Midnight Serenades

[hechoenpilsen]

there is a list of things I need/want to do that continues to grow and once i start something i loose focus b/c i want to work on something else too. idk how to stop this vicious cycle. I am doing it now. Still haven't written my paper & school starts in a month. I need to choose a mentor but don’t really feel like I’ve made a connection worth  choosing. I hate this place. The place of uncertainty. 

I am so close to finishing. Close to starting something new and yet it feels harder as it gets closer. Fearful and nervous that things will go sour/ maybe lead to nowhere. And that this all was a waste of time. 

[hechoenpilsen]

I come here sometimes to visit the past. 

I really know how to hurt myself. 

[hechoenpilsen]

*sigh*

 this place warms my soul. it reminds me to love myself after i’ve neglected myself for sometime  

 ...really be reminded  that I am capable of creating/expressing in my own language

[hechoenpilsen]

experiencing the lowest of insecurities

spontaneously summoned

I hate myself

Others

rn

All this anger and wanting to diffuse the fire i can’t control.

sucks

And it is the most painful to work through

the sun has been missing my bed and

I need water desperately

Save me

[hechoenpilsen]

idk how to get through this or feel about this impregnated sadness. While carrying on a home, school and work life. I’m mad at everyone and myself. I pray for reflection that can calm these salty seas and bring clarity. 

[hechoenpilsen]

It’s overwhelming, this great force of doubt and bits of feeling lonely when internally. I wale for affection for affirmation for a hug so tight. I want to feel well and I want this thing to feel right. I am forgetting to love myself.

[hechoenpilsen]

Downloading my readings for the upcoming week. Trying strongly to get it right. The WiFi goes out. It suddenly feels like opposing strengths. Can’t get my way even if I try. pounding on this springed mattress I cry, I cry out of frustration, I cry that I’m not perfect, I cry b/c maybe this is just too much for me to handle...

I come back from picking up Wing Stop and everything is working again.

This is life.

[hechoenpilsen]

Devotion

Sometimes I’m terrified of what’s ahead. Of change that can hurt others. Of change that I may regret. I cry in bathrooms like they’re emotional shelters/confession booths. Act like its all okay. I may believe it if I say it enough. 

[hechoenpilsen]

For someone to think of me as a possible forever, it has me reminiscent of the time someone didnt even want to stay faithful in commitment. I want to believe in partnership and an always manifesting love. I want to allow myself this journey w/o the fear of a distant pastime

[hechoenpilsen]

Se sinte tan rico llorar

Quisiera amarte como amo la calentura del sol, 

se me enchina la piel 

caminar sin destino nomas para pasarla con tigo 

me despadazo poco a poco ver te sin mi, mano a mano yo se que te extraño pero mi corazón no lo permite, mis heridas muy tiernas 

me odio a mi misma por sentirme tan sola en tu calor 

[hechoenpilsen]

In any photo I find of you I cannot see your eyes. I cannot gaze into your eyes. Your sleepy sunken eyes. & your hypnotizing sadness.

[hechoenpilsen]

Craving a heat near mine w/o complication.

[hechoenpilsen]

What kind of shit is this hahaha why do I indulge myself in this feeling hahaha of disappointment, this feeling of pain and embarrassment. Like I like being your fool. Another face I have to program myself to despise. You're the subject I like to avoid and drink about all at the same time.

[hechoenpilsen]

"...the safety of aloneness."

[hechoenpilsen]

The solitary moments I get to myself I tend to find a way to fuck myself up. Wandering my open tabs of all the webpages you own and how I hope to be tender to you again. Fuck I miss you. I’ve been avoiding this feeling at all cost. I’ve been pushing the thoughts of you outta my mind. When I think of you i say “fuck him” to avoid the goodness we shared. I cannot have you back. Not rn, not like this. Be good.

[hechoenpilsen]

11/11/16

I hope he wakes up w a massive hang over and little hope to live 🙄

[hechoenpilsen]

Flirting in multiple directions makes me feel less loyal than I'd like to think I am. But I remind myself that I belong to no one but myself at the moment...I feel guilty b/c of the times I've been pushed aside for someone else. Makes me feel shitty. But I do what I want.