in ∞ sight ∞ out

thoughts, opinions and realizations of the day with a little help from a card shared with you from my tarot collection. also an appreciation for the artists and creators. aum.

[hermitfool]

The Orphic Egg. The Cosmic Egg. World Egg. Brahmanda.

Every culture, ancient and modern, has roots in the Egg. You can google the many mythologies to read.

*The Light (Fool) - Pharos Tarot by MM Meleen

[hermitfool]

As the World is in some form of lockdown, seeing friends and family has been tough for us. We’re now one year into first hearing out about Miss Rona.

Here in this country we went into lockdown into a relaxed movement control and now back into lockdown (despite it still being a little too relaxed with the numbers).

One conversation I seem to keep having with some friends is about sense of worth. A few are feeling unworthy. I won’t try to explain it. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.

For me, being unworthy has never been the issue. It’s being or feeling undeserving. I’ve always had a grasp on self-worth. For the longest time I’ve thought myself undeserving of the love, joy, charity, generosity etc that has come my way. And it comes easily and swiftly.

I remember one moment specifically. It was when my home was damaged by an awful flood. My mum and me just looked at the aftermath and wondered where to begin cleaning. Made a post on FB about it. Then help came so fast. From friends, acquaintances, fans that somehow or other felt they had to drop everything and turn up at my house. One of them started a page to help raise funds.

One night, when everyone had left, I started crying. My mum asked why. I said, I couldn’t believe so many people came and how I didn’t deserve it. She said, “You have good friends. You obviously did something that they treasure.”

You see, I’ve always felt I was worth the time. I just didn’t believe I deserved everything else.

It took years to come to an understanding of why I felt undeserving. I never saw it as a hindrance to growth. Being humble was something my dad instilled in his children. I kinda watered down my Self into thinking being humble meant not deserving the attention from people. As successful as my shows were, I would come offstage feeling I didn’t deserve that amount of love and applause and quickly dive into the next project. I felt I had to put on another show to deserve that amount of applause. It was a cycle.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a blinding light when I’m on stage, full of joy and always ready to share. However, the adulation lasts for only so long.

I haven’t performed for 3 years, by choice and also thanks to Miss Rona for last year. Couldn’t even if I wanted to.

With all said, I’m ready to accept I’m deserving of the friendships and generosity that have come my way and those that will come.

Always good to remind yourself not to take yourself too seriously and learn to laugh at yourself. Learn to understand yourself with clarity and unclouded by emotions. Trust me when I say I’m having a jolly’ol time with myself nowadays.

*cards from The Devas of Creation and The Intuitive Tarot, both by Cilla Conway

[hermitfool]

Whenever I take out a deck, I always start by looking at my birth cards. For me, it’s a good way to see how the deck works or what it would like to show me.

Above are my birth cards from The Wild Unknown Tarot by Kim Krans. I got this deck when she produced them independently. The deck, and a lot of her wonderful work, has since found a publisher and gone on to guide a wider audience.

Some have said the deck is dark and can be terrifying. However, isn’t the Unknown a little scary? It’s whether you want to take that path into the unknown or choose ‘comfortable’. There’s no wrong path. Both should lead you to where you need to be.

On my renewed journey of rediscovery, I know I have to go, really go, into the unknown places. There’s a few more things I have to face head on, I’m not liking it but at least I’m acknowledging what needs to be done. Now it’s the doing of the thing.

Death (13) is my guide/teacher birth card. It’s about change, renewal, something has to ‘die’ for something to begin. My career has proven time and again the ability I have to switch things up. Somewhere along the path I lost control of the ability to apply it to my life. Negative thoughts took over, including death. It was terrifying how I allowed it to consume me. The last months of 2020 really were a challenge to stay afloat.

I know the path. I will continue walking it. I also have to accept that I might step on a thorn and that I have to breathe through the pain. It’s a funny old thing, life. I’m living it and loving it.

[hermitfool]

As I take myself back to neglected Tarot studies and Self, I naturally reach for 2 decks. The Rosetta and The Intuitive decks.

Currently working with The Intuitive. You can say I’m jumpstarting my intuition. It was quite a strength I had. Knowing. Still strong but blocked.

I asked for a card as a jumping off point. One of Rods. In this deck, Rods are an Air suit. Looked at it for a few minutes.

Then I decided to take out Tabula Mundi, a deck I’ve had for years but never unwrapped. The top facing card, the Ace of Wands.

Oh. That’s a coincidence. Or a sign? Who knows. Trust the gut and looked at them side by side. Same interpretation. Telling me what I should be consciously learning.

Like most decks, Wands are Fire.

The roots of Air and Fire in the same card? I think I understand how I should begin this part of my studies. I still have a lot of anger I need to work through. The Root of Fire is the source. It burns. It should be the flame that warms me not incinerates. Air aids Fire. Both are elements that work with us. I am reminded to not let them work against me.

I need to burn through the anger and with the help of Air release it into the wind. I won’t doubt that I’m doing the right thing. I just need to do the thing. Trust it. Even if it’s a misstep, I’m still taking a step.

[hermitfool]

On this last calendar day of a very tiring and challenging year, I decide to return to this blog. The last post I made here was in 2015. Then I forgot I had it. Probably because I didn’t use Tumblr anymore. Out of sight out of mind.

2020 had been a shit show of a year. It took me awhile to admit it. So much was happening around me that I felt I had to put on a brave face and ease other people’s worries and grief. I come home and the face is still on, telling myself it’s all good. Not realising that it was taking a toll on my body. I wasn’t acknowledging a lot of stuff and in the middle of the year my body started scaring me.

I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what and I went so far back into my darkness I got lost. What scared me most were the thoughts I was having and why I couldn’t ‘see’ my way through it.

I didn’t see the signs. Perhaps I was so lost I didn’t want to see the signs. One day a good friend suggests I see a healer that I met briefly the year before. Something clicked. It was the day of the eclipse a few weeks ago. Thankfully she had the time to see me. Seeing her was what I needed. She told me everything I already knew. I say I knew but it took her to remind me that I’ve been avoiding some things because I got lost and forgot how I needed to recalibrate.

The solstice came. I wrote shit down. The full cold moon came. I read all I wrote, burned it all and got rid of the ashes. My body is feeling a little better. Next week I have to get a colonoscopy done. A little scared cos I’ve never been sedated (experimental drugs during my youth don’t count). However, I’ve calmed down from the initial freak out.

Yesterday I wrote to Cilla Conway, artist and creator of The Intuitive Tarot and The Devas of Creation. A couple of emails we exchanged. Today I reached for her deck and did a reading for my 2021. Only asked for cards to guide me through the year (9 cards) and a closing card either as lesson, reminder or overall guide. That card was Death, one of my birth cards. I smiled when I opened it.

Above is the reading I’m sharing with you.

Wishing all of us a New and Better Year. Whatever comes our way, we’re ready. I’m ready.

[hermitfool]

Arrived in good health and sound mind.

[hermitfool]

Birth cards with Tabula Mundi. Tabula Mundi is a limited edition Major Arcana deck by MMMeleen, the creator of The Rosetta Tarot.

[hermitfool]

MMMeleen, creator of the Rosetta Tarot, has released her newest set of tarot called Tabula Mundi. It's a limited edition Major Arcana deck and it is beautiful. You can order it now on www.tabulamundi.com. I'm waiting for mine to arrive.

[hermitfool]

It's been awhile since I last did a daily 3-card affirmation spread. I've been a little unbalanced recently. Daily life does that sometimes, right? So today I took out one of my go-to decks and drew these cards. Aaaah, thank you.

[hermitfool]

Decided to draw a card for today. What a pleasant one it is!

[hermitfool]

Organising my reading desk.

[hermitfool]

The Fool of the Rohrig deck. The deck is one of my favourites. I don't read with it but I can spend hours getting lost in the art work. The Fool is one of my birth cards so when I get a new deck it's always the first card I look at and judging by how much the deck's fool attracts me, i'll know what the rest of the deck will do. The Rohrig Tarot is a gorgeous set of cards.

[hermitfool]

Probably one of the most beautiful decks released this year.

[hermitfool]

The end draws near

It’s been awhile since I posted here. As the year draws closer to the next I thought I’d write something. When I last posted I was a boy man who still had his mother living with him. She was both boon and bane. We shared a life together and the cord was never completely cut. We laughed and cried and fought. Most everyone lives through the same. She has been gone a little over 6 months and I still have days when I think she’s going to ask what I’m cooking for dinner. Professionally my career hit highs that even I dared not imagine.  Personally the demons came back.  But what aches most is the loss of my mum. I see my dog Bella still wonder why the passenger door of the car doesn’t open. Love is such, isn’t it? It’s always there whether alive as flesh or a lingering memory.

[hermitfool]

Aleister Crowley and The Magician from the Lowbrow Tarot.

[hermitfool]

The same angel in two different decks? The Mary-El Tarot (left) and Tarot of the Mystic Spiral (right). Both these decks are favourites of mine, the former which I only received a few weeks ago and the latter this past January. I remember when I first got Mystic Spiral. I considered making it one of my reading decks but decided to keep it as one I would keep going back to just for the images alone. The one card that struck me was this one of Justice with Archangel Michael (as described in LWB). By month's end, it was kept in my collection chest.

Then came Mary-El, a deck released this year and already called a classic. My next post on my birth cards will be from this breathtaking set of cards. Now, when I received this one of several cards that jumped at me was this one, the angel on the Ace of Cups. Something about it was familiar. Was it the meaning of the card or the way the angel looked at me? I didn't know but now that this deck is one of my 3 main reading decks, this card keeps looking at me when I put it back in order.

Yesterday, while sorting out my collection I decided to open the Mystic Spiral and there he was, Michael. Same black hair, red sarong and gorgeous white wings as the angel in Mary-El.  Are they the same angel? I think they are are and I think he has a message for me, a reminder of sorts.

One card comes with this Frangar, Non Flectar (I will bend but will not break) and the other is a messenger from the subconscious or Angel.

Thank you Michael. I hope I have understood well.

* The Mary-El Tarot by Marie White and Tarot of the Mystic Spiral by Giuseppe Palumbo & Giovanni Pelosini

[hermitfool]

Birth Cards 1

It's been awhile since I last posted. The past two months have been wonderful for my professional life but my body and home have suffered a little for it. Now that most of the projects have been completed, I have a little more time to get back to me.

I've decided it would be great to do a birth cards post for the next few weeks. I get to share my favourite decks/cards with you as well as learn about myself through these cards.

I begin with a deck that seduced me the moment I laid my eyes on it. The Rosetta Tarot by M.M.Meleen. The deck, and accompanying book The Book of Seshet, was released November 2011. I have been fortunate to have been able to correspond with M. She is an amazing artist and her knowledge and passion more than shine through this deck. 

So, you've noticed my birth cards are the Fool and the Emperor. Death is my hidden/teacher card. At first glance these cards describe every person's journey. As the fool, you leap into life and as the emperor you endeavour to be the best at what you've chosen to do. When all is said and done, death steps in.

Taking it a step further. I'm the fool that leaps at every opportunity. I always try to explore every aspect of life, more the life that has been offered me. My career hasn't changed but what I've done with it has. I've also been very fortunate at being very good with what I do (Emperor) but every few years or so, I get restless and do something different with my career. I guess this is the Death aspect. I keep moving, I dare say, evolving.

More on my birth cards in the next post. Until then, go to the Rosetta Tarot's website. Buy it if you can. It's a self-published deck of only 777 copies.