Hestia’s Den

Personal enigmas

[hestias-den]

Hestia's Den

I wanted to take the time to explain the thought behind this blog, mostly its name.

There is not a lot of space upstairs (in my head) because new ideas and thoughts are birthed rapidly in a pace that's too fast for me to organize it so I like to write things down to clear up space while also giving me time to understand it better.

Hestia's Den is a place to write about personal enigmas in great detail and analyze and pick them apart until I understand them to a satisfying degree. Icarus' Tirade are just impulsive or random rants that come and go. As soon as I write about them I forget them. These are different because they're more serious to me, I'm currently viewing them as research projects.

I chose the name Hestia after the Greek Goddess in charge of Mount Olympus' Hearth and therefore did the cooking and helped try maintain peace in the home. Apollo and Poseidon both wanted to marry her but she refused and instead asked Zeus to make her an internal virgin.

I had been looking up aromantic Greek gods, cause I believe there's a Greek God for everything, and I instead for headcannon Asexual Gods which wasn't too bad even though I still had to do some more research. My main choices were Artemis (a personal favorite), Athen (who is viewed more as an asexual lesbian), and Hestia. I decided to head cannon Hestia as aromantic since she refused marriage for her personal ideals. I also liked the idea of Hestia's Hearth and how it was a common place for sacrifice for the Gods. The way she tends to it made me think of a campfire which then birthed the thought if people sharing secrets and stories at a campfire. I thought it'd be perfect for me to share my personal thoughts.

Hestia's Hearth was sadly already being used for someone's blog but Hestia's Den was up for grabs. Den makes me think of a small tucked away home, something private and personal to that person and Hestia, keeping her Hearth in mind, gave my Den idea a type of homey-warm feel that I instantly fell in love with. It created the perfect atmosphere for me to write about personal inquiries and share them to really no one but myself. To be honest, I don't plan to share these opinions and thoughts with anyone but myself but if someone was to stumble across these I wouldn't be mad or anything but these are made specifically for me so if someone wants to explain how I'm wrong or disagrees with what I've said, go argue with yo mama cause I'm not interested in talking about it.

I just got done writing about 5 different topics i wanted to talk about on this blog, all are unfinished. I haven't posted them because I want them to be done before I post it. I forgot how exhausting it is to wring out your feelings and thoughts and place them into neatly organized semi-well written pieces. I'm so tired and mentally drained bruh.

[slowlyshytheorist]

My good people, I give you: Amatonormativity.

[hestias-den]

Confidence

I really wish I had more self-confidence. For the past week I've felt extremely confident in my appearance. I feel cute, fyne, or hot, depending on the day obviously. But what a feeling that is! It makes me so happy and just AAAHHH to feel like that, so I figured that it would be the perfect time to hone in on this feeling and try to harness it so when the feeling ends, I'll be left with something.

I plan to make eye contact more and perhaps maintain it throughout the whole conversation. Maybe if I view it as a game of chicken then I'll hold the eye contact. But I don't wanna just maintain eye contact with those I don't know, I want to maintain it with strangers too! I want confidence 25/8. Lowkey, I want my eye contact to be so strong the other person backs down, not in a toxic way though. I don't know how to explain it.

And then there's the topic of the lyrics "Never want the niggas that's in my league // I wanna fuck the ones I envy, I envy" from MONTERO that sets my soul on fire cause I desperately want this type of energy.

Then, flirting. I wanna know how to do that, but I don't know how to practice or who to practice with, without it being weird you know?

My sister said "Life is too short" to me today when I was freaking out about a decision and she's 100% right. It goes along with "You miss every shot you don't take" so I think imma try to be more decisive and try and take more fun/risky decisions cause why the fuxk not? Am I right?

[hestias-den]

Loneliness

It kills me sometimes how lonely I am. Everyone feels lonely sometimes, I know, but for me when it's bad it's terrible. It's suffocating and so very depressing when I catch myself in a lonely funk. I feel so hollow inside, craving and eating up every and any human interaction. It makes me want to throw myself into relationships, seek out someone who can fill this void that I'm drowning in, even if just for a little while. And I know something like that would be so destructive but I'm already on the verge of insanity so at that point anything that will make it better, seems like salvation even if it's a fake solution that will ultimately stab me in the back and lead to my damnation.

I can't explain this to anyone though because everyone has their own lives to get through. So in times like this I end up isolating myself from my friends whom I feel like I need more than ever. I just don't know what to say. I don't know how I'd possibly explain this to my friends. I don't know how to say "Hey, I'm feeling extremely lonely like an internal empty void lonely. Would you mind sitting with me on a call? We don't have to talk or anything, just you being there, your presence will be enough." They can't put everything on hold just to sit with me on a call and not say anything whenever I'm lonely. I so desperately want to talk to them because I just need someone to exist with, to let me know I'm not truly alone and not destined to always be alone.

It's times like this I fuckin hate myself because if I could just get crushes and fall in love maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. Maybe I wouldn't feel like there's this unfillable void. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm drowning and can't fucking breathe. Oh my gosh, I can't breathe. The feeling of being this unbearably lonely is so suffocating that it makes me wanna cry and scream.

It's like I'm underwater and everything is muted and gray. At points like this, I feel like I shouldn't even get out of bed. I might as well self isolate since I feel so alone anyways, it doesn't matter how many people I talk to, the void won't be filled. I can only wait out this feeling.

Fuck.

I just want a hug. I just want to hold hands and walk around. I just want to sit in the same room with someone and just exist as we do separate things. I just want to lay next to someone. I just want someone to hold me. I just don't want to be alone.

Its pure unrelenting agony.

[hestias-den]

The Famous Hoodie Snatching

I have this idea that just barely touches the borderline of ridiculous in my head so I don't know if I should present it to my friend(s) or not. As I decide I'll just write in full detail what I'm imagining. It's completely selfish, I say this is a warning, since I'd want to do this for MY personal gain. I don't want to share it with anyone else and if someone else wanted to do it, they'd have to obtain the materials to do so on there own. I would not help at all except for completing.

So my idea? Hoodie making. I don't really have a good name for it right now.

Basically I want a "boyfriend hoodie" used in a term identical to "boyfriend jeans". I don't have a significant other but I like wearing others' clothes that smell like them or has a worn feeling because it feels...it's hard to explain how it feels. It feels personal/intimate not in a romantic way bit in a "we're close" bond type of way.

Wearing someone else's hoodie that you know they've worn just hits different and makes me feel happy and comforted. And before all my friends go off to college and do other things next school year, I want something of them like a hoodie. I personally love hoodies but if they wanted to gift me with a shirt or sweatpants I wouldn't mind that either.

My plan was to go shopping with them, either all together or individually, whenever they're free, and go to the store and buy them a hoodie is they didn't have one they were willing to part with or so I could replace the one I'm stealing.

The reason this borderlines ridiculous in my head is because I'm asking to keep a piece of their clothing which is usually something couples and I don't want to overstep any boundaries by asking for clothing. *sigh* I guess I'll just ask and then update this with the outcome. But the hardest thing will have to be asking my "best friend" for a hoodie cause I feel like that'll be definitely weird to them and they'll also probably turn it down.

And who knows, maybe putting their hoodie on will cure or help me get through those times when I'm feeling emotionally lonely. You know, if they say yes and all that jazz.