Did I consent?
So I haven’t slept in over 24 hours, in the past week I’d average about 4-5 hours of sleep a night, if I managed to fall asleep at all. Almost every time I lay down, if it takes more than a minute to fall asleep, I have a panic attack.
I close my eyes and all of a sudden I feel like I’m being pinned to the bed and I start hyperventilating because I feel like I can’t breath. Hell once in awhile I even feel like I'm floating over my body as I’m paralyzed and panicking. I eventually end up sobbing uncontrollably, and if I do calm down enough to fall asleep I have nightmares. Nightmares are the worst, I wish I had dreams more often, the idea of a dream is so foreign to me that It’s hard to conjure one that has happened sometime in the past year. Most of my nightmares are about getting raped, and no one believes me. Or claims “he is such a good guy, he wouldn’t do that to you.”
The thing is... I’m not even sure if I was raped. Or if what happened amongst other things made me feel so violated that I’m terrified that I will be raped. So maybe whomever decides to read this can help me, and if by some miracle someone can help me clear this up I would be so grateful.
A few years ago I was dating this guy, I loved him even though he was selfish, and immature. I generally fell asleep really early and he would come to bed much later. What I remember most vividly is waking up to him on top of me, or inside me. I would be so confused, and maybe in some way that my half asleep brain decided that it was his right so because I didn’t say no or scream I was consenting. The last time I saw him before the breakup, it was my birthday. He gave me a gift and started pushing for sex. I just laid there as he did what he wanted as I cried. At that point in our relationship I felt empty when I was around him. The next time I ran into him after the break-up was at a bar, when I saw him I acted calm until my friends and I were outside, where I proceeded to have a panic attack. I think it was then that I started to think something was wrong. I fell asleep sobbing, not because I missed the man I once loved, but because I felt so violated and raw like it had just happened again. This past summer I woke up to one of my brothers friends on top of me, trying to kiss me and get more out of me than that. I was terrified, but tried to pacify him and let him down gently since I had just gotten out of a different relationship. I was so scared that he wouldn’t leave, that he would hurt me. The thing is I know this person and have a hard time believing that he would ever hurt anyone. But even knowing this I was panicked and when he left I proceeded to have another panic attack.
This past summer was really what brought this all together. I woke up to my moms scream. The man who was visiting us tried to have sex with her while she was sleeping. I proceeded to panic and wake my brother who is bigger than my small 5′2 frame, he grabbed a bat and chased him off. My mom didn’t press charges. I didn’t have a lock on my door. I didn’t sleep for three days because I was so afraid of what I would wake up to in the middle of the night.
Its been 10 months and I still panic and have a hard time going to bed. I failed many of my classes because I was so afraid to walk to school, I can’t think straight enough to write a paper without getting so distracted that I would start feeling like my heart was being compressed. Maybe this next part might seem like a political blow, and it kinda is, but when Trump became president I had something akin to an anxiety attack that lasted a week. I was so afraid, the phrase “if our president can do it,why can’t I” had me on edge and freaking out in so many places. I stopped going to class, and the panic attacks got better for a little while, but then they started up again with a fervor that I couldn’t have prepared for.
At the moment I’m so sleep deprived that I’m seeing things, but I’m still afraid to lay down and snuggle up will cause me to panic. Maybe this post was all about something that people don’t care about. But just writing it makes me feel better, like therapy. Minus the bill. But if anyone can help me clear this up that would be amazing.
