helena survives

• i write to survive • 22 • she/her • queer • is this poetry or prose? who knows. not me • credit/tag me in insta/facebook/etc reposts • linktr.ee

[helenasurvives]

hey new followers! thank you for all your love and support. if you have any inspiration for me, my inbox is open! you can send me:

any 6 words for me to turn into a poem

poem requests (“can you write about...”)

phrases or line suggestions

questions, comments, jokes, whatever

anything! literally anything i love it all

please don’t send requests in dms! i’ll just redirect you to my ask box. you are of course also welcome to dm me for any reason. it may take me a little while to come up with something fitting for your request but it will get done! as many art/writing/creative blogs do, i really appreciate reblogs! i love you all and can’t wait to hear from you! ♥️

[helenasurvives]

i’m getting into writing again and i’ll probably post more often on ig if you’d like to follow me there <3

[helenasurvives]

i think about hell is other people

while my kitchen floods with music

and warm bodies.

i count the faces of my roommates’ friends

and try to recall their names

even as they smile at me

and call me that cute nickname

coined by someone they never knew.

i think about hell is other people

as a friend grabs my hand

and pulls me to the front porch.

the cold bites through my sweatshirt

and the bowl warms my hands

as it’s passed from person to person

and i think about hell is other people

while my girlfriend’s little sister

fumbles with the lighter.

my ears ring with conversations i didn’t join

and there’s a lump in my throat again

of everything i haven’t said.

i wait for the silence to follow

when i close my bedroom door

but it never comes

and laughter permeates the walls

of our shitty two-story rental.

as i nurse my nicotine

and my head buzzes with tequila

i think about hell is other people

and my cat curls up beside me.

i savor the absence of other people

while i plug in my headphones

and listen to other people sing.

i scroll through my feed

and laugh at other people’s jokes

and i turn on my tv to watch other people

pretending to be other people

and i turn dog-eared pages

that took a stranger years to write

and i wait for notifications from other people

but they never come.

i think about hell is other people

as i read through the study guides

my classmates sent out to one another

and i sit quietly studying in the library

borrowing a stranger’s charger.

as i pack up my things

and walk home alone in the dark

i think about hell is other people

but heaven is not solitude.

i think about a song meant to be listened to

when nobody else is around

and thousands of people

unknowingly listening together

and the artist who wrote it in an empty room

knowing it would be listened to in private.

i think about being alone

and other people being alone

and all the different ways we’ve invented

to hold each other’s hands

without trying to.

i think about hell is other people

but laughter is contagious

and videos of people we’ve never met

can make us cry.

i think about wanting to be alone

but taking other people with me anyway.

i think about hell is other people

except one person who could never be hell

not even if they tried.

i think about people and friends and family

and strangers who feel like family

and strangers who don’t.

i think about hell is other people

and i loved her to the point of invention

and i hope you never have to think about

anything as much as i think about you

and a few thousand years of people

who liked to be alone

but were never lonely.

[helenasurvives]

Anyway, queer is still used as a slur and you’re a piece of of shit. ❤️

hi babe! learn to read ♥️

[helenasurvives]

Hey hon, you haven't posted in a while. Hoping you're okay <3

yeah, my bad lol. hi everyone, sorry if i scared any of you lol. i’m perfectly fine, just had a lot going on. i’m all settled in to my new apartment and my college classes have been going well so i’m hoping to be writing poems again soon. what have u guys been up to?

[helenasurvives]

old people on tumblr will start an argument over a post they didn’t even read because they’re older than you and therefore more knowledgeable but then get pissy when you stop being polite, as if we’re having a light conversation over cucumber sandwiches at the senior center and not on tumblr dot com, where i can do whatever i want

[helenasurvives]

lmao christ you 101% sound like one of those ""queer women"" who calls herself gay because women are like, so pretty and soft uwu and yet is repulsed by the thought of eating pussy 😭 I'm glad you have solidarity with het kinksters who think BDSM makes them queer, but some of us are actually homosexual, Becky

this is such an intriguing take! i would love to hear more but unfortunately i’m busy fucking your mom. we eloped last night in a beautiful vegas ceremony and we’re on our honeymoon in the maldives. anyways i’m elbow deep rn but you’re grounded and we will have a discussion in depth (haha) when your mother and i get home

[helenasurvives]

queer is literally a slur. like you’ve never been called that in a derogatory context like most lgbt people? you think your experiences escaping homophobia make it okay to justify the use of a homophobic slur?

queer is an identity.

it has also been used as a slur. there is no denying that. but using a word as a slur does not make it a slur. because before queer is a slur it is an identity. before it is derogatory it is a label. the use of queer as an identity is infinitely more important than the use of queer as a slur because the people who identify as queer are infinitely more important than the people who use queer as a slur.

say a lot of people decided they hated me. despised me. were disgusted by me to the point where my own name became a slur. would you tell me not to say it? would you tell me i could no longer be helena, and instead must come up with a euphemism for the name that belonged to me decades before it belonged in the mouths of bigots?

because that would make you an enabler.

you would tell me i can’t say my name anymore because some lowlife decided he could use it to insult me?

you would tell a gay man that he can’t be gay anymore because some teens in the early 2000’s started calling everything they didn’t like “gay”, and now he has to say “same sex oriented male identifying individual”?

does that enrage you? because it should. that’s exactly how you sound.

you are telling me i cannot use my label. you are telling me that when my great-uncle shouted until his face was red and he spat tobacco and the word queer at my feet, he was right. he was right to insult me, and i was wrong to say my name.

you are shitting on every single one of our predecessors. you are slandering every person who fought for their rights to exist and and be tolerated and be celebrated in their countries, every person who was lost to the aids epidemic, every person whose country criminalizes love and gender expression, every child whose parents abandoned them for straying from the norm, every person who was born and will die in the closet longing to be themselves. the queer umbrella is a safety net, a security blanket, the comfort of being known without being pressured to tell. it is near and dear and important as fuck to every member of the lgbt+ community and you are a blight upon the earth you walk.

how dare you speak upon my experiences with homophobia. how dare you disguise your own homophobia as activism. and how fucking dare you have the audacity to come to my blog and hide behind an anonymous ask and preach to me about how i’m oppressing myself. go look at the fucking wikipedia page for queer and read about how 1980s lgbt+ activists, especially lgbt+ people of color, fought to call themselves queer in a world that still hates peculiar things. and here you are forty years later spitting queer back at their feet.

i don’t give a fuck if people start using my name as a slur. my name is still helena. i will not change it. i chose it, i like it, and it belongs to me. it does not belong to bigots no matter how badly they want it. your discomfort with my identity is not my fucking problem.

i am helena. i am queer. die mad & go fuck yourself

[helenasurvives]

it’s pride month babes reblog if you’re queer or if you like frogs

[remy-labelle-purple]

Next anon is going to tell fat people they aren't allowed to call themselves fat don't you know it's a slur that thin people use against fat people.

[solitarelee]

genuinely as a fat queer person this is a good example. do you know how many times fat ppl are told by thin ppl they can’t/shouldn’t call themselves fat, like, oh, no, you’re PLUS SIZED you’re CUDDLY you’re FLUFFY, like, fam, it’s fat. I’m fat. It’s not my body’s fault that you decided a perfectly normal word was an insult. Frankly the way queer ppl and fat ppl have mobilized around their words can be compared as well, as well as the way ppl try to disarm them by giving them more “harmless” or “pleasant” epithets. 

[quacey-blue]

Ok. So this debate is an extremely nuanced issue and I don’t think either side of you are acknowledging that fact.

The truth of the matter is that Queer as a word was used for a long long time to describe bad things.

A quick Google search will confirm this

(The word also has a history of meaning VILE)

But that doesn’t mean you get to scream at people for using the term to decide themselves.

That’s like telling a Pan, Omi, or Polysexual person that their labels are invalid cause their just “bisexual” . Cause it doesn’t work like that. And cause they aren’t bisexual, bisexual (while related) is it’s own identity.

Non-binary, Agender, and Gender Queer are all their own identities (granted there can be overlap) but that doesn’t make any of them any less vaild.

That being said, people who get offended by people calling them or the whole community in general “Queer” are also vaild because they have likely had this term used to degrade and attack them or simply don’t want to be called weird cause really the goal of the LGBTQIA+ movement is so that we ARENT considered weird, or strange, or sinful outcasts in society.

We want who we are to be normalized so useing a term like to describe all of us is again separating us from the rest off society and labeling us as weird.

Whether you intend to do it or not that’s is what you are doing when you label the community that way.

TLDR: queer individuals are amazing and vaild people who do not deserved to be attacked over their identity

And don’t use Queer as an umbrella term cause it pushes back the progress we are striving for and can hurt people.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT and feel free to debate me in the comments I’d love to hear what you have to say!

(Also just as a rule of thumb, if a cis-straight person calls you queer and you yourself do not identify as such.... yeeeah that’s a slur and you should explain this to them THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT)

[quacey-blue]

Also you can’t link Fat and Queer cause while Fat is used as a bad word by idoits and the media alike,

The word doesn’t actually have a negative connotation. It just means.. big.

And yeah being called that can be hurtful but it’s just a neutral descriptive term.

[helenasurvives]

you are so, SO close to understanding this. let me try:

while queer is used as a bad word by idiots and the media alike, the word doesn’t actually have a negative connotation. it just means…different/odd/out of the ordinary/unusual.

while a word that means different/odd/out of the ordinary/unusual can feel hurtful or insulting, there are a few things to keep in mind:

1) different/odd/out of the ordinary/unusual are just neutral descriptive terms that we have been conditioned into believing are negative

2) the lgbt+ community makes up a very small percentage of the population. if allocishet is the norm, than any variation of that is…abnormal, unusual, different, odd, out of the ordinary.

as a fat queer person i have to disagree with your stance on their similarities. they are remarkably similar. because both are neutral descriptive words used by their respective communities, both are used as insults against those communities, both have a horde of euphemisms made up by well-meaning people that feel more insulting than just using the goddamn neutral term. but i don’t see anyone telling fat people they aren’t allowed to call themselves fat.

queer was used to mean those things way before it was used to describe us. and when we decided it applied to us, homophobes immediately tried to take it away. the birth of queer as a term for the lgbt+ community directly coincides with the beginning of the use of queer as a slur, because they did not want us to have it.

to all the self-absorbed, entitled preachers in my notes who think they’re obligated to educate me: stop telling me what words i can and can’t use to describe myself. stop throwing scenarios at me in which an allocishet person is calling me queer derogatorily and telling me queer is a slur in that context because i know. i said that queer is used as a slur in the first sentence of this post and i also graciously provided my own scenario wherein i was called queer derogatorily. stop correcting me, stop coming up with more examples, stop acting like you have the right to tell me i can’t reclaim my own goddamn words. what other communities are you ruling over? tell me, how do you decide which communities can reclaim their slurs and which can’t? are you badgering jewish people, black people, chinese people, disabled people, etc. over reclaimed slurs just because you don’t like those words?

this post is not an invitation to argue with me. it is not me saying i am uneducated and ignorant and begging for someone to correct me. before you come on to my account to say some shit i have heard ten times already, take a half hour of your goddamn time to do some real fucking research. take a peek at word origins and usages over time and how definitions evolve instead of arguing the semantics or implications or whatever the fuck you want to call your circular logic. can you all just shut the fuck up and pull out your 10th grade english classics reading list and draw a tally mark every time the word queer is used to describe an interesting and unusual circumstance. you spend all fucking day reading stupid tumblr posts but you can’t do thirty minutes of research before you spout some stupid bullshit in my general direction?

it floors me that you’ll take time out of your day to berate me over what words i use for myself and consider it time well spent when there are literal nazis, terfs, racists, homophobes, islamophobes, transphobes, and other genuinely disgusting people just a few clicks away peacefully perusing their dashboards. go cyberbully them if you actually want to make some sort of a difference. why are you actively trying to divide our community when that is exactly what homophobes want you to do?

for the last goddamn time. i know queer is used as a slur. i know some lgbt+ people do not like being called queer and i respect that. but queer is not exclusively a slur, and even if it was, it would still be my goddamn slur to reclaim. because guess what? i’m queer!! whether or not queer is a slur is irrelevant if i’m using it to describe myself. but it’s not. and i’m queer. shut up already

[helenasurvives]

Hey so I just found your blog from a reblog of your reclaiming queer post. I'm literally in awe of your talent and eternally jealous of writers like you who can make prose sound like poetry (even when it's a justifiably angry response to an asinine comment). I know impostor syndrome is a b*tch but I hope you can slay that b*tch and publish your words one day because they are like liquid gold, both heartbreaking and heartwarming and I just want to keep reading more.

i love you and i appreciate this so much you have no idea. i’m happy to have you here and i hope you stay a while! i’ll put on some tea :)

[helenasurvives]

Hiya new follower. Just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you stood up for yourself (I saw the Anon queer ask) and I'm glad you are proud to be who you are. Not alot of people can do that so I was very very pleased to see a douchebag coward put in their place. Have 🍪 and have a great day

thank you darling!! i try to be authentic when i can. i know there are some young impressionable people on here so to them i say: fuck bitches, be gay & do crime. also fuck the “take the high road” bs that people try to feed u all the time. u don’t need to be polite to someone who’s being a dick. get low like shawty with the apple bottom jeans and hit them where it hurts. hit ur bullies with the uno reverse card. there are no rules. that’s how we survive. anyways thank you for the cookie have a nice day

[helenasurvives]

You must be getting a lot of compliments on that queer identity answer and I would like to pile on cause it's such a powerful piece. Every word is like a step a cheer in a pride march. It's so powerful it burns with beauty. May you have a wonderful day

thank you beautiful!! you too. i march with you :)

[helenasurvives]

hang on i thought queer was a slur, and it has been reclaimed by some? just not all of the lgbt community? /gen

i’m not sure exactly when it sprang up or whether it began as an insult or a descriptive, but about 50ish years ago when the lgbt+ community really started advocating for themselves and fighting for their rights, visibility, respect, etc., “queer” was a huge part of it. it was the word of choice back then because it worked. it means out of the ordinary, which basically covered everything they were looking to include. thus sprang up “queer community”, “queer folk”, “queer studies”. if “queer” ever was more a slur than a description, that was a long time ago. of course if it makes you uncomfortable nobody’s going to force you to reclaim it, but my initial point was that is up to the individual. if i want to reclaim it that’s my business and if you don’t want to thats your business and all that. i hope this helps :)

[helenasurvives]

hi! i just wanted to say i was scrolling through your blog and came across an anon asking if you would ever publish a book, and you seemed like you couldn't quite believe someone had said that. your writing is MORE than good enough to go in a book and MORE than worthy of publication. i'm astonished and delighted that i get to read it on this website for free. keep writing and keep surviving.

truly heartwarming to hear this, wow. i think most writers tend to underestimate their own skills and quite honestly i think what you said is true for most of writeblr as well. thank you for this. i might have to actually consider it now. thank you. keep surviving. we got this

[helenasurvives]

hey!! I’m a new follower of yours so in response to your pinned post, can you write a poem about restlessness? as for suggesting 6 words as inspiration: wreath, agony, wrath, wraith, love-ridden, and daydream.

i spend my days struggling to see

through the redness creeping in

from the corners of my eyes,

can’t keep them open to save my life

and with each drawn out blink

my muscles beg for sleep.

i spend my tired days waiting

for the restful nights

that will come one day

i tell myself they have to

but i also say

just because they have to

doesn’t mean they will.

i wear my weariness around my neck

and after all this time

it’s less of a necklace

and more of a wreath of stones,

it’s less of a weariness

and more of nameless agony.

i daydream of night dreams

but when night comes

i can’t dream at all.

i stare at my ceiling

and wonder what i’ve done

to earn the wrath of hypnos

and i feel the restlessness

yearning within me

for something more,

something undiscovered and far away,

love-ridden escapades

and bare feet on a mountain,

numbingly cold ocean waves

that crust my skin with salt,

i glimpse a wraith of who i was

and i wish those things upon her

even though i know her future;

soon she’ll have to decide

between daydreams and night dreams

only to realize she can’t have

either.

[amygdalae]

i know ppls opinions on reclaiming “queer” vary a lot (and thats fine–personally i dont really have a problem w people reclaiming but only as long as they respect a lotta people dont wanna be called that) but i really think its gross as fuck when big companies and corporations try to use that word for like. marketing and merchandising shit. like uh hey fuck you brand who said u could do that. gettin a bit too buddy-buddy with the rainbow capitalism there

[slashrawr]

I am old enough and spent enough time in RL queer spaces that the first time I heard some radfem gold-star lesbian try the “queer is a slur” thing in a gay bar the guy picking up his drink next to her responded “Well they don’t call it ‘fag studies’ do they?” and laughed. And I remember him every time this shit crosses my dash.

Queer has been reclaimed since the goddamn ‘60s. Queer has also been the academic term for “anything to do with LGBTQIA+” for decades. My college in the ‘00s offered both a “Queer Film Theory” course and a “Queering the Literature” course, for Film and English majors respectively.

Businesses aren’t calling you queer because they just learned they can, they’re calling you queer because their marketing playbooks (and senior marketing staff) are TOO OLD for the TERF-led re-slurifying of queer to have hit them yet.

We tried a non-slur umbrella term in MOGAI and the TERFs turned it into a goddamn joke in two seconds flat. They’ve been working on queer for years and at some point you have to realize that it’s not the term that’s the problem, it’s that some people don’t want an umbrella. They want neat, tidy terms they can rigidly define, and an excuse to leave some people out in the rain.

Rainbow capitalism is a PITA and all, but please learn your history, kids.

[feotakahari]

“it’s that some people don’t want an umbrella. They want neat, tidy terms they can rigidly define, and an excuse to leave some people out in the rain.”

Yeah, TERFs aren’t exactly hiding the whole “solidarity is bad and you’re bad for attempting solidarity” thing. They don’t even like bisexuals!

[helenasurvives]

this this this this.

[helenasurvives]

i’ve been following you for a while and i’m always inspired by your work and how you’re able to share your thoughts and feelings so intimately, it keeps me going in my own writing. so thank you for existing 💓

this is so sweet, thank you!! it’s been a long time since i actually checked my inbox so i do apologize for that but i hope you’re doing well ♥️ i’m happy you’re motivated, but remember you will always be a writer whether you take breaks from it or not. lots of love!! kiss kiss :)

[eclipsezine]

Welcome to Eclipse, a digital magazine with a primary focus on literature. We intend on publishing works that amplifies the voices of the timid and stand for equality and justice. Our editors are on the lookout for uncanny writing that speaks truths that are often left unacknowledged.

To submit or read, check out our website

[annlillyjose]

Hey everyone, this is @eclipsezine, the magazine I'd been working on for almost a month now. We are officially live and are collecting submissions for the blog and magazine.

Theme for issue 01 is autopoiesis, so if you have anything that fits, submit to the issue. If your writing does not fit the theme, do not worry. The blog is just for that! Linking the submissions page here.

Please consider boosting this post and also submitting to us. Thank you!

[helenasurvives]

excited about this!!