Wow, it certainly has been a long time, hasn’t it?
I’m posting to tell whoever’s out there that I did something that I did not think I would ever do: I finished “I’ll Love Her Still”!
This past year was incredibly personally difficult for me- to make a very long story short, my father passed away in November 2021, and the entire year leading up to that point was splitting time between grad school, work, and taking care of him in his final months. Those circumstances robbed me of creative energy (and fandom energy in general), so I let one of my proudest accomplishments collect dust. Now, though, I want to finish what I started. And last night, three YEARS after I first had the idea for this story, I finally finished it.
With this, though, I’m realizing that my time on Tumblr is passing me by. I’m going to be 25 this year, and I’m so glad that I have this time capsule of my early adulthood preserved. But that’s what I think it needs to be for me now- a time capsule. I’m going to post the final two parts of “I’ll Love Her Still”, and then I will be moving on to another fanfiction forum (probably AO3).
I am so grateful to this dumpster fire of a website. It gave me some of my most formative experiences as a young woman, even before I had an account. From staying up until the wee hours of the morning reading One Direction imagines to actually finishing my 35K Queen masterpiece (har har), Tumblr has always been there. And it will always have a place in my heart ❤️
I'll Love Her Still: Part 15 (Brian MayxFemale!Reader)- FINAL
Well, Tumblr dot com... this is it! This is the last piece of writing I'll post here. I will be reposting this fic in its entirety on AO3, but I wanted the last part of this story, this thing that I've dedicated three years (!!!) of my life to, to be posted originally in the the place that inspired me to write. Thank you all for an amazing chunk of my life- I'll love you all still ❤️.
TRIGGERS: If you don't like romance, stay far away from this conclusion
“Danny, listen to me,” you pleaded. The winter wind whipped around you, and you pulled your coat close to you. “It’s different this time.”
Danny rolled his eyes and took a drag on his cigarette, truly not believing that he was back in this scenario AGAIN. “Jesus Christ, you can be so aggravating.”
“DANNY.” His gaze softened when he saw how emotional you were getting. “This man… he’s in love with me. He wrote a song to tell me so, and when I listened to it, I knew that I love him too. I always have. And I have to get back there to tell him before he leaves for good and we both make a huge mistake.”
Danny bit his lip in thought. “Li-”
“Y/N,” you bit back tears. “Just fucking call me Y/N, Danny.”
Danny raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything, so you continued. “Please, Danny. I know that you hate me, and I know that neither of us have been really fair to each other. But he’s the one for me, and I’m the one for him. We belong to each other. Please,” you finished with a whisper.
Danny studied you for a moment. “He’s the one, huh?”
“Yes,” you said earnestly.
Danny nodded and murmured, “Please, God, make sure I never have to do this again,” as he pushed the stage door open for you.
You swore, if your mind weren’t so fixated on Brian, you could have thrown your arms around Danny and kissed him. “Thank you!!”
You didn’t even wait to hear his response before plowing past him into the backstage area. You might have heard people calling out to you to say hello, but the thrumming of your heart drowned them out. Finding Brian was your only mission, your only purpose. You couldn’t remember what time it was- 6:30? 7:00? Were you too late? You knew Brian usually just isolated himself before the show so he could tune his guitar, but maybe he’d changed. Maybe everything had changed. Maybe nothing had changed. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe this was the only thing you could do without going completely insane. Maybe-
“Y/N?”
It was like the entire world had just turned off with the flick of a switch. That voice…
You turned around to see Brian in front of you, and you crossed your arms in front of your chest because you actually thought it was going to pound right out of your chest with how incredible he looked. “Brian,” was all you could say.
“Wh-what are you- why are- I mean, I know we’re in Y/C but-”
“Brian, I’d like to say something, if that’s okay.” You knew that if he did that adorable rambling for a second longer, you’d lose all your courage.
Brian pressed his lips together and nodded, letting you have the space you needed.
“I know… I know that we left things in a bad place when we were in LA. And I know I told you that I couldn’t be with you anymore because I felt like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. But… I’ve had some time to think. That’s all I’ve ever really needed, was just time. I- I listened to the album. I heard the song you wrote. And… it made me understand something.”
Brian waited to see if your pause was meant for him to speak in before he asked, “Understand what?”
“I’m yours.” The two truest words you’d ever said. “I love you. I don’t think I’ve ever meant anything more in my life, Brian. I love you. I know that I couldn’t see the same future that you saw, but I can now. I see it all. And all I want to do is be with you. To be yours, completely. I know I said that I was afraid, and that I never wanted to be locked down. But you don’t want to lock me down. You never did. You just wanted to love me.” You bit back tears as you continued. “And I should have seen that sooner, but the point is that I see it now. And I don’t want a single minute more of not having you in my life. So… if you could find it in your heart to just-” you paused, feeling that burning sensation in your throat. No tears. “To call me. Write me a letter from the road. Even just letting me stay with you tonight to watch the show…”
“Well,” Brian studied you with an expression that you couldn’t quite make out. “That’s not good enough.”
You felt your heart deflate like a balloon, drifting out of your chest, down through your stomach and finally out through your toes into a shriveled heap on the ground. You opened your mouth to try and speak, but it felt like your throat was a desert and your voice was just the faint memory of water.
“Just spending the night with us isn’t good enough, Y/N. You’ll have to come back on the tour and stay with us until the end.”
You looked at Brian with mouth agape as his mouth slowly curved into a smile. Oh, that smile- you’d missed it so much that seeing it again nearly made you weep. “But… I- I thought…”
“Y/N,” Brian shook his head. “I know that back in LA, I came down pretty hard on you. I was too intense, and that rightfully scared you away. But my feelings for you haven’t changed. I love you. I will always love you. And I’ll move at whatever pace you need to feel comfortable.” He paused before adding, “You are the love of my life, Y/N. And I never want to let you get away again.”
You had no words. Brian had stolen them all. You stood there, dumbstruck, looking at this man that you loved and who you knew wanted you back just as much as you wanted him back. You were overwhelmed, you were speechless, you…
You had to kiss him.
Before he could open his mouth to tell you to say something, your lips were on Brian’s- right where they belonged. Where they had ALWAYS belonged. You were kissing him and he was kissing you back, one hand around your waist while the other lay on your cheek lovingly. You were so completely overwhelmed with happiness and love, but a completely different kind of love than what you were used to. It was deeper than the love you’d known before, where the love got lost in the lust. It was coming home. It was forever.
It was your tears that made the two of you break the kiss. You laughed and sobbed softly as Brian’s thumb ran across your cheek to wipe your tears away. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” you admitted, sniffing. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”
Brian leaned in and pressed his forehead against yours tenderly, letting you savor in the physical contact. “Maybe that’s why,” he smiled.
“I love you,” you returned Brian’s smile. “I’ll never be able to tell you enough.”
Brian sighed happily, and you saw a couple tears of his own escape his eyes. “And I love you,” he tilted his head slightly to whisper in your ear. “Always.”
“So,” you breathed. “What now?”
“Well, we’re going to be on the road for another month,” Brian said, letting his hands move to clasp the small of your back while you wrapped your arms around his neck. “Then we have to go back to England to do the next album.”
“They want you to do another one? But Sheer Heart Attack’s been doing so well.”
“And yet we still haven’t seen any of the money,” Brian rolled his eyes. “So- another album.”
“Another album,” you repeated, “which will be a massive success.”
“You really think so?” Brian grinned.
“Well, my psychic told me so,” you smirked, knowing Brian’s logical, scientific brain would hate that.
“Y/N,” he groaned, wincing like he had a headache, making you laugh. “Fine,” he sighed, “the fourth album will be a massive success, finally make us enough money to get John a house and Roger and Freddie more toys, and pave the way for a fifth one.”
“I’m sure I can transfer my credits over to a university in the UK,” you thought out loud. “I can take care of it all when you go back to start the album. I know it’ll take a while, but it’ll still get done. And once it’s all taken care of, I’m sure I’ve got enough money saved up for a plane ticket.”
“And there’ll be no shortage of jobs for you once you graduate,” Brian smiled down at you. “You’ll be the best solicitor London’s ever seen.”
“And then what?” you grinned. “For us, I mean? Marriage? Babies?”
Brian felt his eyes fill up all over again when he didn’t hear a hint of sarcasm in your tone. But still he said, “One step at a time, right?”
You leaned over to press a kiss on his cheek. “Right. But however many steps we take, and whenever we take them…” you stopped to take his hands in yours. “We’ll always take them together.”
Brian squeezed your hands and brought them to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Together. Always.”
He may not have said much, but with those two words, Brian had said everything. Life was all spread out in front of you again, just like it had been years ago when you’d committed yourself to the life you were leaving behind. But this time, there was no anxiety, no trepidation, no question in your mind of whether this was what you really wanted. This was a new adventure, but more than anything… this was coming home.
* * * *
You knew what they said about you. Dirty groupie, only staying around so long because you were a kept woman, nothing but a disposable whore that Brian would eventually get tired of and leave in the dust. But you knew better. You knew every time you stood at the side of the stage and watched Brian play his heart out. You knew every time you fell into each other’s arms after the show and you could feel how much you loved each other. You knew by the way Brian talked with you, laughed with you, cried with you, made love to you, lived with you. Those words he’d written for you were true.
Hey there Tumblr, so I have officially created my AO3 account! I will be posting my favorite writing from here and any new work under the handle PerpetualDaydreams. Tomorrow morning, "I'll Love Her Still" will finally be finished, and... I'll bid a fond farewell to Tumblr.com 🥲
I'll Love Her Still: Part 14 (Brian May x Female!Reader)
Aight people, here it is!!! The second-to-last part of "I'll Love Her Still". I still (heh) can't believe A) it's taken me so long to actually write this, and B) that it's all coming to an end. I hope that the upcoming ending is a satisfying conclusion for any of you readers who might still be out there!
TRIGGERS: Sad Lily is Sad
You took the needle off of the record and sunk down onto the floor, the tears spilling out of your eyes before you could stop yourself. It was beautiful. You knew it would be beautiful- why WOULDN’T he write a beautiful song about you? He had loved you… he still loved you… and you’d broken his heart.
It was like your whole being was in a vice. All you could focus on was the fact that you couldn’t breathe, that the room was spinning, and that you were never going to be happy without Brian May. The thought of that terrified you. How could you know? You’d been so firmly in the “free-to-be-you-and-me” world for so long, you’d never thought of where or when that world would end for you. You’d certainly never been so bold as to assume you’d fall in love with one of your conquests. Conquest. What an asshole thing to say. Brian wasn’t a conquest. He was… he was the man you loved. You loved him. You loved waking up in the morning and seeing him next to you, chest rising and falling and lips practically begging to be kissed. You loved the way you could have an incredible conversation with him about anything from the cosmos to what it was that made Buddy Holly such a genius. You loved the way that he was so meticulous about certain things and yet at the same time, he’d probably forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his body. You loved the way he treated you like a princess, even when you didn’t deserve it. You loved him. You loved Brian. And that realization shattered you.
You were so wrapped up in your panic that you didn’t notice Sadie open the door and say, “Lily, I got tick- oh my God!” She immediately rushed over to you when she saw you in a weeping mess on the floor. “Honey, what’s wrong??”
“He…” you tried to speak through your sobs. “He wrote a song for me.”
“Brian?”
You nodded, burying your face in her chest for comfort. “And it’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful, Sadie.”
“Well, did you really think he’d write a bad song about you?” she gently teased you.
“N-no, but I expected it to be about ‘that bitch who broke my heart’ or something,” you hiccupped out.
Sadie looked over to the turntable and noticed how you’d failed to put the needle back in the cradle. You were usually so meticulous with how you cared for your records… she knew that this had gotten to you. “Can… can I look at the lyrics?”
You couldn’t find the energy to speak, but you nodded. Sadie picked up the lyric sleeve and scanned until she found what she was looking for. While she read silently, you just lay against her, nearly catatonic. There was only one more song on the album, but it just went in one ear and out the other for you.
The album ended, and Sadie stood up to take the needle off of the record (you might not have noticed that it stopped playing, but she did). For a moment, neither of you spoke.
“Well that’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard any rock star do for any groupie,” Sadie finally broke the silence.
You turned to face her. “I fucked up so bad,” you whimpered.
She shook her head. “Don’t be so mean to yourself, Lily.”
The falseness of the name was jarring. It didn’t matter that it was what you’d picked out for yourself. It wasn’t you. It never was. You were… “Y/N.”
Sadie looked at you with wide eyes. “What a-”
“I’m Y/N. That’s who I am. I was stupid to try to be anyone else. I told him. Brian, I mean. I told him my name was Y/N. And he loved it.” Your feelings were coming out of you in a rush now. “He loved me. I never… I never had to pretend with him. I never had to make myself into anything more than who I was. He saw every part of me, all the broken ugly bits, and he loved me anyway.”
You found yourself standing up. “He loves me,” you corrected yourself. “The song doesn’t say anything about him not loving her anymore, does it?”
“N-no, I guess not,” Sadie said in that cautiously supportive way you talk to a friend who’s about to do something that’s either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid.
You pressed on, unfazed. “He never wanted me to leave, he just wanted me to do what made me happy.”
Sadie bit her lip. “L-Y/N… he gave you the choice to stay, and you didn’t take it. Why not?”
“Because… because I didn’t think we could be happy together. That we could never be real, we could never exist outside of La La Land.”
“And just hearing this song changed all of that?”
You chose your next words carefully. “It didn’t change anything. But it… it woke something up in me. Woke up feelings that I thought I didn’t feel anymore.”
Sadie ran a hand through her hair. “Shit, Y/N,” she finally exhaled. “You’re really in love with him aren’t you?”
God… you were. “I am.” You let the statement hang in the air for a moment, and then sank back down to the floor again. “Why the hell didn’t I realize it back in L.A.?” you groaned.
“I don’t know,” Sadie answered lamely.
You shook your head, not in disbelief but in complete bemusement that you could have been so blind. “I’m sorry,” you turned to Sadie, “you were definitely saying something when you came in here, and then I did…that.” You and Sadie both laughed gently. “What’s up?”
“I came in here to tell you that I got tickets for Pink Floyd. I know how much you love Dark Side of the Moon.” Sadie added, “And David Gilmour is…” She trailed off, knowing it was a hopeless case.
You both knew why she’d done it. Queen was back in town. They were playing at the same venue as when you’d first met Brian that June, when everything was vibrant, new, bathed in golden light… just like your love. But that summer had faded, and given way to the unforgiving cold of autumn, and now winter.
But what always came after winter? Spring. New growth, new beginnings, new chances for life and light. Were you wrong to have as much hope as you did?
“Where are they playing?” you asked Sadie.
“Um, the Forum,” she replied. “We’ve got to get a move on if we’re going, the doors are opening soon and then all bets are off.”
Right down the street from the venue where Queen was. Quick as a flash, you jumped to your feet and ran to grab your coat from the back of the door. “I’m sorry, Sadie,” you said distractedly, not really to Sadie at all. Your mind was laser focused on the task at hand. “You’re going to have to find someone else to go with.”
“Where are you going, girl?” Sadie smiled and…was that a tear you saw in her eye? You couldn’t help but smile at her.
not to romanticise or anything but the idea of abbey road being a farewell to the decade…because it’s true, the 60s were one thousand percent defined by the beatles and their career, and the idea of closing of a time of artistic and social and spiritual and political and sexual change with “in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make” and then what sounds like voices and guitar riffs being gently lifted off the fucking earth…not to be all goofy and sentimental but that is absolutely fucking rad…
Happy Birthday George Harrison // February 25, 1943.
I’ll tell you one thing for sure: once you get to the point where you’re actually doing things for truth’s sake, then nobody can ever touch you again because you’re harmonizing with a greater power.
i thoroughly enjoy the fact that 1969 was simultaneously the year that carl wilson was at his SEXIEST and also the year that mike love was at his MOST HOMELESS-SQUATTER- LIVING IN THE MOUNTAINS-looking
I’ll Love Her Still: Part 13 (Brian May x Female!Reader)
People. PEOPLE. Hello. Who’s ready for some more Queen fanfiction?? I’M ready for some more Queen fanfiction. So last chapter was a BIG cliffhanger for these two crazy kids- let’s see how it pays off here! Thank you so much again for sticking with me through this process- who would have thought I’d still be chipping away at this after TWO YEARS??
TRIGGERS: Roger Is An Extra Hoe Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
December 1974
Life wasn’t supposed to feel this normal. If you’d heard one story about how hard it was for people to return to their everyday lives after coming home from touring, you’d heard all of them. And while the first week at home felt strange and lonely (no stumbling out of the hotel at 5:00 AM to hop on the bus to the next city, no fast food, no late-night parties), you’d found yourself finally settling back into civilian life.
Sadie had been there for you throughout the whole readjustment, being the life of the party whenever you wanted to go out and being delightfully domestic whenever you wanted to stay in. That first week, she’d listened as you told her everything that had gone down on tour with Brian, and didn’t try to give advice or make a ruling on who was right or who was wrong. And as time went on, you found yourself getting back to your old self- school started up again, so you were busy with classes and work (and more things to occupy your time meant less time you had to spend thinking about Brian).
However, by the time October rolled around, something happened.
That something was a song called “Killer Queen”.
Queen had finally been launched into superstardom, as they were always meant to be, and “Killer Queen” was the song that did it. You heard it EVERYWHERE- in the bus getting to class, in the record store where you worked on the weekends, and on the radio in every single restaurant, apartment and store you visited (at least it seemed that way).
Such a Freddie song, you had thought to yourself the first time you heard it. But by the four THOUSANDTH listen, all you could think was, If they don’t stop playing this goddamn song, I’ll lose my mind. It wasn’t a Brian thing… at least, you didn’t think it was. You’d made the mistake of falling in love with a rock star before, but you were always able to snap out of it eventually. Why should this be any different?
You figured out the reason for that about a week after your final exams. You arrived back home from a post-final hot chocolate at your favorite café (“Killer Queen” had been played twice in the forty-five minutes that you’d spent there) to find a package inside the front door. Neither you nor Sadie had been expecting anything, so you were a bit puzzled, especially when you saw that it was addressed to you. Seeing that Sadie hadn’t come home yet, you took the package into your room, tossing your bag on your bed carelessly. Grabbing a pair of scissors from your desk, you dragged the blades along the edge of the cardboard and tore the package open…
The cardboard fell away to reveal an album. Not just any album, though. The black background, the sheen of sweat on the familiar faces you saw on the cover, the red block letters: it was Sheer Heart Attack. You gazed at the album, letting your fingers glide across Brian’s image just for a moment (Christ, he looked good). It was new, crisp, unplayed… and completely your own.
You were so taken by the album that you almost didn’t notice the note that fell out of the record when you opened it. Laying the record gently on your bed (you’d play it in a second), you picked up the note, unfolded it, and felt yourself smile at the instantly recognizable handwriting.
Lily-
If I know you at all, you probably have the new album already, but I wanted you to have a copy from us. We all miss you out here (Brian especially). I hope you’re settling back into Y/C alright, darling- must be an improvement over the five thousand Holiday Inns we stayed in.
I’m writing this from London, but we are heading to America again soon to tour this album. It took a long time to record, so we’re all fucking exhausted, but Trident have been brutal about us making them money (wankers). Anyway, we would all love to see you again. I’d buy you and Sadie tickets for our Y/C show myself but I’m living like a pauper at the moment.
I hope you like the new record, and I hope all’s well with you. I don’t know what happened between you and Brian, but I still like you, and that’s something anyway. Get in touch with me or John Reid about the Y/C show.
All my love,
Roger
P.S. Brian will murder me for saying it, but you two need a helping hand. Side Two Track Four is to you, from him. You’re welcome. RT.
A soft laugh escaped you. Roger always talked about how he wasn’t a letter writer, so the fact that he’d taken the time to write a note warmed your heart. You wondered how he was getting along now that they had this newfound fame… you wondered how ALL of them were dealing with the newfound fame…
Shaking your head like you were a dog trying to shake the rain off of you, you walked over to the turntable and slowly pulled the album out of the thin paper sleeve. You always savored that last moment before the record started to play, that anticipation of what music was about to pour out of your speakers. Very carefully, you laid the record down on the turntable, and placed the needle in the first groove.
From the moment you heard the carnival sounds on the opening track, you were swept away. You knew Queen was a great band. They’d always been great. But they had never been this great. Every song flowed seamlessly into the next, creating a whole piece of art, the kind of which you’d only heard from the true greats.
But your ride of bliss didn’t last forever. It was about midway through the record when you heard the familiar riff, that riff Brian had played you backstage months ago. You sat on the edge of your bed, letting yourself fall into the groove of the song and trying to ignore the pang in your chest when you thought of that night, when something in the lyrics made you pause.
You didn’t just hear, “Down in the dungeon, just Peaches and me…” did you? Maybe you had… but the next couple of refrains gave you, “just Hoople and me,” and, “just you and me,” so who were you to say? Maybe it was wishful thinking on your part, the idea that Brian would have put you in a song. Still…
The thought slowly left your mind, and you tried to focus on the rest of the album. You found yourself loving each song more than the next (being especially impressed at Roger’s introduction to “In the Lap of the Gods”- Queen really didn’t need synthesizers when they had a Roger Taylor).
There was a pause after “Bring Back That Leroy Brown”. Casting a side glance at the album, you only vaguely registered the title and placement of the next track before it began.
The guitars began to strum, and Roger locked into a steady groove on the drums. And then…
“I love/ She makes me,” Brian’s voice crackled out of the speakers. You let out a soft gasp- you knew how beautiful Brian’s voice was, but you had never heard him sound so… raw before.
The song played on. You found yourself entranced by the relatively simple instrumentation, unable to really focus on anything but the words:
“Who knows who she’ll make me me/ As I lie in her cocoon/ And the world will surely heal my ills.” God, Brian had never been this poetic before. The imagery he was creating, the emotions he evoked. It reminded you of “White Queen”, but it went further than that. It was unlike anything you’d heard from him before.
Then it hit you. Like a truckload of bricks.
You scrambled for the record sleeve and looked at the name of the song again. “Stormtrooper in Stilettos” was in the parentheses. You looked at where it was placed on the record… and your heart began to crack.
“Side Two Track Four is to you, from him.”
“I know the day I leave her/ I’ll love her still.”
