[hello-elizabethanne]

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[normal-horoscopes]

Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Contemplate the maze. Contemplate all that is beyond. Where do you see the maze? In your bookshelves? In your orange juice? The stars say not to get lost.

Taurus: If you wake up to find a viper on your stomach, go back to sleep. Either you will be fine or you wont be. Figure out who put a viper on you after the viper problem has been solved.

Gemini: If a monk tells you to listen to the river, its not a metaphor for the harmony of life or whatever, they just want you to shut the fuck up for two minutes so they can hear the river. Strive to hear the river.

Cancer: The end of the world will be one hell of a good time. You’ll even get to wake up the next day and work out the details on the new one.

Leo: It is a fundamental law of the universe. You may be the greatest cook the world has ever seen. Nobody. Nobody makes it like mom does.

Virgo: Many ancient cultures and religions saw semen as a substance of great power, the seed of life itself. This does not, in fact, mean that you can use it as a substitute for gasoline. Prepare to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions from the repair shop.

Libra: I apologize, your horoscope for today was stolen by something that looks like a pile of human hands wearing a ribbon. The stars and I are in pursuit and I have a very large and dangerous broom.

Scorpio: Let me ask you, just how important are your pants?

Ophiuchus: Spots and spines. It makes little difference unless youre up close. Dont get up close.

Sagittarius: Fire is a purifying force, as is water, and the light of the sun. Damn near everything is a purifying force of some sort or another. Right now the world is rain slick and beaded with starlight. Rest with it.

Capricorn: Intoxication comes in many many forms. Little consideration is given to those of little. The waster-awayers, the salt-drunk, the white-and-dry. It can be difficult to notice an overabundance of lacking.

Aquarius: When ancient alchemists wanted to learn how a frog worked they had to take it apart. The frog died. This applies to most things. The stars say don’t think too hard.

Pisces: I recently had someone say that they felt they were being “too negative” with their therapist. Listen, nobody goes to a therapist to share their happy memories. Get dour. Its good for you.