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One Nice Bug Per Day
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Jules of Nature

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@heartstringsandprecogthings-blog
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Anxiety and science
The best visual I have to describe it is that my head has been like a lottery barrel, one of those rotating baskets with a crank where the attendant periodically reaches in and grabs one for the audience. The kinetic energy of the tumbling balls generates anxiety. Intellectual stimulation is like a blanket in the barrel: there to absorb the energy. For me, that stimulation that works best is scientific research. Biology. Natural sciences. Without thst route available to me, I've been shoving other intellectual stimulation in there: particularly interesting or challenging people or relationships. A dangerous game, though, because people aren't puzzles for me to figure out. I need to give them their privacy. Also because people will not be consistently available. When they are not available, the blanket is gone, and all the kinetic anxiety attaches onto that relationship, associates with that person. Not good. As I have been struggling with my mental health lately, I realize that I need to get this brain o mine back into science before I ~alienate everyone~.
I found a love note while cleaning out my phone
If I die in my sleep, know that I love you. My love is so perfect(don't laugh, it is true) that it can be anything. It can be romance. It can be silence. It can be comfort. It can be waiting. It can be adventure. Know that I loved you to the extent that I could love a person. I know that this flexibility in my love is possibly a defense mechanism. I defend against the hurt by loving more intensely, challenging it to be able to fit whatever contextual vessel it might. I am in love with you.
Linger
You sit in their empty room and see the dust in the corners for the first time, the ridge on the carpet that outlines where their bed used to be. Three days later, a new person moves in. This system of human renewal, like clockwork, spins a new space out of this person's possessions. They move their furniture in, but it's all wrong. The bed is wrong, the dresser is wrong, the walls are covered in the wrong paintings. Where there were pictures of beaches there are posters of bands. Where there was a potted palm there is a lamp. The smell is wrong. It smells like this new person, and like their shower products and dust. It doesn't smell like YOUR person anymore. You tell yourself that, if you smelled their smell, you would be able to recognize it immediately. You are so sure. You spend nights on the cusp of sleep, clinging to a fragrance that you can't remember, clinging to a memory of something that your brain is not made to remember. You swear that if you concentrate hard enough in that suspended split second on the precipice of sleep, before you tumble into a dream, that their scent lingers.
Passion?
My love for you is not a fire. It does not consume, it does not burn me, it does not sweep across me and leave ash in its path. Fire is impatient and steals the breath of its creatures. My love for you is like water. It is calm, it is a placid pool. It fills me, it envelops me, it welcomes the body that wades into it and leaves them untouched on the other side. Water is patient.
From Robyn Hitchcock's "if death is not the end"
Life is what kills you in the end And I can cry But you won't be there to be sorry You were made of life For ever we did not exist We woke and for a second kissed
overwhelmed
Inside me there is a little black tea cup sitting in a dark room. The room has no edges, no walls. If you walk off in one direction, you will look over your shoulder to find that you can still see the faint outline of the tea cup on the ground behind you. If you try to pick up the tea cup, you will find that it is rooted to the floor. If you pour a cup of water into the tea cup, and another, and then another, you will not fill it.
Sometimes when I cry, or when I smile, the room starts raining. I feel the weight of the water resting inside me; I drag my feet, and I am grounded. Time passes, it all drains out through the tea cup, and I am empty.
A word dump
I wrote a note to myself: "Be patient. Observe. Don't push. Don't intrude." I found it the other day. Along with "when I see him, approaching me, I feel sick. I feel quick -- go slow -- And I won't and I can't and I shouldn't -- be patient -- " "And when you decide to find me I will have dragons on my arm and recognition in my eyes. I am fast in my love and my worry. You are here, full of promises and intrigue, And I must chose my words carefully. "
alone time
I am like writing in the rain. I am the sacrilegious pen. I am a determined, wandering heart. I am the storm that catches you on your walk home. I am the hunger you cannot abate. I am a voyeur and a thief. I am the knot of wood that makes the varnish bubble. I am the curve of a back under the touch of a hand. And then I am a smile. I can feel you aching to turn your head and look at me, smiling at you. I can see your pleasure through the back of your head. I’ll break you. You fear me.
Days like these remind me that I like to be alone.
I found out that I want to be close to you...
So baby let’s go dancing, I’ll laugh and spin and close my eyes. Baby, let’s go dancing and grab each other’s hands for the twirls. Baby, let’s go dancing and would you mind if I called you baby? You’re right, it is weird! I must have picked it up somewhere. So I’ll call you You, if I may, and you can call on me, and we can unravel each other and tie up some knots and collect our messy bundles and sit on a dirty hill somewhere and be cold but not too cold and roll down the hill laughing and dirty and You, won’t You come home with me?
The only two pics worth showing from tonight. They turned out SO SURPRISINGLY GOOD!!
Can’t wait for the OTGW shoot tomorrow!
Ours will not be this good
can we just talk about when people leave? I feel like I am becoming more and more like a piece of swiss cheese... a crazy giant swiss cheese slice that is forever expanding because love is endless and all, but the loves that are far or gone or hard to reach are holes and I am filling up with holes.
But that metaphor kinda sucks, too, because when I do see them again everything is perfect and wonderful. Cheese probably isn’t like that. You can’t uncheese cheese and then recheese it again.
I am so full o’ feelings but worried I would be annoying people because lets face it if I talked about this fancy lad all the times that I thought so powerfully about him I would break people’s ears.
xoxo
Just Beginnings
In my folder of creative work I found a bunch of sketches and outlines of stories I hope to write some day. I also found a bunch of intriguing beginnings, just intro scenes or premises really.
1. “Grrrr you’re too perfect!” He snarls and play bites the cap of her shoulder. She squeaks and pokes her pinky into his left dimple. He releases her shoulder and pulls her into the curve of his body. Sleepy Sunday morning. “Don’t spoil me like that, you tyrant.” Her cold big toe trails down the length of his leg that she can reach. His skin rises in a field of goosebumps and he snuggles in closer, holding her small body tightly against his, feeling the warmth of her skin through their pajama shirts.
2. He was sure he would get fired. No question about it, as soon as he asked her if she’d like to come over, he’d earn that familiar look of repugnance and she would fire his ass on the spot. Could she even fire people? Or maybe only Jack could fire people. Maybe she would just call Jack over and have him fire his ass on the spot. He was only a lowly mummy after all. She was a princess. She’d been around for less time than he had, for sure, but she had risen in power ever since she shower up. He only ever laid around in a sarcophagus and occasionally made WooOoooOoo sounds at naive passersby. She would do her demure princess-wave at onlookers, carrying quaint conversations with them, throwing her head back with laughter, flashing her sharp smile with a face unadulterated by bandages. Her sarcophagus was an immobile carriage made of aluminum spray painted gold, in front of a facade of a brilliant party
3. You’re not supposed to become friends. the proving ground will favor you, hide you, help you. but nobody has tried that before. Shapeshifters and the proving grounds
4.She jumps through mirrors. Every time she is terrified, she jumps through a mirror and is suddenly in another setting that is just slightly better than the first. She gets into this habit, and finds that she will jump through a mirror at just the slightest discomfort or even boredom. It is revealed to her later that every time she leaves one setting, the timeline and world contained therein collapses slowly, crumbling, killing every living thing inside it. She is the structural support of the universe that keeps them alive. as soon as she jumps into a new one, it is brought to life, built up around her like a circus tent around the center pole. good things in her life will become missing sometimes in the next world. Everything may be brighter, cleaner, safer, but she doesn’t have her favorite dress. Or one of her siblings. Or her highschool crush. Or her cat. Or her lover. Or her own sanity. It devolves.
5. (My favorite because it was called “ASTRAL PROJECTIONS, TONY!” and is just insane) Tony and Terry would play ball together in the alleyway between their two houses. When I say play ball, I mean they would turn a ball over in their tiny hands and discuss whether its properties were universal truths, as seven year old boys are wont to do.It was lucky that Alexander Graham Bell invented the apigmatic laser when he did, otherwise involuted tesseractic houses would have probably taken a hundred years or more to develop!
TW: death and grief
Last week, we lost one of our best mates, our compassionate and radiant Mark. It felt like a mistake, like I would get a text from him any minute apologizing for the mix up. Even seeing the site, seeing the ghost bike that was set up in his honor, even seeing the caution tape that had marked the scene, didn’t really help make it seem more real. But it has all added up, and where at first I refused to believe it every minute, now it is every few hours.
In my dreams we are hanging out, watching movies, making funny faces in mirrors, and I had to tell him he is dead. Neither of us believed me.
Because I can still hear his laugh, I can still feel his hands, I can still see his smile, I can still see the nasty scar on his leg, I can still laugh with him about the fact that we have never successfully hugged without getting my hair caught in his spiral earring.
I want to go back, tell him how much he means to me, cover him in kisses one last time. So now I am going to teach myself to ride a bike. I’m gong to miss him so much, and in honor of him I will remember to always pay it forward.
Bored on a storage shift but someone was tossing a jacket and it is mine now :) Also wtf portland, a creepy blue baby with leaf and feather wings in a car
Kaya kisses, Kanye herodotones, flowers, frisbee haus, and too many cooks