I cant believe it’s been been almost 3 years since I moved to Los Angeles. THREE. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was on the 4th floor for my goodbye party completely overwhelmed by the amount of love and sadness? Wasn’t it just the other day that I started at the front desk at ASY? Seriously time has gone by so fast and yet I can remember specific days in my memory so vividly.
I am happy (for the most part). I am being challenged daily at work but I want more? Is that selfish? I feel like my goals change all the time (I suppose that’s a good thing). I wish I was paid what I deserve but I guess we all do. I can’t complain I guess. I’m treated pretty well and I get to explore my interests. It’s steady work in a constantly changing industry. But it’s a comfort zone bubble.
I’m losing weight. Very fucking slowly. But losing. It’s going to take me so long. I cannot see the top of the beanstalk yet. But it’s there. Some days it truly feels impossible. Some days I feel like I can do anything. A rollercoaster of emotions.
I have some friends. Good friends. But I miss my people in CT/NY all the time. But I have a few solid people out here that I am close with. I am pretty thankful for them.
Dating is not option when you are fat. Actually I retract that statement. Casual Dating is, but having a relationship is not. I have not been in a relationship in YEARS. When will it happen to me? It’s so discouraging watching your friends find their person and I’m just sitting on the sidelines. Nobody isn’t interested in me or looks my way. Nobody cares. It’s something that I’ve dealt with for a long time but am just slowly letting it sink in. I try to remind myself that I would rather wait for the right person; my person; than be with anyone else.
My mental health is up and down. There a good days and there are bad days. Very bad days. I am trying to learn that when they appear to just let it happen. To try and not let it build up. To try and work through them.
But overall I am in a good place I think for the most part. It’s interesting. When I was back on the east coast for christmas I got to spend time in NYC and in Connecticut for more than just like a day. It was strange coming back to places that you felt like were a part of your soul. I mean, I guess they are. All these memories kept floating back to me. I didn’t know how to process them to be quite honest. I felt conflicted, selfish and self-centered. Was I giving off the impression that I was “too good” for these places anymore? That everything was beneath me? Not so much NYC but for sure in Cheshire. When I was 17 years old, I craved....yearned... to get out of this small town bubble filled with all of these upper-middle class families with their built in pools, Merecedes’, country clubs and stores that would close at 9pm. Being back in my hometown for the first time in over 2 years, was a surreal, strange experience. You spend all this time trying to leave but then you don’t appreciate all of these little memories that made you who you are today.
I’m not sure what this all means but when I got on the plane to come back to L.A. I wasn’t leaving home, I was returning to it. What a sad, strange feeling. To say goodbye to places that you always labeled home but are now just travel destinations in your itinerary. Does this make me cold and ungrateful? I’m still figuring it out.
My parents recently moved to Carlsbad to start the next chapter of their lives. Which means I don’t have a full direct connection to Cheshire anymore. A very weird feeling. I am also trying to come to terms that they are getting older. In no means are they unhealthy. They lead very active lifestyles. But they are getting older. Time. Time is so strange.
Today I got my photos taken by a photographer for Smashbox. I wasn’t totally in love with the pictures because it just shows how much weight I still have to lose but I was so...... shocked by the girl that I was staring at. I almost didn’t recognize myself. Not about weight necessarily but everything about her. There was a sparkle in her eye but a very subtle sadness behind them. I looked mature and grown up. But I looked sad. And I’m sitting here now with a lump in my throat because I can’t quite figure out what all of this means. Is this my quarter life crisis? Haha! Perhaps.
Regardless, I think I am doing ok. I’ve done a lot in 3 years. And I have to say, I am pretty optimistic for the next 3. So bring it on, Los Angeles. Bring it on.
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