Got To Keep Trying

[hellopandaemma]

How to do what's right for you TW

So I'm from the uk so we have the NHS which is awesome because of free medical care but it also sucks because you have to wait. I was given two options by the doctors I could either wait and see if my body would miscarriage naturally or I could get a D&C. I knew then that the D&C would be the best option for me I was already so angry at my body for keeping something dead in it for so long I didn't want to carry it about with me. Now the only problem was I would have to wait 5 days before I could go into hospital and for all we knew I could end up miscarrying naturally and in some ways I think that the hospital wanted that. I had started to spot between finding out the baby had died and my d&c and was worried that I wasn't going to make it. I couldn't do this myself I was scared. Finally the day of my d&c came and I went to the hospital. I was so scared I had never been in the hospital for anything before. The nurses came and spoke to me I was on an open ward with loads of other people who were in for lots of completely different things. I was alone as my partner wasn't allowed on the ward with me. The doctor came and spoke to me and told me that they couldn't find my records and if they couldn't find them I wouldn't be able to have the d&c. I was so upset and angry I needed this dead thing out of me I couldn't do this anymore. They gave it until 3pm and if they hadn't found my records I would have to go home. 3.20pm comes and the nurse told me that they found the records and I was to start getting prepped. They gave me two tablets to put under my tongue to help soften my cervix and gave my numbing gel on my hands so it wouldn't hurt with the needle going in. Most day patients have to walk to surgery but I think they were feeling sorry for me so the wheeled me in. I got hooked up to the machines and could see my heart rate was high from being scared so I tried to slow down my breathing and watched as my heart rate slowed. Getting put to sleep was the weirdest thing ever I remember being sad but almost glad that this was almost over. When I woke up from surgery I was crying and I didn't understand why. The nurses told me it was because it was the last thing I did before going under. I wasn't too sore but there was a lot of padding between my legs so was expecting there to be a big mess. I got back to the ward and I was the only one left. I was starving as I hadn't eaten anything all day so the nurses got me a tuna sandwich it was the best thing I had eaten. I wanted home so bad and I knew they wouldn't let you go unless you pee so I drank two liters of water and waited to go. Standing up was weird and I looked down and I wasn't bleeding as much as I thought I would be. My partner and his mum came and picked me up from the hospital and I think I must have been still high from the drugs. His mum told me to make sure I was breathing really deep to get all the drugs out and I remember sitting in the back ok the car breathing in and out as loudly as I could. Got home and felt like a weight had been lifted but I was so sad at what could have been but in no way was I giving on up on becoming a mum and having a family

[hellopandaemma]

My first cycle that ended in pregnancy. It was a long cycle something that I was going to have to get used to after the miscarriage as my cycles have been all over the place. Some lasting for 43 day some lasting for 18 days. It's a real struggle

[hellopandaemma]

The only picture I have of my first pregnancy

[hellopandaemma]

It's been a year TW

I never thought I would be writing this. It's been a year since me and Jr decided to try for a baby and I thought by now I would be carrying my baby in my arms. Instead the last year has been one of the hardest I have ever been through. When we first decided to make the huge step of bringing life into the world we were so excited this was going to be easy. I read up on all the things I should be doing making sure I was taking the right vitamins giving Jr the right vitamins. Getting fit, eating healthy and losing some weight so I was in the perfect place for creating life. What do you know first month trying we got pregnant. It was unbelievable we were one of those couples other people who have been trying for ages hate. I was so good no more Brie and Pate for me :( healthy healthy food. I had morning sickness and it was not fun but I did not care I was having a baby. It came to my 12 week scan and I was so nervous hoping that my baby was going to be ok. We went into the room and they couldn't really see much because I have a tilted uterus so they had to go into my vagina and there was my baby. I saw the heartbeat which I took to be a good sign and less chance of miscarriage if you saw the heartbeat. The only bad thing was baby was only measuring 9weeks 5days so I had to get rescheduled. I was ok with this I would get to see my baby super soon again. We felt so sure everything was going to be ok we announced of Facebook families were so happy and everything was brilliant. We went to the rescheduled appointment two weeks later and I wasn't feeling great. The night before I had a dream that my baby had died but it was safe and family were looking after it. I had also not had any more sickness but I was hoping it was because I was almost out of the danger zone. We saw the baby and the first thing I saw was no heartbeat. My baby had died I broke down but the sonographer had to take measurements and I found out that the baby had died at 10 weeks 2 days. I had been carrying something dead around in me for two weeks. I was so angry at my body but I had to make a choice on how we were going to end this pregnancy.