Soooo... I wrote a post a while ago explaining, or what I thought was explaining, my mental health/my reasoning for doing things the way I do things. I just looked and it was actually two years ago !!
already starting this post off with a time blindness bang
Surprise, surprise even after seeing my lovely therapist the only thing that was managed was my anxiety. Not my sensitivity to rejection, not my “bad habits”, not... really anything else that has been running my life since I can remember.
I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor and after a few months of stumbling around... I have ADHD. Like, been officially diagnosed, working on what’s going to work best for me now that I know type of a thing.
Which is honestly so wild to me, but also comforting in a sense because I’ve always known deep down that I’m so different from other people.
And all in all, it explains a lot. Like... everything. Not sure why I felt like posting here. I just miss you guys. I’m sorry I pop in and out a lot and forget to reply, or reply like 10 years later. Or I just seem to not exist for a while.
I’m going to work on it, but I’m also accepting that this is likely something that I will always do. I don’t mean to ruin my relationships with how the way my brain is wired <3
So every time I say I’m sorry over and over again, I really do mean it. I just stumble over the same mistake, and it’s as frustrating for me as it is for you.
tldr; I finally, at 24 years old, got an ADHD diagnosis and it’s weirdly freeing, but also pretty difficult to take.
Hope this crazy year has treated you guys okay!! I’ll try to leave this browser open and keep an eye out if y’all wanna say hey!
hi I don’t have any gifs of crystal reed on this computer so have a gif of rapunzel instead??
I was gonna try to make this sound poetic or whatever but honestly I’m tired of trying to pretty up something that just isn’t pretty. Over the past 5 months I have been going to a new therapist and this one is finally getting me somewhere. And I’m not gonna really expand on that - point is I’ve come to explain a few things, I guess. I know I’m not obligated to, and half of you probably don’t even come on so you’ll never even see this but it’s gonna make me feel better to know it’s here.
So, if you ever wondered “Hey, why does Brittany (or Hayley) seem wishy-washy, contradictory, etc.?” “Why did Brittany say she was gonna do this thing and then not get to it?” or anything to do with “Why did Brittany do (insert said thing here) that doesn’t seem like her?” -- OR “Hey! Why did Brittany just disappear off the face of the Earth while we were roleplaying?” I’m here to answer all of this. If you have your own pressing question about “Why did Brittany (or Hayley) do (this specific thing you have a question about)?” And it doesn’t seem to get answered below feel free to message me over here on my personal.
Let’s get this thing started before my anxiety kicks in and I chicken out LOL.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t want any of you to read this and wonder why the hell I’m posting this so I’m gonna make it super clear right off the bat. This is for me, first - and if it helps you learn, or it makes you feel better in some way, then it is also for you. I’m not trying to toot my own horn and say “Wow, look I’m learning how to be a better person.” It’s not like that -- I have lived with a lot of guilt, sadness, regret, and general yuckyness ever since this roleplay started to close and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want you guys to think in any way you could have changed anything, or that you caused anything -- this entire “yuck” thing happening was a long time coming in my life and previous events had built up to get me to where I am today. It was never you guys doing anything, or any other roleplay I joined before or after this. But I feel close enough to all of you on here to put this out here, rather than somewhere else.
Okay, according to this blog archive I joined Exchange October 31, 2014. Sooo, almost four years ago - and I can still remember being eighteen and excited to be in another roleplay. And for a while (I think?) it was all good. I don’t know exactly when my anxiety started to leak in, but it did - because it has in every roleplay since this one. I’m not gonna track down the exact posts where things started to get a bit wonky on my end, but I know it’s in there somewhere.
I made a post a while back about being a different person than I was back when I played Hayley, and that much still holds true. I could not possibly play Hayley the way I did back when this was still up and running. I couldn’t embody my worry the way I did back then. Hayley became an outlet for basically all of my good energy, and all of the negative as well. Hayley was inconsistent as a character because I was inconsistent as a writer, Hayley was contradictory in her life because I wanted so badly to pick the “right answer” for everything that I wanted both at once. I spent so long getting to replies because I wanted to get everything “just right” because I had to make sure you guys would like whatever I was writing. And if I’m honest, I have very fond memories of all of you and chatting OOC and making memories -- But I hated playing Hayley. I hated getting on here and fearing screwing up.
So as things gradually dropped down the hill that I was tumbling down I started making promises, that I had every intention of keeping. I still have drafts saved of things that I fully intended to do. But then this little (huge) unhealthy coping mechanism would kick in -- And this is honestly my biggest problem to this day that I’m actively working on as I type this -- I would just shut down.
I do this thing where I think about how big and scary everything is that I have to do and I get very overwhelmed and I shut off. And that’s not anything anyone caused, really, but because of previous trauma this is what my brain has been doing to survive. And so, for the past... Basically 10-ish years of my life I have been battling with this.
-- So there’s a huge chunk of the questions answered.
I guess another one that might have come up is “Why do you feel so badly about this in the first place?” There might be a “get over it” tacked on in there somewhere. And to that I say - Yeah, I plan to once I post this and answer any lingering questions that might come in.
But to answer the actual question that I posed. I feel bad because I have spent a lot of my time trying to be seen as perfect (or at least as “perfect” as possible). I have never wanted people to see any of my flaws because I thought if they did they wouldn’t like me, or they would think negatively of me. And from there I thought people wouldn’t want to be my friend if they could see something negative. And trying to be “perfect” all the time has turned me into kind of a shitty person. (Some of you are gonna be like “what are you talking about Brittany you’re always so (insert whatever positive thing here)” and yes, thank you for that I have tried to be - but I’ve also just kind of blatantly avoided ever talking about anything wrong I’ve done)
I’ve never been good with confrontation, and it still makes me wildly uncomfortable - especially when I’m involved in it - but I encourage you to message me privately if you have ever had some sort of unresolved issue with me. Because if we ever did -- I’ve probably avoided even paying attention to it and I’m willing to have a civilized conversation. (If you’re like “Brittany, it’s old news I don’t care anymore.” That’s cool, too.)
-- I think that about sums everything up. Like I said I’ll answer questions about whatever you wanna know, really.
If you made it this far thanks for reading. Don’t know how you made it through that essay but I appreciate it if you did.
Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.
I will try, sweet anon. But sadly (actually I’m not sad at all about it lmfao) I am not the same person mentally as I was when I played Hayley. (Trust me, it’s better this way.) I’m not sure I even know how to play her character anymore seeing as she was very similar to me at that time (and I think that simply happened because I was the way I was – i.e. a people pleaser and insecure as all hell) So I dunno, maybe I’ll play her the way I (now) think she was meant to be played?? I suppose this is my one regret I wish y’all could know me as the person I am now not the flake I was a few years ago LOL. Calls myself out hardcore even though you didn’t ask for it!!TLDR: I’ll try !!
spending entire commutes responding to posts or plotting (and draining my phone’s battery in the process).
plots being played out on the dash rather than headcanoned in private so that even if my character isn’t directly involved, i’m still able to follow along and feel included.
going on vacation and though i’m on hiatus, not being able to stay away from the dash and using so much of my data i’m warned of an overage.
staying up much too late because the dash is moving and i don’t want to miss a moment.
almost missing my morning bus because i stayed up too late and then got sidetracked catching up on the dash.
group chatzys and paras lasting for hours and the ridiculous plots hatched within.
ships that aren’t rushed (or if they are, because love at first lust/sight does exist, they’re played out realistically).
Happy One Year Anniversary Exchange! ✈︎
↪ I can’t believe it’s already been a year since the Exchange closed! The Exchange was a great RP, one that I know we will all have a special place in our hearts for. Over the years, we had crazy tasks where someone had to tell their best friend they were a lesbian and they were in love with them and some forcing people to hook up which actually helped them fall in love - but no matter what it was it always brought new excitement and drama to the dash. We had the best events that managed to evolve from Laser Tag games into Murder Mysteries. We all grew here on the Exchange, our characters and ourselves, and even though it’s over, it was a great ride while it lasted. Happy anniversary everyone! xx
You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like, you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are at this time and in this place because you will never be this way ever again.
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