aradea

it's the woman who wandered at night with ragged white night gown staring blankly with her hollow eyes

[herhideoutrain]

Do you sleep well?

How do you sleep the first month after your loved one passed away?

Are you crying to sleep? like I did in the first seven days after my mother passed away?

Or are you unable to sleep, like when I do the first month after my mother passed away?

But the first seven days after my month passed away, I took a long nap almost everyday and going to bed at 11 PM, some days because I cries so much, but some days because I was exhausted

The first month after my mother passed away, I'm unable to sleep, no matter how exhausted my day, I'm wide awake, and will go on like that if only I'm not take my medicine

So I wonder, how do you sleep a week after your mother passed away? A month after? And a year after?

Are you found it difficult to sleep or are you can't wait to meet your loved one in your dream?

100925 A week after Ma's death

[herhideoutrain]

I want to be pretty

I have bought thousand clothes, thinking I would look pretty on them

But the moment I look in the mirror, I hate it

It look hideous. Nothing ever seems to fit me

I want to be pretty, I wanna people telling me that I look pretty

How other people could look effortlessly pretty

Or more how they could fit in anything they wear

They say smile look better on people

Do people who smile often makes them look prettier?

But how do you even smile while you living in an empty shell

[herhideoutrain]

Perempuan Tua tidak boleh Bermimpi

Pagi ini aku menerima pesan, isinya "kamu tidak dipecat, tetapi kamu sama tak berharganya"

Ibu, apakah perempuan tua memang tidak boleh memiliki mimpi? di usiaku yang sudah 30 tahun ini, apakah perlahan semua yang kuinginkan harus ku kubur?

Kerja seperti orang lain, bangun seperti orang lain, menjalani hidup seperti orang lain, bersyukur karena masih banyak orang lain yang tidak bisa makan tiga kali sehari

Ibu, apakah hidup perempuan berhenti ketika ia tua?apakah mimpi hanya boleh ada ketika tidur saja saat perempuan sudah tua?

Ibu, apakah ketika perempuan sudah tua kami hanya boleh berlaku sewajarnya dan sepantasnya saja

Apakah ketika perempuan sudah tua kami hanya boleh menjaga dan merawat?

Ibu, apakah perempuan tua tak boleh bermimpi?

[herhideoutrain]

Sincerely, Hope

Among all the things we lost, is hope one of it?

We walked through the motion, smile the brightest but we shed thousand of tears

Among all the things we should have found, is hope one of it?

What if we could only walk through the motion, shed tears on so many days

Could we life a live?

Could it even, called live?

[herhideoutrain]

Dance in Dazzling

i was waiting it for a moment, stayed in the corner, waiting this story get untangled when our eyes met. I sat in the corner and you smile at my direction, your eyes, is a night sky I longed to reach. But we frozen, either of us try to get close to each other, as if we make an amend to secretly admire in the pool of people.

We didn't look away, there's no akwardness among us and people still dance in the haze.

[herhideoutrain]

Ibu, saya ingin mati

Dua tahun lagi, saya ingin tak berada di dunia ini lagi, Ibu

Saya berdoa, kendati tidak setiap hari, bahwa saya akan mati dua tahun lagi, lebih cepat lebih baik

Ibu, rasanya saya ingin meninggalkan semua rasa sakit ini

Meninggalkan dunia yang sukanya memberikan saya perasaan duka, yang hanya menunjukkan sisi muramnya pada saya

Saya ingin pergi, sesenyap angin yang berembus di musim dingin

Saya ingin meninggalkan dunia ini, secepat hujan zenithal yang datang kala saya tidur

Ibu, bolehkah saya meninggalkan dunia ini?

Tubuh ini sudah tak sanggup lagi menahan rasa sakit, Ibu

Jiwa ini, Ibu, dia sudah compang-camping disayat oleh monster yang suka sekali berkunjung

Pikiran ini selalu ramai, bahkan ketika tengah tidur

Saat mati, pikiran saya akan diam, semua akan diam, dan saya takkan merasakan apapun lagi

Jadi, Ibu, bolehkah saya mati?

4 Januari 2022

[herhideoutrain]

Message to the universe

I stopped pray.

I realise that I stopped Pray to God, sincerely pray because I have hope not obligated as a human, since I know I couldn't get better and my life is a endless failure.

Each day, I'm shrinking. I'm shrinking and getting smaller but not dissapear. This goddam universe still let me alive, thriving in suffer. Killing me slowly.

I resent a lot. I resent universe, I resent myself, and myself.

It's feel like I keep drowning but I awake, aware and suffocated by the water. I reach out of breath but I keep drowning deeper.

Surrounded by darkness only to found out the non existence light

December 3, 2021

[endlesswordsonapage]

There’s a suffocation

beneath your surface;

the stillness of emptiness

has invaded and set in.

The anchor

keeping you in place

has lost its weight.

The breath

you breathe from your lungs

has frozen

without any heat from the sun.

Darkness

has become your friend,

Loneliness

that ache from a constant companion.

You starve

for when you’ll be you again,

you hunger

for feeling to return.

What else can you do

except float in purgatory?

Surrendering your last prayer

to keep the final flicker of hope

from burning out to ash,

only to disappear,

never to be seen again.

- If sadness were just a feeling, I would have purged it long ago. Really, it’s a monster, that grips and never lets go.

Inspired by the song Paralyzed by NF:

[bourgwesioie]

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.

Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. Lightly, lightly— it’s the best advice ever given me. So throw away your baggage and go forward.

There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly.

aldous huxley

[herhideoutrain]

Rasanya aneh.

Merasa baik-baik saja di situasi yang kacau ini terasa aneh. Entah baik-baik saja, atau sudah tak dapat merasakan apapun, saya tak tahu bedanya.

Berita duka, kebingungan, rasa frustasi, semua terasa bagai berada dari tempat lain. Kendati dekat, semua bagaikan tak terjamah.

Ini bukan bahagia, yang pasti bukan. Hanya saja semua terasa kacau hingga rasanya ya, saya baik-baik saja.

Di luar keadaan sedang kacau tapi saya baik-baik saja.

Mungkin.

08 Juli 2021

[herhideoutrain]

It's agony and pain

Sink in the hole again

And feel smaller each days

Can't seemingly wake up knowing nothing awaits me in the future

One step forward, take me three step backward

It's cold and empty

Then it's became nothing

Please help me to leave this cold world

June, 17th 2021

[herhideoutrain]

Goodbye,

Its Good, Bye yet

The thought coming again, And I feel tired for no apparell reason, can't seems hold it any longer. Today, I considered overdosing myself on anti anxiety pills. I'm finally gonna have peacefull and long night sleep that what on my mind since morning. Or should I just hit myself to a truck, it's also occured on my mind. I have no idea how can I survive it any longer. It's neverending painfull.

Then a package came. It's has no sender name. In one of the gift written Happy Birthday, Love. Yes, today is my birthday, and just like any other birthday, I hate it, It still feel cursed to be born in this world, and foremost, the fact I'm still standing in the same place discourage me.

But the package that coming this afternoon makes me sobbing. Though its has no name whose the sender, but I know who send it. Ah, there's someone that remember me.

Today, as I listen Demi Lovato - Anyone, I recall the lyrics.

"I just need some more affection, anything to get me by"

Maybe I don't wanna die, I just don't know how to getting by and tired of this pain.

But thank you, for saving me.

May 24, 2021

[herhideoutrain]

Kerangka

Beberapa orang menggambarkan depresi sebagai awan mendung yang menggelayuti orang tersebut kemanapun. Depresi juga kerap diibaratkan bagai anjing hitam besar yang bergelayut dan mengikuti kemanapun seseorang pergi. Namun, bagi saya, depresi seperti makhluk berkerangka yang merangkak dengan kepala tanpa wajah dan daging berbau hangus. Dia tak memiliki kulit pun daging. Namun jejaknya, darah yang menetes dari kerangka berwarna merah, ada kemanapun dia merangkak. Dia akan merangkak secara perlahan, namun dia dapat berjalan, tidak, berlari lebih cepat dari rasa takutmu. Itulah depresi bagi saya.

Dia mengejar saya, dia merangkak lebih cepat dari keinginan saya untuk bangkit. Dia membuat saya ingin menghilang. Membuat saya merasa lebih baik tidak berada di tempat itu.

hari terakhir pada April 2021

[herhideoutrain]

I decided to go this year. I don't think I can bear it any longer.

Just like ugly and old ornament in house, my existence is trivial and unimportant.

My mom doesn't need me. So does my family.

And I'm sure everyone else also the same.

It's like old and ugly ornament which left forgotten hanging in the house, I exist for them not because they want me but because they get used at me.

So i'm gonna left this world.

Nine in the first month of 2021

[herhideoutrain]

Terkadang, saya hanya butuh diyakinkan bahwa akan ada harapan. Harapan itu ada dan dia akan menunggumu. Hari ini, harapan kembali terasa hilang dari diri saya. Saya memang belum terperosok, namun sedikit lagi saya mungkin akan kembali menemui setan yang selalu berteriak di kepala saya. Saya ingin sebuah harapan. Namun bukankah harapan itu diciptakan dan bukan dicari? lalu bagaimana caranya menciptakan harapan apabila harapan itu menghilang?.

[thespilledquotes]

Do you know what people really want? Everyone, I mean. Everybody in the world is thinking: I wish there was just one other person I could really talk to, who could really understand me, who'd be kind to me. That's what people really want, if they're telling the truth.

— Doris Lessing

[herhideoutrain]

It say hi countless times

Last night, I argue again with the demon. It ask me to dancing with, but I still adamant, not answering it invitation. But the invitation is dazzling than before and more alluring, after several argument, I took it hands, and we dance.

I feel guilt rush over in my blood.

June 8, 2020