“Are you sure?” He sleepily mumbled against her neck, he was definitely too comfortable now. Jasper didn’t want to move from this spot but knew if he didn’t he’d wake up with a sore back and a sore neck to match. “I’m wide awake and ready for action… It’s an after-school program… They don’t get out of school until 3:20- lots of time to sleep in…” Jasper’s eyes were shut, as his voice got softer. “I’m ready to paaaaarty as quoted in Bridesmaids… What do you want to do?”
nodding their approval, raven shushed him softly. they knew he should get to bed but that included getting up from this moment and loosing the warmest heat source ever. while still wide awake and likely would be for hours, raven wouldn’t mind laying here until she fell asleep but knew jasper had to get to bed instead. “this couch can not be that comfortable for you. we can do more things tomorrow if you want- after the kids of course.” another kiss to his forehead, fingers through his hair, raven spoke about getting up and going to bed but still did not make a move to do so.
He hummed as Jay answered, “That explains it… I’ve basically been hermitting and studying for the past four months. Where’d you come from?” The crunch of the first snow of the season was heard from underneath Elijah’s boots as he shivered from the cool breeze. Certainly not as cold as Manitoba- but still cold enough to send a shiver down the boy’s spine. A small chuckle escaped Elijah’s lips as the other boy asked about his books- “Psychology… but I’m starting to think it’s not for me…”
a small laugh, sympathizing with his study habits. “i was that kid in school, thankfully alaska forced me into a social life.” thinking of his best friend, he grinned a bit more and shrugged. “born in daegu, south korea but my mom raised me on toronto after i was like a year old or something.” he was careful to say just his mother, never a mention of his dad ( whoever it might be ). glancing down at the bag and then back to elijah, he nodded. “how many major changes have you gone through?”
@jasper-isms // new post because tumblr flagged the old thread because of the content lol what.
realizing they were far too caffeinated for jasper, raven felt a little bad about suggesting dragging the night on. “the night might be young for me but you’ve had a long day. you can go to bed, i might try and get some work done or stay up for a few hours watching netflix before passing out.” running fingers through his hair, raven was trying to convince him to get some sleep. cuddling with him was a new experience for sure, something they’d never really done much before but now felt like it was meant to be. “come on, i don’t want to keep you up. don’t you have the kids program tomorrow?”
Even if Raven’s joke fell flat, he still let out a snort- “We’re both fucked up so I guess that could go both ways… hm?” Trying to be as accepting as possible- which wasn’t hard may he add, he listened closely to the words that came out of their mouth. “What’s the easy out? What if I like the challenge? Bold of you to assume that I would ever take the easy way out…” Jasper teased, moving into her more (if that was possible) and closing his eyes as he relaxed. “Please don’t cry… It’ll make me cry…”
“match made in hell, i guess.” trying hard to lighten the mood again, the atmosphere far too heavy for her liking. raven couldn’t help but laugh, resuming fidgeting with his hair and curling in closer to him. after the weeks without jasper, they didn’t quite realize how much of his touch they truly craved and how casual they’d been in sharing touches with the other: a hand on the back to sneak past, picking hair off clothes, treating black eyes and busted lips, or the simple brush of fingers when items are passed back and forth. “i’m so over crying tonight. or for the rest of my life, to be honest.” taking a deep breath, raven calmed them self and pressed a kiss to his head ( awkwardly because of the angle but the attempt was made ). “lets do something fun, i’ve missed our nights together.”
“N-no I wouldn’t change my mind… Some of it is kind of badass- is that the right thing to say? Probably not… sorry…” He rambled, squeezing her hand back before moving closer to them and resting his head on their shoulder. “I still love you… but I wish I knew before-” I wouldn’t’ve made all those shitty jokes before, he wanted to add but decided to keep it in his head as a mental comment.
they nearly cried right then as jasper reassured gently that his feelings would not be changing after the life altering story that raven dropped on him. cuddling in close with him, raven reached up and twirled his hair softly, needing to touch as much of him as possible. his words rocked a fear in her, pausing for a moment. “before? as in, before you had feelings so you wouldn’t fall in love with a mess like me?” it was meant to be a joke but the tone fell too flat, even she heard it. rejection was so easy right now and they expected it any second. the moment he came to his senses, he would realize what’s been said and done and take it all back. raven wouldn’t blame him if he did. “i just.. i love you and you deserved to know everything. you can take the easy out right now, if you want. i wouldn’t blame you at all.” thought the simple idea of it had brown eyes welling with tears again.
‘It’s a lot…” He repeated, mouth twitching at the squeeze of her hand. Pulling her towards him, he plopped her down beside him on the couch. Their touch brought him back out from his stunned daze, but he still couldn’t process everything Raven told him. “That’s a whole lot of stuff… Like, I didn’t even- wow… That’s a lot.”
sitting next to him felt a little better, knowing he wasn’t pushing away and closing off yet. the story had been a toll on them both, raven knowing it was a lot for him ( as he kept repeating ). “i understand if you need a few days before...” they slowed off and stared into the distance, unable to finish what they wanted to say. “just let me know if you change your mind about anything.” worried he wanted to take back everything he just said, now that the truth of raven was sitting in front of him. “i would understand.”
having jasper hear this, be privy to information they had intended on keeping from anyone for a long time- it felt good to get off her chest finally. in their daze, raven did register the hand that reached out to her. stopping pacing just long enough to touch his hand, the blonde slipped fingers between his and squeezed ( just needing a physical reassurance that he was there and real ). “i know, it’s a lot. i didn’t-” stopping, raven shook their head. “i’m sorry, you didn’t need all of that.”
“Sometimes I forget you weren’t born in the land of the north, hm?” He teased, taking a sip of his beer. Not to be cliche, but Jasper was the white-picket-fence kind of person. Though he didn’t grow up with the exact fence, rather a balcony on the seventh floor, his parents still made it the best it could be. At least, it was pretty great until his mother passed away. He didn’t enjoy talking about it much, but he still talked about it on occasion when asked.
Caressing her leg in some sort of attempt at comfort as they spoke, nodding to show that he was listening. He could relate to that, though probably not in the same way that Raven brought up. Again, he could relate to wanting a new life and feeling like it was wrong but not in the same measure that Raven intended- it was the feeling in his gut. Settling for the words of, “I get that …” as he looked down at her, encouraging her to speak more.
raven sometimes envied the fact jasper had that nicer life, the things not given to her in the end. would things have turned out differently had the hospital not needed her mom that night? or what about that family who had done everything they could but raven still couldn’t bring them self to stay? “what, the accent doesn’t give that away?” raven had done pretty well in toning it down over the years, slipping into a more neutral way of speech ( until they were angry of course ). “i guess that’s as good place as any to start,” raven continued, picking at chipped nails as she spoke. “i wasn’t always a foster kid. i had a great mom and step-dad. my mom was an er doctor at the local hospital and my step-dad was a preschool teacher.” talking about them was hard, something they hadn’t done in years. “mom was working on christmas eve, like usual but she promised she would be home that night. she always kept her promises, you know. but there was this huge thing in the er and she had to stay overnight. she drove home in the early hours of the morning to try and surprise me for christmas day. she never made it home.”
looking at jasper, raven knew he would relate to that. “dad did his best to fill in where she was gone but he didn’t know how to raise a little girl on his own. he committed suicide three months later while i was at school. they came and took me away. my mom’s family wanted nothing to do with me after it all, she had been disowned long before i was born. she came from a very strict korean family and disobeyed her parents to marry my step-dad, a white man. they said it brought shame on the family and because of it, refused to take me in. my step-dad had grown kids of his own before marrying my mom but they didn’t want to take me on, i was just a stranger to them. so with no family, i became a ward of the state. i was twelve.”
struggling to keep a calm composure, raven fiddled more with the paint on her nails, the skin around them, anything that could calm a growing anxiety.
“i bounced from foster home to foster home around new england. some weren’t awful and some were- they were horrible.” they didn’t want to share every single detail with him, afraid it would do worse so instead vague ideas were presented instead. “there were some older boys that took advantage of the lack of rules a lot. there was one really really good home though, i thought they might even adopt me after a few months with them. but their son hated me, he wanted me gone so he hit me and being the angry and hateful child i was, i hit him back harder than he’d hit me. i broke his cheek and they labeled me too troubled and violent for single family foster homes. i was taken to my first group home at fourteen.”
lifting her eyes to watch his face, to see if he might need her to stop before going on.
“it was a home for troubled youth. we were given strict rules, watched constantly, the whole thing. i was easily instigated by the other girls and eventually ended up signing my own arrest warrant per say. she’d said some awful things about my parents and i lost it, i--” raven stopped and shook her head. “she was barely alive by the time the adults got to her. i was taken out and put in a juvenile detention center for the first time at fourteen.” a half-laugh, as if they could barely believe it them self. “i was released on good behavior a few months later but still unable to find a family willing to take me in. so i went back to group homes. i hated it, so much. so i ran away within weeks of arriving. ended up in jail again, this time i wouldn’t be out until i was eighteen.”
shaking hands twisted her shirt, nervous energy curling under skin.
“with no money, no family, and no where to go, i ended up on the streets. this part of my life i’m the least proud of and i thought that i might actually die before finding something.” deep breath in, deep breath out. “living on the streets, i needed money for anything. i started... i let people use me for money. what i made i shared with other girls and kept what i could. and then the drugs came, anything to feel something other than the misery i was swallowed in. at first it was to numb things and then it was to chase the cloudy high and then it was just because without it i thought i would die.”
fear shook her, afraid he might be disgusted with what he was hearing.
“i moved around a lot, running from the law and from people who wanted me dead for their own reasons. running from my demons, from my past. i eventually ended up in california were my life was at it’s lowest point. i was so deep in the addiction i didn’t care how i came about it. i got involved with some shady people, still buying and selling what i could to earn money- mostly myself. i thought i was slick, too smart for my own good. i tried to cheat him out of his share, i tried to sneak more drugs and money for myself. and he was about to kill me, i remember that much. i remember the pain, i think. i’d been beaten before but i was always too stupid and too high to care. but this- this was different. he broke me, ruined what he could and he was going to kill me. until i killed him instead.”
crawling out of his lap, she couldn’t be next to him right now. feeling disgusted with herself, raven wanted to claw at her skin.
“the police found us a few hours later, i’m told. or so the report says. i woke up a week later in the hospital. they had me detoxing and i wanted death at that point. i woke up in handcuffs with a murder charge over my head. i thought i was going to prison this time. but my injuries my what memories i could give them helped and i was cleared of charges, the courts saying it was self-defense and i was innocent. they did try to charge me on prostitution, apparently illegal in the state of california but they couldn’t prove thats why i had been there in the first place. i did a year in minimum security after i was released from the hospital on drug charges. i rode out the rest of my detox and was able to get freedom after year with the promise that i would get help. so i did.”
counting on her fingers, raven gave a happy smile. “i’ve been clean for five years now. i don’t drink, smoke, or anything.” proud of that little victory, she pulled the chain around her neck and flashed her token. “i don’t remember the exact date so i went off my mom’s birthday and this may will make six years.” they weren’t sure but they’d started pacing again.
“the rest is kind of a messy blur of my life. i tried to get into college but no where would accept me with my past so i just did any work that would. i started learning about computers really quickly and became really interested in the protection of networks and software, called penetration testing. i basically help companies and people keep outside threats, well, outside.”
a chuckle.
“two years ago i moved here and from that, you know the rest.”
He poked her on the nose to tease her, “Don’t laugh at me like that, I don’t believe you…” Jasper wanted to joke about Las Vegas and the Elvis priests but decided against it as Raven already seemed shocked enough that he just admitted his feelings and desires. Technically, they asked for a long-term answer but never specified about how long-term those goals were. A happy sigh escaped his lips as Raven traced shapes on his skin, “Why didn’t you think you were going to live until 30?”
A question that probably came with a loaded answer, polishing off the bowl of pasta while listening to her speak. Running his fingers through her hair gently, he nodded understanding. “Of course I want to hear everything… You’re like my greatest, most beautiful mystery… I told you my depressing fun facts about my life, I guess it’s only time for yours to come out…” he joked.
as if on cue, their nose scrunched up when he poked it, giving him a funny face as they did. eyes crossed, they shook their head softly before laughing, rubbing at her nose. the idea of marrying jasper but her head in such a spin but they could see it: growing up, raising kids, buying a house, planning family vacations- everything raven missed growing up but was determined to give to their kids.
“there was a really dark time in my life that i wasn’t sure i was going to make it to the next day.” swallowing hard, they avoided his gaze for a while, looking down at their lap or over his shoulder to the night outside. does she dare tell him everything now or start with the easy stuff and build up? the desire to share her life was never there before but jasper deserved to know what he was getting into. “i’ve tried really hard to start a new life here. after getting my citizenship, i promised myself i would never think about my life before vancouver but not thinking about it feels wrong- like i’m forgetting the lessons i learned.” and learned a lot they did. “i don’t even know where to start.”
Surprised at her bringing him back a beer along with his food, he smiled again- “You’re too good to me… H-hey now, what’s that dirty look for…” Jasper studied how she talked, watching how her lips moved to form each sentence. Hoping that they didn’t notice how he smiled and how his eyes followed every word that was formed on their lips. Raven had a point about thinking long-term, communication was important.
Pulling Raven to rest on his lap while he ate his pasta, a hum escaped his lips as he agreed with what she was saying. Jasper wanted to date her, of course, but he also wanted to still be their best friend. He wanted so many simple pleasures in life for them, shit that you couldn’t do or get if you were single. He wanted to marry them, have babies with them, grow old with them. And maybe it was too soon to say all that because after all, they just told each other how they feel but after two years Jasper knows his feelings. “I don’t want to lose you either… I wanna marry you.” He paused for a moment, “Even if saying that was too soon, I want t put it up in the air.”
they easily settled into his lap, something that the pair had done many times before ( though now it felt much different ). slender fingers snipped pieces of tomatoes from the sauce, popping them in her mouth as he ate. an easy silence settled over them as he ate, her giving him time to gather his thoughts before answering. they hoped he was on the same page as them, wanting the same things or close to. willing to compromise, raven knew it would come down to jasper comfort in this matter- fearful his past would keep him from wanting too much right away.
of course his words shocked her, eyes going wide and mouth falling open. floored, raven had not expected nearly anything of that level to be admitted right now. sure, they were hopeful about a long term future for him but held no dreams about being in it with him forever. they wanted him to rise as far as he could, with or without her there. she was under no illusion he was ready for that kind of commitment, but he was telling her otherwise.
“i-” they don’t know what to say. a half dazed smile sits on their features, mind wandering before looking back at him and giving a breathless laugh. “i’m sorry, i’m not laugh at you.” just the situation. never in their life did raven ever expect someone to state so easily plans of marriage. “i’ve never- i never thought someone would tell me they wanted to marry me. in honestly, i never expected to live to see thirty so..” fingers traced random patterns on any exposed skin they would find on him and sighed. “i would love to spend the rest of my life with you, jasper. but i want you to hear who i am, what i used to be, before you commit to that okay?” this was never something raven wanted to share with him, they never wanted to tell anyone this story but going forward she knew he would have to understand her past before being her future. raven fully prepared herself for him to not want to be with her after it was all said.
“Thank you-” He called out as they took his bowl to the kitchen, dragging out you until she turned back to look at him. In his defense, Raven made some delicious pasta and he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to devour it all to himself. Especially after work and an extra practice session. If he was honest, their cooking was probably the biggest perk of living with them.
Leaning over the counter as the microwave heated the meal back up, his ears were wide open for Raven’s blabbering questions. Eyebrow cocked at her frantic speak, a shrug rolled off his shoulders so naturally. “Dunno… I was thinking that I just lay in bed with the pasta and you… maybe a good movie? That’s short term. Let’s be honest here babe- can I call you that now? It feels natural, might as well… We’ve been basically platonically dating for two years, I don’t think anything is going to change if we add in kisses here and there, hm? I don’t want to push anything either-” He didn’t really know where to go with this, or what was going on. Though, he would never complain about it.
after years on their own, raven had to learn to cook or starve. out of pure survival they’d started making different dishes until mastering a few. they were proud to share that with him as well, knowing it helped look after the boy but also gave them a reason to do something like this instead of just her own survival but the looking after of another. “you’re welcome,” they called out to him, refilling and heating the bowl.
carrying it back with a beer for him as well, the blonde placed it all on the coffee table before giving him a look. hands on hips, eyes narrowed, lips slightly pursed- what raven called the mom look. used many times on elijah, often on jasper too. “i was thinking more long term, because if anything proves we need to communicate what we want or need, it’s the last few weeks.” they realize it was a lot of their own doing, being unable to say what they’d wanted after that night. instead they fell asleep and then went on with life like it hadn’t happened, only confusing the situation more. reaching for him, raven dropped to the couch and pulled him with her. “you can call me whatever you want,” they replied softly, a small smile brightening their features.
sure, what the life before in the apartment had been like could very well be described as platonic dating but the last thing needed was someone assuming the wrong thing and just causing more problems. “i think we should just say what we want. put it all on the table and go from there. because i don’t want to lose you, jasper. you mean the world to me and i just want to be on the same page so no one expects more than the other is willing to give.”
“knock knock!” noah announced as she let herself into raven’s apartment, a smile on her face as she cast a look around the front room in search of her blonde friend. her nerves felt at ease as she crossed the threshold, all thanks to the text raven had sent earlier promising her that jasper would be out all night. not that noah couldn’t bare the thought of sharing a room with the former flame, she just wasn’t keen on letting her tension with the male ruin her cozy, movie marathon with her close friend. setting down her armload of wine, chips, and candy, noah began sorting through raven’s cupboards in search of dishes for their snacks. “i’m thinking, ‘cause ‘tis the season, we dive into netflix’s collection of christmas movies,” the small girl started. “that new one with vanessa hudgens looks absolutely adorable.”
knowing jasper would be out for the night, or at least until very late thanks to plans with the team. while raven often went over to noah’s for movie night they really enjoyed staying in their own apartment when it was empty because the two could do as wished without disturbing anyone else who might be home. hearing the faux knock, raven stood to open the door but was beaten but noah just letting herself in. a grin spread across raven’s face as they watched her unload the arm full of goodies brought along. “only if we get the christmas prince thrown in too because it was my favorite last year.”
“nothing looks ugly on me, raven.” a feline smirk graced her lips. alaska was not claustrophobic. sure, small places did kind of freak her out and when she’s people crawling in them in movies she turns the channel. but she’s not afraid of them. “i think i’m freaking out the completely right amount!” she breathed out, looking at the exensive watch on her wrists. “oh! and great! i’m late for my leg wax.”
“literally anything looks awful on you. mostly your shitty personality shining through, of course.” dark eyes slide over the younger girl, wondering just how this child got under their skin so easily. sure, raven might be a hot-tempered person but this was just a new level of irritation. “the fact you pay someone do your hygiene for you speaks on so many levels, mostly just screams how fucking high maintenance you are. god, i was wondering why i hate you and just listening to the shit out of your mouth tells me why.”
“I don’t know why I would ever hate you…” He chuckled, biting his lip as she brushed her fingertips across his skin. “Don’t worry… not a dream, I’m still real…” Taking his hand over hers and bringing them down to their sides intertwined for a moment as he admired her. In a million years he never thought he’d be having this conversation with anyone, let alone Raven; but the heart wants what it wants.
The words I Love You sounded much more tender and full emotion coming from them now, their lives coming full circle in the center of the living room. As they wrapped their arms around him, he snuggled them closer and rested his chin on the top of their head. You could hear his sniffles, an aftershock from crying, as he kissed the top of her head. The question now stands- what do they do now? The two of them swayed back and forth gently as they stood there, englufed in the peaceful silence of the moment. Only to be broken by a small almost giggle from Jasper, “I might have to reheat my pasta…”
there was true fear that jasper hated them after the fight, after the words exchanged that night. pointing out the ghost of mel, throwing that in his face, had been cruel and raven worried he wouldn’t have forgiven them ever for it. hearing him say he doesn’t hate her, gives such an overwhelming sense of relief that they nearly started crying right then.
hearing his sniffles startled her, worried he was crying again before he laughed softly. it rumbled against them and looking up at jasper, raven was going to ask if he wanted to go to bed before finally he brought up the pasta left on the table. an unimpressed look from raven before rolling eyes, grinning at the same time. slipping from his arms, they reached for the bowl and headed for the kitchen.
“not to be that cliche but- what now?” they were confused as what should happen next, what he expected. raven had many questions and nervous energy brought them up, starting the rambling. “i mean, what are you thinking? what should we do now? what do you want to do? i don’t want to rush you, i don’t want to push this- i’m just curious and i need to know what’s going on.”
It was funny hearing someone say their name like that- Elijah knew it was how names like Jay’s went but it was so odd to hear in his ears. A part of him wonders that if he wasn’t adopted what his name would be, probably not as Americanized as his name is now. The poor kid felt like a fraud most of the time, speaking an embarassingly low level of Korean (also known as none), not knowing how to hold chopsticks, and the final straw is probably having the whitest name on planet earth. “Well, hi I guess Jay…” He awkwardly laughed, trying to keep pace with the smaller boy. “When did you move in? I swear I’ve never seen you around…”
standing next to him, jay realized just how much of a height difference their was and scowled a little. giving a little head bow of course, jay started walking with elijah toward him, no longer cursing his idea not to drive today. while the weather hadn’t been too bad it was still bitterly cold for early winter. “nice to meet you.” with a shrug, jay counted on fingers before cracking a grin. “about four months now i think. just as the semester started, i transferred over.” looking at the other’s bag on his shoulder, he couldn’t help but ask. “what major are you in that you need this many books?”
His breath hitched as she hugged him, relief rushing through his veins. And for a moment, the two of them just cried it out. Too much emotion trapped in two little bodies, all rushing out at once like waterfalls. Jasper knew she felt guilty for this, he felt it in the way they grasped at his t-shirt, knuckles turning white from the pressure.
Looking into her eyes as Raven wiped the tears from his cheeks, he did the same for her only being careful that he didn’t smudge any eye-makeup that she might have had on. Feeling her lips on his, he smiled into the short kiss and let out a small noise in between a sigh of relief and a laugh as he kissed back. Closing his eyes and kissing back with a little more pressure before pulling back and whispering, “I love you…”
if someone had told raven weeks ago this would be happening, that the man she’d fallen in love with felt the same way and they would sharing such a moment in the middle of the living room- well they wouldn’t have believed anyone. to have someone like jasper confess such feelings, something raven never thought they’d deserve or hear, was such a mind-blowing event that part of her didn’t trust it was real.
pinching herself, she laughed and looked back at jasper with hopeful eyes that still had a little wetness left in them. “i promise, they’re not sad tears. at least, not anymore.” brushing fingers across his face again, they just studied him closely and shook their head. “i’m afraid to do anything else, afraid this might all be some dream and i’ll wake up with you still hating me.” the sheer idea of having jasper hate them was too much, a fear that they never knew existed until these last few weeks.
the words, so softly spoken, brought a smile to their face. sure, they’d said how much they loved each other before but not like this, not in such a way. raven had always cared for jasper from the first moment they’d met him in this exact room so it only felt fitting the next part of their lives together happened here too. “and i love you,” they whispered, moving in just a little closer and putting warms around his middle again. no longer a desperate grab for his warmth, raven just stood there in contentment at the feeling of his body surrounding hers.
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