juniper lauren.

black poet. dallas, tx. 27. aquarius. pleasure activist. cw: 169 gw: 148

[hbjsoulections]

surety in Sunday’s sunrise

this is the second Sunday morning

i’ve been loved by God enough to

rest my weary heart right next to you.

this is the second Sunday

that changed both of our point of views.

you knew for sure you wanted to be with me

& i knew for sure that i loved you.

[hbjsoulections]

I never forgot either.

🤎?

[hbjsoulections]

my heart so full it hurts.

hurts for people i haven't longed for in years.

somehow they still have a home in here.

funny how a memory can reemerge from

an old playlist & your heart does the remembering

for you.

[hbjsoulections]

i've been allowing things to slip my grip.

holding onto so much for next to no reason.

hands just full of bags that no longer

belong to this version of me.

holding a stranger's things.

[hbjsoulections]

everything i learned about love

was through ones that didn’t

know the first thing about loving anyone.

[hbjsoulections]

i love you endlessly.

beyond time & space.

& somehow…

i hope i never see you again.

[hbjsoulections]

I’m tired of writing about you.

Book full of details to my own demise.

Looking you dead in the eyes when I close mine

talk about clarity

you see

someone once said you’re more alive in your dreams

& last night I dreamed I was dancing in your room.

I felt you around me, you were in the air I breathed

& I started to suffocate when I my alarm ringed.

is that why I’ve been walking around half dead?

not a single sentence that hadn’t been said.

about how I feel, & what I want

I’ve even tweaked it a bit to see what difference

it would bring.

[hbjsoulections]

kind to you.

I haven’t been kind to you.

I haven’t treated you like the home you are.

I leave you open, & I bring nothing new.

[hbjsoulections]

you just wanna take care of me.

& i understand.

[hbjsoulections]

you love me like it's your God-given job.

you drink me like you've been dying of thirst.

your fingers prune & you never mind.

a love like this, a love so divine.

[hbjsoulections]

navigating from who i was to who i want to be is exhausting.

running from crushed dreams,

deciphering why it wasn't meant to be

all the while, i'm carrying a heart so wide open,

waiting & ready to receive.

[hbjsoulections]

at least i'm the only source of my riots within now.

[hbjsoulections]

loving you came at such a high price,

can't afford to romanticize the memories of you

& pay it twice.

[hbjsoulections]

my thoughts & prayers have been dying to escape.

in daily orbit around my mind.

[hbjsoulections]

my heart has been at peace.

I don’t write from a place of longing anymore.

for a second i thought it was my identity.

these days my body moves solely for me.

& everything given to me is given with love…

not with the intent to pacify me.

i’m right where i need to be…

chosen out of love & not the fear of scarcity.

God, protect this peace

& the people that bring it to me.

[hbjsoulections]

thankful.

the best parts of my life lately... have been completely untouched by you.

we broke up right before my raise at my job came. these new checks have been spent on me... no more we. spending everything i have to feed into this material life you lead. watching us both spend our last just to have. now we have nothing to show for it.

i got to experience my favorite healing song live and hugged her. i cried and hugged Loony, actually lol. and found a new favorite song and artist at that show as well. met some cool people and forgot i went alone. crazy.

speaking of... all of my favorite songs lately, don't give me daydreams of you anymore. i've officially trained myself to pull myself out of it before thoughts of the past start moving in like dark clouds out a bright day.

ha! a bright day! me refering to my brain as a fucking bright day. knowing this time last year, i was attending a class at the hospital with the bumpy sock brigade discussing how to apologize to our loved ones about trying to [redacted].

things werent always connected to you. i felt like i was losing left and right at first. i lost my grampa days after you and i split. i ended up reconnecting with my father's side of the family.

i've tackled so many difficult things. my ADHD. peeling off the shame and getting help instead of allowing my imbalance debilitate me.

i fell in love again. can you believe it? i feel in love again. and i realized it for the first time today. i sung a sound i had heard 1000 times (blindly and halfway through) a completely different way & immediately knew. not just because it was how i felt, but because i knew it was exactly how he felt. no guessing, no hiding, a bare genuinely love. he loves his family, his friends, and he celebrates love with them constantly.

i went to my first engagement party as a plus one and a part of a family. never did i think. first wedding in my twenties & maybe frank ocean was on to something.

God is so good. all these pieces of joy, untouched.

my mother doesn't wear worry on her face when she looks at me. she knows she's not watching her baby walk into a lion's den to have her spirit ravished anymore.

i listen the first time when God shows me. i don't ignore that discomfort and discernment anymore cause validation comes from the power he gives me. he shows me what i can do for myself daily. and i feel comfort in our conversations. i speak to God and about God in public. you didnt help me find him, i never lost him. but found the relationship with him, not the "relationship with him to save us" kinda way.

[hbjsoulections]

maron.

you are my good thing.

you have always been.

it's funny how Go dbe working sometimes.

as soon as i finally let go from what

he has been trying to yank from me for

4 years... i find peace.

peace in you.

peace in myself.

i thought i'd never know a world

of feeling safe again.

loved fully, wholly, and entirely.

God is so good.