Thinking about how utterly sinister it is that Merlin is robbed of nearly any semblance of 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 support system he could have had. Of any person that would have put 𝘩𝘪𝘮 above Destiny.any person who would have looked at Merlin in Camelot and said "you deserve better than this" .Any person he could truly be himself around with no fear of prosecution, people who loved all of Merlin instead of just the parts he could show them.Literally everyone who knew about his magic with the exception of Gaius and kilgarrah,who both certainly loved Merlin and meant well,but were kind of terrible for him(Gaius because he's maybe definitely a class traitor and was so occupied with keeping himself and Merlin 𝘱𝘩𝘺𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 safe that he neglected that mental ramifications of the crap he was spewing. And kilgarrah because he was so occupied with making sure the golden age arrived that he also failed to consider Merlin's health and feelings in the face of it).
And worse, not only is Merlin literally punished when he tried to step out of the bounds of destiny,when he agrees to run away with Freya in season 2,when he decides to leave his "destiny" and all that it entails behind.nearly all of his loses happen because or related to that destiny.
Freya? Is literally killed by Arthur's hand. Will? Dies taking an arrow for Arthur,not because he gave a shit about him or destiny but because he's a good person who saw someone in danger and acted. Balinor? Dies protecting Merlin in a chain of events started by Merlin releasing kilgarrah,which again due to Merlin needing help keeping Arthur alive. Lancelot? Dies in place of Merlin who was planning to die in place of Arthur.
Hell even daegal, someone who Merlin only knew for a day or so, someone who heard about Merlin having magic in Camelot and you know what he said? "That must be hard" just a simple sentence. Immediate acknowledgement. Thinking about the utter lack of 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 for Merlin's situation —both in universe and out. How this one kid who just found out had more sympathy for Merlin then like everyone else in the entire show. Puts it into words when everyone, including Merlin,dances around saying it. And Merlin cannot afford to think about that, cannot afford to acknowledge that—because it's for "the greater good" because one day this will all be worth it. because,once again, Arthur's life is at risk.
And deagal? Fucking dies protecting Arthur like all the others. One more person who knew about Merlin's magic ,one more person who would have done wonders for Merlin's increasingly dire mental health. One more burden that Merlin must bear alone,that he can't tell anyone about. One more reason why he 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘂𝗽. Why he has to see this through. Because surely,𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 all this pain, would mean something in the end.
Like no wonder he needed up where he was in season 5. If 𝘐 kept losing everyone I cared about in the name of preserving Arthur Pendragon's existence so he can one day become a decent human being and free my kind from tyranny—i would also drag that destiny kicking and screaming over the finish line ,would also do everything in my power to make sure he survives.
Because the only thing that would be worse than losing everyone I loved ? Would be for those losses to have been for nothing.
