Best damn helmsman

Now all we need is a gun that fires thresher maws!

[helmsmanmoreau]

Hey, so Tumblr asked me whether I want to keep this url. Decided to pop back in again and see what’s happening. Are you guys still around? *snugs*

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Bet is bet. You’ll get your damned credits," Joker grumbled. He already owed her an explanation for last night, so he wasn’t going to put more on his tab. All the jesting was certainly fun, but they’d have to talk about it at some point and for once Joker wasn’t really sure what he was going to say.

His thoughts were quickly interrupted by Liara’s transmission. Turning around to Garrus, he nodded. “Exactly! And when they do for once, none of us can come along, right Kasumi? Heard Bekenstein is supposed to be quite lovely this time of the year.”

As Miranda ended the conversation over the comm for now, he threw a quick glance at the time. Couldn’t be much longer until Ashley arrived, well good thing they had been successful so far. A positive attitude would surely be of help… Well, as positive as it could be considering the reason they were here in the first place. With this in mind he returned his attention to his consoles and started plotting a course to Omega, while keeping an eye on the external sensors.

[memorystealer]

"Bekenstein is supposed to be lovely any time of year, "she quipped as she rolled her eyes. "Besides, who else but Shep would have been willing to go on that mission convincingly in formal wear?" And who else would I have trusted with the reason we were there? she thought. Kasumi was close enough to some of the crew that she let the gray box information go semi-public on the Normandy but back then no one but Shepard was worth telling. Thinking about Bekenstein and the gray box had Kasumi’s brain ready to spiral with thoughts of Keiji and then the night before.

Quickly, Kasumi returned to the conversation. “I didn’t hear much complaining from the infamous Wrex. So I guess you get some credits too.”

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Well, I guess Wrex had enough to shoot at to not use our resident robot as target practise. So you're winning that one, unless you wanna keep going and see what happens on Omega?" Joker replied with his hands running over the consoles, firing up the engines again and starting procedures to undock from the other ship.

He threw a quick look over his shoulder to see who had made it back so far and found Legion right at his side. "Should be a good 40 minutes back to the relay and then ten to fifteen until we're docked. Depends on how much-" A quick beep from his omni-tool interrupted his estimates and he saw the coordinates of a certain dock pop up. "Fifteen it is. Thanks Liara," he threw over his shoulder.

"EDI, shut the airlock as soon as everyone's back and sever the connection to the other ship!" he instructed the AI and started typing a message on his omni-tool.

TO: ASHLEY WILLIAMS

FROM: JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU SUBJECT: CHANGE OF PLANS

We've found coordinates to a dock on Omega that we're going to check out. We can't risk losing more time, so if still wanna do this, I'd suggest you head there and join us when we arrive.

-J

[1 attachment - coord24.cdt]

[memorystealer]

"I almost don’t want the credits. Your admittance of defeat is almost as sweet as the addition to my bank account," the thief teased.

When the information from Liara reached her omni-tool, Kasumi scanned it real quick before commenting, “Back to Omega, huh? Should be a fun trip, don’t you think?” she asked to anyone close enough to answer.

[notastylishly]

Garrus settled back on to one leg once he heard the news, stitching his arms over his chest. “So our friends are tearing the ship’s automated defenses a new one. Got it.”

Maybe he was still riding the high after having not just survived the Collectors, but having outright defeated them; like they were granted some sort of temporary immunity by some greater power. Maybe it was just an ego thing. There was no excuse good enough for them to let their guard down, after all. He was far from being at ease, but also far from feeling that knot of dread in his stomach. The mention of Omega turned that around, though, and his brow crinkled as he felt something tighten in his chest.

"Always Omega," he tsked, his casual tone belying his expression. "Why can’t the bad guys ever hide away at a five star resort? You know, somewhere nice and sunny." 

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Bet is bet. You'll get your damned credits," Joker grumbled. He already owed her an explanation for last night, so he wasn't going to put more on his tab. All the jesting was certainly fun, but they'd have to talk about it at some point and for once Joker wasn't really sure what he was going to say.

His thoughts were quickly interrupted by Liara's transmission. Turning around to Garrus, he nodded. "Exactly! And when they do for once, none of us can come along, right Kasumi? Heard Bekenstein is supposed to be quite lovely this time of the year."

As Miranda ended the conversation over the comm for now, he threw a quick glance at the time. Couldn't be much longer until Ashley arrived, well good thing they had been successful so far. A positive attitude would surely be of help... Well, as positive as it could be considering the reason they were here in the first place. With this in mind he returned his attention to his consoles and started plotting a course to Omega, while keeping an eye on the external sensors.

[memorystealer]

Legion came through on the comm just as Garrus walked up.

"There are numerous variables to consider. We agree with Kasumi Goto, however. Evidence that Shepard-Commander was present and with another human is preferable to an absence of such. It narrows our search parameters and raises several additional questions."

Kasumi pointed a finger at Joker, “Hah! You heard it straight from the walking computer. It’s only logical.” Turning towards Garrus, Kasumi answered. “No, the ground team is making easy work of some mechs.”

Then Thane’s discovery came through.

“Normandy, did you get that?”

The thief whispered to Joker, “You should probably get that.”

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Damn it," the pilot cursed. "Yeah, yeah, alright. You win this one, " he replied reluctantly. As he heard the approaching footsteps, he looked over his shoulder to see the newcomer. "Nothing they couldn't handle."

When he finally heard Thane's voice over the comm, Joker let out a little sigh at having given up so easily, but was also relieved that they were finally making actual progress.

"Yes, we heard you loud and clear! Grab what logs you can find and we'll see what EDI can make of it once you get back here. Good job, guys!"

[gabbydaniels-blog]

"Oh, right," Gabby sputtered. "Yeah, request approved. I was just double checking."

Kasumi and Joker then bantered for a while, their easy humor belying the tense situation they were in. Gabby found it comforting. At a time like this, anxiety could lead to sloppy mistakes. Lifting the mood was important.

She frowned as a thought occurred to her.

"Hey, Kasumi, could you let me know what the ground team finds on the ship’s computer? If Shepard and Castro aren’t on the ship now, they had to leave somehow. A shuttle, or another ship, or something. A record of the departure should be stored in the system. Probably encrypted, but Legion might be able to handle it."

[memorystealer]

"Consider it done," the thief smiled at Gabby. "We all," she hesitated, "have a vested interest and bring Shep back." Kasumi made direct eye contact with Gabby from under her hood, hoping it would help reassure her.

Still waiting on Joker’s reply, Kasumi squinched her face and directed it at the pilot, seeking a reaction.

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Oh, come on! All the evidence was already pointing towards this one ship. The chance she hadn't been on it was so slim that not one of us stayed behind on the Citadel in case we had been wrong." That had been quite a bad idea, now that he thought about it.

He looked towards Gabby. "That's the kind of important I was talking about."

Silently he hoped for Wrex to make some sort of big announcement soon, but so far the second team had remaind rather silent.

[helmsmanmoreau]

Joker fully concentrated on his omni-tool while he checked for any remains of Kasumi’s modifications, so he didn’t notice Gabby until she announced her presence. He turned around to reply, but the thief was faster, so he just added a quick “Hey Gabby,” and stayed untypically quiet for rest of their conversation. It gave him a chance to check on the mission’s progress. Wrex was definitely not complaining enough.

When Legion’s announcement came over the comm systems, Joker immediately feared for his credits and looked over to Kasumi. “That doesn’t count as “anything useful” yet, right?”

[memorystealer]

Kasumi turned her attention from Gabby to Joker with a sly grin. “Tell you what. If you can sufficiently argue that DNA proving Shepard was on that ship isn’t useful, I’ll let you take this one.”

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Well, we all know that Shepard was definitely not on the Citadel anymore, last time we checked, otherwise you or EDI would have found her. So she must have left on a ship of some sort. According to our resident AI this ship was docked close to the party and it left shortly after the Commander was taken. She also didn't find anything suspicious about any other ships that left the Citadel during that time frame, so I'd say Shepard having been aboard this thing was pretty much a given."

Feeling pretty good about his argument, Joker threw her a satisfied grin.

[memorystealer]

Kasumi nodded to Gabby, “I’ll forward anything your way then.” She looked Gabby over noting the posture, tone, any fidgeting. Strange how Shepard could inspire such loyalty. The thief knew on a first hand basis what it felt like to pledge yourself to the commander and had seen it in the other squadmates. But it was one thing to understand it as someone who went on the ground with Shepard, it was another to see it in the faces of the crew.

Gabby and Kenneth’s story was one she knew of course. And, it made sense why they would find themselves on the Normandy. Those two were devoted to Shepard before even meeting her. And now, what with the rescue during the suicide mission, it was easy to logically understand what it meant to have a commander who would go to such lengths for her team and her crew. But Shepard inspired more than that. Something Kasumi hadn’t quite given a name to yet.

Getting her thoughts back on track, Kasumi let out a question. “So, about that approval…?” she trailed off.

[helmsmanmoreau]

Joker fully concentrated on his omni-tool while he checked for any remains of Kasumi's modifications, so he didn't notice Gabby until she announced her presence. He turned around to reply, but the thief was faster, so he just added a quick "Hey Gabby," and stayed untypically quiet for rest of their conversation. It gave him a chance to check on the mission's progress. Wrex was definitely not complaining enough.

When Legion's announcement came over the comm systems, Joker immediately feared for his credits and looked over to Kasumi. "That doesn't count as "anything useful" yet, right?"

[memorystealer]

After reading Joker’s message, Kasumi noticed the slight rise in her seat just before it dropped down again. Her eyes widened slightly in surprise before her fingers took to her omni-tool. Having already been linked to the Normandy’s systems, the thief’s deft hands worked through the code efficiently.

She set the temperature in the cockpit to ever so slowly drop over the course of the next several days. She had hidden the code to adjust the air conditioning so only EDI or possibly Legion, if it was looking, would find it. In its ordinary place was what appeared to be the original code. Should someone attempt to adjust it, it would immediately take them to a notorious extranet video. The thief was certain to message EDI about her changes in the hopes the AI would prefer to keep quiet and watch Joker’s reaction rather than change the code back to normal.

Moving on to immediate gratification, Kasumi hacked into Joker’s omni-tool and turned on the function that caused it to read everything aloud and only respond to voice commands. Once she locked the function, the thief typed out a message, waiting for the annoying, disjointed VI voice to inform Joker he had a new message.

FROM: KASUMI GOTO TO: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:

Careful, Joker. What if something happened and Shepard found out about it?

-K

[helmsmanmoreau]

"You've got mail," his onmi-tool's VI chirped. Joker looked to Kasumi with an oh-no-you-didn't written all over his face and attempted to access his messages. The thief had done quite a thorough job though, so he couldn't find a way around the voice commands.

Defeated, he instructed: "Show messages."

"Hello, Flight Lieutenant Moreau. You've got one new message from Kasumi Goto."

That damn VI was getting on his nerves already.

"Show message."

"Option currently unavailable."

"Turn off voice commands and restore interface functions."

"Option currently unavailable."

"Oh come on!" He sighed and let his tool read the thief's message aloud, which made him feel like a damn six years old.

"Send reply to Kasumi Goto. Message reads: Okay haha, very funny. Now turn off this damn voice control. We said cockpit, not omni-tools. -J Message ends."

"Sending message."

He turned around to face the thief again. "You know, the guy I bought this from said it would be absolutely prank proof. Guess he didn't account for a professional. Think I can get a refund?"

"The warranty for this Nexus Omni-Tool ran out two months ago. A refund is therefore not possible."

Joker glared at his wrist. "I didn't ask you. Shut down!"

"Goodbye, Flight Lieutenant Moreau," the VI responded one last time before shutting down.

He made a mental note to add some pink hair dye to the next supply order. There had to be some way to get it past Lawson.

[memorystealer]

When Joker gave her that look and shrug, Kasumi rolled her eyes so much that she followed in their direction back into her chair. Opening the pilot’s response almost sent the thief into another exaggerated eye roll.

FROM: KASUMI GOTO TO: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE:

Aw, Joker. You’re worried about my health? How sweet. I do think I’m capable of knowing what kind of shower would be best for me but I appreciate the concern. Perhaps you should leave shower making decisions to me. Wouldn’t want there to be any uncertain adjustments made to the cockpit while I fiddle through the Normandy’s systems just to have my shower the way I like it.

-K

She returned his look of innocence with a small smirk and another eyebrow raise, daring him to mess with her.

[helmsmanmoreau]

When he read her message and she returned his gaze with a look that was borderline cocky, he decided to take the challenge. If she decided to threaten his cockpit, he would have to show her just what she was getting into.

Without breaking eye contact, he blindly hit a few buttons on the cockpit's main interface, then typed out his response.

FROM: JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU TO: KASUMI GOTO SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:

Just try to mess with my cockpit. I dare you. Just be careful, it bites.

-J

He gave her enough time to read the message, then hit another button that made her seat drop the few inches it had unnoticably risen in the last few moments.

[memorystealer]

After receiving Joker’s reply and watching his hat readjustment, Kasumi leaned forward in her seat, turned towards him, and pulled the side of her hood back slightly so her raised brow was visible.

FROM: KASUMI GOTO TO: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU SUBJECT: RE: RE:

Oh my, Joker. Threatening my showers? How intimate of you. ;)

-K

It was all the thief could do to keep from laughing out loud.

[helmsmanmoreau]

He responded to Kasumi's raised eyebrow with a shrug and a smug grin. When he read her reply, it was only thanks to long years of practice that he managed to keep the expression.

FROM: JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU TO: KASUMI GOTO SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE:

Oh no, I was only worried about your health. Heard that alternating between hot and cold water is supposed to be very good for you. Might just throw a suggestion in EDI's direction, if I think you could use the refreshment. 

-J

After that he gave her the most innocent look he could conjure without breaking out into laughter.

[memorystealer]

After hearing the sounds of ground team members moving off the Normandy, Kasumi shot another message to Joker.

FROM: KASUMI GOTO TO: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU SUBJECT: 

What? No sarcastic remark? No snide comment? Am I actually able to touch Joker’s precious hat without consequence?

-K

From the corner of her eye, the thief kept Joker in her line of sight, a smile still playing at her lips.

[helmsmanmoreau]

It had taken Joker a moment longer than he would have liked to admit to understand what invisible force had messed with his hat. But when Kasumi rematerialized right next to him, he could hear her grin before he saw it.

This was a critical moment. It had all been fun and games last night. But now the thief had dared to mess with his hat again. He had to step in before this became a habit.

FROM: JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU TO: KASUMI GOTO SUBJECT: RE:

No one. Touches the hat.

-J

Really? He actually was too stunned to come up with a good remark. To get himself thinking straight again, he readjusted his cap's position demonstratively.

PS: I'm friends with the girl who controls your shower.

Still a weak repsonse, but he hit send anyway and tried to concentrate on the comms channels. He might have lost this round, but he was not losing credits as well.

[memorystealer]

Hearing Wrex challenge Miranda just after Legion had accepted orders caused Kasumi’s eyes to widen a fraction, her mouth barely opening to expel some air without an “oo” sound to go with it. She briefly felt like a child in the school yard just watching some kids trash talk before the physical fight was to start.

Her omni-tool blinked at her and she read through Joker’s response. Ashley? she thought, downloading the attached message. From Shepard’s old squad?

The thief was a little surprised Joker would just freely send her the message. Though she supposed it was quicker for him to just give her a heads up instead of giving her a chance to crack into other people’s messages and find out what was going on. She’d seen Liara typing away via the cameras and then Joker doing the same.

TO: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU FROM: KASUMI GOTO SUBJECT: RE: RE: TAKING BETS

Those odds are pretty good in your favor. But with Miranda in charge and this mission supposedly being recon only, I’ll take those odds. How about I add in 150 credits towards Wrex complaining about Miranda a minimum of fifteen times one they’re on the ground? Every comment and joke counts.

-K

[helmsmanmoreau]

Joker let out an audible sigh of relief, when Wrex agreed to the new squad setup. Though he would've liked winning his bet immediately, he hadn't wanted to do it by having an incapacitated XO before the mission had even begun.

He looked over to Kasumi. Her posture had been far more relaxed during the entire exchange. Well, she'd be a bad thief, if she'd lose her cool that easily. Still, he'd expected at least some sort of reaction other than the cheery message in his inbox.

FROM: JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU TO: KASUMI GOTO SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: TAKING BETS

Once they're on the ground? I'll take that one. You know, we missed the most important one so far: I'll bet you 250 that Wrex's squad finds something useful about Shepard first.

-J

This time his reply was out before Ashley's message arrived. He quickly flew over the lines. Six hours might be just enough to reach them in time, depending on the outcome of his bets with Kasumi.

[thievinghippo]

Visit Original Link

Joker always has interesting things to say when Shepard stops by the cockpit in ME2. Here are all his one-liners!

[memorystealer]

TO: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU

FROM: KASUMI GOTO SUBJECT: TAKING BETS

Care to make any wagers on how this is about to go?

-K

[helmsmanmoreau]

After Wrex's comment about spacing a certain mechanical crew member, Joker was glad that Miranda had finally awoken from her seat and taken control. He wasn't sure how much of Wrex's nonchalance was real and how much actual rage was building up under that armor of his. Sticking Zaeed with him could go either way, but it definitely sounded like a better idea than pairing the krogan up with anyone else. Thane had been in the business long enough to know to run, when a krogan starts rampaging.

He wasn't surprised when Miranda decided to take Legion and Liara. The XO was used to knowing everything (it wouldn't be a surprise to him, if the cameras on the ship all linked back to her office in some way). The geth and asari would be able to quickly gather any important information, while the other squad opened doors and (gladly) took care of any remaining opposition.

A quiet beep interrupted his thoughts. He looked down at his arm and saw the familiar light of an incoming message. When he saw, who it was from, he grinned slightly. "I'm sitting right here," he thought to himself. The contents of the message made him grin a little wider and he typed a quick reply.

TO: KASUMI GOTO

FROM: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU SUBJECT: RE: TAKING BETS

100 credits says that Legion will catch a "stray" bullet from Wrex at least once. But I think-

In the middle of typing another message arrived. Saving the draft he opened his inbox to find that it was from Ashley. His eyes flew over the lines quickly. She wanted to know if anything had happened to Shepard. "Shit," he muttered under his breath. He leaned back in his seat. Looking around, he took in the countless Cerberus logos plastered on the walls trying to come up with an answer. Liara had apparently gotten a message as well, as she was already typing away on her omni-tool.

This was a turn he hadn't anticipated. The last time they had spoken had been shortly before he'd left the Alliance and her first and last meeting with Shepard since Alchera hadn't exactly gone well to say the least. He wasn't sure what to expect from his old friend anymore. With the entire crew already on edge, he wasn't sure if adding a loyal member of the Alliance to the mix would be such a great idea.

Once more the beep of an incoming message interrupted his thoughts. It seemed Liara had taken matters in her own hands. Another quiet swear escaped from his mouth. Ashley was right, he hadn't really wanted to tell her anything just yet. But now there was no way of getting around it. He collected all the data she needed and added it to the message.

TO: ASHLEY WILLIAMS

FROM: JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU SUBJECT: RE: COORDINATES

"Trying to play nice" won't cut it. This whole rescue mission is about to explode already. Not sure if adding Alliance blue will help that.

-J

[1 attachment - flight_data.fdt]

Readjusting his cap, he opened his message to Kasumi again.

TO: KASUMI GOTO

FROM: JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU SUBJECT: RE: TAKING BETS

100 credits says that Legion will catch a "stray" bullet from Wrex at least once. And another 100 on one from Ashley as well.

[1 attachment - FWD: COORDINATES]

[hammerandrage]

Missing Asks!

I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE ANSWER!

Okay, maybe not the final answer, but part of the problem! Asks keep getting eaten. Which is a big problem when you’re doing something anon and don’t want to ask the person “did you get it”? 

If the ask contains an ellipsis without a trailing space, it gets eaten. It says delivered, but it goes nowhere.

So “Well… then” will get delivered but “Well…then” won’t!

Hopefully this helps in getting your asks actually delivered.

[sandpuppeteer]

Post I made for my RP account, but very relevant elsewhere.

After discovering this, I tested it. Five different accounts between two people, anon vs not. No matter what, without fail, if the trailing space was missing, the message was not delivered.

I contacted Tumblr staff. They were already fully aware this was happening, but it is not documented anywhere. Nor do they seem keen on giving their users a warning about it in any fashion.

Help me spread the word because the staff won’t!

[memorystealer]

"Well I guess it’s better that you stay out of Wrex’s reach for now anyway. Grunt was a toddler compared to him and you tend to get … overlooked."

Kasumi hummed in agreement before giving a short laugh. “Overlooked…Yeah, something like that.”

She pushed herself back into the chair, resting her feet on the edge of the console. Heaven forbid Miranda caught her with her feet on the dash. Toying with the fabric on her gloves, she casually offered up conversation. “I remember the first time I came across krogan on a job. I set off a small distraction which caused two of the krogan guards to start arguing with each other about what it was. Which naturally led to them fighting. I told myself that if I ever got caught, I could at least outrun them. Until I saw one charge the other. I never thought they’d be able to move that quickly. Especially with that…hump on their back. You’d think they’d have too much forward momentum and just fall over. Anyway, I managed to sneak by during their tussle but I’ll never forget how I just stopped and stared when the one charged. I almost got caught that day.”

She chuckled to herself at the memory of her thieving days as a novice. “To think, some people think krogans are big, dumb dinosaurs. I doubt they live long enough to find out who wrong they are. Especially when drinking.” As she rambled, a thought came to her. “Hey! You think some people try and ride krogans like they do bulls? I wonder if Wrex would mind giving me a piggyback ride sometime…I bet you can see everything from up there.”

[helmsmanmoreau]

"Yeah, they're a lot smarter than they seem. Maybe not regarding the fine art of politics or the sciences, but everything else you might be in for a big surprise. Although, Wrex managed to unite quite a large chunk of Tuchanka. If he keeps up the pace there will be a krogan councillor before the volus get a seat," he joked.

He noticed a huge white chunk of armor coming towards him from the CIC. Krogan metabolism wasn't exactly his specialty, but he was sure that Grunt couldn't have grown that much in one night. Had he even come back aboard last night? Taking his eyes of Kasumi and focusing on the krogan, he finally saw the reason for his confusion.

"Hey Wrex, I think that was supposed to be Grunt's birthday present. He's just growing so fast, " he grinned, "Guess you want to give it the right color beforehand," he added with a wave towards his friend's weapon.

[memorystealer]

Kasumi’s hands hesitated briefly at the question before she resumed moving the data screens around.

"No, not this time. Just wait. There’s bound to be trouble with Miranda in charge."

Kasumi shook her head to herself. There was no way she was getting involved. 

[helmsmanmoreau]

Even knowing, she couldn't see it, Joker nodded in agreement. As XO it fell to Miranda to run the ship, while Shepard was gone, but he was sure not everyone would agree with that.

"Well I guess it's better that you stay out of Wrex's reach for now anyway. Grunt was a toddler compared to him and you tend to get ... overlooked."

That brought him back to thoughts about getting accidentally squished by his krogan friend. He tried concentrating on Kasumi to distract himself. Instead he just imagined what might happen if she were to get punched in his stead. She wasn't exactly built to withstand an attack like that either. He decided that he approved of her idea to stay aboard.