LU College Edition + Dink
Time
Your old professor who hates morning classes more than you ever do. He answers one email a day, and now he’s absolutely exhausted and wants to go home to smell his horse and complain to his wife about the college potatoes in his class. (If they had listened to what he said, he wouldn’t have to answer their emails; “Malon, I swear I’m going to resign-”) These kids are the boulder, and he is Sisyphus. No Albert Camus can gaslight him into thinking he’s happy. He is NOT. He remains in academia purely because he knows his existence pisses off the university executive board.
Warriors
Your young, eccentric professor. He’s young, so nobody is going to take him seriously. So, he decided to become batshit crazy. The one everyone is scared to choose as a supervisor, and the one people want to jump off the roof rather than defend their thesis against. Deep, like really deep down, he’s actually a good guy, but he’ll still give you grief about your kindergarten slide presentation, your atrocious email writing, and your writing in general. He’s publishing papers and speedrunning his career like he’s married to his work. He’s on his way to seizing power and finally running this circus the way it should be run.
Twilight
That Ph.D. student who is also a TA. He’s invested in all sorts of activities to avoid writing his thesis. He opens his laptop and suddenly the toilet needs to shine. He opens his Google doc and before he realizes it he has acquired all sorts of accolades, from local sumo champion to Animal Volunteer of the Year. He fears your old professor’s disappointed stare. Twice a day he’s tempted to walk into the woods and join a wolf pack because they expects nothing from him but love. He wanna cry.
Sky
That one baffling postgrad who hasn’t participated in any writing groups but goes to the office for free snacks and to take naps, then disappears from the face of the earth. There has never been a deadline for which he didn’t file an extension form. He’s been passed from one supervisor to the next to teach them some humility. Then one day everyone gets an email saying he’s graduated. How? When asked, everyone is surprised to discover that dude actually lives an enriched life, that he was working on his thesis while simultaneously saving the world, getting married, and finding a kingdom.
Legend
That one notorious kid who simultaneously does multiple degrees and is also enrolled in online courses. He collects certificates like they’re Pokémon cards. If you cut him open you’ll find he’s made of Red Bull and triple-shot coffee. His natural habitat is rotating between the library and jail. He’s a thorn in the university executive board’s side, with so many protests he helped organize on campus. That’s why your professors keep intervening whenever the university tries to expel him. They share the same enemy.
Four
That one undergrad kid on scholarship who actually reads your professor’s syllabus and then reads everything on the recommended reading list. Your professors are now driven to update the list in response to a worthy challenger and makes everyone in the class suffer in the process. Your professors are considering poaching him for their postgraduate programs. He looks like he runs a multi-million-dollar enterprise, but he’s actually a Reddit mod. He takes “compete with yourself” seriously.
Wild
That one undergrad who is always absent from class and always getting into trouble (unintentionally) but hasn’t been expelled yet. He’s the reason your TA wants to flee into the woods. But he also looks like he has a tragic backstory (he does). So, your goodhearted TA is worried and have to check on him regularly. When he graduates, your professors are relieved, but when he shows up again for a postgraduate program, they seriously consider monkhood. Also, he’s an Olympian athlete.
Wind
That one funny undergrad kid who isn’t especially academically smart, or driven, but always asks the RIGHT question, the one that makes your professors remember their past lives when they were young, hopeful, happy students. People sigh with relief when he appears in class because your professors instantly become merciful in his presence. Turns out this kid runs a startup and is also a billionaire.
Hyrule
That one undergrad who is so outrageously un-anxious he seems fictional. He has never shown up in class but somehow manages to appear in the exam room on exam day and pass with flying colors. Your professors have no idea whether to feel offended or impressed. Your TA, however, has high blood pressure because he’s the one who has to hunt this kid down in the woods. His essays are usually just okay, but once in a red moon he produces something that sounds like he’s possessed by the philosophers of old. He still writes his essay by hand (he has no computer).
Dink
That one evil, infamous reviewer who makes both of your professors learn the art of assassination. He shoots down all their manuscripts like he has a personal grudge… HE HAS. Because, unbeknownst to them, your professors once made Dink do a major revision when he was a baby researcher, and Dink has never forgotten and never will he forgive. This is intergenerational bad blood. None of your professors’ academic lineage will be safe. Dink will find them all and reject their manuscripts.
