In 2010, all I wanted was to be a part of TGWTG. I remember seeing if I could be an article writer or something small to get my foot in the door with the site. I just remember it meaning so much to me, if I could just be a part of this group of producers who seemed to love each other and have fun with this medium of video reviews. Eventually, I did get on the site by doing short little let’s plays with Paw. But I remember not really knowing anyone on the site. I don’t find myself to be a shy person at all, but for whatever reason, I had a hard time talking to people. I remember Justin getting a hold of me via facebook. He sent me a warm welcome, added me to skype no questions asked, and was in general, very upbeat and friendly.
We got to be friends. I met him in real life at Magfest 9, 2011. I remember being terrified of just about everything. It was my first time being on a panel, my first time meeting other producers, and my first time as a personality that people recognized. When I met Justin, his face literally lit up, and even though we had never met, he was so happy to meet me, and insisted I take a picture. I bitched about it in classic Roses “Oh come on, don’t take my fucking picture. Oh FINE. Take it.” I saw the picture later and thought, “Oh man, that’s a lovely picture! I’m glad I took that. ARE MY GLASSES CROOKED? Oh well.”
Around the middle of 2011 to mid 2012, something in me seriously started to snap, and I found myself having a hard time. Despite my feelings, I decided to go to E3. Unsurprisingly, I was miserable. I was crying a lot. Justin called me and consoled me while I was in my in my hotel room. I met up with him on the floor, near tears, and he invited me to spend the day with him, Mark, and Samantha. He made my E3 experience tolerable. He made sure to not leave T-Bone and myself out of anything. The next day, we went to the arcade and we had a ball. He knew I was feeling glum, and honestly, I was probably a complete and utter drag at E3, but he made it something I could get through.
After a longish hiatus from the internet (a hiatus in which I worked hard to recover from my own suicide attempts), I slowly let people back into my life. Justin was one of the first. We talked a lot about what had happened. About how I felt shunned, unloved, like a failure, but I assured him that I had come back and that I was going to change my life, come hell or high water. Sometimes, he would respond with “I know how you feel, Roses…” But he was always more concerned about my well being than his own, and more often than not, he would not elaborate on his feelings. But he would continually check up on me to make sure I was still on the right path, and he passed no judgement on me. Because he was just not that type of person. In fact, I would go as far to say that Justin was the least judgmental person I had ever met.
Sometimes we commiserated together. General feelings of not fitting in. But he always spoke with hope and confidence, and he never gave me any indication that there was something darker underneath. But looking back now, I can’t help but feel angry and overwhelmed. Remembering him saying he wanted to keep me around, and now knowing that I can’t be there for him is about the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I knew some things brought him down, but I never thought it could lead to something so severe. I know that feeling right before you consider taking your life. That feeling of not having a way out. Of complete and under pain and worthlessness, and when I think about it, I feel like throwing up. Justin… you were loved. I wish I could have made you feel the way you made me feel when we spoke. I know that it’s irrational to dwell on the past, but I can’t help but feel angry. Not at Justin. Just at the situation.
So I offer everyone this: don’t take anyone for granted. And never, ever accuse someone’s problems of being dumb, or not worth discussing. We all react to things different, and we are all affected by different things. Do not ever brush things off. Trivial things are sometimes more important than you think. Holding onto grudges and stupid…stupid arguments. Why? There’s no point. There’s more to life than that. We’re all people, here. We’re all trying to find something to make us happy in this life together. Tell someone you love them. That could make a difference. That could change someone’s mind.
My love and sympathies go out to anyone feeling low and fucked up. I know I am feeling about a million different ways of fucked up right now. But I know it will get better, too. And I will always remember Justin as a hopeful person who reminded me of why I came back, and why I started befriended people again. Because people are worth befriending. And people are worth your time.
baratheonpilled
gummygunk
andulkaphoto
janainaart
discoholicmusic
