TW: Disordered eating, food denial as punishment, abuse
Might be grammar issues, I kept switching perspectives/tenses.
I know it's a bit sick, but...
This desire for a hunger/denial dom is clawing it's way to the surface.
You see, the problem is that I'm not stupid. I want to be manipulated and abused, but I don't want to know that I'm being manipulated and abused until it's too late.
It should surface slowly. Little hints that he's a sick fuck slipping out over the course of months.
I love getting high, because it feels like an excuse to act like a dumb bitch. Easily manipulated, walls lowered, slow to react. Like a stupid moth drawn to the feeling of being a victim.
I think most predators would pick up on this pretty quickly.
Because it really just makes sense, doesn't it? Given everything I've told him about my trauma? About my uncle, and my step-dad, and Tyler. Don't forget Tyler.
So this would be a pretty good time for him to start letting the mask slip. Testing the waters. Seeing how easily I give up the reigns.
He'd wait until I'm stoned out of my mind and then attempt to deny me a cookie. The thought makes me cunt clench, which is categorically insane.
If I was sober I would just tell this imaginary dom to fuck right off. But under the influence, I imagine I'd just look up at him in utter confusion and pout.
I'd ask, only to be dismissed with a quick, "You don't need it."
I'd fixate and argue, but he's too quick to pop his thumb into my mouth and urge me to suck.
And now I'm distracted. And subby. And I've forgotten about the fucking cookie. He'd corral me up against a wall, press his body against mine, knee grinding into my cunt. I'd feel myself regressing a bit, with his thumb in my mouth. My eyes would be glazing over. I'd be overwhelmed, in a haze, and fucked senseless. And cookie-less.
It would keep happening and eventually I'd get all pouty and say something, "Do you not like my body?"
And maybe the answer is that he'd like me to be a hundred pounds and hungry and desperate and easily controlled, but he wouldn't say that, because he's not a fucking idiot.
He'd tell me that I'm beautiful! And he loves my body! Obviously.
It actually has nothing to do with my body, he'd tell me, it's about exerting control. Denying myself sweets is just another way I can be a good girl for him. It's not that I shouldn't be eating the sweets, it's that he should have the power to withold them for any reason. And I want to be a good girl for him, right?
And if I lose a couple pounds because of it... Well that's okay.
Anyway. It's kind of a red flag, right? Him wanting to control what I'm eating?
The sex is so good. He understands me so perfectly: how much crave being brought to heel, when to push and when to praise. How much I can withstand before I break. It's intoxicating. He wants so badly to possess me and it makes me feel so wanted.
So I'll just ignore the red flag.
But maybe now that it's all out in the open he'd decide to push it a bit further. Start serving me dinner just so he can control my portion sizes. Order for me when we go out to eat.
And then of course he'll start complimenting my body more often. Telling me I look great and that he's so proud of me for eating healthier. I'll start internalizing it: preening at his praise and associating it with my eating habits. It's positive reinforcement and I've always been so desperate for praise. For someone to tell me they're proud of me and mean it.
Of course, negative reinforcement would work pretty well too.
He wouldn't do anything extreme like call me fat, or a pig, of course. I'm a smart girl after all, I would clock that as abuse and send him packing.
But if the praise and the compliments were to cease when I've gorged myself on dessert or let myself get bloated from pasta. Well. Some subconscious part of me would notice.
And if he waited until I was high and stupid and oh so impressionable and I inevitably wanted a cookie...only to deny me. Even on a day where I had already been *so* good about my calorie intake! Well. I would certainly be hurt, but I wouldn't kick him out.
Instead I'd fucking whine. Because I'm hungry, because I barely ate today because I wanted to save calories for the fucking cookie. How dare he deny me when I've been so good?
"You have been so good," he'd say, "You're such a good girl. Can you keep being a good girl for me, sweetheart?"
And the thumb would go into my mouth and I'd suck on it and be pacified because I'm a pathetic little creature and then I'll have forgotten about the cookie.
We'll be fucking and he'll be squeezing my throat, whispering praise in my ear as he bounces me up and down on his cock.
I'll go to bed hungry, but I'll be happy. I was such a good girl, after all.
By the time he starts using negative reinforcement I'll be too addicted to his praise to register it. Even the thought of being a bad girl makes my tummy hurts. I'd do anything to win back his praise.
But eventually I'd crack. He'd catch me hiding in the kitchen, gorging myself on cookies without permission. It's a breech of his control, and it needs to be addressed. He'll need to punish me, obviously.
Orgasm denial and a spanking? That seems a fitting punishment. If I can't deny myself sweets he'll deny me pleasure. Anal only? No regard for my pleasure when I'm a bad girl. Hmm. Corner time with the "hungry and horny" Bambi file playing in my ears?
Imagine what a submissive, broken mess I'd be after being denied like that. Desperate for any meager scrap of praise.
Side note, I recently reconnected with an old friend and I've been slowly drip feeding him my life developments. The other day he asked me if I thought that possibly my desire to be walked around on a leash is a bit objectifying... He's been wanting to read some of my writing but I think if I sent him this he'd have a fucking stroke. Especially because he used to bully me about my weight... Oooooh, what on earth would he have to say I wonder 🫣
