The Daily Haystacks

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BREAKING NEWS: Local Adventist Daycare Closes After Toy with "Occult Masonic symbols were found"

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Ask Aunt Ellen: Do Adventists Hate Catholics?

Dear Aunt Ellen,

Uh, my friend says you Adventists hate Catholics. Is that true?

-Becky

My dearest Becky,

Allow me to praise the Lord for your inquiry. My sincerest hope is that my answer will put the best possible construction upon the course of our brethren. I have been dead... pardon me ... sleeping for nearly a century. But I cannot lie still while this inquiry goes unanswered!

I can see that your friend’s interest in this subject was aroused by figures drawn from the surroundings of their daily life, such as the local theater, or their penny press newspaper. I beseech you to open your heart to the Lord’s everlasting truth.

As I said on my favorite book The Great Controversy: “The dignitaries of church and state will unite to bribe, persuade, or compel all classes to honor the Sunday. The lack of divine authority will be supplied by oppressive enactments.” We Seventh-day Adventists do not have contempt over Catholics. Sure, they will force everyone into their Papal dogma, persecuting brothers and sisters who believe otherwise, but we have no contempt.

Let us remember how forbearing and patient Christ was with the erring children of men, such as the Papacy. Let us love one another. Let us have harmony and union throughout our ranks. Let us have our hearts sanctified to God. Let us read our English Bibles before the Papacy burns all but the Latin ones.  

EGW

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Generation Youth for Christ (GYC) tells us what we've known all along: gays are "under demonic control"

The secular media originally posted this image. Every good Adventist knows, however, that the above image is the unfiltered image that the homosexuals don't want you to see.

The GYC bravely tells us that allowing a gay person to help out in church is "allowing demons to enter the church and influence our children." The Daily Haystacks is beseeching its viewers to please be careful. As the Adventist Chruch has taught us all: fear-mongering is the best way to deal with people who are different. 

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Adventist pastor bravely criticizes woman for wearing $10 earrings

Pictures by Cynthia Somasundaram, David Shankbone and Jonny White

Sourvile, Minnesota - Adventist Pastor Ed Swan courageously berates church member Lisa Long for wearing her gaudy, showy, and flashy $10 earrings.

Pastor Swan boldly and fearlessly talks to The Daily Haystacks. As he parks his Ferrari on his 4-car garage, he tells us: “I just cannot believe my eyes. This is exactly what Ellen White was talking about in her book Testimonies. In it, Ellen White states,  'To dress plainly, and abstain from display of jewelry and ornaments of every kind is in keeping with our faith.' There you have it folks; pure and simple! This garish and ostentatious image that she's conveying is not at all in line with our church." 

“I just can’t believe Ms. Lisa Long shows up in my church like nothing in wrong.” Pastor Swans adds, “what’s worse: she’s involved in every aspect of the church. Children’s ministry, homeless ministries, the choir… what kind of message is is sending everyone? I’m just saddened. I can’t even enjoy my church-sponsored channel on my 90” TV anymore.”

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The mysterious missing case of ANN’s women’s ordination story

Silver Spring, Maryland - If you are like many Adventists, what do you think of when you want in-depth, unbiased, breaking Adventist news? If you said Adventist News Network, you are among dozens and dozens of people.

People were scratching their heads Thursday, wondering what happened to a story that was pulled from the ANN website, according to a Spectrum Magazine report.

Chief public relations officer for the Adventist Church Garrett Caldwell says, “what women’s ordination story? Uh, everyone can go to our website and check out what a committee of many conservative thinkers, who are concerned for their jobs, thinks about women’s ordination!” When asked if ANN is backtracking on a previous story about women’s ordination, Mr. Caldwell says, “we at ANN would never be ashamed of covering a story on the ‘W’-word. It would be embarrassing to downplay women’s ordination stories. Just because the President of the Adventist church is openly against women's ordination, it doesn't mean that we should be penalized for having to nod agree with our Dear Leader Ted Wilson.”

ANN is known for its audacious and brave reporting. From reporting about meetings, to quinquennials, to the ever-so-popular “Revived By His Word” campaign, ANN is synonymous with relevancy.

Associate director of the world church's communication department Williams Costa Jr. says, “at the end of the day, who are the Adventist people going to trust? A show that is funded by the Adventist church itself, or a bunch of bloggers with nothing to lose? I think time will tell us that people wanna hear their news from the source.” He adds, “what would the church gain if it were lying to its members? That’s the question we all should be asking.”

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Local sociopathic rapist learns that Devil is to blame for all of the horrible things he has done

Mount Grain, Maine - Local sociopathic rapist Alfred Dahmer-Geen has had a clear conscience ever since reading The Great Controversy by Adventist Prophet-American Ellen White.

Mr. Dahmer-Geen was so enthusiastic, that The Daily Haystacks had almost no time to ask questions. He just states: “It makes me so relieved that after genuinely accepting Jesus Christ as my personal saviour, that even though I tortured, raped, and killed people, I will be spending eternity with them in Heaven. What an amazing concept that those people that I tortured, raped, and killed will all be with me, for eternity, so that they can see how powerful God’s love is through my story.”

“Wow, it’s no wonder Ellen White herself loved this book so much!” says Mr. Dahmer-Geen. “After raping women, torturing babies, and eating my neighbor’s leg, I have learned that it’s all the Devil’s fault for all of the horrible things that happen. And praise God for that.”

Originally published in 1858, The Great Controversy has stood the test of time thanks to the Adventist church’s ingenious and daring campaign of renaming the book to The Great Hope.

When discussing the concept of Original Sin, Mr. Dahmer-Geen feels “like it all makes sense now: we are all born sinful. That tiny, new-born, soft-skinned baby? Just as sinful as me. What a beautiful message to send to the world!”

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God performs medical miracle in hospital

Cityville, Kansas - Days after local man Robert C. Gale was admitted to the ER, doctors are calling his recovery a “miracle beyond belief.”

“I honestly cannot believe how Gale here got better,” says Dr. Ashley Collins. “After treating him with several drugs and spending almost a hundred thousand dollars on his care, Gale has improved. It is absolutely a miracle that he has recovered.” Dr. Collins, one of the world’s most renowned doctors on illnesses that kill people, only has one explanation for his recovery.

“It was God. It was not the intensive care that healed him. Not the hard-working nurses laboring long hours. It wasn’t his very expensive health care. Not even my many, many years that I spent studying.. or the thousands of dollars that I spent on my education. None of that explains his recovery. The only logical explanation was that God, and God alone, healed him.”

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The dangers of female ordination become a reality

Photo By: Lara Schneider 

Wallanooga, Washington - Hours after Laura Langley was ordained as the first female pastor at Wallanooga Adventist Church, she “completely lost her mind,” sources say.

“Pastor” Laura is well-known in the Wallanooga Adventist community as a prominent voice in support for women’s ordination. According to sources, “Pastor” Laura completely lost it during her first meeting as a pastor. “Pastor” Laura allegedly spoke without being spoken to, and disagreed with her level-headed male counterparts during a meeting. “She just totally went nuts! We tried to change her mind, but she just had her own opinions,” says Pastor John Deerkill. “This is exactly what we were afraid of: a woman who just can’t control her emotions.”

This isn’t the first time “Pastor” Laura has shown disobedience to her male superiors. Youth pastor Stephen Recks describes her as, “insubordinate, unsubmissive, and too outspoken.”

“Pastor” Laura is being held at the Doug Batchelor Center for Unruly Women for examination. Pastor Doug Batchelor says, “this is precisely what I’ve been warning people for years! Today it’s ‘Pastor Laura’, tomorrow it’s ‘Pastor Suzie’ in your church. It’s just a matter of time before they demasculinize us men, and take our well-paying jobs.”

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Third world savages saved from their peaceful belief system

Picture from Flickr

Kirabalu - Newly converted members of the Kirabalu Island have been saved from their unholy peaceful beliefs by courageous Adventist missionaries.

Tiaktu, one of the members of the Kirabalu Tribe, gives The Daily Haystacks, an exclusive interview. “I am praising God, as we Adventists say!” Ms. Tiaktu, no longer wearing her sinful revealing tribal “clothing,” adds, “before our brave new Adventist missionary friends came here, we had very simple understandings: that everyone is equal. And that if it doesn’t hurt a living thing, then don’t worry about it, and carry on with living the best life you can.”

But Tiaktu has learned everlasting truths: “I now know how wrong we all were to have this peaceful and inclusive life. I know now that those beliefs are completely evil and not the way a good Adventist should be living.”

Missionaries provided the Kirabalu Tribe with Adventist-made food, such as Worthington®  & Loma Linda Products.  “We no longer eat the food we grow, because they remind us of our barbaric old lifestyle. So eat wholesome Veggie Dogs and haystacks.”

The Kirabalu Tribe is also blessed with literature evangelism. “We are so blessed to have been provided with countless books by EG White. In fact, we have so many books that our fields are littered with pamphlets, brochures and books. Everywhere you look, there is paper to be picked up from the ground with God’s saving message.”

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Adventist youth event fails to attract any young Adventists

Taints, Texas - Adventist youth leaders are stunned after absolutely no young Adventists showed up to youth event. Eunice Shrewsbury, the 85-year-old director of Adventist Youth of the Southern American Division of the Adventist Church is flabbergasted.

“After all the planning that was done,” says Mrs. Shrewsbury, “no Adventist youth showed up to our event. I hired the best known Adventist evangelists who can reach out to our dear young people: from the beloved Mark Finley, to world-renowned expert on women’s issues Doug Batchelor.”

Mrs. Shrewsbury, while unwrapping her hard candy, continues talking to The Daily Haystacks, exclusively. “I feel like I’ve tried everything! From passing out flyers to our young people at the bingo tournaments, to buying ads on AOL.com, and even placing pamphlets at my local Blockbuster. Nothing seems to get young people excited!”

Mrs. Shrewsbury is not the only one who’s shocked. Associate director of Adventist Youth of the Southern American Division, Lloyd Wolverhampton expresses his concerns: “We bought the most handsome posters, and hung up the most special banners we bought just for the young kids, but no luck." The 79-year-old retiree applies Bengay to his tired hands, while adding, “young people should really be looking to us for spiritual guidance.”

The nursing home who helped cater the event, proving Jell-o, mashed potatoes, and SPAM stews, declined to comment. Mr. Shrewsbury says she will try again. “The only thing I can’t risk is asking young people to help organize the youth event. I, and my fellow Adventist colleagues, feel that they are not mature enough to handle this type of commitment. They really are lucky to have us as their leaders.”

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Starving Adventist glad to see his tithe money going to shiny Headquarters

West Bengal, India - Devout Adventist Deepak Raj (pictured above) is overjoyed to have this tithe money going toward the Headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.

“It filled my heart with joy,” says Raj, “to see my hard earned money going toward the most beautiful building I’ve ever seen. It makes me proud to be an Adventist who contributed even a small amount to that.”

“I mean, of course we all have to make sacrifices. Somedays my son and I go without food. But I sleep soundly knowing that part of my contribution is going toward the General Conference building. Whether buying organic egg white printer papers, buying new ergonomic desks and chairs for the hard working employees, or just a beautiful flower arrangement from their local craft store - it just makes me forget how malnutritioned I am when I think about what a difference I am making to the GC.”

You too can watch the video that filled Raj’s diseased heart with joy.

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Supreme leader Ted Wilson shuns media for bad coverage

Image originally from SDA Caricatures.

Silver Spring, Maryland - Dear leader Adventist World President Ted N. C. Wilson publicly denounced the secular media for portraying the Seventh-day Adventist church in a negative way. "We don't need you to make us look bad. We can do that all by ourselves."

“The media loves to portray us Adventists as women-hating, homophobic, evolution-denying, loonies,” says Wilson. “But the reality is that we don’t need the media’s help.”

“The joke is on the secular media,” says Wilson. He adds, “If the secular media thinks they can make us look bad, they are going to feel really foolish when we beat them to the punch.”

With recent prominent Adventists making headlines on several well-known media outlets known by their three acronyms, Wilson is working with a 24/7 PR team. “I’ve already posted on the Twitter and posted a carefully crafted letter in our website, adventist.new.org, I’m told.”

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The Vatican to unveil brand new device to torture Adventists

Vatican City - Torture device especially designed to torture Adventists will be unveiled Monday, according to sources inside the Vatican.

"It is widely known," says Pope Francis, "that the Catholic Church exists for one purpose, and one purpose only: to one day locate, torture, and eventually eradicate every single Seventh-day Adventist.” The Pope, sitting on his golden throne, holding his golden scepter, drinks slowly from his chalice filled with blood from beautiful Adventist babies.

“I must say,” adds Francis, “that having our secret meetings, away from Adventists’ eyes, has been getting more and more difficult over the years. I have been told by my trusty 'Adventist' spies (who look, act, and smell just like a normal Adventist humans) that these pesky Adventists have been catching on to our master plan."

Countless of pastors have slowly, but diligently, been exposing the Catholic lies to their congregation of dozens and dozens of people. Several heroic Adventists, with no knowledge whatsoever of Catholic history, are spreading the truth about the Vatican’s plans to eventually eradicate every Adventist.

Francis plans to unveil his torture device where the Catholic Church sees most fitting for the occasion. “Ellen G. White’s grave site, of course. It’s the perfect place!” It is estimated that thousands of Catholics will be attending this ceremony in Battle Creek, where Adventist co-founder Ellen G. White is buried.