ai's mind palace

a place to spill my worries [run by @hnnyoongs | icon by @n-emone]

[hawatson]

[rules for the h.a. watson blog]

[you guys see these little brackets here? yea that means that's the admin @hnnyoongs talking not haibara]

[the reason the layout and name of this blog isn't haibara like is because she's paranoid in canon and cant afford to post her face on a blog she wants a place to talk about her feelings online anonymously she's not going to outright state she's haibara ai she's gonna hint at it and yes I know that means less people will click on this blog because they wont realize it's meant to be realistic]

[im doing this because I relate to haibara a lot and I want to put myself through her lenses this is for fun and it's also a way for me to cope with my trauma so in a way when haibara's talking I’m also talking]

[ when I tag the first few tags will be haibara's tags when I put the hashtag # // admin tags after this you'll know all the tags after are mine to get it in the relevant hashtags for our universe]

[warnings for this blog : pedophilia, grooming, abuse, suicidal thoughts, dcmk typical murder, gin slander]

[haibara uses she/they pronouns irl but online she uses they/them while I use he/they so when referring to ai use they/them pronouns please]

[comment if you wanna talk to admin I can’t seem to switch my accounts for comments reblog for either but it’s probably best to only reblog for Haibara to keep the two separate, feel free to use asks as well!]

[there’ll be lots of CoAi, minor shinran cuz canon, but endgame MasuRan. GinSherry is meant to be abusive not romantic. mentions of past ShuAke but I do not ship them they are cousins.]

[ai's nicknames: conan is partner, subaru is nosy neighbor, dai is onee-chan's ex-lover, agasa is hakase, the detective boys are the children, akemi is onee-chan]

[as of 5/2/22, the profile pic for this account was drawn by @n-emone and don't worry they gave me permission to use it]

[hawatson]

It feels like it’s been over a year since I posted anything on this account. A…somewhat warm? welcome to those who are new here. Sorry to say, you will be disappointed.

[hawatson]

new profile pic

A big thank you to @n-emone for drawing me! Goodbye picrew icon, I'm never coming back!

[hawatson]

[admin here to let you all know that @n-emone drew a coai request for me where they hold army bombs so sending all the love to them for letting me use their art as my icon!! and yes nem, this is kudosexual from twitter who's akemi lovebot in the coai cafe I'm not an imposter I'm just on my blog where I project onto ai]

[hawatson]

new profile pic

A big thank you to @n-emone for drawing me! Goodbye picrew icon, I'm never coming back!

[hawatson]

Just because I don’t act stereotypically queer, doesn’t mean I’m not queer. Just because I don’t tell anyone I’m queer, doesn’t mean I’m not queer. I’m not ashamed of being queer, I just don’t see how it’s anyone’s business.

I’m sure Higo-san felt the same way. The so called fans who outed him as bisexual are no fans at all, they’re just money hungry bigots, that’s what they are. Why does his sexuality make them angry? He’s still the same soccer player with good looks and talent at the game. He still has the same personality, the same music taste, the same style of dressing. Higo Ryuunosuke is still Higo Ryuunosuke, as he always has been.

What hurts is that everyone in real life assumes I’m angry at Higo-san. Just because I screamed when I saw the article, they jumped to the thought of me being a terrible person. Which I am, but these are the same people who constantly try to convince me otherwise. Their reactions tell me the truth of what they think of me, that they can’t imagine me screaming because I was happy that my favorite celebrity is also queer.

Maybe it’s my fault for not telling anyone. But really why should I? What’s the point? I’m not going to date anyone, everyone seems too innocent or too dark to be loving me and I’ve made peace with that. All I wanted to do was rant about Higo-san being unjustly outed but now I have to deal with having to choose between being seen as a homophobe or taking a step I’m not ready to take by admitting I’m bisexual.

I miss my sister. She always understood when it came to these types of things.

[hawatson]

I keep on losing hair ties. This sucks.

[hawatson]

Do you like reading - ?

I guess you could say I like it? I like to consume media of any kind, whether it's listening to music or watching shows, I like to get invested in things that get my mind off of real life. So yes, I like reading but only if it fits what I like. With nonfiction, all I really care for is biochemistry journals and I guess fashion/gossip magazines. On the other hand with fiction, I personally am into long novels with intricate plots. I've read a good amount of romance manga as well, as my sister and I liked to bond over them. Does that answer your question?

[hawatson]

I remember having a dream where my partner went speechless when I screamed at him that I feel unsafe everywhere I go, that I feel eyes on my back drilling into my head. He tried to tell me that he would protect me but I shouted back that we both knew if it were between me and the love of his life, it would never be me.

[hawatson]

I woke up at five am from a nightmare and went back to sleep now it’s nine am and I’ve forgotten what the nightmare was

[hawatson]

I hate being sick because I tend to get flashbacks when I’m sick. I need to stick by my partner’s morals because if I don’t I might walk out the front door of the house and do something my partner would never be okay with.

[hawatson]

Realizing that you are no one’s favorite person is the worst feeling.

[hawatson]

Moving on is hard but I can't keep clinging onto memories in fear of the future. I just can't, not anymore. I'm tired of staying still, I'm tired of running away. This time I'll just disappear, because I'm tired of being taken for granted.

[hawatson]

My haters are just jealous that I’ve gotten a head-pat from Higo-san and they haven’t.

[hawatson]

Hi, I've been reading your blog and wanted to offer sympathy for your struggles. I don't know the specifics and don't think I ever will but I wanted to reassure you of your strength and commend you for coming so far. It may not seem like it but life is beautiful even in the darkest moments.

Just something to keep in mind.

Thank you, but I assure you I'm deserving of the pain I receive. I don't know why I keep trying sometimes, other than to protect others who I have hurt. I do agree with your last statement. Life is beautiful, especially during it's darkest points. I've seen some of them, some of the best moments are when everything is falling apart.

[hawatson]

Living without feeling, just getting up, living and going back to sleep is easier than to actually try. Not when I know that it's a lost cause anyway.

[hawatson]

The weird thing about having feelings for someone is that you don't really notice it usually. You wake up to see a text from them, it's not something you jump up and down because of, instead your heart warms and you smile. The little touches between the two of you will never not make you blush, but you also know that there's no meaning behind it so you don't react outwardly. You are and you worry and you don't show it but you'd die a thousand deaths for them. You live for them and then you live because of them, because they remind you that there are precious things in this world. He won't ever love me back but I can live with it because I love him. Despite all my jealous feelings of wanting to be beside him forever I won't fight a battle I've already lost. Loving him has settled into my bones, it's easier than breathing, it's part of me and I stopped thinking about letting go a long time ago. I am in love with him, I can't get over him, and I will stay silent about my feelings. Those are all truths, ones I will live by even though I'm a liar deep down.

[hawatson]

I have been reading this Korean webnovel and the fanbase calls the two main characters Life and Death Companions. I'm not too far into the story, still on volume one, but I like the sound of that. I wonder if my partner and I are life and death companions as well? I doubt it. I don't matter to him as much as he matters to me.

I'm reading the English fan translation as I don't understand Korean like Onee-chan did (though she was not able to read it, only understand what people said due to her kdrama binges) and I can't find a Japanese version. I needed to brush up on my English in the first place, it is half of my identity after all.