DID system. Bodily late 20s. Blanket TW for trauma, CSA, and ITBC abuse. (See pinned for explanation of ITBC) Stop DMing us about the system support server, it’s closed for new members. Follows from bone-marreaux
"We are many, you are but one!" -Ermac, Mortal Kombat
If you ever want to DM us to talk or ask questions, feel free to! Bodily adult, however, so keep that in mind. We go back and forth between part-speak and indiviualizing alters. Please respect this. Doing both has been good for our healing journey as a collective.
The Basics:
-Late 20s
-They/them or he/him pronouns collectively
-Very often go by "Many" in online spaces, it's a shortening of our system name, Many but One. If you see mutuals call us that, that's why😂
-Highly Complex DID. Polyfrag, alter number unknown. I don’t even care at this point. Diagnosed as DID, though our therapist has noted how complex our system presents.
-dx’d by a DID specialist with over 20 years in the field.
-formerly programmed system, now fully deprogrammed. Questions about the deprogramming process are always allowed, but any advice taken is not my responsibility. You know yourself best, don’t take my advice if it doesn’t fit your experiences or could possibly cause you harm
-blanket TW for RA/OA and Intentional Torture Based Conditioning (ITBC) related abuse, though we always tag our content with “[trigger] tw” if there is triggering content involved. If we miss a tag, feel free to respectfully point it out and we will fix the mistake.
-Syscourse unaligned. I support endos existing, but I do think endos and traumagenic systems have very different experiences and should have their own spaces. Not that we can’t also co-exist, but the fact we’ve been fighting over a proverbial “No Man’s Land” for well over a decade now and have gotten nowhere with it, I feel like it would be better if we all stopped fighting and just tried to exist apart in peace. Regardless, I try to stay the fuck out of syscourse because that is such a minefield these days. I'll just stick with my educational posts, silly memes, and vent art lol.
-some popular tags of ours include: #manybutone, #advice, #positivity, and #answered asks
-we block people without warning and likely won’t give a reason. We have a right to curate our online experience, and blocking is a “no-contact” boundary we are allowed to set at anytime.
-asks and DMs open anytime, but we aren’t looking to be anyone’s close friend. Nothing personal, we just have trust issues and aren’t good at making friends, especially online.
-if you wanna be moots and we haven’t followed you back you are free to DM or send an ask to mutual you. We will not be weirded out or offended by that! We love having mutuals. Just know if we aren’t into your blog we won’t follow you back, so don’t expect us to do so just because you ask.
I have two things on my DNI:
-Tumblr anons who want me to dx them. Here’s why. I am fine with DMs, but if you send an anon asking these things I will delete, period. This includes “does this count as ramcoa?” questions. You can ask about your experiences, but I will not dx said experiences. I’m not your therapist and I don’t know you.
-People trying to tell me sharing about Intentional Torture Based Conditioning (ITBC) or my traumas is bad or has “made” them take unsafe action in therapy and healing. My content is not a diagnostic tool and you are responsible for what you take in and what you do with that information. All of my content is properly trigger warned so you can avoid things that are not helpful to you or could be actively harmful to you. I, an internet stranger, am not responsible for the actions you take with my content in mind. I take very special precautions to make sure my content (aside from my poetry or trauma-talk, which is always TW’d extensively) is as safe as possible for systems trying to deprogram. If you notice that my content isn’t good for you or your healing journey, just block me. It’s really that simple. Don’t try to tell me how I should heal or how I should run my platform.
Some posts I've made that I think are good for newcomers to take a look at first.
Some basic info about our diagnosis journey and about DID: link
What fusion feels like from the perspective of two former hosts who fused: link
An informational post about the truth behind the origins of the False Memory Foundation and how False Memory Syndrome has been thoroughly debunked: link
My journey of learning about parts (from the beginning of this blog to July 2024): link (BTW this shit is heavy and really shows the ugly sides of DID. It shows the steady decline in thinking you "only" have 15 parts to realizing you were part of OEA/ITBC related abuse and have thousands of alters.)
A Q&A we did about what it's like to deprogram and what it's like to live as a deprogrammed system: link
Not a post that we made, but a post by someone else, explaining the new community term to replace “mind control” programming, Intentional Trauma Based Psychological Conditioning (ITBPC). I personally use an amended version, ITBC (Intentional Torture Based Conditioning)
Not mine, but a post by SAS that debunks the RAMCOA is Antisemitic Controversy.
SAS did another deeper dive on the same topic. Great read!
Information about some parts below the cut:
They enjoy drawing, knitting, playing videogames, reading, writing, practicing witchcraft, and spending time with their partners.
🌹Ember🔮 - they/them
Ember is the main fronter within our host subsystem, the Amaranthine subsystem. This is a recent development in our host team, who was formerly "just" Anya, then Percy & Magdaleyna, and now there are several host alters within this subsystem. Others include Leyna, Rook, Kaia, Delia, and Void.
They are part of the larger "Wilted Roses" side system.
Leyna is a host part that used to be an EP for Percy, but in the splitting and reshuffling of their subsystem (Amaranthine) those EP emotions and experiences were offloaded into other alters to help Leyna's functioning. Her and Ember are the main fronters of Amaranthine and are the most functional of all of them.
🌹Magdaleyna/Leyna🌷 - she/her
Leyna loves Animal Crossing: New Horizons, the color pink, knitting, and coquette aesthetics. She's a sweetheart and if you ever hurt her feelings you will answer for it, lol.
Aridam is our primary gatekeeper of our entire system. He is a bit distant from most except those he cares about very much. He has a sharp sense of humor, but typically remains very serious. He doesn’t mess around and very often says exactly what he feels about people or situations. His number one goal is our system’s safety and happiness and has been for his entire existence.
❄️Aridam/Ari🩸 - he/him
He was previously known by several different names and has experienced several fusions, both major and minor. The most major fusion was between James and Death, in which he became Aridam. Aridam means “destroyer of foes” and “one who has won over all his enemies” and it was chosen very specifically for this reason. Old posts of his have been tagged as both James and Aridam.
He usually appears as a very tall man wearing a suit, with black hair and piercing bright blue eyes. Sometimes he appears more wolf-like, and being our in-system "God" he can also appear as a gigantic Eldritch Godlike creature.
Aridam enjoys painting, reading, and writing in what little free time he has. He also enjoys spending time with his partner. Has a penchant for writing sappy love poetry as well as poetry that others have described as "utterly gut wrenching." Our #poetry tag is mostly his and a couple others' poetry.
He enjoys playing videogames, going on long drives, and listening to music. Also loves watching baseball and smoking weed. He doesn't make friends easily but when he does come around, he is ride or die.
🐅Deimos🌈 - he/him
Deimos is a fronting gatekeeper and co-host in our system. He is pretty private, and doesn’t trust most people. He is one of our oldest parts we’re aware of who is still an active system member.
Internally he looks like a short trans man in his 20s with orange hair and tiger stripe tattoos. He can also appear as a golden tiger with white stripes. Wears a lot of alt clothing and is very punk. Gay af.
Vardan enjoys religious studies, sociology, and puzzle games. He likes spending time with friends and is learning new hobbies and skills slowly but surely. He is one of the few Christian alters in our system and has found a way to practice his religion safely without causing harm to himself or other parts. We couldn’t be more proud of him.
🦌Vardan⚓️ - he/him
Vardan is a primary gatekeeper in our system, in charge of a side system of former High Priests. He was formerly called High Priest One and was once extremely persecutory. He has been the most outspoken about his growth and healing in our system and it has paid off. He has inspired so many other parts like him to work hard to heal and be better for their systems. His name means "in power" to signify him taking his power back from our abusers.
He appears as a tall, thin man who is a bit older than the body. He has dark red hair with a white streak and tiny black demon horns. He's extremely connected to deer imagery and thusly will often wear an antler headpiece.
He currently works as a gatekeeper and internal counselor for parts, and it works well for him. Had a fusion with his opposite counterpart, NYX, that really solidified his healing journey.
🐺Fenrir/Fen🔥 - he/him/dae/daem
Fenrir is a protector part in our system, who was previously a persecutor. He appears as a very large black wolf with piercing blue eyes. Fenrir originally went by the name G’mork, as he was an introject of him.
Fenrir is a goofy dude, and often doesn’t take things too seriously. He’s extremely good at handling stress and is extremely protective of our system and those he loves outside of the system. He loves spending time with his partners and being active when he can. He has the mental maturity of about a 16-18 year old and it shows.
🐉Jade🏰 - she/her
Jade is a primary gatekeeper in our system.
She is characterized as an extremely confident, hyper-independent woman who can come off a little scary. She has a Russian accent and a deeper voice than most of our ladies in here. She is a high femme lesbian who is very devoted to her butch lesbian partner.
Jade doesn’t often “”waste her time”” exploring hobbies, not that she has much time to do so anyway. She enjoys watching movies with her girlfriend, particularly zombie horror films. She loves blasphemous metal music, particularly Marilyn Manson.
Internally she appears as a dark-skinned demon with long curly hair and bright green eyes. Often wears green colored clothing. A semi-introject of Jade from Mortal Kombat. (She existed long before we knew of that game, but when we started playing it she took her name and partially her likeness). She has her own side system and several alters within that side system front regularly, but rarely sign off.
🎖Rainier🎙 - he/him
[This pic is not really all that accurate, as he fused with Dire and has a lot of bird/raven like themes in his appearance, as well as longer hair. But this is an approximation that works well enough]
Rainier is a secondary gatekeeper in our Battalion side system that sometimes does co-hosting stuff, especially when things NEED to be done. He is highly driven, serious, and can come off as a bit of a buzz kill when he is in "work mode." He also has a fun and sweet side, and loves reconnecting with our German heritage in a healthy way. His favorite food is späztle and he hopes to eventually learn the German language. Took his name from Mount Rainier, and it's his dream to visit there in person someday.
He is the most vocally and loudly anti-fascist out of all of us, which is saying something because basically all of us are loudly anti-fash, but he takes it to a different level. He does the most "political protecting" in our system and does a lot of irl activism stuff that he hopes will prompt real change someday.
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Red Cloud Divider Credit by @rpinkling (highly recommend looking into them, their dividers are very cool!)
my Woker hot take is unlearning flawed and bigoted rhetoric you were raised with isnt *hard* unless you like fundamentally do not care about the people around you and lack curiosity and interest in the world. lol
maybe im just a hater and i never really engage with true crime content outside of the few times i was forced to in high school but whenever people are like "yeah its just fascinating.... to hear how killers think.... its so interesting to know their thought processes..." and well. 99% of the time its "they realized they had the chance to hurt somebody and took it" and they werent some misunderstood genius it was 1. police incompetence & people not caring about the victims and 2. most serial killers are white guys. and white guys can get away with a hell of a lot
grief is so crazy like what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. does she know i loved her. i miss her so much. i catch myself doing things she used to do. i wish i could call her. i miss her so much. i do a crossword puzzle. i cry while washing the dishes. does she know i loved her? my heart feels like a hummingbird. i miss her so much. what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. what if i forget.
i talked ab this feeling in therapy yday and my therapist asked me, “would it really be so bad if your memories changed? if they softened and faded or looked different over time? why does that frighten you so much?” and i said, “i don’t want the love to disappear.” and she looked at me for a long moment and then she said, “it won’t. it doesn’t work that way. even if the memories soften or change, it doesn’t mean the love does. that love keeps going backward in time, forever, because you love her still. all is not lost.” i just thought i would share that in case it resonated w anyone else too.
(guy who isnt beating the ocd voice) i know! maybe if i spend all night ruminating on something i feel guilty about until i’ve considered it from every possible angle and made myself physically ill, then i can finally forgive myself and i’ll feel better! 99% of morally abhorrent people stop self punishing right before they’re Absolved
hi this tag is making me insane. OCD treatment and recovery are notoriously difficult because you have to give up all of your comforts and accommodations you've created, to actually lay the beast bare. i often say "the only way out of OCD is through" but i think this tag is far more evocative of what it actually feels like to find the strength within you to face recovery.
Make sure you don't accidentally punish people for communicating their needs and boundaries. When someone cares enough to have the uncomfortable conversation, that's a compliment and a clear sign that they are invested in the relationship. Yes of course it's uncomfortable to hear that something you've been doing has been upsetting someone you care about when that was never your intention, but people generally only bother to have these conversations with the people they want to keep around - the people they trust to care. If they just didn't like you, they'd probably just try to avoid you. So make sure you don't make it into a more punishing experience than it has to be. Try to see the care and the trust behind the criticism, even when it triggers uncomfortable emotions. It's a good sign that they're there telling you.
Make sure you don't accidentally punish people for communicating their needs and boundaries. When someone cares enough to have the uncomfortable conversation, that's a compliment and a clear sign that they are invested in the relationship. Yes of course it's uncomfortable to hear that something you've been doing has been upsetting someone you care about when that was never your intention, but people generally only bother to have these conversations with the people they want to keep around - the people they trust to care. If they just didn't like you, they'd probably just try to avoid you. So make sure you don't make it into a more punishing experience than it has to be. Try to see the care and the trust behind the criticism, even when it triggers uncomfortable emotions. It's a good sign that they're there telling you.
partially-managed mental illness is so fucking funny i'll be sitting around doing my job and suddenly think "wow i hate myself" and immediately get confused because, like, that's not TRUE! i love myself so much. who are you to talk to me like that
I’m reading a book on biofeedback trainings right now and they talk about this. The words “try” or “need” add pressure to stuff. Sometimes switching from “I need to calm down” or “I’m trying to slow my breathing” to “I’m allowing myself to calm down a little more with each exhale” or “I’m giving myself permission to slow my breathing” can be more helpful. There’s a difference between “try to relax the muscle” and “allow the muscle to soften” that is significant enough that for some people it can totally change the outcome of a relaxation exercise.
For other tips and tricks, instead of asking “why” you can’t change a thought/feeling (why being an offensive question, meaning it forces you to respond defensively - in this case defending the emotion you don’t like) you can ask “is there any leeway or wiggle room with this feeling/thought/belief for something else?” Oftentimes we know multiple things at once, and by allowing for a small amount of ambiguity we can start to accept the situation more fully.
i'm sorry i didn't respond to your DM for 23 days. the number on the notification icon got really big and i began having irrational anxious thoughts such as "what if people are in there trying to contact me"
