Is Hell Lucky?

canada / 22 - ig @gthcwgrl

[hellislucky]

i wish i looked like the pretty girls. how their skin is always glowing, no hair outta place, nails done, lips are glossy. oh how i wish i was prettier. gaining weight isn’t helping me, i used to be sickly thin. but that’s when i was called beautiful, told every nice thing. now i barely get looked at. my clothes are to tight, strangling my body, it feels like jail. i just want to hide. hide behind the black baggy sweat pants and men’s t-shirts. i’ll never be the pretty girl. my skin full of blemishes, my tangled frizzy hair, chipped polish, and chapped lips. at times i want to just shave my head to never worry about another hair outta place. i want to hide my face by wearing a mask. i’m not even sick, but a mask would hide the ugliness i see reflecting back at me. i don’t want to be perceived or noticed. i just want to hide with my demons till they kill me.

i’m so tired of being me.

~ i wish i was just a pretty girl

[hellislucky]

sometimes i feel, sometimes i don’t. i really don’t know how i feel. is the way i feel normal? do others experience it? can i really feel anything? i wish my life was different. i wish i could have saved myself. i needed too. what do things mean if meanings change. why do things happen even for no reason.

more writing i have found tucked far back into the books on my shelf. i don’t remember when this was written, 2 or so years ago. i sometimes still feel this way, i dunno why

[hellislucky]

here’s something i wrote back in 2016 before a major life changing event and learning more about trauma.

it’s hard to keep my emotions to myself. i’ve been through a lot in the past and not many people know. i lost all trust in humanity and if i trust someone it hurts me. i don’t know why. if i trust someone i become attached to them. i try to tell myself that i can’t trust them because i know if i do i’ll hurt more than i do now. i find the pain pleasing at times. it makes me feel at home. some nights i feel the pain more than other others, i never know why. after awhile i found that i look for trust just to hurt myself. it’s like a drug. you get this high, it comes down, you need more. it’s just keeps going around. for me this trust i put onto put is like a drug. i trust them, i end up hurt, then i’m seeking someone to trust again. - i love the hurt

it’s been 4 years since i wrote this. i learned from my therapist that it’s dude to the lack of parental trust and i seek someone to trust even if they aren’t. this lead to so many issues on my part. to the point i have zero trust in anyone anymore. i recently been diagnosed with extreme anxiety and depression. the more i grow with myself, the more i’ve learned about my past. lately i’ve been going through all my old things and keep stumbling upon my writing. i never knew how troubled i was and my family looked past it. i didnt have friends to talk to about my emotions, i still don’t. but i learned having trust in myself and working out the past helps with how you feel now, which then flows into your future

[black-hearted-bat-deactivated20]

[thraxxhouse]

i wake up in pain.

[difficult]

[hellislucky]

Whose flower is that? I think I know?

Its owner is quite sad though

It really is a tale of woe,

I watch him frown. I cry hello.

He gives his flower a shake, as he sobs until tears make

The only other sound, until a break

Of distant rain and thunder awake.

The flower is beautiful, dark and deep,

He has promises to keep,

Until then he shall not sleep.

He lies in bed with ducts that weep.

He rises from his dark bed,

with thoughts of sadness in his head,

He idolises being dead.

Facing the day with never ending dread.

Flower Boy ~ he was sad and dark

[hellislucky]

I just started cutting myself to see if I could feel anything and I can’t. I’ve become so numb that I can’t feel physical pain anymore nor can I feel anything emotionally

[tank-girll-deactivated20191211]

[tank-girll-deactivated20191211]

[trickingperson]

[grrkewlkhat]

🌙

[vudoo-child]

[hellislucky]

If you listen, reblog:

-$uicideboy$

-Pouya

-XXXTENTACION

-Ski Mask Slump God

-Ghostemane

-Germ

-Bones

-Gizmo

-Triple Ones

-Killstation

-Brennan Savage

-Lil peep

-Yung Lean

-Night Lovell

-Danzel Curry

-Craig Xen

-$lug Chri$t

-Scarlxrd

-Bill $aber

-City Morgue

-Kid Trunks

-Slutty Sonny

-Sybyr

-Cameronazi

[kill-em-all-1988]

YUNG LEAN - Hennessy & Sailor Moon (ft. Bladee)

[hellislucky]

fear

/ˈfir/Submit

noun

1.

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

"drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder"

synonyms: terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress; More

verb

1.

be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

"he said he didn't care about life so why should he fear death?"

synonyms: be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, be terrified of;

[hellislucky]

What is your biggest fear? Why?

I’m terrified of people, I’ve had this fear of people since I was a kid. I also suffer from both agoraphobia and social anxiety. With both these fears and disorders, it’s difficult to do everyday things. Some days it takes me 3-4 hours to actually leave my house. I hate school because I’m afraid that I’ll fail and be made fun of for it. When I have ideas to do something and I actually want to do them. When I ask for help to make it work and get told no or maybe later it makes me feel like I messed up and I’m no good because I’m not being accepted into society. That’s why I have difficulty doing things like projects and school work because I have this feeling of never having a good outcome or being rejected by the people that I look up to. I stopped putting my all into things because of this fear and I became very lazy so when there is something I want to put days, weeks, or months into I panic and mentally break down because I have this feeling never being accepted. And I think it started when I was younger because I was never accepted for what I did or wanted to do as a kid. I still feel like this with the things I do today. I stopped feeling safe when I’m around people. I feel best when I’m alone, in nature, and oddly talking to crows. It’s because I was “mute” for years and I only talked to crows because they are one of the most misunderstood bird/animal ever and I could relate to them. Over time I learned society is scared of people who are different and I’m terrified of our society because of my defence from everyone else.  

The defining feature of social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.