we could have been...

| TCC | Germany | | studentzoned | | ~31 years age difference | | deeply infatuated since 2O12© | | graduated in summer 2O17| | i'm gonna refer to him as „(the) Joker“ | | those eyes. those damn eyes fucked me forever. | | i have no idea how it happened but suddenly i know how his kiss tastes and i don't plan on forgetting about it

[heseatingmyheart]

i hate not seeing him just the way i hate that he wants to meet up again some time soon.

fuck. i am so utterly confused with everything and i really want it to stop. i mean... it’s been fucking 9 (NINE!!!) MONTHS since it all began and i just don’t know anything anymore.

[heseatingmyheart]

we haven’t seen each other for about 2 months. i don’t know what we are. he’s still texting me on a daily basis but it’s getting less. i don’t know for sure, but i guess it’s better that way - even though it’s breaking my heart that i have to let him go for good. 

just the thought of... having kissed him, having been able to hold his hand... having slept next to him... it’s killing me that it can’t be like that for ever.

or ever again.

*sigh*

[replicated-archive]

Being young is about self imposed exile no I won’t elaborate

[purplebuddhaquotes]

I like how you don’t hide your problems like everyone else, and I feel like I don’t have to hide mine when I’m around you.

Ned Vizzini (via polaris-azimut)

[heseatingmyheart]

wednesday, we met a last time before christmas.

He was telling me about how his students started asking him about my bracelet he is constantly wearing. He tends to simply answer that it has been a gift from someone he likes to be reminded on. that's a lovely answer i suppose.

Also, he once again suggested living together. which is like cute and all but how about making a clear statement about how you feel firs, dude?!

I don't know.. I just wish everything was easier....

[its-im-possible]

[heseatingmyheart]

almost?!😂😂😂

[heseatingmyheart]

ugh, he’s so precious.  he stole my bracelet completely last week and yesterday I saw him wearing it and I just love how he wears something that used belong to me regularily. also, he enjoyed seeing me for just a ride home and carressed my leg and kissed me goodbye and sent so many heart-eyed emojis because he was so happy he got to see me. ugh. awww. such a precious old man.

[heseatingmyheart]

Joker: I mean... I am not exactly happy about where I am now. I had had so many different possibilities in my life, just one other choice and I would be somewhere else.

Joker: But if I had taken just one step differently, I wouldn't have met you.

Joker: And I am incredibly happy, I got to meet you.

[coral]

[heseatingmyheart]

I hate how the fucking timing just isn’t right. I hate how we had to meet in such difficult circumstances. I hate how I am just a little too young and how you are just a little too old. I hate how broken you already are and how little I can do to fix you. I hate how I made myself so dependent on you in all these years you seemed so far away. I hate how I’ve already found someone who seems to be the perfect one to be with for ever. To grow old with.  I hate that I ever met you because of you, nothing seems enough - but you. But everything feels right - except for us.

[polaris-azimut]

The letter I should have written...

M.,

It’s been a while now since all of this started. It was a rough, a twisted time from start to finish. I’ve longed for your touch for several years and, by now, knowing how it feels – how you feel – still sends shivers down my spine. You have a huge impact on me. You make my hands shake and you make them stop by taking them into yours. You make me cry, you make me laugh, you make me go crazy and you make me feel sane. Our souls are linked, they are bonded beyond any reason. I am an utterly rational person but the connection we both have is something out of this world.

The problem is: It doesn’t qualify us for have a serious, a healthy relationship. 

I understand you in all the ways you need to be understood. Just like you understand me the way I need to be understood. 

You know what I’ve been through because you’ve been through it yourself. You had to be strong in episodes of your life in which noone should ever have been to be strong. Just like me. You feel what I feel. You find yourself overwhelmed by the world-weariness, by what life keeps throwing at you, by life in general. Just like me. You are devestated to a degree only few can imagine. Just like me.

We understand eachother emotionally so deeply, it’s terrifying. But that isn’t enough. It probably is the worst condition imaginable to start a healthy relationship. I can’t really lift you up. Neither can you lift me up. We feel the same pain, the same sorrow, the same desperation. We would get eachother deeper and deeper into all these negative feelings.

You need someone to have your back. Someone to support you when you can’t do it yourself. You need someone to listen to your legitimate complains, someone who lets you pour our heart out and who knows how to touch it to make it heal. Just like me.

And I can’t be that for you. And you can’t be that for me. And it’s a tragedy. I will always have a soft spot for you but I can’t help but feel like we would destroy eachother even more. That we would do us no favor in following our heart. We would love us to death. Literally speaking, not romantically.

And the certainty of this very fact, is a whole new tragedy in itself.

In love, P.

[heseatingmyheart]

yesterday we met and he stole my bracelet and wore it for the time we saw each other. also he told me incredibly often how good I’d look and how awesome I’d be. I still don’t know what’s going on. but he was hella sweet.

[coral]

I miss you in ways I didn’t know existed.

(via polaris-azimut)

[a-laa-mode]

““I’d like to blame it on timing and say that it was a wrong place, wrong time type of situation,” she said, “Maybe if we met later on in life when we were better for each other, things would’ve worked out the way we hoped they would.” “But sometimes, people just don’t fit together no matter what you do or how hard you try. And that’s that.””

— excerpt from a book I’ll never write #15 (via a-laa-mode)

[leben-erleben]

… that’s that.

[stayafterclass]

I’ve understood that you will never be mine and that’s fine I’m just breaking inside

One Day / Tate McRae

[bnmxfld]

[sympathyforthecannibal]

mads mikkelsen