from you, generally. They want to make you happy! They will be so so sad if you don't give them the chance. It's not all selfish. I promise.
Something that I think is important to remember that not a lot of people consider when working with extremely depressed/suicidal parts is that when they’re around, it feels like the depression will go on forever. Nothing will ever be okay again, life will always be miserable, etc. Then when that part is away from front, it can be frustrating to realize that no, it doesn’t last forever because look, it’s over. Before I understood my parts and started working with them closely, I would almost get pissed off when these feelings would arise. “It won’t last forever, it never fucking does, why are you always so dramatic about this shit?”
Then I realized after several years of therapy that for these parts—most of which have existed far longer than I have—this depression HAS been forever. It has been a part of their existence for years, decades. It has never stopped, so why should they ever believe it will? Of course decades of severe depression is going to feel like it has lasted forever, especially if those parts exist solely to hold those emotions away from others. They may believe it is all they are for, and thusly, have the belief it will never get better because the depression is all they are.
Since realizing this after countless poorly handled situations with parts like this, I have become much softer in my approach. When they say “this sadness will last forever” I acknowledge it. “Yes, it has been a long time to be sad, my friend. Can I show you something that always cheers me up? What can I do for you to make this sadness less burdensome for even a moment? How about we watch this show or do this craft? Or maybe I can cook or bake something you have always wanted to try? If we have the funds, are you open to trying a food outside of the house? Can we sit outside in the sun? I know none of this will fix your sadness, but it sometimes helps for a little bit. And if I can help lessen your pain while you are in front with me for even a moment, I will do it.” Barring negative coping skills, of course. No more self injurious behavior, we don’t do that anymore.
Sometimes their sadness blends with me so much that it feels like it’s my own sadness and it can be hard to dig myself out of that when I’m not realizing it’s someone else. I usually have to really work on unblending skills in order to realize that this sadness isn’t mine—but that doesn’t mean it’s not my responsibility to try to help if I can. As a host, I’ve made it a major duty to not only take care of daily life but to also show parts that life isn’t always pain and suffering, and sometimes all it takes is sitting on the patio and watching the birds for a bit.
Hope this insight helps. It took me a while to learn it and recognize that emotions that feel “never ending” to parts truly are never-ending for them because that is often all they know. And it’s my job to help show them that it doesn’t have to be all they know forever.
-Anya (she/her)
(Formerly Delphine, another name change in the books!)
strong reminder that everything doesn't "happen for a reason". a lot of the time things happen, and it's not a test or a punishment or predetermined. sometimes you get cancer or lose the ability to eat or can't walk and it doesn't have any greater meaning. i know as a species we love pattern recognition to try and avoid bad things from happening but that doesn't mean whatever explanation people make up to rationalise the fact that anyone can be disabled no matter their status or moral character any more truthful
not every mutual fits neatly into an archetypal medievalism but there are some mutuals that im like yeah addressing you as “my liege” would come strangely naturally
not every mutual fits neatly into an archetypal medievalism but there are some mutuals that im like yeah addressing you as “my liege” would come strangely naturally
pros of having a favorite character youve liked for over a decade: character brings you joy and excitement
cons of having a favorite character youve liked for over a decade: they have become a permanent part of your internal monologue and you cant get them to go away
