I kind of just want to thrust something into the internet void really quick. Apologies for the more personal post.
People are obsessed with my love life. Well, it's one thing for my students to ask if I have a boyfriend, because that's just high school boys being weird, but it's another thing entirely for my friends, family, and freaking strangers to constantly pester me about what my marriage plans are.
Since I was freaking seventeen years my high school teachers would ask me about my marriage plans. My answer has never changed since even before then and it always makes the conversation more awkward than it already is. If I say "I don't know," then people would suggest that I consider marriage or they'd overconfidently say that I'll definitely get married. Both are annoying. But if I give the more accurate response of "I'm open to the idea of marriage, but I doubt it will ever happen," people become flabbergasted. But I'm so beautiful and smart or whatever, why wouldn't I have a husband or at least a boyfriend?
So I just say I don't want kids, and that's a dealbreaker for a lot of people. And it's true, especially with more recent trends of boys in my generation being more interested in having kids than girls in my generation. But when it comes to those generational trends, the data I see is pretty much exclusive to gen z in the United States. In other words, they probably don't necessarily apply to other parts of the world...
Well that's where things get extra annoying. My film bro wannabe friend would always give me these hypothetical couple or marriage scenarios, and when I'd refuse to engage, he'd ask if the situation would change if the boyfriend or husband in question was Japanese. Then I move to Japan. He goes on and on about how I'm definitely going to find a Japanese boyfriend. I go to church. The wife (who's Japanese) of the pastor (who's white) asks if I plan on marrying a Japanese guy. I go to the nail salon. The stylist randomly asks what I think of Japanese men and if I plan on getting a Japanese boyfriend.
Okay, now people are making it extra weird by making it a racial thing.
Well, real talk, would living in Japan be easier if I married a Japanese guy? Yeah. But is that a reason for marriage? Ew, goodness no. What a horrible and selfish reason.
So why am I throwing a temper tantrum over this? Let's circle back to the kids thing. For most people, marriage naturally equates to kids, especially in Japan. And yeah I honest to goodness haven't met another Christian that can fathom the idea of not wanting to get married and have kids but for heaven's sake, even the secular folks around me seem so confused! I think in reality, people don't actually care about my love life. They just care about if I'm having kids. Because every time I say I don't want them, it's always the same "you'll change your mind."
It's been nearly ten years and I haven't changed my mind.
Is it possible that I could still change my mind? Sure. Anything could happen. But for the time being? I don't think I could be a good parent. I'm lazy. I have a history of mental illness and other baggage I've inherited from my mom. Things that I would never wish to pass down onto anyone and force them to internalize just as I have. That and I don't like kids in the first place and pregnancy is like body horror to me.
A couple of people have told me I could still find somebody out there who also doesn't want to have kids. And maybe so. But here's where we hit roadblock number two: I'm not an intimate person. At all. I hate using labels as I don't consider myself a part of any group nor do I like people making unsavory assumptions about me, but for all intents and purposes, I'm asexual. My ability to feel attraction is extremely limited and sexual topics usually make me very uncomfortable. I tend to avoid graphic and raunchy media as a result and I'm not much of a romance enthusiast. Because I'm not out here frothing at the mouth over every boy I see, I've had many bizarre conversations with my mom about whether or not I am a lesbian (even though I spent like all of my high school years crushing [more like limerence than anything] on my friend, and yes I know it's entirely possible for one to think they're straight then discover they're gay later in life, and I know people personally who went through that sort of self-realization, but I am not that person). As much as people like to tell me I give "lesbian vibes," whatever that means, I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with a girl. If I were to share my life with anyone, I only have interest in sharing it with a boy.
Now, if I've ever made it this deep into this conversation with anyone, which was only like a couple of times, but in those instances, the response was "well, you'll never get a boyfriend who doesn't want to be intimate."
One, awesome, love the perpetuation of the "men only want sex" stereotype. Very cool. Two, I anticipated you would say that, which is why I specifically said "I'm probably not going to end up getting married."
Okay, I know I just poked fun at the perpetuation of a common stereotype, but let's be real here--lack of intimacy would definitely be a dealbreaker for a lot of folks! Besides, realistically, what would I offer a potential boyfriend or husband? I'm lazy, selfish, and definitely don't have the healthiest outlook on life! Or heck, let's say I do change my mind and we make it to the baby-making stage. Huge TMI, but I'd need surgery for that to work! Because I don't have enough wrong with me, I guess.
So once again, I think people just see that I'm young, single, and female, and wonder when I'm going to be popping out babies already. My "biological clock is ticking" (actual thing my dad said to me) and all that utter dribble. My mom has had actual breakdowns over the prospect of me not producing grandchildren. Told me it's inhuman when I tried to explain that I don't think I have much of a capacity for romance (outside of my one high school friend but that's a whole other can of worms and we would have never worked out as a couple anyway considering he wanted a family).
You know what's really inhuman? Repeatedly calling me "your DNA" (my mom has literally even said this in front of our coworkers back when I worked at Starbucks). If that's all I am, then I sure as heck ain't passing it down.
Now, I don't want to be anti-natalist or anything, because some people do genuinely care for their spouses and children and that's beautiful and wonderful. Nothing wrong with wanting marriage or kids in general. I'm just not that person. With my unhealthy outlook on life and my lack of desire to be intimate with anyone, I could not properly nurture another human nor show them a good example of what a healthy, normal relationship looks like.
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