I've been receiving more anonymous emails and messages from people who are really struggling in their marriages. Some are on the brink of asking for a divorce, and others are just exhausted and blindsided by the problems and unsure of the future.
When we consider that marriage is the union of two individual human beings, two physical bodies, two souls, and two egos, we realize that most "marital problems" are quite normal and par for the course. What else should we expect besides some degree of challenge when two people who have lived distinct and separate lives, and have different temperaments, cultures, and upbringings are paired up and live completely enmeshed lives in every possible way?
Aside from extreme marital problems including infidelity or any type of abuse, the way forward for any couple whose marriage is strained with increasing tension and who may have tried different forms of help in the past (therapy, couple's counseling, spiritual guidance, etc.) without much success is for each individual to come to terms with some basic facts:
1. This is dunya, not akhira, so your marriage will never be perfect here. The best way to get over any "ideal" is to accept what is REAL. Work with what you have, don't wallow in what you want.
2. There are some aspects of your husband/wife that you must accept are part of their own individual spiritual challenges (mujahada an-nafs) in this life and not necessarily something you need to or can ever fix. Instead of personalizing their behavior, or trying to force change through rebuking/shaming them, make du'ah for them and find ways to help them through other resources. As counterintuitive as it may sound, sometimes the best thing for a spouse is not to focus on the needs of the marriage or where their partner is lacking as a husband/wife, but rather to magnify their partner's individuality; increased validation and empathy can do wonders for any marriage far more than anger, shame, or blame can!
3. Are you (and your children) safe? Do you have shelter and food? Are you healthy? Do you have savings? Do you have family and friends? If you are generally happy and settled in your life, even if you feel like your marriage isn't as fulfilling as you may have hoped, then isn't that more than enough to be grateful for? Isn't it better to focus on all the positives and show gratitude than to keep looking at what is missing and allow resentment, ingratitude, and rancor to fill your heart?
Divorce will always seem like an easy answer when you've endured the vicious cycles so common to marriages today, but the grass is RARELY greener on the other side. Yes, there are valid and legitimate reasons to divorce, but far too many people today are ready to throw in the towel because their marriage just isn't as good as they expected.
For lack of a better analogy, it's a form of buyer's remorse that has become far too acceptable today as more couples are willing to discard their marriages over petty squabbles and differences. They may feel relieved temporarily but are unaware of the much greater remorse they'll soon feel in the metaphysical sense. We are responsible for our actions and choices, and those who cause greater harm to others for some personal benefit will face their Creator eventually.
This is why we are taught that "law min ashaitan," which means "'what if' is from the devil." In other words, if something is decreed for you, accept it and be content with your lot in this life. Resisting, denouncing, rejecting, and spending years frustrated over what has been decreed for you is not just a fool's errand, but a devil's one.
*Disclaimer: The advice above is for those who are dissatisfied with their marriages or even frustrated and feeling burnout and are entertaining the idea of divorce; it does NOT apply to those who are in any type of abusive situation. For those people, please seek professional help!
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
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