the only person tough enough to kick my ass is me

a chronic illness journal! some good some bad, we move ezuri, she/her, 21

[healingherhope]

ezuri, she/her, 21 - @ezuri6725

this is a blog for me to chronicle my health journey as a person struggling with medical and mental health issues.

i have PCOS, insulin resistance, IBS, depression, OCD, and SPD.

dni: queerphobes, exclusionists, racists, (no)MAPs, fatphobes, thinspo/pro ED.

heavy topics that will be tagged may include but are not limited to:

disordered eating, medical trauma, vents, possible nsfw discussions, mental health issues, etc.

please know your limits and be safe.

-

things to note:

tone indicators are much appreciated, I have a hard time reading tone over text

this blog will be semi-active

I am not a medical professional. I only have my experience with these things and I can provide my opinion, but please see a medical professional for your health. I’m just a blog on tumblr.

I won’t share personal information but i will share things about my experience and how my life is impacted by these things. questions are fine, but they will be answered at my discretion

I am new to the community, recent diagnoses have pushed me to look into it and share my experience. If I do something wrong, break a DNI, you need something tagged, please let me know

my taglist will be under the cut. block if needed.

tags

#ezuri speaks- text posts that I have made or commented on

#stat boost- status updates/journal entries

#ezuri scribbles- journal entries/art posts

#food journal- food related posts, trying new recipes, cooking tips

#navigating the clouds- mental health discussion

#med- medicines/medical talk

#vdia- (nsfw) may include mentions/discussion of sexual topics, body functions, bathroom talk, etc

#vents- self explanatory

#sky- friends/moots

[healingherhope]

Another thing I’ve been thinking about recently are the meaning of the words I tend to use- especially in stressful situations

I’ve made a list

And I won’t share them here- probably not yet

But when I journal or talk about situations to myself I’ve started to notice patterns of how I process things and how I section things out

It’s very interesting to look back on

This in itself is like a journal for me but I won’t get into personal things as much- esp emotional things bc I don’t wanna put that on as big of a platform? Especially when it involves struggles with people in my life, my parents, school, etc

That’s something I need to work through on my own and preferably not broadcast xd

But! I will still journal here

I think it’s a very useful tool and even though I’m not speaking to any one but myself here

It feels good to type this stuff out and just have it be here! for reflection and progress

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my physical and mental progress

And how those two are so deeply intertwined, especially like

How anxiety manifests for me physically

That’s something I’ll get into in another post! Maybe later

[healingherhope]

I also need to post here more often I like. Haven’t been on this blog in ages so to the five people that follow me. Hello xd

[healingherhope]

when people step out of your life

or at least in my life

I tend to hope I left a positive impact along the way

That they leave and can at least take something away- even if it’s something small.

I don’t tend to be the one to leave, even if it is necessary

I have so much love and hope in my heart, especially for those who choose to exit the road

I hope that their journey continues to be fruitful

And although it was painful for both of us, I do hope that at least something in our time together was positive or that they can think about it fondly

Especially when someone has been in your life for a long time, it can be hard to continue a routine without them, but I’m moving day by day and continuing down my own road

And I hope they can continue theirs

[ginge-bread]

September is PCOS Awareness month, and I'd like to point out some of the many symptoms people with PCOS deal with everyday...

moon face

excessive body hair, arm, chests, back, face, legs and buttocks

irregular periods

painful periods

extremely heavy periods

constant bloating

mood swings

struggle to lose weight

struggle to gain weight

food cravings

high cholesterol

insulin resistance

oily skin

acne

insomnia

fatigue

sleep apnea

depression

anxiety

tubular breasts

dark and sensitive underarms

skin tags

belly fat

high testosterone

excessive hair loss

thinning hair

pelvic pain

infertility

ovarian cysts

And so much more, as well as having to struggle to even find a doctor who will take any of our symptoms and pain seriously. The medical industry needs to take better care of women, intersex and trans folks with PCOS and Endometriosis.

Our pains are real and we deserve better.

[healingherhope]

don’t you hate when your stomach is sick all the time and it never stops and you feel bloated and awful and gross

[healingherhope]

I’m not good at talking to people

I wish i was better

I wish I remembered to reply or say things

But I often get distracted or am too caught up in my own head to do so

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by anxiety when someone doesn’t respond fast and it’s a two way street because I’m sure I make others feel like that too

I left one of my good friends unreplied to for like a week and we don’t text often so he prob thought I hated him or smth

I just forgot to read the message

I’m very forgetful

[healingherhope]

I fuck everything up istg

[feelingsoftheday]

I don’t know how many times i survived myself without telling anyone.

[healingherhope]

I hate being scared of my own body but I am

I am terrified of what is happening to me

I’m terrified of what this means

Having your perception distorted because your vision is blurry and you’re lightheaded when you’ve done *nothing* wrong is so fucking scary

I literally think I’m lightheaded because I’m having a heavy period and I’m losing blood

Or is this just psychosomatic? Is my body creating pain and symptoms because I want to believe something is wrong? And then I spiral further? Who the fuck knows! I’m so scared

And I’m so young

This shouldn’t be happening to me

But it is and it’s so scary

Nothing is wrong with me! Except my pre-existing conditions getting worse. Every day I’m reminded that I’m unhealthy and I’m slowly killing myself from the inside out while my coping mechanisms only make it worse

And every day I get more stressed about it. When will I learn? Probably never.

My vision is blurry and I can’t tell if it’s from high blood sugar because of too much coffee creamer or from strain on my body. I’m so tired

And so scared

[healingherhope]

fun ocd things that have resurfaced since I got back to college (a non-comprehensive list)

even though I have been alive for 19 years and I know how locks on doors work, I still have to lock and unlock the door several times to make sure I actually locked it

did I actually remove the K-Cup from the coffee machine?

are the blinds actually closed. can people see me changing from behind the giant tree blocking my window with the blinds all the way closed? Let’s go outside to check at least twice a day

do they hate me. they don’t hate me! but what if they do

guys what if they hate me

guys.

oh my god WHY CANT I GET OVER MY CRUSH

obsessing over the trash but also forgetting to take the trash out

did I remember to apologize to my roommate about that one thing in my dream that I would never do in real life?

never getting over everything ever and refusing to tell my therapist about it because we don’t want her perception of me to change

being perceived? nah

obsessing over my weight but also never going to the gym when I totally could

putting all of my self worth into what a couple people think about me but also being hurt by literally everything ever and being a fragile little baby about anything that includes feelings

also I’m eating so much sugar dammit

[healingherhope]

when you finally get rid of a bad compulsion and instantly pick up another one

[healingherhope]

My Doctors appt went well. I was so nervous for it but it was a lot better going by myself

I felt much more comfortable talking to him this time

And he even commented on it (saying that it was weird my parents weren't there) he treated me like an actual adult this time?? Whaaaat?

Anyway. I haven't lost any weight but i stayed the same

Which is good considering I gained seven pounds, which means I lost it all again! So I still count that as a win

Im gonna keep trying and working towards my goal, but I feel proud of myself

Gonna keep working hard 💪

[healingherhope]

cw: disordered eating

my thoughts are getting worse every day

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I considered taking laxitives so I could lose more weight by tomorrows appointment

(I’m supposed to lose 4-8 lbs between appointments and I haven’t lost any weight nearly. I’m even worried I gained.)

I ended up taking a stool softener. Which isn’t inherently bad, bc I was constipated but

It just occurred to me that those thoughts aren’t normal and downright dangerous a little

I’m going to my appt alone for the first time. It’s a long way away

I’m worried I’ll have a breakdown on the drive back or smth

Luckily I don’t have work but I’m just worried. I don’t feel good after these appointments and my mood and health has been all over the place.

I just am a lot worse than I thought I guess

[healingherhope]

I did not just get a sponsored ad to work at a rehab center

babe what are you trying to tell me

[healingherhope]

scared to go back to the doctor and face how much weight I’ve gained

going back to the weight loss doctor

and having to show him I’m a failure

and the medicine he put me on makes me feel sick every single day but I’m considering going on a higher dose just so I can stop having cravings

just so I can follow the rules

I gained like 7 pounds back

and today I still had three breadsticks and a sandwich when I’m not allowed to have carbs

lying on my food charts doesn’t feel good but having someone disappointed in me feels worse

[healingherhope]

when the vertigo hits and you feel like you’re an astronaut slowly spinning around zero gravity but you haven’t moved an inch