Hello My Sick Mind

E.J.T

[hellomysickmind]

I D O N T W I S H T O B E

S A V E D

E.J.T

[hellomysickmind]

Love thinks more then they say

It’s all going to be ok now

of course

Their tired eyes told me on a cloudy day

mine told love to “please stay”.

Our eyes spoke the words our lips could not say

Love takes my hand

Skin on skin

Eyes introducing bodies now

Love was made as their

grey began to fade

I show them my colours now

Feeling one again

I know love now

Know myself, now

But she’s not pretty

without the smoke on the mirror

I don’t recognise her old and grey

I see only Bitterness remains

How could she hurt love?

Enough is enough

Engrossed in the ghost of me

I turn the light off so I may cry my tears that I don’t wish you to see

It’s not you, it’s me

Lighting up now

to feel more alive then this reality

Is this Life or intent?

I digress from this mess in my head

Keep trying my very best

I guess

There was more I could have done

To make love heard

To make love safe and sound

Tonight love closed the gate

To dark to see what their eyes had to say

No last words

Love showed me faith

Love showed me pain

Love showed me love

And love showed me

Me

I didn’t like what I could see, what I thought I was

In fact was not this reality

Love is a home, without safety

I know now

that is not me

I want to take away the pain

There’s more then myself I wish to gain

Light perceiving light

I didn’t know myself then,

It’s love I fear most now, then myself

I won’t run anymore

It hurts to let love go

It hurts more for them to stay

To be afraid.

They taught me

pure love

Pure light

When you know love,

you

Will know you

The next step is giving the love you know now to the ugly parts you made yourself.

It’s not always going to be pretty

Love is what will take off the mask you wear for yourself

Love shows you truth

Your own darkness you hide

Turn your darkness into the pure light love taught you, or become the darkness you run from.

#heartache #love #and #light

[havingapoemwithyou]

it is once again the summer of my discontent & this is how we do it by Hanif Abdurraqib

[hellomysickmind]

The universe speaks our same language, and as long as you listen you can hear it

[hellomysickmind]

Is that what existence is?

Finding ourselves?

Wouldn’t this imply that we are born with truth already inside of us?

Do we find “ones self” or sculpt a new shape of us with the blade of fearless. Truth. Knowing.

The blades in my hand now and I use it too cut into my closed mind

Mind bleeding out

An ego death awaits.

All I wish to do is have an impact on someone, I can’t say words they will hear.

So I will listen and speak without words

I wish to be loving and compassionate towards people, I wish to see the good in a human before the worst, there is goodness in every soul I believe that to be true. But I am not patient

There is goodness in me. I must delete consumption of what’s bleeding me light..

I must find it.

I believe it was there once... in my hands I could feel it, before it turned too sand.

It’s Buried now, in opinions that never belonged too me, glass screens, and distractions.

We do bad things, we make bad decisions, and we do it again.

How do you know when you have found yourself?

Truly?

I feel so far away from it, some years and right there some minutes.

Only enough too taste the enlightenment

Before I sculpt a new self, with the blade of fear.

Fear of judgement mostly. I don’t care, that I care too much. So I will remain spinning the same web. Again and again

Until

I make it happen. I'm the only one who can

Me only me!

[hellomysickmind]

3/10/23

how empty of me to be so full of you

[hellomysickmind]

21/10/22

I have a flare for the dramatic, but I don’t think that should underminemy current outlook.

I always operate in between two fine spaces, of flying high and feeling nothing about everything, and right now I am rapidly outgrowing my environment without even having the option to leave. Most days I want to cry about it, but my tears wont teleport me to a better place.

So I just emote very hard and feel everything with every fibre of my being, and they amplify themselves until sometimes I want to fucking scream.

Like, I archive something great. Then I can’t allow myself to be happy about it for some reason. But I’m lying to myself by saying there’s no reason as to why. There is a reason too all of our madness of course, too put it simply, the reason being fear, self-dealt in this situation. And the uncertainty of  tomorrows.

I’m still living and I am not satisfied, I am not where I want to be right now, and Even if then, I wished too be here. I am always wanting to run. The answer to what I’m running from or my destination is unclear, I’m just living to know where it is I want to be.  And my goals I achieve are really just pit stops along the way. but the overarching thought of being trapped remains. I hope I sore above that before I lose my fucking mind.

 As long as I am living I am not satisfied because I know I’m capable of more then this.

At this point I am fuelled by my fear, being my drive and also my biggest set back. I fear the inability to create again, because I fear my own self expression and creating Something next that is aesthetically likable, more so then my last creation, Resulting in the creation of nothing.

What I fear more then that tho is allowing that fear to swallow me whole and wither away any inspiration that remains, leaving nothing but an empty shell of a being, only living to regret ever avoiding the possibility of failure, too see that light, the end so close, being where you longed to be, but still wishing to run.

Sometimes I feel like nothing more then just a shadow of everyone that surrounds me. Just following behind in the shape of society, and as a creator in a world that is far too concerned about what is right or wrong. I fear your likes, dislikes and your Judgment. this I proclaim to be what I am a shadow too, society. grey is where I dwell. Proclaiming the light, while being immersed by the dark

We create as a means of self-expression, its not judgment/ opinions towards my self expression I fear, for most of what I create can only be understood, there for admired by only myself. It is myself I fear the most.

In long moments of numbness, I cant simply feel until I create.

 I fear, its myself. when what I create is not always something that can be seen, heard expressed to the society I fear the opinions of.  

Avoiding the responsibility we have to inspire another to discover themselves

This is a whole lot of something about nothing, and I’m just going to pretend this is a mark of

[hellomysickmind]

21/10/23

I always operate in between two fine spaces, of flying high and feeling nothing about everything, and right now I am rapidly outgrowing my environment.

Most days I want to cry about it, but my tears wont teleport me to a better place.

So I just emote very hard and feel everything with every fibre of my being, and they amplify themselves until sometimes I want to fucking scream.

Like, I archive something great. Then I can’t allow myself to be happy about it for some reason. But I’m lying to myself by saying there’s no reason as to why.

There is a reason too all of our madness of course,

too put it simply,

the reason being fear, self-dealt in And the uncertainty of  tomorrows.

So much so I can not be in the now.

I’m still living and I am not satisfied, I am not where I want to be right now, and Even if then, I wished too be here. I am always wanting to run. The answer to what I’m running from or my destination is unclear, I’m just living to know where it is I want to be.  And my goals I achieve are really just pit stops along the way. but the overarching thought of being trapped remains. I hope I sore above that before I lose my fucking mind.

 As long as I am living I am not satisfied because I know I’m capable of more then this.

At this point I am fuelled by my fear, being my drive and also my biggest set back. I fear the inability to create again, because I fear my own self expression and creating Something next that is aesthetically likable, more so then my last creation, Resulting in the creation of nothing.

What I fear more then that tho is allowing that fear to swallow me whole and wither away any inspiration that remains, leaving nothing but an empty shell of a being, only living to regret ever avoiding the possibility of failure, too see that light, the end so close, being where you longed to be, but still wishing to run.

Sometimes I feel like nothing more then just a shadow of everyone that surrounds me. Just following behind in the shape of society, and as a creator in a world that is far too concerned about what is right or wrong. I fear your likes, dislikes and your Judgment. this I proclaim to be what I am a shadow too, society. grey is where I dwell. Proclaiming the light, while being immersed by the dark

We create as a means of self-expression, its not judgment/ opinions towards my self expression I fear, for most of what I create can only be understood, there for admired by only myself. It is myself I fear the most.

In long moments of numbness, I cant simply feel until I create.

 I fear, its myself. when what I create is not always something that can be seen, heard expressed to the society I fear the opinions of.  

Avoiding the responsibility we have to inspire another to discover themselves

This is a whole lot of something about nothing, and I’m just going to pretend this is a mark of

[hellomysickmind]

22/10/22

I was convinced the world was collapsing around me

It was only my mind falling in on itself

“Did you even hear what I said?”

I hear you, but I’m not listening

The lingering thought of wanting to be anywhere but here are far too loud to listen to you.

People who have everything in order stress me out

[hellomysickmind]

15/5/23

I’ll keep knowing nothing

Just waiting to live

I’ll keep creating

as a means of self-expression, its not your judgment/ opinions towards my creations I fear,

for most of what I create can only be understood, there for admired by only myself.

It is myself I fear the most.

Who I’ve let myself become

You now fear too.

You fell,

I knew this too be true at first sight

You knew I felt it too.

But you didn’t know how much I was holding myself back before falling.

A moment in time of preparation

To Mould myself into the shape of you,

A fear made fare greater then your likes and dislikes was now the fear of your absence.

I hadn’t loved another this way before,

Before you I thought I knew what love was.

I knew nothing

But what I knew then was that if a love like this, one that made me feel new again, was to leave

A pain like no other would follow.

So before I let myself fall,

I was already preparing for that pain. That fear, that nightmare to come true.

I felt if I didn’t prepare for it, that if it were to come.

It would be the death of me.

The death of me came far sooner,

[hellomysickmind]

My brain is running.
Running to find protection
Running to find liberation
But most of all, its running from
Myself.

-fear

How can i help others
When i can’t even help
Myself.

-how?

We constantly compare ourselves
But we never stop to think
Who might have the same story as us.

-the past

One can not understand
The value of kindness
Until they understand
The power of hatred

-life

There will be a day
Where i will be
My only sunshine

-hope

–By Anais Mergen

[hellomysickmind]

I can’t hate because of what I’ve lost, because it was never really there.

[hellomysickmind]

12:01

23 January 2023

Time heals all wounds, do you lay and believe I have forgotten?

Bruises fade, wounds close,

I look down and see the scare tissue that reminds from that New Years night. It all could have gone differently, but it didn’t.

I could have not looked back to you, I did.

I turned back to you,

to more scares on my body.

Less loved-ones by my side,

but I was the one who turned away from them.

I was the one who put those scares there. I blamed everyone else then, but myself.

It’s because of me I chose you.

When I see the scares now, I don’t see the memory of you.

I see the pain and lesions I’m still here to learn.

And I smile.

You were, what you thought I wanted.

I was, what I thought you wanted.

you were lonely,

I was selfish

I was lonely, you were there.

so I stayed.

I tried to turn more then once,

But your hand gripped my shoulder too tight.

I didn’t know then, what I wanted.

Then, was barley clinging onto a concept of true self.

I was letting myself fall into the depths of unknown.

I felt I had lost all I thought I knew I was, so felt nothing, nothing to loose.

I could see what you felt for me and I wanted to feel something so I felt that too.

I couldn’t make myself keep loving you.

It was beautiful for a while, then in only short moments.

I know now, you’ve become someone else.

Someone different too who I once knew and grew too love.

I hope who you are now is kinder more honest to yourself and to others.

I hope with honestly you hurt, so you can grow, and know who you are. Cause after the hurt, and honestly too the pain, there is inner peace. And it’s beautiful.

It brings forth the greatest happiness you’ll ever have felt.

You’ll catch yourself smiling in a still/ calm mind.

That’s where I am, and it’s everything.

[hellomysickmind]

[hellomysickmind]

You were never a second choice

It’s only you I want and maybe that’s selfish of me

Leaving and putting myself first while my love for you remains

None of this was fair on you.

My silence now is the greatest hurt I know love has given you

I never wanted to hurt you

Only to love you

Even in my silence

I’m here, still loving you.

That won’t change.

I hope you hate me now

That’s far better then my love hurting you.

I’ll be silent now.

I hope you know you can give your love to another who will give back all you crave.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there yet to give you the love I feel for you.

It this silence, I’m somewhere learning to forgive/ heal and love myself.

My heart aches

But

I’m safe

Keep swimming my love

[hellomysickmind]

2:01pm

Sometimes there are only two people you can see around you. the people you have hurt and the ones who have hurt you. it is a lonely way too see. I thought forgiving the ones who have hurt me, is what I needed the most to heal. but its left me tired cause to forgive them, I need to forgive the past I could not control, i cant forgive them, by being in the past. i need to be here, now. and it is myself i should be forgiving. the past of pain i need to be forgetting. to heal, to not feel this lonely, no one is around cause my mind is not here. im screaming for their help but im too far away for them too hear me. i thought i was running from them but they are running from me. i am their pain they are running from to forget, to heal from. please be ok

[hellomysickmind]

how bad did it hurt?

in loving another, I've never loved before seeing their smile for the first time their skin on mine laying there and just knowing, then already this is love.

how bad did it hurt?

with the fear to hit next they are right next to me their hand in mine I fear what has not yet happened although feeling a love I feel will never end. I fear of their hand letting go of mine never to be in arms reach again

how bad did it hurt?

knowing everything is temporary every bad thing meaning every good thing can never stay the same

how bad did it hurt?

living a life where   everything good to come into my life has left the ones without a good bye still hurt on dark days

how bad did it hurt?

to love like this a way I didn't know capable of a empty human such as myself to be loved like never before yet question how a dark muted mind like myself deserves a love like this

how much did it hurt?

ever knowing if i am enough now, too love them the way they love me if i will always be enough so their hand cant slip from mine

how bad did it hurt?

to be loved like this and not feel you deserve it to answer "why" after the "i love you"s

how bad dose this hurt your love?

it hurts them to see you hurt too only wish you could see yourself the way they see you it hurts your love to wonder how you could believe these cruel lies you describe yourself to be and to not believe you are worthy of all that love has to give.

how much longer will it hurt?

as long as i keep believing the darkness i will become who i am not who i wish not to be

i am here, i am loved, my love is enough

i am enough